Author's Note:
This is a continuation/soft reboot of the time travel tale "Hair of the Grim" by Nightmare Sired Muse, with a bunch of changes. It also contains many concepts, lines and situations from the grab-bag that is "Odd Ideas" by Rorschach's Blot. Both are used with the permission of their original authors. The Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. I do not own Harry Potter, Alice in Wonderland, Anchorman, Austin Powers, Avatar: the Last Airbender, Blackadder, The Barber of Seville, the Bible, Discworld, Dragonball Z, Evil Dead, How It Should Have Ended, Farscape, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Futurama, Game of Thrones, Inglourious Basterds, Great Expectations, Heart of Darkness, Indiana Jones, Inuyasha, Keeping Up Appearances, Lolita, The Lone Ranger, The Marriage of Figaro, Mazes and Monsters, Monkey Island, Monte Python, Naruto, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Pinky and the Brain, Pokémon, Popeye, Ranma ½, Red Dwarf, Robot Chicken, The Simpsons, Snakes on a Plane, South Park, Star Trek, Star Wars, Terminator 2, The Thousand and One Nights, Troll 2, Tomb Raider, Yes Prime Minister, White Chicks, and the works of Edgar Allen Poe, HP Lovecraft, Roald Dahl, Shakespeare, or anyone else.
Rated M for some violence, language, drug use and sexual references. Nothing explicit.
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Recommended Fanfiction of the Week: "Harry Potter and the Power of Paranoia" by arekay.
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Chapter 9 – In-A Garden of Slytherin, Baby
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In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.
― Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
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An undercurrent of excitement ran through Slytherin House.
The Lestrange brothers were in an absolute fury at being pranked in such a humiliating way – and then being discovered by a clutch of third year girls who were also amateur photographers. To make matters worse, they were then publicly defeated by the Marauders at the Battle of Hogwarts. But their rage was quickly stifled by the latest missive from their Lord. Such was the anticipation that this message generated that all plots for devastating revenge on the Marauders were tabled for the time being. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had ordered them to put out the word that all his loyal followers should sound out everyone in the school (including the foreigners) who may be sympathetic to his aims, and desired the destruction of the mudbloods who were poisoning their country and culture.
All followers and interested parties must gather in the Forbidden Forest after curfew two nights from now, near the rocky outcropping by the south wing of Hogwarts. The Knights of Walpurgis's networking machine swung into action. Discreet queries went out along the grapevines. The letter explicitly forbade them from including blood-traitors such as Bellatrix, Regulus, Narcissa and Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Amelia Bones, James Potter, Frank Longbottom, Alice and Marlene McKinnon, Pandora Lovegood, Gilderoy Lockhart or Peter Pettigrew. But any other upstanding pureblood or halfblood who was interested was fair game.
When the big night arrived, all participants were thrilled with the number that had turned out. Most of Slytherin, Durmstrang and Koldovstoretz were present, as was a large chunk of Ravenclaw. Satisfied that the best and brightest of their generation were part of their cohort, the students made their way under cover of darkness to the rendezvous point. The autumn chill was cool enough that their breath was visible in the air, and many gripped their fur-lined cloaks more tightly around their bodies.
Suddenly, the rocky outcropping seemed to shiver, and then slowly opened to reveal an entrance to a dark tunnel. A figure, features obscured by a midnight-black cloak and hood, stood in the middle of the passage. All could feel the powerful magical aura that emanated from it.
"Welcome my children. You are truly the faithful onesssssss, and the faithful ssssshall sssssee the future!"
The snakelike sibilance of the person's voice caused even the bravest amongst them to shiver in fear and anticipation.
"As a test of your bravery, and reward for your loyalty, I welcome you to Sssalazar Ssslytherin'ssss Chamber of Sssecretssss! Follow me, if you dare …"
The crowd gasped. Could it be true?
Slowly the bravest made their way to follow the retreating Man in Black. Then more. And then more, until finally the entire contingent had screwed their courage to the sticking-plate and crept inside. Once the last person had entered, the doorway gave a quiet rumble, and slid closed.
A long walk down a pitch-black tunnel brought the group to the mythic Chamber of the legendary Darkest of Dark Wizards. The Inner Sanctum of the Merlin of Blood-Purity. The sinister Fortress of Doom for all muggles and their filth-ridden progeny.
It was certainly a lot more … colourful than they'd imagined.
