Author's Note:

This is a continuation/soft reboot of the time travel tale "Hair of the Grim" by Nightmare Sired Muse, with a bunch of changes. It also contains many concepts, lines and situations from the grab-bag that is "Odd Ideas" by Rorschach's Blot. Both are used with the permission of their original authors. The Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. I do not own Harry Potter, Alice in Wonderland, Anchorman, Austin Powers, Avatar: the Last Airbender, Blackadder, The Barber of Seville, the Bible, Discworld, Dragonball Z, Evil Dead, How It Should Have Ended, Farscape, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Futurama, Game of Thrones, Inglourious Basterds, Great Expectations, Heart of Darkness, Indiana Jones, Inuyasha, Keeping Up Appearances, Lolita, The Lone Ranger, The Marriage of Figaro, Mazes and Monsters, Monkey Island, Monte Python, Naruto, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Pinky and the Brain, Pokémon, Popeye, Ranma ½, Red Dwarf, Robot Chicken, The Simpsons, Snakes on a Plane, South Park, Star Trek, Star Wars, Terminator 2, The Thousand and One Nights, Troll 2, Tomb Raider, Yes Prime Minister, White Chicks, and the works of Edgar Allen Poe, HP Lovecraft, Roald Dahl, Shakespeare, or anyone else.

Rated M for some violence, language, drug use and sexual references. Nothing explicit.

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Recommended Fanfiction of the Week: "Throwing Out The Script" by Formulaic.

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Chapter 10 – The Well-Laid Plans of Mice and Men

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Don't dismiss me as crazy just because I am

Won't disrupt my plan.

– Weird Science

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"Greetings and well-met, Lily Luna, Albus Severus and Scorpius," Pandora said kindly yet grandly. "I shall be your MC for the proceedings – my name is Universe's Mightiest Scientist and Greatest Genius Pandora Selene Lovegood, and this is my minion, Xenophilius Oddment Fitzhallibut-Malfoy. But everyone just calls him 'Odd'."

"Malfoy?!" Harry yelped in surprise. He turned to regard the Odd man out. "You're a Malfoy?!"

"Of course he is," Pandora said impatiently. "We both are, naturally."

"You're a Malfoy too?!"

Pandora rolled her eyes and spoke in a tone that indicated he was thicker than molasses on Mars. "You didn't think the striking physical resemblance between us all was purely coincidental do you?"

Harry opened his mouth, paused, then shut it again with a click. He thought about it. Evaluating the Lovegoods' features, he realised that he'd never seen that combination of clear blue eyes and long, straight silvery-blonde hair on anyone in Wizarding Britain except for Pandora, Xenophilius, Luna, Draco, Lucius and Scorpius. Hannah Abbott, Lavender Brown and Anthony Goldstein all had dirty blonde curls, and their eyes ranged from grey to brown, not clear sapphire. Dumbledore had sapphire eyes, but his twinkled insanely not coldly, and he'd been a redhead in his youth. "Point," he conceded, feeling like a complete imbecile.

"Mate, how could you not figure that out? Everybody knows the Malfoys are off the wall," Ron commented breezily. "All crazy in one way or another, every man-jack of 'em – are you really that shocked that the Lovegoods are a cadet branch of that family?"

"Oi!" Scorpius objected.

"Huh. I suppose not," Harry mused. "So Lord Abraxas …"

"… was my mother's older brother," Pandora finished coldly. Odd winced and looked away.

"Er, I see," Harry muttered. Even though he didn't.

"You know what," Ron said suddenly, "I just realised that since we have an Oddment, all we need to complete the set are a Nitwit, Blubber and Tweak!"

"Looks like somebody just volunteered to be Nitwit!" Harry snarked.

"And somebody else is just the picture-postcard-perfect image of Blubber," Ron shot right back.

"And I shall be Tweak!" barked Pandora, back to her usual self again. "For I shall Tweak the foundations of Reality to force it to do my bidding! Bwahahahahahahaha!"

Xenophilius joined her in a long, relaxing bout of maniacal laughter.

Calming, Pandora examined the three new arrivals as if they were particularly appetising lab mice. "This will be ever so much fun! I now have not one, not two, but five Travellers to play with!" she squealed in joy.

"Okay okay, that's it," Harry announced loudly. "Before anyone goes any further, Miss Lovegood is going to explain to us how she knew that myself and 'Roy were from the future, or the past, or a different dimension, or whatever …" He crossed his arms and looked expectantly at her. "I'm not moving an inch – or participating in any other 'experiments' – until I get an explanation. A satisfying one, none of that 'because the nargles told me' shite."

She blinked in surprise. "The Ball of course."

"What Ball? Not an Orb of Prophecy?" Harry asked in dread.

"Of course not – the Magic Eight Ball."

"A Magic Eight Ball is how you knew my real name and that I'd come from a different dimension?" he asked numbly. He looked over to Xenophilius who was proudly proffering said ball.

"How can you trust it?" Ron demanded.

"It's magic, duh. And it was right about you two."

Harry and Ron shared a look. "She's got us there, mate," Harry conceded reluctantly.

"Wait a sec," Lily said, raising a hand. "You've also got some freaky memories from some possible future?" She pointed at Ron. He nodded reluctantly. "It does explain why your personality's done a 180 for no reason … and why you've suddenly started hanging out with The King Rat, in defiance of all logic, social climbing or good taste," she muttered to herself. "Just how many of you lot are there running around the place?" she demanded.

"Possibly one more," Harry said carefully. "But we haven't located her yet, if she is here."

