Author's Note:
This is a continuation/soft reboot of the time travel tale "Hair of the Grim" by Nightmare Sired Muse, with a bunch of changes. It also contains many concepts, lines and situations from the grab-bag that is "Odd Ideas" by Rorschach's Blot. Both are used with the permission of their original authors. The Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. I do not own Harry Potter or anything else.
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Rated M for some violence, language, drug use and sexual references. Nothing explicit.
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Canon-compliant. HP&DH compliant (except the Epilogue). HP&CC compliant (except the conclusion). FB&WTFT compliant. Pottermore compliant (mostly).
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Recommended Fanfiction of the Week: "A Bad Week at the Wizengamot" by DisobedienceWriter.
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Question of the Week: Got Milk?
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Interlude – Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride
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I don't know what I am any more, or what I'm feeling
Now I'm on fire, now I'm freezing.
– The Marriage of Figaro
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"Father, I'm off to Magical Asia with Lord Potter-Black and the rest of my friends to rescue or avenge our kidnapped time-displaced comrades!" Pandora Malfoy-Lovegood yelled.
"Alright, crabapple, do you want me to set an extra place for dinner?" Insanus called back.
"I believe that we'll be spending the remainder of the year and possibly a bit of next year on the run, fighting impossible odds against nigh-invincible foes!" Pandora replied cheerfully. "Not counting the risk of possible time or dimensional displacement of our own! So I do not believe that we will be returning for dinner!"
"Alright, have fun!"
"If something happens to me, please remember to avenge my death!" Pandora bellowed as she packed.
"I will, carrot-tail, don't forget your killing knife that is reputed to entrap the souls of those it cuts in a phantom zone of infinite imprisonment!"
"Where is my pack filled with useful things, Father?" Pandora asked loudly.
"In the closet where you left it!" he yelled.
Pandora checked and her pack was indeed in the closet. "Thankyou, Father, I shall see you when I see you!"
"Alright, kelp, I'll try to remember to henge your beth!"
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˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~
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A 21-year old Lily Luna strode into Pandora's lab and saw Harry busily reading through his inventory lists. A 17-year old Lily Luna was curled up asleep on his lap. He stroked her crimson tresses absently as he read. Heroically resisting the urge to squeal out loud at how cute they looked together, she announced in a muted voice, "I'm all packed."
"That's nice," Harry said distractedly. "What for?" He looked up and finally noticed that she was decked out in Indiana Jones-style apparel. Leather hat, brown leather jacket, olive shirt and trousers, utility belt stocked with a dozen wicked-looking knives, bullwhip, a large backpack bulging with equipment slung over one shoulder.
"Like it?" she did a few poses. "I'm a real Lara Croft."
"Who?"
Lily Luna sighed. "Wizards," she grumbled good-naturedly.
"What are you packed for? You going to a comics convention or a roadshow?" he joked.
She rolled her eyes. "For the trip to Japan, you doofus."
"What?! You're too young to go on such a dangerous journey, Elle," he protested. "We're going to be facing strange cultures and extreme dangers!"
"I'm five years older than you are, buster!" she shot back. "And I've just completed my COMC Mastery." She waved an official document at him. He could see the gold-embossed Ministry seal at the bottom. "Face it – I'm the most mature and most qualified member of this party."
"I'm 36 years old if you add up my current 16 years with my previous 20!"
"Those don't count," she dismissed breezily, "you didn't live all of them, Pettigrew carried a good chunk of the load."
"Don't make me pull the father card on you!"
"You can't," she sniffed. "You're not my father, my father is Chief Baker Harry James Potter from my world, husband of Ginevra Molly Weasley and parent of two other magical children. He was caught in a freak time loop accident, an accident you were responsible for arranging to be undone. You gave me back my father eight years ago – something for which he owes you a Life Debt, incidentally. And since he has no recollection of it – and he's in a different universe – he won't be able to repay you, leaving it my responsibility to uphold House Potter's honour."