Their guide stopped in front of a giant statue of Salazar Slytherin, who had been painted orange and appeared to be waving a flag of some sort.
"I mussst sssay, I am certainly extremely gratified that sssso many proud purebloods are ssso willing to bend the knee to a mere halfblood."
He threw back his hood, and the proud purebloods were astounded to see revealed the doltish fat face of the wretched halfblood Peter Pettigrew.
"You know, my friend was right: the simplest methods are often the best. And you can't get any simpler than you lot." He grinned insouciantly. "Quite amazing when you think about it. I mean, there I was with nothing but a wand and a thimbleful of Veritaserum, and dear Rudolphus and Rastaban were all too willing to explain exactly how the Dark Tosser leaves messages for the Knights of Walpurgis. A message transported into a mailbox hidden in the Slytherin common room? Really? That's the limit of your security? Not even written in code?" He shook his head in pity. There were confused mutterings, and a lot of furious glares aimed a sheepish pair of brothers. "They were even kind enough to proof-read my poor attempts at forgery, just to ensure that extra pinch of authenticity. Naturally, it was a piece of pumpkin pie to have my elf leave the note for you to find, and to so kindly and conveniently deliver yourselves into my clutches. Kreacher, now!"
The house elf suddenly appeared in front of him and snapped his fingers. The group of purebloods were suddenly hurled in all directions, tumbling over furniture or slamming into walls.
§Ssssspeak to me, Ssssalazar Sssslytherin, greatessst of the Hogwartsss Four!§
The furious assemblage sprang into action, drawing their wands and taking duelling stances. Until they froze in shock as the hidden door opened and out sprang a 50-foot basilisk, in a manner not unlike a muggle jack-in-the-box. Those frozen in shock quickly became frozen in stark, robe-soiling terror, followed by becoming frozen from the monstrous serpent's gaze. Even more unexpected than the dramatic appearance of a fabled beast of yore, was the fact it was wearing a giant pair of thick muggle-style glasses, as well as a fake Groucho Marx nose and moustache.
Harry shut his eyes firmly as soon as he heard the rumbling of the statute's gate opening. His rodent-enhanced sensitivity alerted him to incoming magic, and he dived blindly to the side, dropping to the floor. He heard the hisses, snaps, fizzles and pops of hexes shooting around him.
Presently, the cacophony of spells and screams of terror quieted. Still lying prone on the floor he called out, §Sallie! Is it done?§
§Yessssssss, sssson of Sssssslytherin. The humansssss are all quiet now.§
§Thankyou my dear. Pleassse clossse your eyesssss again, I wish to look around.§
§Asss you wisssh,§ the serpent hissed.
Harry cautiously peeked out from behind the now-shredded statue of Larry the Lascivious and his nine succubi. They'd done it! The entire contigent of Dark Tosser supporters were still as ice. "Clear!" he shouted, once satisfied that not a one was moving even a little.
"Did the glasses work?" asked Ron, emerging from behind a pillar. He held several vials of mandrake Restorative Draught, in case Harry was accidentally petrified too.
"Perfectly. Seeing Sallie's eyes through glass instead of directly only petrified our little friends. Nobody's turned to stone."
"Awesome," cheered Ron. "I can't believe that worked! You make a pretty intimidating Dark Lord, mate!"
"Thanks," said Harry dryly. "Was the nose and moustache really necessary?"
"Absolutely," Ron replied, rubbing the giant creature on the tip of her snout underneath the fake nose, until she started making the low gargling-hissing-rumbling sound that was the basilisk equivalent of purring. "You look very fetching, don't you, you gorgeous lady."
"I knew it was a bad idea for Hermione to show you all those old muggle comedies."
"I think the results speak for themselves," Ron retorted loftily, moving his hand down to scratch Sallie under the chin. The serpent twisted upside-down so that he could reach her sensitive underbelly more easily.
And after all the grief he gave Hermione for pampering Crookshanks, the Otter commented in amusement. If only she could see him now.
"Grown quite fond of each other, I see," Harry observed.
"What's not to like? She chases away spiders and petrifies slimy Slytherins. Speaking of which, what do we do with 'em?" Ron queried, pointing to the students now literally frozen in terror.
"Now we leave them here to cool their heels for a few decades. Maybe in the future after Riddle and all other dark lords are long gone and muggleborn and magical creatures have equal rights, we'll thaw them out and let them adjust to the new reality."