During this discussion, Lily Luna had withdrawn a wand and cast a number of privacy and locking charms at the door. Of surprisingly large variety and complexity for a fourth-year. Harry's eyes focused on the all-too-familiar holly and phoenix feather wand in her slender hand. "Where did you get that wand?" he asked sharply.

"Nicked it," she replied cheerfully. "After the war, Dad locked it away; said he'd never use it again. Wouldn't say why. He got another one. Willow and niffler hair, I think, or something lame like that. Now can we pleeeease get to the main issue?"

The group quickly arranged themselves in the centre of the lab on some hastily-transfigured stools. Except for Pandora, who reclined regally on a large throne made of metal tubes and engine parts.

"I gathered you all here because we want your help," announced Lily Luna pompously.

"Help with what?" asked Lily curiously.

"Help with changing the future."

"Huh," said Lily. "That's not something I hear every day."

"I think we will need some context, young rutabaga," said Xenophilius gently. "So that we can help you as best we can. We wouldn't want to inadvertently turn the British Isles into another Atlantis would we? Or turn the Heliopaths into the legitimate magical government?"

"Alright, that sounds fair," Lily Luna replied, clearly the leader of the trio, despite being the youngest and smallest. "I'll have to make it quick. We only have half an hour before the timer runs out and we automatically return back to our starting time."

"Wait a minute," Al protested, "The time turner only allows us to stay in the past for five minutes at a time!" Scorpius nodded in agreement.

His younger sister favoured him with a pitying glance. "That's because you had it turned to its lowest setting, moron," she replied loftily. "And did you not notice that we've already been here for," she checked her little silver wristwatch, "10 minutes already?"

"Oh." Embarrassed, Albus Severus ran his hands through his dishevelled hair in a very Harryesque way.

Scorpius looked to the floor. Lily Luna sighed in a long-suffering sort of way.

"Don't worry, dear," Pandora comforted the younger girl from her Iron Throne, "It's to be expected, after all. They're on their way to becoming men, and therefore stupid."

"I would normally challenge such a sexist slight to me and my kind," Harry said mildly, "but I'm far too interested in why and how two of my children and their lackey have been haunting me for the past few weeks, like cuter and more practical little Peeveses."

Lily Luna giggled, and he winked at her. Scorpius glowered.

"Summarise," commanded Lily, casting a Tempus charm. "You have just over 15 minutes."

The smaller Lily pulled herself together and focussed on the issue at hand. "It all starts with Mr Daddy-Issues here," she prodded Al, who slapped her hand away in annoyance, "being Sorted into Slytherin and then moaning about it for three or four years."

"Oi!"

"It's true though: every other day it was 'waaah the other kids don't like me 'coz I'm in Slytherin', or 'waaah people won't stop talking about how great my father and brother are', or 'waaah nothing I ever do is good enough'. Somebody call the waaambulance already!" She poked her tongue out at him. Al sprang forward, arms outstretched but suddenly froze in mid-air.

"Talk now, fight on your own time," Pandora commented, eyes agleam.

Lily lifted her brow at her sorta-friend's attitude, but her own insatiable curiosity was gnawing too strongly at every fibre of her being to do anything but agree.

"Anyway, the two geniuses here thought it'd be a great idea to nick this brand-spanking-new experimental time turner that the Unspeakables had just finished throwing together. It had no limit on how far you could go back, and you could actually change history with it! Nicked it right out of Aunt Hermione's office, they did."

"You nick things all the time," Harry observed mildly.

"I only nick unimportant things," Lily Luna protested, "like Veritaserum or wands or blasting stones or ward-amplifiers or mysterious hidden artefacts or that alligator, not stuff that could destroy the universe! And I always have good reason for doing it," she added piously.

"What are blasting stones?" asked Odd curiously.

"Nothing, forget I said it," Lily Luna said hastily. "The point is, the two brainless wonders blindly followed the first pretty skirt who paid attention to them, and started screwing around with Time. Wrecked the timeline six ways 'til Sunday ..."

"In what way?" Harry asked his purported son. As a veteran Time-screwer-upper, he was interested in seeing what others had done with the opportunity. "Did you go back to get training directly from the Four Founders? Did you go meet Merlin, or visit Atlantis before it sank?" The possibilities that this special time turner could provide were blowing up his mind!

Lily Luna snorted. "Nowhere near so creative. They tried to save Cedric Diggory's life, but couldn't even do that right: ended up creating a world where Harry Potter died and Voldemort ruled wizarding Europe!"

The older students in the room cringed unconsciously. That was already uncomfortably close to happening in their own world, possibly in the very near future. Al and Scorpius were looking increasingly chagrined at the little redhead's analysis.

"They managed to undo that, obviously, otherwise the two of us wouldn't be here talking to you right now. But then they get themselves caught by that skirt they were chasing, and she tries to stop Voldemort from hitting you with the Killing Curse as a baby, on that night," Lily Luna explained.

"What?! You were hit with a Killing Curse and survived?!" Lily demanded. "A Killing Curse from a Dark Lord? And as an infant, no less?"

Harry shrugged.

Ron supplied, "Yep, and once again at age 17. No big deal for our hero here."

"No big deal!? NO BIG …. Grrrr, you and me are going to have a long talk about this afterwards, buster."

"Indeed," Pandora nodded seriously. "Your resistance to AKs must be researched. Not to mention, being hit by two Killing Curses may well have skewed all the test data I've already collected. I have no choice but to redo the entire battery of experiments!" Strangely enough, she did not appear unhappy at this turn of events.