"And how exactly will you satisfy this so-called Life Debt?"
"I'm sure I'll think of something," she said airily. "Starting with coming along on this fantastic voyage – er, highly dangerous mission!"
"But, but … The Device will automatically return you to your time after half an hour. Won't it be impractical to have to keep jumping back to this point dozens of times a day? Wouldn't that disrupt your life a lot?"
"Yes, that would be very annoying. Which is why I gave The Device to Al to look after for me once we arrived here. When the timer's up, The Device'll take him back; since I'm not touching it when it hits zero, I stay here."
Harry got to his feet, careful not to wake the sleeping girl. "Where's Al? And how long does the timer have?"
"I think he went to the kitchens," she said casually, lowering her backpack onto the nearest table. "And the timer is due to run out," she consulted her wristwatch, "now. Guess he's back home already." She laughed unrepentantly at his groan.
A sudden flash, and the seventh-year Lily Luna vanished.
The 21-year old Lily Luna smirked. "And there goes the other Device. That settles it: I'm stuck here in this time now, and there's nothing you can do about it!"
"Won't you miss your parents, and your siblings, and your friends?"
She sobered a bit. "Yes, I will. But they know I have to seek my own way in life; how many times in your life do you get the chance at a grand adventure? And Al's promised to bring them visiting from time to time. I gave him a vial of my blood for the Deluminator, so he won't have any trouble finding me. Maybe Aunt Hermione and the Unspeakables can figure out a way to let people stay longer than half an hour."
Lily Luna grabbed up her backpack and helped Harry gather his papers. Together they made their way back to the other members of the HA.
"Anyway," she sniffed condescendingly, "there's no point in arguing. I've been to your future lots of times and I already know that you bring me along. I even save everyone's life more than once. So you can either argue about it with me for the next week, and lose, or you can save yourself and everybody else a lot of aggravation and just give up now."
Harry sighed. "I'm destined to lose this one, aren't I?"
"Do you ever win against one of your women?"
"I suppose not." He harrumphed. "Well, if you're coming along, we'd better speak to Dolores about getting you translator studs."
"Yay!" cheered Lily Luna. "Onward to adventure we go!"
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˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~
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"When I said, 'onward to adventure we go', Peter, I didn't mean crawl around in a dark, filthy hole," Lily Luna grumped.
"But I thought you wanted to be this Larissa Loft woman?" Harry replied innocently. "I got the impression that she was some sort of explorer or something."
"She's a tomb raider," the redhead huffed.
"Well you won't find anything closer to a real tomb this side of Egypt or Rome than the Chamber of Secrets," Harry replied sensibly, hissing to the gate to open.
"Ugh!" the woman recoiled at the sight of the chintzy décor. "You let Uncle Ron decorate this place, didn't you?" she accused.
"Guilty as charged."
"Ick. A priceless piece of Hogwarts and magical European heritage, destroyed forever by one colourblind sports fanatic! And what are you doing?"
Harry had set down a bag onto the middle of the Chamber's chamber and was busily levitating petrified students into it one by one.
"In-flight snacks."
"Excuse me?"
"For my horde of pet Dementors," he replied, refusing to look at her. "What, just because they're terrifying monsters doesn't mean they don't get hungry while travelling!"
She stared at him in horror.
"Don't look at me like that," he snapped defensively. "It's not only Parselmouths who can get into the Chamber, you know. Anyone who speaks or can imitate the language can open the doors. Dear Uncle Ron can, for example. I don't want to take the slightest risk that Grindelwald or any of his patsies, or the Purists or Traditionalists, or anyone else that may come along, gets down here and wakes them all up. Especially since there won't be a basilisk guarding the place. I'd rather not hand another would-be Dark Lord a ready-made army of rich, muggle-hating footsoldiers on a silver platter."
"I get what you're saying," she said slowly, "but to just feed a bunch of totally helpless people to Dementors seems awfully, I don't know – cold and calculating. Inhumane."