"They may be in for a long wait. If that's the case, we may as well do something with them instead of leaving them all tumbled together like someone's dropped a sack of potatoes."
With that, Ron began to levitate the petrified students and place them in specific locations around the Chamber. Sometimes to fill an empty bit of space, sometimes to enhance the look of a particular piece of furniture, sometimes to make it look as if they were gathered together admiring one of the many pieces of Cannons memorabilia or statues of creatures. Harry thought that the finished product made the Chamber seem like a still photo of some bizarre garden party.
"There we go," Ron said in satisfaction, as the last frozen student was put in their spot. "A place for everything, and everything in its place. Just like the Garden of Eden."
"How so?"
"The Garden of Eden is full of snakes too, innit?"
"Uh, I think there was only one snake, Ron."
"I remember what Hermione told me perfectly. And she said the Garden of Eden had lots and lots of snakes, whole broods of vipers," Ron replied stubbornly.
Harry imagined a naked Adam and Eve, sitting on the grass enjoying an assortment of fruit while thousands and thousands of snakes swarmed all over their bodies, their food, the grass and the trees. He shuddered and quickly put that thought out of his mind.
Ssssounds like Paradise to me, commented Nagini.
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Harry had worried that they might suffer cabin fever within a couple of days down in the Chamber with nobody but themselves, Sallie, Kreacher and a host of petrified Death Nibblers staring at their every move with their dead eyes. Fortunately, his concerns proved unfounded.
Kreacher had immediately been sent to gather up all the belongings of their 'guests' and bring them to the Chamber that first night. They debated whether or not to have the elf leave notes in the students' rooms announcing that they were running away to join the Dark Lord. Eventually they decided it would be more puzzling for the authorities if the students simply vanished without a word. Ron and Harry spent a good two days sorting through all the stuff, looking for useful items. There was certainly an impressive collection of dark artefacts. Lots of quills, parchment, school books, diaries and other mundane items that weren't worth bothering with. The wands were immediately snapped and left in a barrel for kindling. There was the odd trinket that looked valuable or was enchanted in an interesting way. Nothing but the gold could be used in the near future however, given the risk that someone might recognise the objects if they were seen in public or found on their persons.
The two of them continued their Occlumency practice, Ron adding Legilimency, obliviation and compulsion charms to his regime. He had picked up a good chunk of the former Gilderoy's brilliance at mind magics of all sorts (particularly obliviation and compulsion magics). Harry tried once more to learn these very useful skills, but again proved his complete worthlessness at the Mind Arts.
Ron and Kreacher continued their cleaning of centuries of accumulated dust. Occasionally Harry and Ron would transfigure the large piles of dust into bunnies, and chase them around the room, or vice versa. They reminded Harry of the Snuggle-bunnies he and Lily had unwittingly unleashed on Hogwarts in the first week, though far smaller and cuter.
They had Kreacher purchase and set up weights and other equipment, enough to furnish a small gym. Harry and Ron exercised and practiced their Auror drills three times a day, to get their new bodies and magical cores re-conditioned to the rigours of Auror-level combat missions. (This would be a long-term project. Sigh.) Ron was a quick study, and their spars became increasingly brutal. Of course, Ron had an advantage: his body was taller, fitter, stronger and more muscular. Gilderoy Lockhart may've been a useless fop and braggart, but he didn't scrimp on his personal fitness. Harry glared in jealousy at Ron's chiselled six-pack as Ron wiped his face with his discarded shirt.
"My eyes are up here mate," Ron joked.
"Life isn't fair," Harry grumbled.
"So what else is new? If you're upset at not being the gleaming bundle of muscles that I am, don't fret – you were always scrawnier and shorter than me, even in our own bodies!"
"Wonderful. You're such a kind a supportive person; I wonder why I keep you around."
"I think you mean, why do I keep you around – and the answer is, because you'd be dead in a ditch within five minutes without yours truly to look after you." Harry winced. That was entirely too close to what his mystery girl had told him the other day.
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Snape was aware of two things when he awoke. The first was that he appeared to be restrained, the second was that someone had taken the time to remove his escape kit.
"Look like Sleeping Beauty's waking up," a muffled voice announced.
Harsh light blinded Snape for a moment as the rag was ripped off his face. Straining his eyes, he soon recognised his captor. His short, round, idiotic-looking captor. "Pettigrew!" Snape spat.
"Severus," Harry said calmly. "I suppose you're wondering what's happening?"
