Harry Potter and The Heart of a Rat

by Kikkuli

There are many things Harry Potter shouldn't do while ridiculously drunk or high: listening to his equally wasted friend's 'brilliant ideas' is one. Hello past, hello future! Never fear, Wizarding World: Peter Pettigrew, Gilderoy Lockhart and Dolores Umbridge have come to save you! Er, yay? [Mostly HP, some Naruto, Ranma, Twilight, NGE] HP/Multi, R/H, SB/NB Time/dimensional travel

31. 28 Dirty Hermione Callahan

Author's Note:

This is both a HP reworking of "Back to the Future" themes, and a soft reboot/reworking of the time travel tale "Hair of the Grim" by Nightmare Sired Muse. It also contains many concepts, lines and situations from the grab-bag that is "Odd Ideas" by Rorschach's Blot. Used with the permission of their original authors (except for "Back to the Future" of course). The Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. I do not own Harry Potter or anything else. Full disclaimer in the Table of Contents.

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Rated M for some violence, language, drug use and sexual references. Nothing explicit.

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Canon-compliant. HP&DH compliant (except the Epilogue). HP&CC compliant (except the conclusion). FB&WTFT compliant. Pottermore compliant (mostly). Some crossover with: Naruto, Ranma ½, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Twilight, Lord of the Rings and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Primarily Harry Potter though.

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Recommended Fanfiction of the Week: "Make Wish" by Rorschach's Blot.

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Question of the Week: Any Umbridge/Lockhart Shippers out there? (Bonus points if it's Obliviated!Lockhart x Traumatised!Dolores)

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Chapter 28 – Dirty Hermione Callahan

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Our brains have been designed to blur the line between self and other. It is an ancient neural circuitry that marks every mammal, from mouse to elephant.

– Frans de Waal

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"What do you want, Umbridge?" sneered Barsabas Evermonde, the third-in-command at the DCRMC. The tall, greying bureaucrat stared hatefully at the cancerous vile woman who'd leapfrogged over him to attain the job he'd been scheming towards for over a decade. And to add insult to injury, who was cracking down on departmental officials' bribe-taking, no less! The most egregious sort, anyway.

"A little chat, Barsabas."

"And what if I don't feel like chatting? What 're you gonna do about it, send me to the mail room like Lufkin, or set to dealing with the goblin filth like Jorkins?"

"I'm sure we can find something less extreme," commented the strapping blond-haired boy leaning on the wall in the corner.

"Who's your new boytoy? Never figured you'd be the sort to keep a stable of pool-boys on the side – I always figured your tastes ran more … amphibian that that."

"My apprentice, Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Apprentice? Apprentice for what? Permanent partial human-to-toad self-transfiguration?" Evermonde gave a dark laugh. "Never figured you for a joker, Umbridge."

"That's Deputy Director to you. Or Senior Undersecretary. Or Lady Malfoy, if you prefer."

"You're nothing but a 20-something upstart who thinks she's got what it takes to run with the big boys! You play around with gryphons, you're gonna get torn to shreds – fair warning."

"Boy! Fetch us tea!" she commanded, ignoring Evermonde's insults. The blond lad shuffled off. "Assistant Deputy Director DCRMC Barsabas Evermonde, you're here for this formal questioning session because I need answers from you."

"Formal questioning?" the man sneered. "What, you defraud your way to becoming an Auror now?"

"Hardly. It takes three years of experience to become an Auror, after you graduate from the Academy that is. And if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were jealous your own fraud is so lacklustre by comparison," Umbridge simpered. "Fortunately there are other options to the Academy."

"Like what?" Evermonde's eyes narrowed.

"I have a few strings I can pull," Umbridge replied vaguely. "And the standards to become a professional Special Ministry Investigator are much lower than those to become an Auror. All you need to do is fill out a form, get the Minister's signature, and pay all the relevant fees and bribes. Yet SMIs have many of the same powers and privileges as Aurors, go figure."

"For what purpose?"

"To clean up my Department." Umbridge gave a cool smile. "Lufkin and Gamp have left it a complete niffler's breakfast. Most likely compromised up the wazoo with Death Eaters and Death Eater sympathisers, to boot. The first step to disinfecting the country is dis-infesting the Ministry. Since I'm the Deputy Director here, I'll start with the DCRMC. And you're the first hansom off the rank, congratulations. Might as well start at the top. Petrificus Totalis!"