Harry winced. "Well, I guess. But I'd rather they go now, quietly and without a fuss, than have to fight and kill them one by one on the field of battle, while they're surrounded by their allies. Or have them escape justice and go on murdering sprees again once the heat is off …"
"Is this what you meant by 'fighting like a rat'?"
He shrugged. "Guess so."
"You're still mad about what happened to Dumbledore."
"Yes," he admitted gruffly. "Both times. But it's more than that. I keep thinking about them, you know. Cedric. Hedwig. Fred. Tonks. Moony. Padfoot. Moody. Bones. Colin Creevy. Luna and Hermione in the Manor. The Evanses. All those muggleborn who ended up in the camps, who were never seen again. The Ministry still hadn't found their graves by the time Ron, Hermione and I ended up here. They all lived or died fighting, or would've if they could've. But they shouldn't have had to. Ordinary people can only sleep safely in their beds because rough men are out there somewhere, willing to do violence on their behalf. In this world and the last, I seem to always be one of the rough men. I'd rather that none of those people or their ilk ever have to face the tips of the wands of these people," he gestured to the bag, "or their children or children's children. At some point this cycle's got to stop. That means the dark families have got to go in toto; they've been simmering in a violent, vicious stew for 100 generations, passing it on to future generations. Somebody's gotta knock the wheel off its axle or it'll never stop turning."
"Remind me never to piss you off," she shivered.
"It's funny, Goldenrod said the same thing to me not long ago. But when you think about it, is it really any different from me putting out a hit on the entire Death Eater community of Britain and France? That was pretty extreme and calculating … I don't know. Am I on a slippery slope? Is the whole war turning me into a callous evil bastard?" he sighed.
Lily Luna chewed her bottom lip in worry, but did not respond.
"Alright, that's the last of them. §Ssssallie! Are you around?§"
§Yessss masssster.§
§Could you pleassse clossse your eyesss and come out here? How would you feel about going on a little trip?§
§I would prefer to ssstay in my nesssst.§
§Come on, it'll be fun!§
§I dissslike 'fun'.§
§There will be lotssss of people and creaturesss to eat,§ Harry wheedled. §Plenty of crunchie munchiesssss to feassst on, which you cannot do here, in a ssssschool full of children.§
§My job isss to protect Hogwartsss.§ Sallie insisted.
§And you will do sssso mossst effectively by coming with me and consssuming the children'sss enemiessss. Better to take them down far away than let them near the ssssschool.§
§Hmmmm.§ Sallie still sounded ambivalent.
§I'll build you a nice new nesssst to sssssleep in.§ Harry was not above open bribery when it came to his 'pet.'
§With branchesss and leavesss and blanketsss and cushionssss and leather and bonesssesss?§ the giant snake asked hopefully.
§Asss many asss you want.§
§Very well,§ the basilisk grumbled. §I will assssissst the sssschool asss you asssk, massster. But only asss long asss I am happy with my nesssst, and have lotsss of crunchiessss.§
§I promisssse.§
Lily still looked a bit green as she helped Harry construct a new lair for the monstrous serpent inside the colostomy bag of holding, under the detailed direction of the fussy creature. But she said nothing further for the next two hours.
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˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~
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"Yes Lily, I understand that you created a device that compressed a trans-phasic runic array and allowed you to use that as the power source for your trans-spectral trans-mogrifier. However, as you failed to account for the buffer overload, you will have to live with the fact that you now, when combined with your experimental modified polyjuice, have cat ears and a tail. Probably forevermore," Pandora lectured the redhead sternly. "This is a result of you not following proper procedure and, at the very least, documenting your work so you could undo what you have wrought. But never fear! Look on the bright side – you're still better off than Peter."
"Narf!"
"Yes yes, have a piece of mouldy cheese for your reward, there's a good boy."