Harry and Ron winced; no way were they going through that gauntlet again. Looking into each other's faces, they silently agreed to flee as soon as the first opportunity presented itself.

"Riiiight … back to the story: they tried to save the lives of Lily, James and Harry Potter that night –"

"Wait a minute," Lily interrupted once more. "Are you saying that the older version of me died that same night?!" Lily Luna nodded. "How old was I?"

Lily Luna and Al glanced at each other. "Dunno … 20 maybe?" Al offered hesitantly.

Lily flopped bonelessly onto her chair. "Dead by 20 …?" she whispered to herself, appalled. "And married to Potter … I don't know which is worse, but both …"

Lily Luna's gimlet-eyed stare bored into Harry's skull. "Didn't you tell them about all this?"

"Of course not! What possible good would that do? None of that's going to happen this time around, so there's no use in dwelling on possibilities," Harry said firmly.

The keen, considering gaze that the Head Girl was directing on him suggested, to his sinking resignation, that his plan to keep mum was going to be torpedoed in short order by this sorta-version of his sorta-mum.

"It's not so bad," Lily Luna tried to comfort Lily.

"Not so bad!?" the agitated Head Girl demanded. "How could it possibly be 'not so bad'? Explain it to me, 'coz I'm sure not seeing it right now!"

"Well, I mean, yeah, sure, that version of you died and all, but your death did a lot of good. All those blood magic rituals you did ensured that your willing sacrifice of your life caused Voldemort's Killing Curse to bounce off Harry, Peter, whatever, and hit him instead. Destroyed his body and ushered in a decade and a half of peace to the British magical world," Lily Luna explained in a reassuring tone.

Harry nodded affirmatively. "Saved my life many times over. So, thanks I guess!" He gave her an encouraging thumbs up.

Lily paled further, if that were possible. "Are you saying that an alternative older version of me was dabbling in illegal blood magic?!"

"Master of the field more like. Don't worry, the law always looked the other way. As if anyone was ever going to arrest The Bleeding Lilly! One of the deadliest and most effective Aurors in the field, I'm told she was," Lily Luna said proudly. "According to Aunt Susan you, she, was Amelia Bones' partner, before Amelia become the Director of the DMLE. I believe your pet name for her was 'Sadistic Bitch'; or was it her pet name for you? I forget."

"The Bleeding Lilly?" Lily asked in a dazed tone.

Lily Luna blinked at the girl in increasing concern at how she was taking the news. But, aware of the pressing time constraints, did not press the issue, in favour of providing more pressing information. "Getting back to the story, the girl – Dauphin or something – smashes the time turner so no-one could undo things. Al and Scorpius sent a message to the adult you in the future using some, no doubt doltish, method. Luckily, there was another one of those time turners that adult-you had, so the cavalry came and saved the day. Well, so to speak – I mean, they still had to let Voldemort kill James and Lily and then get killed himself by trying to kill you and all, but I mean, at least the timeline was more or less intact, amirite?" And with this less-than-edifying conclusion to her epic tale, Lily Luna sat down, with the satisfied air of someone who's successfully completed a difficult and thankless task.

"A most intriguing series of butterfly effects," mused Pandora, leaning back in her Iron Throne of Science and tenting his hands.

Lily Luna opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by a low buzzing noise sounding from under her blouse. Fishing out a device that could only be one of the time turners her story described, she announced, "Looks like we're out of time!" Albus and Scorpius immediately glommed onto her and with a pop, the three were gone.

"Well," Odd declared into the loud silence that followed, "that was quite a story."

"It was wasn't it?" said Lily Luna. "I've always been the best storyteller out of my friends."

The assembled group turned in surprise as the three persons who'd just left a minute or two ago emerged from the far side of the room, doffing their Invisibility Cloak.

"Where did you come from?" Ron demanded.

"Ginevra Molly Weasley," the girl replied cheekily. "But if you're asking how we got into the lab, through the door. You all were so intent on what the other me was saying, you didn't even notice us sneak in."

"This is the next day for us," Al added. "Have to wait for the time turner to recharge now and then."

"But we figured it was only fair to come back and tell you the rest of it, since we need your help to fix things," his sister added.

"Now that you are back again, I've a question," Ron said. "Why would this Dolphin person –"

"Delphini," corrected Scorpius.

"'s what I said, why would she want Snakeface to win? She a Death Nibbler or something?"

"Oh," said Al, "didn't we tell you that? 'Coz she's Voldemort's daughter."

"What?! Old Albino the Hairless actually did it with a flesh-and-blood woman?" Ron demanded, shuddering. "Who'd be crazy and depraved enough to ever wanttodothatitwasBellatrixLestrangewasntit?"

"Of course it was," Harry groaned, seeing the three time travellers nod. "Who else could it ever be? I'm hitting that girl with a permanent sterilisation hex next time I see her."

"Give 'er one for me too, mate."

"The thing I don't understand," Odd piped up, "is why you came here. It sounds as if everything were wrapped up nicely, with no need to 'change the future' as you put it."

"That's 'coz I haven't told you the rest yet," Lily Luna grinned impudently. "It was all fine and dandy except for the part where Delphini was dragged back to the proper time – our present – to go stand trial in front of the Wizengamot."

"And that was bad because …" Harry said.