"What's happening is that you Marauders have finally gone too far," Snape growled. "You'll be expelled for this."
"I don't think that will happen," Harry disagreed blandly.
"When I tell ..."
"You won't," Harry interrupted. "Because if it comes to that, you'll be dead." The tone of utter sincerity in his foe's voice chilled Snape to the bone. Whoever this was, it was not the Peter Pettigrew he knew and loathed. Snape closed his mouth and glared at the other boy. Perhaps one of the other Marauders or one of his 'beloved' Housemates was playing with polyjuice. They stared at each other for a few seconds until Harry decided to break the silence. "I've brought you here to offer you my hand."
"In friendship?" Snape snorted in disbelief.
"In truce," Harry corrected. "Too much has happened for either of us to ever be friends."
"That's one thing we can agree on, you honourless cur." Snape scowled. "Why should I accept your offer?"
"Because I'll kill you if you don't," Harry said bluntly. "I want you to swear an unbreakable vow to never speak of tonight, to never act against me and my friends, and to never become a Death Eater. Or serve the Dork Lord in any capacity, really. In return, I will leave you alone." It was a bit more complicated then that, but he figured the boy had the gist of it.
"Potter and the others too?"
"I'll do my best to keep them restrained. Or diverted onto other projects," Harry agreed. "We're playing a very different game now and we can't be bothered with petty annoyances."
"How generous of you to promise things you have no way of delivering," Snape sneered. "Now let me go before I lose my temper!"
Harry stepped forward and drew his wand, pointing it directly at Severus' greasy forehead. "You sure that's your final decision?"
"You don't have the guts, Rat! You're nothing but a snivelling, sneaking coward, always hiding behind the robes of wizards more powerful and well-liked than you'll ever be. Would you ever have raised your wand at me or any of your other betters if you didn't have Potter and Black backing you up?" Snape blustered.
"Guess we'll never know eh? But before you get too self-righteous and defiant on me, why don't you take a look around and see what you can see?"
Snape did so. He was in the middle of the Slytherin common room trussed up in one of the antique walnut chairs. He saw Bellatrix, Narcissa and Regulus nearby, similarly tied to their own chairs, gagged and blindfolded. Their wands lay on the table, tantalisingly close.
"How did you get into the Slytherin dorms?" Severus demanded.
Harry merely smirked. "I have my ways." Turned out Ron was right. In retrospect, it did appear blindingly obvious that if using Parseltongue was sufficient to open Salazar's top secret lair, then it was also sufficient to bypass the wards of the Slytherin common room and dorms. Trust Salazar to ensure he had a backdoor. If they'd only known that in second year, Hermione would never have had to bother with brewing the polyjuice. Or endure transforming into a catgirl.
"In case you lack the wit to notice, there's nobody to protect you from me. Slughorn's asleep in bed. The entirety of Slytherin House is right here with you. Well, except for a couple of firsties and secondies but they're also asleep, and frankly I doubt there's much they could do to help you. The rest of your little slimy friends have disappeared and will never return," he said with finality. "Something you should know. If it were up to me, you'd be dead and in a shallow grave. But that would upset Lily. She'd want you to have a second chance and that's what I'm doing tonight. So what's it to be? Your oath, or the 'Half-Blood Prince' becomes the 'All-Dead Ponce'."
Snape thought it over. There was no doubt in his mind that the crazy rat would kill him if he didn't obey. "Agreed," he said, his mouth tasted like ashes. "Let's have the oath you want me to give."
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry it had to come to this," Harry said, getting as close to an apology as he could. Too much had happened between him and Snape (and Future-Snape) to mean more than that. He was letting the boy live because Lily would wish it, he just hoped he wouldn't come to regret indulging her.
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"Kreacher has searched all books in the Black and Potter libraries. Kreacher cannot find any books on wandses," Harry's gnarled servant reported.
"Did you check the secret Black library?" Harry demanded.
"Yes, gangrenous goitre of a master."
"What about Flourish & Blotts?"
"Nothing, masterly globule of tuberculotic sputum."
"Borgin & Burke's?"
"No, rancid pit of Rancor refuse."
"What about the other bookstores in Knockturn?"
"There is nothing in any of them, murder-victim master."
"Give it up mate," said Ron encouragingly. "Wandlore falls under 'family magic'. That's why only a few people, like Ollivander or Gregorovich can make 'em. You'll never find anything written down about it, outside of some secret family grimoire locked away at Gringotts. You think if Voldie could do a Hermione he'd go to all the trouble of kidnapping people or interrogating Grindelwald or forcing Ollivander to do custom jobs?"