"I object – zis eez a travesty! I weel not allow zis rude Eeenglishwoman to 'ave wings like mine – let 'er fly to ze moon on ze 'Ogwarts Express like all ze other common peegs–"
"Hello, Lily Evans," Pandora chirped. "How are you doing this fine morning?" Lily was dragged into the world of the living to the sound of her friend and lab partner's inappropriately cheerful voice. Groggily opening her eyes, she saw her friend crawl through the Head Girl's Suite's window dressed in a 19th century safari suit, though with a short white skirt.
"Pandora?" Lily exclaimed in shock as she quickly buttoned up her nightshirt and threw on a skirt, wondering if her dozing thoughts had crossed over into full-blown hallucinations. "How did you get in here?"
"I compelled Argus Filch to tell me which window of the castle belongs to the Head Girl's Suite," Pandora replied with a dazed grin. "We have 15 minutes to leave if you wish to leave with us and 15 minutes to visit if you wish to stay."
"We've got less time than that if Filch tells McGonagall that you came to see me from the outside of the castle," Lily said dryly. "Who's 'us' and where's 'us' going?"
"Not to worry, Mr Filch will not be telling anyone what transpired between us. Too busy sobbing like a seven-year old girl, ohohohohoho!" she laughed in an unhinged fashion and a tone that suggested she believed the matter settled.
"Um ..." Lily was unsure of what she was supposed to say to a girl she was currently dreaming about because obviously she'd fallen asleep while studying. And even though dream-Pandora was a product of her own mind, she still didn't want to know what dream-Pandora had done to the dream- sour caretaker.
"I would suggest that you start packing," Pandora prompted. "And I would further suggest that you bring along any item or items that you ever wish to see again." The girl blushed. "I am afraid that I will be forced to do something a bit naughty to cover our tracks, you may feel free to spank me after we escape."
Yep, definitely dreaming, Lily decided. "You still haven't told me where we're going."
"No time! The sooner we complete our escape, the sooner you can properly chastise me with a good spanking, and we had better make our escape in the next 15 minutes if we wish to have any hope of success," Pandora pointed out, waving her wand vaguely. The contents of the Suite swiftly organised themselves and packed themselves into a mokeskin pouch that Pandora held out with her other hand.
"Where'd you get that? Aren't mokeskin pouches incredibly rare?"
"Miss Umbridge liberated it from the Neanderthals of the DoM so that they could be put to actual useful use, bwahahahahahhahaha! Right, that's everything, let's go."
"Uh, I s'pose," the Head Girl said blearily. "Where's Narcissa?"
"She was packed and ready hours ago, lazybones, and is awaiting us at our destination. Now," Pandora commanded, "grab my breasts!"
"What?" Lily asked flatly.
"My bra is a portkey," Pandora explained.
"That's ... actually kinda brilliant," Lily admitted. You're always in contact with it, it's out of sight, and it's unusual enough to escape most cursory searches.
"I know," Pandora agreed happily. It gave her the perfect excuse to have her friends grope her. "Let's go."
"Alright, Pandora." She gingerly slipped her hands under the other girl's blouse. "Ready when you are."
"That won't do at all, you'll end up falling off halfway through," Pandora chastised, reaching up to grip Lily's hands, forcing the Head Girl to give her a mighty grope.
Lily's startled squeak was concurrent with the experience of feeling like they were being pushed out the universe's sphincter. A whorl of lights and colours and they arrived at their destination.
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Harry saw Pandora and Lily arrived in a flash out of the corner of his eye. The Queen of Gryffindor looked awfully dazed and confused, as if she'd only just woken. The rest of the party were scattered across the front lawns of Malfoy Manor, giving their final farewells to friends.
"Guess this is it, huh?" he said to Ron and Hermione, giving them firm hugs.