"Because there's still a ton of blood purists in the government, and they jumped at the chance to get their hands on her," Scorpius said dryly. "Any family that controlled the 'Heir of Voldemort and Slytherin' would be preeminent amongst the dark families, maybe even have their Heir marry her and produce offspring who'd be contenders for the next Dark Lord." He grimaced. "So she got sprung."

"And that's when these two decided to grow a brain and talk to someone who could do something that would actually help. And who, if they'd gone to her sooner, would've made sure none of this whole mess ever happened!" Lily Luna interjected primly.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Oh great, another know-it-all!"

"Shut up Ron, don't speak that way about your niece!" Harry asserted. Lily Luna gave him a smile of thanks. He winked back.

"Being the 'know-it-all' that I am," she made finger-quotes, "I figured that that lot would probably try to grab that second time turner from the Ministry as soon as they could, to go back in time to try and make Voldemort the emperor again. People are stupid, they always try to do the same things over and over again, no matter how badly it turned out for them the previous times," she pronounced with all the certainty of a precocious 14-year old girl. "So …"

"Let me guess …" Harry sighed.

"I nicked it."

"Unfortunately," Al broke in, "there was still a big fight at the Ministry. Delphini and her friends were tearing the Minister's Office and the DoM apart trying to find the time turner, they got in a big fight with the Aurors, and it all got really out of hand."

"How out of hand?" asked Ron.

"They ah … they kind of woke Voldemort up."

Silence.

Harry blinked. "I'm positive I didn't hear that right."

Ron said, "Me either. I mean, I distinctly remember hearing the little red hen here saying that we won the war, you became Chief Auror and we and lived happily ever after and all that rot. Kinda hard to imagine that happening while Snakeface was still on this side of the mortal coil and all."

Lily Luna sighed. "You may as well settle in; it took me ages and ages of pestering Mum and Aunt Hermione and Uncle Algie from the Unspeakables to put it together. Okay, you know how you had that bit of Voldemort's soul in your head that was keeping him from dying?"

"You had some of a Dark Lord's soul lodged in your brain?!" Lily demanded. "Oh my Merlin, every new thing I hear about you makes me horrified all over again!" She prodded Harry firmly, and he squeaked loudly. Twisting away from the brutal assault, Harry spun around behind her and used an Auror restraining trick to incapacitate her arms. "Let me go, you numptie!" she demanded, squirming in his grip.

"Are you going to be a good girl and keep your hands to yourself?" he demanded, shifting his weight to maintain his grip. Being a head shorter than her made it difficult to maintain proper leverage, and the two lost their balance and went tumbling down onto the mattress.

"I promise nothing!" she declared. The two continued to wrestle, as the others looked on in a mixture of amusement and disgust at the display. Al greened nauseously, while Lily Luna observed the roughhousing with frank interest.

"If you two have finished flirting for the moment," Pandora said in irritation, "I would like to find out about our Travellers' aims of changing the future. "I assume you wish our assistance in this endeavour?" At their nods, she held out her hand. "Then you shall have the backing of Science! Well then, let's start off with examining this 'perfect time turner' of yours."

Lily Luna reluctantly handed it over. "We need that back soon," she said nervously. "If the timer runs out and we're not touching it at the time, it'll go back by itself and we'll be stuck here in this time forever."

"I'll be most speedy." After a minute or two of Pandora and Odd hemming and hawwing over the device, Pandora shook her head firmly in the negative. Still examining the time turner, she said, "Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you cannot use a time turner to change the past."

"Could've fooled me. You sound more delighted than sorry," Ron said mulishly.

"Yes you can," Al immediately protested. "Like Lily said, we changed it a lot! Me and Scorpius messed things up quite a bit …"

Harry tried to remember something Hermione had told him once "He's right, aren't there all sorts of stories about witches and wizards going back in time and killing themselves and suchlike?"

Pandora treated the two Potter males to a pitying gaze. "Of course there are. And they're just that – stories. Something to amuse the average simpleton. The Mad Muggle goes Back to the Future; Bilius and Theodore's Excellent Adventurousness; My Little Portal. Pshaw! A time turner doesn't change the timestream around the user, it's nowhere near powerful enough to do that. It merely changes the user's own relative position within the stream. Like standing on the top of the Astronomy Tower then walking down to the dungeon – you're just in a different part of the same thing, that doesn't transform Hogwarts castle into an Oceanside resort!" Pandora lectured. "Ergo, the timestream has already taken your past actions into account, whatever you do."

"So you can't go back into the past and kill your past self? Or become your own grandfather?" Harry asked in a chastened tone.

"Of course not, what stupid ideas; and what sort of degenerate would want to do either of those things in the first place? You're not a pureblood, Pettigrew, kindly don't start thinking like one!"

"That does seem to make sense," Ron pondered, restraining himself from defending his blood status (wasn't Pandora a pureblood too?). "Hermione and Harry saw his past self cast a Patronus to save his present self, before they'd even gone back to do it."

"Exactly – the whole forms a stable, immutable system."

"But we really did change the world," Scorpius objected vociferously. "We made it so Aunt Hermione wasn't Minister of Magic any more! We made it so Dad didn't exist and Voldemort ruled the world! Explain how we could use the time turner to do that!"

Pandora was unfazed. "Foolish minion, that is because this," she held up the device, "isn't a time turner at all!"

"It isn't?" asked Lily Luna curiously. "Then why does everyone call it a time turner, and why does it turn time?"

"Perhaps a comparison with a real time turner would be effective to demonstrate my thesis." Turning to Lily, she asked, "Could you show us yours, please?"

Lily blanched, eyes darting about. "I don't know what are you talking about, I, uh, don't have one of those."