Evermonde was fast, she'd give him that. And he'd been ready for her to try something like this. Diving below her line-of-sight in front of her desk, the man transfigured the chair he'd previously been sitting in into a snarling timber wolf, who leaped over the desk, intent of tearing out the woman's throat.

"Gaah!" Evermonde fell insensate to a stunner from behind. The intern had in fact not gone to get tea after all.

"Good work, Ron!" his girlfriend praised as she banished the wolf into her bookcase. The crazed beast was on its feet again in a second, but the delay was just enough for her to cancel the transfiguration and restore her chair to its normal state. Ron helpfully replaced it in its original position.

"No problem, Hermione."

"Call me Dirty Hermione Callahan," she commanded.

"And none of this has anything to do with you wanting to one-up Harry becoming a DCI, huh?" asked Ron dubiously.

"Silence, minion – administer It!"

Ron saluted, then forced the bureaucrat's jaws open and pored a small measure of Veritaserum down his throat. Then rennervated him.

"Are you now or have you ever been a Death Eater?" demanded Dirty Hermione.

"No," Evermonde replied dully.

"Are you now or have you ever been a supporter or sympathiser of the Dark Lords Voldemort or Grindelwald?"

"No."

"Are you planning to become any of those things?"

"No."

"Good enough for me," Dirty Hermione said as Ron administered the counter-agent.

"H ... how?"

"Did I manage to get ahold of Veritaserum?" she asked. "Classified." Having a thermos full of Polyjuice and a purse full of Crouch's hairs was certainly a useful pair of tools.

"What's the big idea giving me truth potion?" Evermonde yelled once he fully regained his faculties. "I'll see you in Azkaban for this, Umbridge!"

"It's perfectly legal when used in a formal questioning by a properly-appointed SMI," she replied in a bored tone, ignoring the angry bureaucrat's spluttering. "Especially if you have a signed dispensation from the Minister directly authorising this course of action. Stebbins. I need you to bring him to me."

"You haven't answered my question!"

"We can talk about that later," said Dirty Hermione coldly. "Right now I need you to bring me Stebbins."

"But –"

"Save it for later."

"But –"

"Later. Stebbins. Now.

"Ye, Deputy Director," he grumbled mutinously.

"And tell him nothing about what happened here today. Him or anyone else. If you do, I'll know and I'll get angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"Yes, Deputy Director." The surly man left the room, slamming the door behind him.

"That went well," Ron said cheerily. "One down, several hundred to go. Time to celebrate!"

"Celebrate how?"

"With food of course!", reaching into his robe pocket to fish out a bag. He tore it open to reveal a mass of writhing black beetles as a sticky sweet smell permeated the air.

His girlfriend recoiled at the sight of the insects. "Is that what it's supposed to look like, or did bugs get into it?"

"S'what it's supposed to look like." Ron grabbed a handful of the writhing insects and crammed it into his mouth.

She shuddered in disgust.

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Aren't you the one who's always telling me I need to broaden my horizons, try new things, stop being so parochial, etc etc? Time to put your money where your mouth is … or put your mouth where your mouth is, to be more accurate."

"Hoist with my own petard," she grumbled, reluctantly grabbing one of the revolting, squirming creatures. Closing her eyes she went for broke and threw it in her mouth, chewing carefully. "Tastes like …" she trailed off, trying to find the right words to describe the mix of sweet, savoury, salty, and Other.

"Great, aint they? Sweet, smoked beetlenuts." Ron helped himself to another handful.

The door opened, and Evermonde returned, accompanied by one of their colleagues.

"Good afternoon ... Stebbins," she didn't smile at the large man. "Have a seat."

"What's this all about then?" The old paper-pusher looked around nervously.

"Drink what's in the glass," Dirty Hermione gestured vaguely to the glass of water on her desk. She didn't bother to look up from her notes.

"I have my rights!" Stebbins protested.

"If you don't drink, it you'll be fired and detained for questioning by the DMLE," she looked up. "If you do drink, you will be out of here in two minutes."