"Point," Harry conceded.
I know you hate it, the Otter consoled him, but you may well have to admit defeat on this one.
The Owl hooted in sympathy.
"Argh," Harry ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Taking a moment to calm himself, he said in a measured tone: "Thankyou for all your efforts, Kreacher. Let's consider this task done. Feel free to occupy yourself as you see fit. Provided you tell nobody, human, elf, painting, mirror, or anything else where we are or what any of us have been doing, of course."
"Of course, lord of limp lustlessness."
Harry cast a Tempus. "It's almost time to get back to the real world."
"Well, at least it's been a nice break from schoolwork."
The boys took a quick shower and hurried back to their dorms. Pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, Harry tossed it into James' trunk, along with the Marauders' Map. "Kreacher!" Pulling the time turner off from around his neck, he handed it to the elf. "This is Lily Evans' time turner – take it back to the Head Girl's office, and don't let her find out you or I ever had it! Go!"
As the elf popped away to complete his unwanted task, Harry dropped down onto his bed and tried to get a moment of shuteye. But this was not to be, for as soon as his eyes drifted closed, he heard someone entering the room.
"Hmmm I must tireder that I thought," came a voice. Harry opened his eyes to see past Peter Pettigrew standing in the doorway, blinking stupidly.
"You're not dreaming, you twonk," he drawled.
"You're me?"
"I'm not Santa Claus," Harry replied. "Though I may rival him in weight," he added ruefully.
"And why are you taking up my valuable bed space?"
"I'm here to tell you that it's time."
"It's time?" his Former-Self asked.
"It's time," he agreed.
"It's time?"
"It's Time."
"It's Time?"
"It's Time."
"It's – what is it time for?"
"Time to deal with the Slytherins and the rest of the Death Nibblers-in-training, of course!" Harry exclaimed impatiently. Why was his Former-Self such a twonk?
"That was me?"
"Was there ever any doubt?" Harry demanded in irritation. Must he spell everything out? "Does anyone else in this school have the cojones to do what's necessary? Is Dumbledore going to lift a finger to prevent the Knights of Walpurgis from riding roughshod over everyone else, and recruiting another generation of murderous psychopaths?"
"Dumbledore …"
"… and the Hogwarts faculty are giving Voldie's future army their basic training. Awfully nice of them to build up their enemies' forces," Harry finished sardonically.
"That's not fair," Peter objected. "Dumbledore's a teacher, and the Headmaster to boot! He can't play favourites, and he can't just turf people out of school because they have sympathy for the Dark Tosser and may go rotten at some point in the future."
Harry smirked. "He can't. But we can."
"I suppose you've got a point there," Peter admitted.
"Of course I do. I'm from the future. I know about things like this."
"And how am I going to do it?"
"With magic, duh."
"But it all happened weeks ago!"
"Yes."
"But – ah. Time turner."
"Give the man a cigar," Harry cheered. "400 turns should do it."
"Where am I supposed to get ahold of a time turner?! I'm pretty sure the Department of Mysteries is sealed up tight right now 'coz of the Death Eater threat. There's no way I'll be able to get in."
"I'm sure you'll think of something," Harry replied smugly. And stop being such a whiny git while you're at it.
"Can't this wait until I've had some sleep?" Peter grumbled.
"No," Harry said firmly. "You need to hurry. The others will be arriving here soon. You have to be gone by then."
"Can't you give me any hints, at least?"
"Grab the Invisibility Cloak and the Map," Harry nodded towards James' trunk, "and bring Ron down to the Chamber."
"The Chamber of Secrets?" Peter asked, rummaging around in the trunk for the items Harry had just deposited.
"No, the chamber pot of Godric Gryffindor. Of course the Chamber of Secrets!"
Peter triumphantly secured the Cloak and the Marauders' Map. Pulling the trunk's lid shut, he suddenly froze as he could hear voices approaching.
"We're out of time!" hissed Harry. "Get going!"
Peter threw the Cloak over himself, vanishing from sight as the other three Marauders came in.
"I saved you something," Remus commented, tossing him a large hunk of beef jerky.
"Thanks mate," Harry said gratefully. He grabbed the salted meat and started gnawing at it in his rat-like way. The room was filled with the sound of contented munching. The boys decided to continue the festivities with a few rounds of exploding snap. After a while, Harry was able to finally recall the problem that had been niggling in the back of his mind for the past few weeks.