Pandora rolled her eyes. "Come on Lily, you're not fooling anyone. Everybody knows you've got it."

Lily looked as if she'd been slapped. The Head Girl immediately shot a challenging glare at the remainder of the room. Harry and Ron nodded sheepishly. Xeno gave her a thumbs up. Lily deflated. "And here I thought I was being extra clever and stealthy about it," she sighed.

Pandora replied, "If you want to be reeeally stealthy, don't take every single class on offer at Hogwarts. Attending different classes at the same time is a bit of a giveaway, don't you think?"

"You have to keep this a secret!" Lily ordered urgently. "Professor McGonagall made me promise!"

"We have so far, haven't we?" Ron shot back. The others nodded.

"Fine," she growled mutinously, pulling it out of her impressive décolletage and handing it to Pandora. "Just be careful with it."

"Aren't I always? This is a Lovegood you're talking to," Pandora said breezily (and unreassuringly), laying both the devices next to each other on the nearest table. Both girls began to cast a series of complicated and unintelligible diagnostic charms to compare and contrast. Odd, Lily Luna and Al trotted over to observe, leaving Harry and Ron alone with the sole remaining traveller.

An awkward silence descended.

Harry cast around for something intelligent to say. "So… you're Draco's kid eh? Uh, how's that working out for you?" He failed.

The boy stared back blankly.

"Uh, you ever hear the one about the hag, the Healer, and the Mimbulus mimbletonia?" Ron offered.

More blank staring.

Eventually the boy spoke. "You were friends with my father?"

"Er, in a manner of speaking," Harry replied uncomfortably.

"And my grandfather is now your classmate?"

"Yep."

"What's he like?"

"Lucius?"

Scorpius nodded.

"Well, let's see …" Supercilious? Murderous? More racist than the all racing racers at the grand race of the Grande Prix?

"Do you think you could take me to him? I'd like to see what he was like around my age," Scorpius asked eagerly. "I haven't been able to find him here yet."

I dare you to tell him you set a giant basilisk on his grandfather, shouted the Grim. I double-dare you to take him down to the Chamber and show him Lucius' petrified carcass! That'd be a treat – any teenager would jump at the chance!

Harry was saved by the bell-like tinkle of satisfied (i.e., maniacal) laughter from the magiscientist.

"Bwahahahahaha! Exactly as I'd supposed," she announced. "Hardly surprising given my ineffably sublime intellect – the types of magic infusing these devices are completely different." Lily nodded in agreement.

"What does that mean?" demanded Scorpius petulantly. Harry and Ron thought it made him look a lot like a Draco who'd drunk an age-reduction potion and was pouting about it. So basically, like how Draco normally looked.

"It means, young minion, that you didn't go back and forth in time, you actually went to alternative dimensions."

"You mean, like a different universe?" Lily Luna goggled.

"That's correct," Pandora beamed.

"But but," spluttered Al, "that means that every time we changed something in the past … then when the timer ran out and we returned …

"… the changes generated a new universe to which you were restored to. Or maybe the device simply sent you to a universe where those changes had occurred in the past, so you felt the consequences. Or maybe it just sent you to a completely random universe that was at roughly the same point in the timestream as the one you started out from. A most extraordinary Device. I wish I could congratulate its inventor; truly an inspired piece of Science – almost on a par with something I've constructed." Pandora eyed the Device hungrily. Alarmed, Lily Luna seized the chain, and tucked the machine under her blouse again.

Al looked like he'd eaten a boggart or had to clear out a manticore stable. "And the original dimension we left from?" he asked sickly.

Pandora shrugged. "It's probably still out there somewhere."

"Oh my Merlin," breathed Al. The three students seemed to sag, leaning in on each other for support, as if they'd melt onto the floor without it.

"You have to think about what the inventor intended with this Device," Pandora expounded. "Most likely to be able to change some undesirable aspect of her past, present or future circumstances. Time turners are useless because you can't change anything in the timestream, as I have already demonstrated through Science. What would be the point of using a device that doesn't let you change things? But to change things, you have to alter the nature of the universe you're in. And since each universe has a momentum of its own, theoretically the universe will split, and you're spun out into another one where the changes and their consequences manifest." She was pacing, unconsciously gesticulating to emphasise her points.

Harry had an idea. "That means that the time ritual 'Roy and I were caught in sent us to another universe, not the past! It must be! We've been able to change all sorts of stuff that I'm pretty damn skippy didn't happen the last time round."

"In all likelihood," Pandora agreed loftily, "though a proper methodology would involve reconstructing whatever time-warping ritual that other you did in the first place; then we can establish a workable hypothesis …"

"No that's all right, I trust your word on that," Harry assured the girl on the Iron Science Throne, a trifle frantically, sharing an alarmed look with Ron. There was no way in the nine levels of wizarding hell that he was going to allow Pandora Lovegood access to the Necronomicon. "Moving along, can The Device return us, uh, I mean our memories," he amended hastily, "back to our original dimension?"

She nodded. "Perhaps. But not this one." At their looks of confusion, she elaborated. "Magic transcends dimensions and Time. But this Device, I suspect, is tied to a single point in the timestream, and will always return to that temporal point of departure, regardless of which universe you end up in. So it won't help you get to any point except when these three came from – which is, what, about 20 years after your memories end?"

Harry nodded. It was tempting though. Go to a time where his counterparts were happy and the world was at peace. Or was it? Didn't they say that Voldemort had somehow 'woken up?' He glanced at the three.