"Only for the time being," Ron said roughly. "I could always come along with you …"
"No no," Harry shook his head. "It's good for you to stay. Someone needs to hold the fort and watch our backs here in Britain, make sure we don't lose all the gains we've made. And I can't think of anyone I'd trust more to do that than Dolores Umbridge and her hunky young boy-toy!" The Golden Trio laughed in a strained fashion. "You need to rebuilt your ties with this version of your family, Ron, and the only place it can be done is here." He turned to wave at the Weasleys and Prewetts, who'd gathered to watch them leave, and were standing a polite distance away to give the departees some privacy. Molly waved back cheerfully, an arm firmly around Merope Gaunt's tiny waist.
"Yeah, I guess," Ron conceded. "We'll tie up all the loose ends here and then come find you."
"But just say the word, at any time, and we'll come charging in with the cavalry," Hermione added.
"Thanks. With any luck, we can get this whole mess sorted out by the end of the year, and be back in time for the start of next term."
"Sounds good!" None of them believed it was likely to be resolved that quickly. "See you round, you brummie git!"
"Bloody twonk!"
The three strolled over to the Marauders, who were saying farewell to James.
"Are you sure you can't come, mate?" Sirius asked for the thousandth time.
"Sorry, Padfoot, no can do. My parent's won't hear of it. You know that."
"So just ditch this joint without telling anyone! We can leave 'em a note to find once you're already in Magical Asia," Sirius urged.
"And break their hearts?" Prongs shook his head. "I can't, I just can't do that to them. They're elderly, and … well, I'm their only child. It could kill them."
Sirius sighed. "At least you won't be alone. I hear the McKinnons, Frank and Odd are in the same boat. You'll be able to keep the HA going strong with them backing you up; maybe grab a few new members if you can find some students of real quality, expand The Quibbler, they'll be plenty to keep you occupied. We'll be back before you notice it."
"Yeah."
The two boys shared a long, fierce hug, then grabbed Remus for a three-way embrace. Finally they stepped back, eyes suspiciously misty. They refused to look the other in the face.
Harry stepped forward. "I … uh … I guess I'll see you around, Prongs," he began hesitantly.
"Yeah …"
There was a long, awkward pause.
"Oh for Morgana's sake, just hug it out already!" demanded Padfoot, giving Harry a shove. With a yelp, Harry pitched forwards, and then he and James were clinging to each other.
"Take care of yourself," Prongs managed. "And look after the other two. Make sure Padfoot stays out of trouble, yeah?"
"Will do," Harry replied thickly.
They let go, and James quickly turned and strode away to find the nearest Floo. The other three Marauders sighed.
"Won't be the same without him," commented Remus morosely. "I wish our communication mirrors had a range of several thousand miles instead of several."
"Something for us to work on fixing," Sirius agreed.
Harry nodded sadly, he wished he'd been able to end things on a better note with this alternate-sorta-father. He suddenly found himself wrapped in a strong hug.
"Apolline, you're coming too? Don't give me that look; of course you are, I don't even know why I opened my mouth. Have you at least asked for your parents' permission?"
"I left zem a note," she dismissed his concerns, tightening her embrace. "Zey will receive it in a week or two."
"You know your Papa is going to chase you down to bring you back, just like he did last time, right?"
"I am quite sure 'e will try," she sniffed. "But eef 'e wishes to waste 'is time on such fruitless endeavours when zere are so many criminals just waiting for 'im to lock zem up, zat eez 'is own business."
Harry sighed. "Will you at least promise to send them regular letters letting them know you're alive and unharmed."
"Eef you wish eet, I shall do so."
"Thankyou, I appreciate it." He brought his arms up to give her a squeeze of thanks.
"You're doing WHAT?!" In the distance was the sound of one redhead alpha wolf pitching a hell of a fit.
"Oh Merlin."
"Pettigrew!"
"I hope Pandora actually explained things to Lily first," he groaned, "instead of just dragging her out here out of the blue."
Apolline giggled. "I zink you know exactly what Pandora 'as done! And I zink Lilly 'as just come properly awake. Good luck!"