"Alright then," Stebbins downed the liquid.

"Are you a Death Eater?" she leaned forward.

"Yes," Stebbins nodded.

"Good, that's all I need ... give him the counter-agent."

A shocked Evermonde could only stare while the large blond lad let a few drops of potion into the other bureaucrat's mouth. "But why not ask him questions about Death Eater plans or ID other moles?" Evermonde protested.

"That's not part of my job as an SMI," Dirty Hermione yawned.

Stebbins blinked a couple times before he realised that he still had his wand. Drawing it slowly, he focused on the toad-woman. The Dark Lords would grant him a great reward for the death of Runcorn's murderer. "Die, blood-traitor!" Stebbins brought his wand up to bear. Right at the middle of her enormous forehead.

In a flash, Dirty Hermione's wand appeared in her hand. The first Cutting Curse took Stebbins across his wand hand, destroying the man's wand and removing several fingers. Ron's simultaneous curse from behind took the man across the back of the head, destroying one eye and half the man's nose. The Death Eater formerly known as Stebbins slumped to the ground.

"Cleanup!" she announced. A house elf appeared and immediately began mopping up the blood and gore. "Thankyou Twerky," she smiled kindly at the diligent creature. "Please give this note to the Auror Duty Officer and ask if he or she would come collect the corpse. Thankyou. Evermonde, bring in the next one!"

The afternoon quickly became routine. Dirty Hermione and her sidekick would question a person. If they were innocent, they would be released. But if they were a Death Eater or sympathiser, they frequently ended up going to the morgue. Those who did not were 'escorted' to the Duty Auror for processing by the DMLE.

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"Arthur, I need you to come with me."

Arthur looked up from his papers. "Andy? What can I do for you?"

"I need you to come with me Arthur," Auror Andy replied. "Dirty Hermione wants to talk to you."

"Dirty Hermione?"

"DD-DCRMC Umbridge. The Minister's Bloody Hand," Auror Andy explained. "Her personal assassin. Doing Merlin's own work. Or more accurately, doing Crouch's work for him. Don't know why the Director didn't do it himself – oh wait, yes I do, too many political complications abducting the scions of noble Houses in powerful Ministry positions for questioning without evidence."

"What would someone like that want with me?" Arthur asked in horror. And Umbridge had seemed such a kind, decent sort every time he'd met her.

"Arthur," Andy ignored his friend's question. "We've been friends how long?"

"Nearly 30 years," Arthur replied. "Andy?"

"Arthur, I don't think you're a Death Eater." Andy began slowly. "But if you are, don't pull your wand."

"Wha?"

"Just don't pull your wand," Andy repeated. "It's what she wants."

"Andy, I don't understand."

"Just don't pull your wand," Andy whispered one last time. "See you soon, Arthur." Arthur looked up to find that his friend had led him to a nondescript door with several Aurors milling around in front of it.

"You're next, Arthur," Scrimgeour said cheerfully.

"Rufus?" Arthur asked in shock, "What's going on?"

"I've seen more death in four hours then I have in half my career," Scrimgeour replied. "The DCRMC is plowing through its people like a hog through a truffle-farm. Dug out a nest of DE partisans hiding out in the DCRMC. Bunch of the lads from the DMLE decided to get in on the action, after the first few stiffs started turning up on the Duty Auror's desk. They're scouring the Ministry as we speak, dragging back anyone who doesn't seem to be doing anything useful for questioning.

"It's about time the rest of the Ministry matched the DMLE's internal screening processes," growled Thicknesse approvingly. "Life'd be far easier for us Aurors if we didn't have to constantly watch our backs for officials in other Departments stabbing us from behind or cutting off our backup's Floo access!"

"Even Director Crouch's come along for the spectacle," added Robards. "He's inside right now enjoying the show."

A rather dazed looking witch in thick glasses and violet robes staggered out of the room and made her way back to tiny hole-in-the-wall on the next level.

"That's another one clean. You can go in now, Arthur," said Scrimgeour.

Arthur nervously made his way through the crowd and through the door. "Dolores?"

"Hey Mr Weasley," Dirty Hermione said cheerfully. "How is everyone at the Manor?"