Lily Luna looked hopeful. She opened her mouth, but The Device gave its buzzing warning, and the three were gone again.

The remnant waited around for 10 minutes, in case the travellers reappeared again. But all was silence. It appeared that they wouldn't be back for the time being, and their many questions left unanswered.

"Well, that was certainly an enlightening session," Lily said finally. "Miss Lovegood, I do believe I need to have a long discussion with my so-called 'son' about the many and varied things that he's been hiding from me about my future and his past."

Harry sighed in relief. Saved from the cavalcade of sadistic testing in the so-called name of so-called Science!

"But that can wait until after you've rerun all your experiments on him and his friend," she continued with an evil smile. "I wouldn't want him to be in anything but tip-top shape for you."

Harry's relief evaporated.

"True," said Pandora, nodding sagely. "That would provide the best quality test results."

"Good," replied Lily sweetly. "Because I can assure you that once I'm through with him, he won't be."

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"Wahoo!"

Gilderoy Lockhart's breakfast the next morning was rudely interrupted by the rude shouting coming from the Gryffindor table. To his chagrin, it emanated from none other than his dear friend and fellow time-traveller Harry Potter. To his further chagrin, said dear friend shot over to the Ravenclaw side of the Great Hall as fast as his fat little legs could take him and sat down right next to him, panting and sweating as if he'd just run a mile.

"We did it!" Peter Pettigrew hissed. "The pig is in the poke!"

"What the bloody hell does that mean?" Ron grumbled. "And stop waving that parchment in my face, can't you see I'm trying to eat breakfast?"

"Inhale, more like. When one eats a meal, 'Roy, it is not typical to need to be careful of losing fingers. Yours or the other 'Claws'." He looked up. "Amirite, fellas?" The other 'Claws sniffed disdainfully, and pointedly shifted further away from the pair. Turning back to Ron, he continued, "But can you cease your inhaling for just a moment and read this?"

Realising his meal time was well and truly over for the foreseeable future, Ron sighed and turned his attention to the note that had gotten the rat animagus so worked up. His eyebrows shot up, paralleling his legs, which propelling him upright simultaneously. He whirled to Harry. "You think it's on the level?"

The short boy nodded. "She mentions how She's always supported house elf rights, which has led to people believing She's up to no good. But She swears that all Her youthful mischief has been managed and won't be a problem any longer."

"By Merlin's saggy left buttock, it really is Her," Ron breathed. "We have to meet!"

"I'll send her an owl telling her to meet us at the Hog's Head tonight. None of us know what the others looks like though, and she said her appearance wouldn't be what we'd expect. Chances are she's also ended up in a strange and twisted mockery of a body. So we need some way to identify ourselves … I'll think of something. I'm going to the owlery to send a response right now," Pettigrew whispered, before scampering away. Ron tried to ignore the bewildered looks from his fellow 'Claws and from the Marauders, and returned to his repast.

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Some hours after the evening meal had concluded, the two students snuck through the hidden passage to Honeydukes and made their way to the Hog's Head, wearing black, wearing face-concealing robes. Sitting down at a table in the farthest corner of the bar, nursing butterbeers, it was not longer before they were approached by a hooded stranger in similar attire.

"The moon sure is bright tonight," the stranger observed casually.

"But the ice is slippery," Harry finished. "Why don't you have a seat and warm yourself for a while, stranger?"

"I'll do that." The hooded figure sat, and surreptitiously cast a privacy spell over the table.

"Hermione!" Ron hissed, "Is it really you?"

"Yes, and you don't need to whisper any more."

"Right," Ron said in a normal volume. "Uh, Hermione, you should know that, well, we're, uh, not exactly in our normal bodies ..."

"Me either," the shape replied unhappily.

"So uh, how should we do this?" asked Harry awkwardly. "I don't know the etiquette for these sorts of situations."

"Probably because it doesn't exist," the shadowy figure replied wryly. "But why don't you two go first: stupidity before beauty and all that."

The boys acceded to her request and threw back their black cowls. There was a long pause.

"Gilderoy Lockhart and Peter Pettigrew. Not who I was expecting."

"Okay," said Ron impatiently, "we've done the big dramatic reveal, so take your cowl down and show us the goods already. This isn't some parallel dimension where we're all getting any younger."

"No prizes for guessing which one of you is Ronald," the figure said dryly, before throwing off her own hood.

Ron and Harry shifted back involuntarily, shock marring their handsome and ugly (respectively) features. Never, never in their wildest imaginings could they have foreseen such a horrific and gut-wrenching outcome. Both manfully resisted the urge to vomit, to flee, to scream in terror, or to throw up their hands to the heavens and cry out to whatever deities may be up there against the rank injustice of the universe.

"Dolores Umbridge, junior investigator and auditor of the Department for the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures (DCRMC), of the British Ministry of Magic. Pleased to make your acquaintance," Hermione introduced herself sourly.

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Pettigrew and Lockhart waited nervously. Umbridge's manicured fingernail tapped slowly on the tabletop. Tap tap tap. They shared a glance. Their best friend had not taken their explanations with the amused good humour that they'd vainly hoped for. Tap tap tap. The scowl bespangling her brow stirred up old memories from their schooldays and inspired in Harry a primal urge to flee. Tap tap tap. It seemed she was displeased to have woken up two days ago on a pink divan surrounded by seven fluffy pure-white kneazles meowing for their breakfast. Tap tap tap. Even less pleased to discover that she now sported the sickly-sweet face and simpering voice of her most hated Ministry bureaucrat (one that wasn't a Death Eater, anyway), an up-and-coming rising star of the blood purist set, the future czar of Nazi-style muggle concentration camps under the Thicknesse regime. Tap tap tap.