"Hey, you can't leave me alone with …" he began to her retreating back. "Traitor …" Harry glanced at his magiscientist wife out of the corner of his eye. She was currently double-checking the contents of her mokeskin bag and chuckling ominously. Why couldn't he have married a nice normal girl, or even a girl that was only slightly unhinged, like Bellatrix? No, he had to let his obsession with saving people steamroll his common sense. 'Curse you, conscience!' he lamented to himself.
Hey, right back at you buster! snapped the Otter.
Prek! the Owl asserted.
With a deep breath, Harry turned to face his Destiny.
Lily 'Wrath of Merlin' Evans folded her arms and considered him. Mary MacDonald took up a flanking position, eyes flicking worriedly between the two. There was silence for a time.
"So you and the HA are going to go gallivanting across the globe jonesing for a fight with the most dangerous dark wizards in the world, are you?" Lily asked calmly.
"Yeah."
"Do I need to tell you how utterly, insanely irrational this course of action is, considering you're a bunch of schoolchildren?"
"No."
Another long pause.
Her eyes travelled to regard the Scotswoman. "I'm with ye either way," Mary said firmly. "Ye go, I go; ye stay, I stay."
Lily sighed. "Pandora's already packed my things. Just give me a minute to write a note to my parents and to Professor MacGonagall. Temporary withdrawal due to pressing family matters, etc."
"What?"
"Don't look so shocked, Peter," she said primly. "As if I would let you do something so monumentally reckless alone. I told you as much when we spoke to the Dementors, didn't I?"
"I … yes, you're right, of course."
"Of course I'm right. I'm always right."
"Er… you're right?"
"Glad to see it's finally penetrating that thick cranium of yours."
"Okaaay … Dobby! Kreacher! Are you set?"
"Dobby is all readiness, Noble Nabob Peter Pettigrew sir!"
Kreacher simply snarled.
Harry rubbed his temples. "Look Kreacher, I know you're not keen on going on this little trip, but think of it like this: the only members of the House of Black in the entire world are right here with you. And in a short while, all the Blacks in the world will be in Japan. Do you wish to be able to serve House Black or not? Because it's impossible to do it here in Britain. I could always leave you behind to look after Malfoy Manor and take Flipsy or Flopsy instead. Would you prefer that?" he asked shrewdly. "It would involve having to serve the largest group of halfbloods and blood-traitors this side of Trafalgar, but if that's what you want …"
"Kreacher will come with disgusting pustule of putridness and his mudblood slattern whore-wife!" the gnarled old elf said hastily.
"Excellent news – now it's time to be off. Don't forget to grab hold of the portkey; you too, Dobby."
They took hold of the long rope that was their international portkey to Mahounihon. Pandora had won the wand-paper-rock contest to speak the activation phrase that would send them on their journey. Looking around, Harry did a final headcount. Himself, Pandora, Lily, Apolline, Lily Luna, Remus, Sirius, Mary, Narcissa, Dobby and Kreacher. They had 11 party members, including the elves. Not quite as powerful a magical number as 12, or a multiple of seven, but still a good magical number nonetheless, arithmantically-speaking.
Harry felt bad about going to fight their war on someone else's soil; condemning a foreign people, their lands and children to suffering and death for reasons that weren't their own. Yet he couldn't suppress that small, shameful feeling of gladness, that at least the worst of it would be far far away from the people he knew and loved. That they, or at least their forebears, wouldn't have to suffer the way they did in his world. No Longbottoms crucio'd into insanity, no Potters assassinated leaving their son an unwanted orphan, no Amelia Bones being torn to shreds inside her own boudoir, no Dumbledore being shot down by his closest subordinate. The best they could do was to end this as quickly as possible, with as little devastation and loss as possible. Without engaging in insane risks and relying solely on hail-marys like last time around. In short, fight sneaky, fight dirty, fight like rats.
With a deep breath, Pandora gave a mighty bellow: "Onward to glory!"
"Goodbye dearies, do be careful! And don't forget to wear clean underwear at all times, in case a kappa steals your robes!" called Molly Weasley.
And the world spun away.
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