"Think I'll pay that visit to Lovegood's lab tomorrow," Harry mused, as he lost yet another match. He was still curious as to how she'd known his real name. And that he was from another time. This was a matter of considerable importance, especially if Voldie and his cronies were able to replicate it. If they could, they'd almost certainly come after him. Not knowing was an unacceptable risk.
"What is it with you and crazy girls, Wormy?" Sirius sighed despondently. "With skills as mad as yours you could be nabbing perfect tens like Bones, or the McKinnons, or Rosmerta, or" – with a sly glance at Remus – "MacDonald."
"Oi!" Moony was on his feet in a flash. "Don't even think about it!"
Padfoot was prepared, and the pair of pals peppered each other with pushes and pounding punches, while a pensive Peter Pettigrew persisted in pondering.
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"I think this is the place," Ron commented dryly.
The words "Laboratory of Pandora Selene Lovegood" were scrawled across the final door of the lowest level of the Hogwarts dungeons, apparently handwritten in pink crayon (or was that lipstick?). More concerning was the message below it:
Warning: Moste Grosse Danger!
No responsibility will be borne by the scientific or administrative staff in the event of explosion, skin-melting, brain rot, temporal/dimensional dislocation, loss of limbs, growth of extra limbs, blindness, insanity, loss of magic, age regression, etc etc.
Authorised by: A.W.P.B. Dumbledore.
Below was a rather unconvincing forgery of the Headmaster's signature, and a crude drawing that looked something like a man vomiting while his guts exploded and his skin melted away.
"Well, it's been fun," Ron announced calmly, "but now we've been here, done that, got the shee-tirt. What say we catch an early lunch?" Harry could only agree. They turned to leave for climes more temperate and less hazardous. Right before the world went black.
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Harry woke up to the sound of Pandora laughing maniacally. Oh, how he wished that was something unusual! In a flash, it all came back to him: he and Ron had visited her lab, immediately thought better of it, and then been accosted by Lovegood and her minion and subjected to a range of tests that he was having trouble remembering.
"Pandora, what's going on?" he groaned, sitting up.
"I am the greatest magical genius in the universe is what's going on!" Pandora cackled. "I have not one but two Travellers to run tests on! You bringing me the blonde dolt pleases me so much I'm even going to forget that you're over two weeks late for our afternoon appointment. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!"
Harry got to his feet and flexed his aching muscles.
At least she conjured a mattress for our unconscious carcasses, instead of leaving us to sleep on the stone floor, the Grim noted.
What'ssss wrong with ssssleeing on the floor? asked Nagini.
"Hmmmm?" Pandora's wand appeared in her hand and she began waving it furiously while muttering a stream of incantations under her breath. "Harr– I mean Peter?"
"What is it?" he asked with growing dread.
"I may have made a tiny error when I made the runic array," she admitted in a tiny voice.
"Where's Ron – I mean, Gilderoy?" he asked, looking around. The large former potions classroom had been remodelled into a full-scale chemistry lab/potions supply store/filtration array. There were many desks filling every section, littered with electronics, rune-carving equipment, copper wires, steel tubes, what looked like the remains of several disassembled combustion engines, jars of strange and unknowable substances, and on the nearest wall a large board with numerous parchments and post-it notes stuck to it. The third wall was a segment of a giant fish tank. He blinked in surprise as a creature the size of the Knight Bus swam by. He could have sworn that was a ... but they were extinct so ... on the other hand, this was a Lovegood he was dealing with.
A row of cauldrons stood against the far wall, bubbling merrily. A strange man with long blond hair and a purple and green striped lab coat tended the concoctions. His safety gloves were on the wrong hands and his clear plastic safety visor was on backwards, ably protecting the back of his neck from stray droplets. Xenophilius waved cheerily when he noticed Harry's gaze. Pandora was standing in the middle of a giant ritual circle, filled with inscribed runes, waving her wand with a worried frown. However, what Harry did not see was his partner-in-time.
"He should be with us shortly," Pandora replied. "I think."
"You think?" Harry felt faint.
"It was just a couple of itty bitty decimal places," Pandora huffed, blowing a few strands of blonde hair out of her unfocused eyes. "Don't act like you've never made a mistake."
"So where is he?" Harry insisted.
"A better question is, when is he?" Pandora corrected, much to Harry's dismay. "He should've been back three minutes ago."