Finally she spoke. "And what exactly were you trying to achieve with that insane ritual?" she asked calmly.

"I …" Harry paused. "I don't remember. Ron, what was the point of it again?"

"…"

"…"

"Fantastic," Hermione groaned, "just bloody brilliant."

"Hermione, language!" scolded a scandalised Harry.

"I may not be able to remember the exact details, but I'm confident the ritual was a key component of Project GHTUFDOS," Ron defended.

"You and your ridiculous projects," Hermione sighed.

"Enough!" said Ron firmly. "I will not hear another word against Project GHTUFDOS!"

"Even if it's the direct cause of our current predicament?"

"Women cannot understand the principle of manly bonding through booze, bars and carousing," Ron proclaimed wisely.

"And yet," said Hermione, coming out of her reverie, "I doubt you'd find a woman who'd drink enough booze to drown a donkey, take enough magical drugs to knock out a nundu, and then make up a time-and-universe-shaking ritual on the fly that causes her and her friends to end up in the middle of a civil war in the bodies of their mortal enemies."

"Uh… yes … well …" Ron was reluctant to concede his pwnage. "Hermione, you can get us out of this mess, right?" he asked hopefully. "You're brilliant at this sort of thing!"

"This is a bit more complicated than that time you belched slugs everywhere. Or the time you transfigured yourself into a blue llama. Or the time you tried to invent a spider-repelling charm and instead created the most powerful spider-attracting aura in the world. Boy, was that a fun weekend," Hermione replied sardonically. She rubbed her temples tiredly. "I'm going to need to know everything there is about this ritual you two decided to perform in my sitting room."

"Understood. Kreacher! Go to the Secret Library underneath 12 Grimmauld Place and fetch me the oldest book there, its title is the 'Necronomicon' and it's bound in human skin," Harry ordered. Hermione shuddered in disgust.

The withered creature returned momentarily with the item in question. Hermione refused to touch the 'book' directly, pulling out a frilly pink handkerchief to delicately accept it from Harry.

"Oh well, I stand corrected," she said cuttingly, "performing any magic written in a book made of human skin and written in human blood, with the giant words 'danger' and 'do not open, faint of heart and weak of will' in Latin on the cover, seems like by far the most rational and sensible course of action. How wrong I was to scold you. You've really put me in my place, boys."

"Eh, thankyou Kreacher," Harry said, manfully and heroically ducking the issue. "For future reference, these two people, Dolores "Hermione" Umbridge and Gilderoy "Ron" Lockhart, are my retainers. You are to come when they call and obey all their orders as if they came from Lord Black himself. Unless of course, they contradict my orders. Do you understand?"

Kreacher examined the two humans with his huge, hateful yellow eyes. His sneer was surprisingly half-hearted though. "Kreacher understands. At least revolting boggart-breath master has basic decency to associate with pureblood retainers, born in a gutter though they be," he growled maliciously.

"Glad to have your vote of confidence," Harry replied sarcastically. "You may go for now."

"What was the name of this ritual?" asked Hermione, perusing the text. She leafed through the book (trying not to speculate what, or who, the parchment had been made out of), turning each page with the tip of her wand. It was definitely one of the most ancient tomes she'd encountered, so old it didn't even have any of the standard dark curses so commonly attached to such texts, designed to inflict eternal agony on the unwary reader.

"Ummm Ask Brent or something like that?" Harry hazarded.

"Ass Bent?"

"Mask End?"

"Asp Trend?"

"Ash Tent?"

"Ash Ketchum?"

"AshkEnte?" Hermione interjected in dread.

"Sounds about right." Harry didn't like the ashen hue her skin started to acquire.

"Oh sweet Merlin," she muttered to herself.

"Oh boy," Ron whispered to Harry, "that sounded bad."

"This is going to take some time to figure out," Hermione said shakily. "And by that, I mean a lot of time. Possibly even years and years."

"Oh Mordred, how did this misfortune happen to us?" Ron moaned piteously.

"How did this happen?! How? You dare ask that question, Ronald Bilius Weasley!?" she snapped in sudden ferocity. "You are, without a doubt, the most boneheaded, self-centred, insensitive wart I have ever had the misfortune to meet! Deciding to do a world-changing ritual while off your rocker and working from a half-completed set of instructions? What could go wrong hmmmm? Did you ever stop to think about what was in the room you did this rite in?"

"Ummm books?" he offered lamely.

"And what else?" Hermione enunciated slowly, as if explaining combustion engines to a particularly dim toddler. Without waiting for his response, she answered her own question: "Wormtail's silver hand," pointing at Harry. "Your old wand, the one who's last spell was that of a certain DADA teacher who tried to obliviate the two of you, and so was probably still saturated with his magical signature," pointing at Ron. "Pictures of Harry's parents and your uncles. Harry's photo-album was on one of the shelves. Harry's Firebolt that Umbridge confiscated. The remains of Slytherin's locket that we had to retrieve from Umbridge's possession. The jar of faerie wings I had on the mantelpiece. Faerie wings, which as I'm sure you geniuses knew, are the raw materials quantum quartz crystal sand is made out of, which is the primary component of time turners. For all I know, the scars on the back of Harry's hand from his detentions with Umbridge may even have had an influence! And so on and so forth. Gee, I wonder, I just wonder how we ended up in this mess? It's a complete mystery," she finished sarcastically.