"They're well," Arthur replied. "Director Crouch?"

Bartemius Crouch turned from his surprisingly-casual slouch against the wall and gave the man an impertinent wink. "It's actually Gilderoy Lockhart in here," he confessed conspiratorially. "But don't tell the Aurors outside, eh?"

"Ah … okay. Do you know why I've been called here?"

"Just take a sip from the glass and I'll ask you one question," she ignored the man's question. "If the answer is no then you're free to go and maybe we can talk later."

"Fine," Arthur agreed. He took a sip and felt his mind turn to mush.

"Are you now or have you ever been a Death Eater?"

"No," Arthur replied.

"Great," Dirty Hermione said with a smile. "Give him the antidote."

"Dolores, what's –"

"We'll see you at the Manor later tonight. It's been forever since we've all had a communal dinner together, hasn't it?"

"… right. I'll tell Molly to set some extra places at the table …"

"Give her my regards. Cheerio!"

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"And that's the end of that chapter," Lily Luna announced, hefting the completed 'thing' in her hands. The long metal shaft which they'd found inside the once-buried wooden box had been successfully alchemically sealed to the head, which looked like four metallic spheres stuck together. The joining ritual had been long and complicated and worn through three elderly rune masters, and they'd had to steal another magic knife to get it done, but the 'thing' was finally whole once more, after all those centuries. Ready to do … whatever it was that it was supposed to do. She twirled it casually like a baton; it was surprisingly light for a hunk of metal double the length of her arm.

Why do you keep saying that? asked Ginny. It doesn't make any sense.

Just something I heard somewhere, Lily Luna replied breezily. So now that we've gone to all the trouble of making this 'thing', running up and down the length of Japan to do so, are we finally going to find out what the heck it is?

I suppose you deserve to know, after all of your efforts, The Voice conceded. It is an ancient and sacred weapon crafted by the kami themselves, called in its original tongue the Brahmashirshāstra. It was smuggled to Mahōnihon from India many centuries ago to hide it from warring factions. In the aftermath of the Great Mahābharat War on the plains of Kurukshetra, the kingdoms and clans of northern India fell to strife and civil unrest. According to the legend, a group of monks came into possession of this weapon and decided it was far too dangerous to stay in its native land; the risk of it falling into the hands of one the warlords, or worse, one of the roving bands of mercenaries, was unacceptable. So they brought it with them on their pilgrimage to Japan. One part was buried under the cherry tree in Hokkaido we saw earlier, and the head was thought lost until recently. Rumours have been swirling for some time that the man we robbed had somehow acquired it through shady intermediaries.

So what exactly can this Brahma Shastra thing do? inquired Ginny, eyeing it curiously.

According to those same legends, when activated, the four spheres of the headpiece manifest huge balls of fire and lightning. They can also summon lightning and thunder from the sky, and drop meteors upon one's foes. It is said that a single blast from the Brahmashirshāstra will so devastate the land that nothing will grow there for decades.

Far out, Lily Luna whistled in awe. Now I understand why that priest was so upset with us taking it. It sounds a bit like one of those muggle nuclear thingamabobs. No wonder you wanted to get your hands on it!

Yes, possession of this weapon will hopefully aid our war-effort considerably. Our opponents are numerous and powerful, we will need every advantage we can obtain.

Abruptly Ginny yawned. It's getting late, I can see the sun setting. Why don't we call it a night and get on to the next phase after we've rested a bit?

Your advice is prudent, The Voice agreed. That ritual took far more time than I expected. Only a fool goes into conflict unrested, if they know the time and place.

"You've been awfully quiet for a long time, kid," Tonks observed. "What are you lot pow-wowing about in there?"

"Just talking over our options," Ginny lied. "We want to crash in one of these hotels for the night," she gestured to one of Ōsaka's many fine establishments lining the street. "We can go battle it out with the bad guys in the morning. After all, that's what time turners are for!"

"And you happen to have one?"

"Sure do!" Ginny chirped, fingering the golden chain around her neck. "Never leave home without one!"