"Maybe your calculations were out by a few minutes?" Harry suggested hopefully.
"Nonsense!" Pandora barked. "No doubt poor Ronald or Gilderoy or whatever the nargle you want to call him was captured by Death Eaters in the past and forced to reveal everything that shall come to pass in the future. Then, having no use for our imbecilic associate, the Death Eaters tortured him to death and dumped his mutilated remains in some public place." She placed a solemn comforting hand on Harry's shoulder. "We shall wreak a bloody and unforgettable revenge!"
"Buh?"
"After we get lunch," Pandora added, switching back to her usual cheerfulness in a flash. "Nothing gives you an appetite like Science!"
At this point the door opened and another student entered. Disappointingly for Harry, it was not his temporally-challenged friend. Instead it was a rather familiar redhead.
"So Lily Evans, my rival, the number two magical genius in the universe, you have finally arrived to confront me!" Pandora proclaimed. "But all is in vain, for you shall never be able to defeat the might of my Science! I shall remain number one for all eternity! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!"
"I'm not Lily Evans," she told Pandora flatly, crossing her arms.
Harry stepped around the gloating magiscientist to approach the girl. "So we meet again. What can I do for you this time, miss …?"
"I have something of yours," she interrupted impatiently.
"Oh?"
"The idiotic-looking blond who follows you around. He fell from the ceiling and squished my brother Al,' the girl announced.
"Gilderoy?"
She shrugged. "Sure why not?"
"So that's where he ended up. Is everything okay?"
"Unfortunately no," she frowned. "Al is fine."
"We can fix that," Pandora said absently, rooting around one of her desks piled high with stacks of paper.
"We can?" asked the girl.
"Diviners and Prophets use their stargazing, their crystal balls, their prophecy globes, their tea leaves and all that rot. But for a really effective forecasting methodology, examining entrails is the only way to go!" She laughed at their expressions. "Kidding, kidding."
"Ah, so where is my friend?" asked
"Al and Scorpius are bringing him," she replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "That's all boys are good for, being my minions."
"A woman after my own heart," sniffed Pandora, wiping a tear from her eye.
"Right," Harry said dubiously. It was probably not a good idea letting these two hang around with each other too much. "So anyway … uh… Muriel Prewett, I presume?" he guessed tentatively, cursing himself for not having the Marauders' Map on him.
"What?" the girl asked in alarm. "Where?!" She sprang up and looked guiltily around.
"Um, here?"
Which merely seemed to concern her more; stepping close, she urgently whispered in his ear, "Is she under an invisibility cloak?" while frantically scouring the room with her piercing gaze.
"Aren't you Miss Prewett?" he asked in bewilderment at her bizarre behaviour.
"Wha–", she squawked. Then when she at last realised what he meant, spun around and punched him hard in the shoulder. "No you doofus, I'm Lily of course! Don't ever trick me like that again, or else I'll pterosaur-boogie hex you until your brains leak onto the floor!"
He blinked in surprise. That was unexpected. "You're Lily too?"
"Hmmm. I suppose you could call me Lily 2," she said thoughtfully. "It makes sense. You could also call me L2, since my first two initials are LL."
"Yep, LL for Lots of Lunacy!" mocked a voice from behind them. Whirling around, they saw two boys materialise out of the air.
"Nice invisibility cloak," Harry complimented.
"Thanks," said the taller one. He looked strikingly similar to a smaller version of James Potter, except the eyes were the wrong colour, and he was considerably scrawnier and messier-looking. The other one was pale, with a round face and a shock of white-blond hair.
"Though next time, you may want to disillusion the person you're levitating. Otherwise people might find it strange to see an unconscious body floating around by itself," Harry added helpfully.
"Oh. Right."
Harry flicked up his wand and levitated Ron onto the mattress. Fortunately he only seemed to be stunned or something similar. A quick Rennervate! fixed him right up.
As Harry was reviving his friend and bringing him up to speed, the James Potter lookalike pulled something out of his robes. "We got it; it was stuffed with tracking charms too, just like you said." He tossed Lily 2 a diary. For a moment, Harry was alarmed, until he realised that the book was pink with silver writing on the binding, rather than black with the words 'Tom Riddle' inscribed. He felt a surge of relief. At least that was one problem he didn't have to deal with.
"Of course it was," she said smugly.
"So who's diary is it?" Harry asked.