The two miscreants hung their heads in shame. "It's pure luck that the three of us weren't atomised, and our particles scattered across the length and breadth of the solar system," she concluded, carefully storing the dread tome into an inner pocket. "In any case, the question now is, what are we going to do while we're stuck in this time?"

"Same plan as always," Harry offered. "Destroy Voldie, destroy Death Eaters, overthrow pureblood privilege and systemic discrimination?"

"Sounds about as good an approach as any," Hermione conceded. "Especially if we end up trapped here permanently. I'd rather live in a society I'd actually be proud to tell outsiders about."

"Alright, we've already taken some strides in that direction. You may have heard about the disappearance of students from Hogwarts?"

"That was you, was it? Can't say I'm surprised. Why?"

"Far too dangerous to leave them loose in the wizarding world, carrying out Riddle's agenda, now and over the next few generations. 'Kill the body and the head will die'," Harry explained. "They're not like the wimpy Slytherins of our day; the Knights of Walpurgis were running rampant through Hogwarts. Started a huge brawl right in the Great Hall just because a single Slytherin was tricked in a game of exploding snap." He refrained from describing the exact circumstances of that card game, and his role therein. "It was a miracle nobody was killed or permanently maimed."

"What about the DA? Are you planning to resurrect that?"

Harry and Ron shared a surprised look. Neither had thought of that.

"Ahh, hadn't really considered it," Harry admitted sheepishly. "I've been a bit preoccupied, what with dealing with Lily Evans, the Marauders, a pushy French Veela, some time-travelling children, the Slytherins, a Lovegood who wants to perform Science on us, etc."

Hermione lifted an eyebrow. "Perform Science?"

"Oh yeah," Ron broke in, "The 'Science Of Magic', whatever that is; you can practically feel the capitalisation! And don't get me started about this nutter here – he's always going on and on about our inestimable World's Greatest Scientist Pandora Lovegood: according to Pandora … as I was saying to Pandora … Pandora's of the opinion … Pandora was telling me … look at what Pandora's invented now … Pandora will figure out what happened to us … I'd make a joke about how they'll be announcing their engagement any day now, except from the way he's been carrying on the past few months with his Mum, I'm afraid they actually will!"

"Shut it you twonk, we've been over this already!"

"You're going to have to tell me all about your misadventures in detail. But that will have to wait for another time, it's getting late and I have" her toadlike face scrunched into a moue of disgust, "work tomorrow at the DCRMC. Can't believe I ended up stuck in the rat maze that is the Ministry of Magic, in spite of all my best efforts. Nevertheless, I think it may be advisable to reinstate the DA; there are a lot of enemies out there, enemies we really don't want to be facing all by ourselves. Unless you think we can rely on the Order of the Phoenix to back us up?"

Harry shook his head. "I thought about that, but I really can't see how it would help. Sure, maybe we could collaborate or something down the line, but they were barely effective during the second war. What exactly did they achieve? Gather information? That was all Snape, all the time. Guard the Prophecy Orb? All that did was send poor Mr Weasley to St Mungos. Put guards around Privet Drive to 'protect me'? All that did was block all my mail and isolate me from everything and everyone. Didn't prevent the starvings, forced labour, random beatings or smacks in the head with a frying pan from my 'loving' relatives, so I'm skeptical as to how effectively they'd ward off Death Eater attacks. In fact," he mused, "the sole time they did have to fight off a Death Eater attack, a bunch of people got killed. And Hedwig." His eyes closed in grief.

Ron patted him on the back comfortingly. "Then it's settled," he said roughly. "We'll set up the DA the way we want it to run, and Dumbles and his Order can just get with the program if they want to help!" He abruptly started giggling. "Sorry, sorry. The irony of Dolores Umbridge herself recommending the establishment of the DA, it just hit me," he snickered. Harry managed a weak smile.

"I may turn SPEW-SPUG into an actual organisation fighting for creatures' rights," Hermione mused.

"We've already received several donations and expressions of interest," Harry murmured, trying to pull himself together. "You can start with them." Hermione nodded. "I'll tell Goldenrod that you're in charge of all that."

"Since you're an adult, you could probably organise your own version of the DA, out in the real world," Ron added. "And you – Umbridge, probably has all sorts of connections to shady people, and could dig up all sorts of useful info, amirite?"

Hermione nodded reluctantly. "That's true enough."

"All right," said Harry with characteristic decisiveness. "I'm in. We've come this far, we'd be fools not to ride this strange torpedo all the way out to the end."

"Then it's settled," Ron said with uncharacteristic decisiveness. "For now though, Harry's tired, and we need to get back to our dorms before they start releasing the hounds."

"Then Harry can be on his way – you and I need to have a long, long discussion right now, O boyfriend-of-mine," she growled, with barely hidden menace. "Don't think I don't know who was the 'brains' behind this whole operation."

Ron froze, halfway up. He looked desperately between Harry and his girlfriend, wracking his brains for a way out. It's no use, his brain told him, you're trapped like a rat. If you were smarter you'd be able to figure a way out of this, but you're not so just might as well –

"Murder me, Harry!" he whispered in ill-concealed panic. Harry favoured him with a pitying glance as he abandoned his friend like a complete coward.

"Ron, the next time you decide to have some fun and want me involved," Dolores Umbridge began severely, "I'd rather you set the alarm clock rather than blow me and my bedroom to the moon and back …"

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