"You'll see," the Lily 2 smiled sweetly. "Hmmm an alarm charm," she mused. "Let's see if we can get her here faster." She tried to open the book, prompting it to emit a low beeping noise.
"I don't like the sound of that," Ron murmured. "Sounds like one of the twin's experiments right before they explode."
An explosion did indeed occur, although not in a literal sense. Lily Evans burst into the room like the Wrath of Merlin, hair frizzing in all directions in magical fury. Her eyes swept the group before zeroing in unerringly onto a cornered-looking Harry.
Flee! the Dormouse shrieked.
Harry resisted every instinct in his body that screamed out for him to transform into a rat and run like hell from Nemesis stalking towards him with deadly intent.
"So," Lily growled, "you've hired a bunch of fourthies to steal my private, personal, private diary, full of my personal, private, personal things have you, Pettigrew? Is there no end to your depravity?!"
"Ah Lily, I'd like to introduce you to the girl who dragged me out of the loo on the Express. And had our backs when we were fighting those Acromantulae in the Forbidden Forest. Say hi to Lily 2," he said, nervously backing up a step.
"I also watched over the two of you after that ritual when you were unconscious. Levitated you back to the castle. I didn't foresee you two of you going on a crazy magical rampage when you woke up though," Lily 2 stated.
"You were the person in the black robe?" Lily asked, successfully distracted from her original (violent) intent. "Hmmm I thought the voice sounded a bit feminine."
"And they were just about to explain to us who they are, what they were doing there, and why they're helping me in the first place?" Harry added meaningfully.
"Coz we're your children of course," said Lily 2 confidently.
"WHAT?!" yelled Harry, Al, Ron and Lily. Pandora and Xenophilius smirked in delight.
Al was appalled. "You're my dad! But … gah! You're so ugly!" Harry and Al stared at each other in horror. Even as fourth-year or thereabouts, he was still less than an inch shorter than Harry.
Lily 2 slapped him on the shoulder. "Stop it Al, that's rude!"
Harry winced. "Gee thanks."
Ron grinned, "Out of the mouths of babes eh, 'Peter'?"
"Shut up, you twonk! You're hardly an Adonis yourself!"
"Says you," he shot back, favouring the females with a charming grin and a sparkle in his eye. The girls grimaced in disgust.
"Are you sure?" Al demanded of his sister. "Really really really sure?"
She nodded firmly.
"How do you know?"
"He told me, duh."
"That's it? He told you?"
"Yep, on my first visit to this time. He came right out of the blue, saved me from a couple of glibters in Knockturn Alley, then told me about the time travel and ending up in the wrong body and everything."
Harry frowned. "I never did any of that."
"Oh," Lily 2 said. "It must not have happened yet for you. Just don't forget to check Borgin & Burkes."
"What?"
"I knew you seemed familiar," Ron burst out. "Your mother was Ginny Weasley amirite?" He grinned smugly as Al and Lily 2 nodded dutifully. "I knew it! And I suppose you have cousins whose father is Ron Weasley?" They nodded ago. "Hah, still got it!" he preened proudly.
"Do I have any other children?" Harry asked in a daze.
"Let's see," said Lily 2, ticking off her fingers. "In order, there's James Sirius Potter, Albus Severus Potter" – she gestured to the boy who was glaring in sullen disbelief at Harry – "and myself: Lily Luna Potter. The others are still in the crib, Remus Orion Potter, Theodore Bilius Potter, Sirius Ronald Potter, and Frederica Georgina Potter."
"Seven?" he repeated. "I have seven children?"
"It is the most magically powerful number," Pandora nodded sagely.
"And our mother is the seventh of seven children," Lily Luna added proudly. "That makes it doubly potent."
"So tell us, O time travellers," asked Lily, fingering something under her blouse unconsciously, "what brings you to the here and now?"
"Well here's the thing," Lily Luna said, looking nervous for the first time, "we came to see if we could change the future."
"What exactly needed to be changed?" Ron demanded. "Did we lose the war or something? Did Voldemort take over Europe?"
"No no no, we won!" she assured him. "Dad (he, Peter, whatever) married Mum, became Chief Auror, had a bunch of kids, everything's fine."
"Your father's Chief Auror huh?" Ron said dryly. "That explains where you got the Veritaserum from." She smiled sheepishly. Lily shot her a calculating look. Pandora beamed in approval.
"I always did want a big family," Harry muttered to himself, "but seven …"
.