"You're a case. I'd ask how many illegal items you're carrying on your person, but I don't want to know! Alright, I'm in. Having a kip works for me," replied Nymphadora wearily. It'd be an unexpectedly trying day for the pinkette Auror. "Looks like my man isn't coming round to collect me anytime soon. Which hotel dya reckon?"

The others were in agreement. The gestalt meandered into the nearest random hotel, dragging an unresisting metamorphmagus by the arm.

"Rabu Hoteru," Lily Luna read the English portion of the sign. Looks like the right place.

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The old man behind the counter started, stared, rubbed his eyes, and stared again. It was rare to see gaijin frequent his love hotel. Unheard of to see two women do so together. But to see two gorgeous gaijin females strut in, arm in arm, requesting his largest, finest, most comfortable room … "H – How many hours?" he managed to croak. Here was another shock: how could these degenerate foreigners speak such flawless Japanese? They even spoke in perfect Kansai dialect with the correct accent too!

The two women looked at each other in confusion. "Uh, all night?" the shorter, redheaded one offered uncertainly.

"Maybe it's different in Asia, maybe you have to pay by the hour instead of the day?" the pink-haired, taller one replied.

"Yes, that is correct," muttered the man, mopping his forehead with his handkerchief. Did somebody turn up the thermostat?

"Okay then … it's after 6pm now. Let's say, until 9am tomorrow? That's 15 hours," declared the tall one. "Given everything that's happened, I feel like taking my time."

The proprietor feel as if his heart would burst! 15 hours … such stamina! It seemed his magazines were correct that females had no refractory period, the lucky wenches.

"Taking it slow and easy is best," agreed the short one. "Gotta get up our strength for the long, hard day tomorrow."

"You think we should call your little boyfriend in to join us on our secret mission?" the pinkette asked.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to bring Harry into my crazy situation just yet," the redhead sighed.

"You worry too much," the tall one reassured her. "He won't freak out or reject you; heck, what man alive could resist? It's two girls for the price of one! Well, three I guess, if you count The Voice."

The old man silently cursed this 'Harry' gaijin for his insanely unfair good luck.

"I'll pass for the moment," the short one replied dryly. "It's hard enough for me to deal with three other women simultaneously, let alone three plus Harry."

"Oh so you've had to 'deal with' me, have you?" the pinkette huffed challengingly, hands on hips. "That's a nice thing to say to your niece!"

Niece? Susano-o's beard! The man unconsciously patted the bald head of the small bronze statue on the counter to invoke the Buddha's salvific presence.

"I calls it like I sees it," the redhead smirked.

"Oh that's it, you're sooo getting a spanked botty in public, aunt or no!"

"Nevertheless, it's staying between the four of us girls only right now," the redhead said firmly. "There'll be plenty of time to bring Harry and all the others into it later, when there isn't so much pressure."

The proprietor grasped his heart, and valiantly avoided falling off his stool like a jackass.

"How much for 15 hours in the penthouse suite?"

"16,600 yen," he muttered, numbly accepting the wad of bills from the redhead. "The room is stocked with the usual equipment and supplies. Do you desire anything beyond the standard set?" The man knew he was going to regret asking, but it was hotel policy to ensure every guest had all of their needs met.

"Equipment? Supplies?" the puzzled redhead responded. "That's unnecessary, we brought our own."

She showed the proprietor a small golden candleholder and … sweet, shining Amaterasu! A long metallic shaft with four steel balls attached to the end! The toy was almost as long as the shorter one was tall! The girl twirled it back and forth with all the ease in the world, as if she'd had long practice wielding it …

What kinds of perversion were these two intending to get up to all night long? He shook his head. By all rights he should throw these two unregenerate hussies out of his establishment immediately. What they wanted to do was wrong, and sick, and shocking, and scandalous, and degenerate, and perverted, and obscene, and sacrilegious, and probably-not-even-physically-possible, and … and how could he get in on it?

Lily Luna was concerned by how pale and sweaty the elderly man behind the counter was becoming. Is that guy about to have a stroke? Should we summon the muggle healers?

Ignore him, The Voice ordered disdainfully. He is merely a typical male specimen; foolish and perverted. Let us be on our way.

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"Only one bed? I thought this was the penthouse suite?" Lily Luna complained.

"There's an awful lot of lube stocked in here," Tonks observed, rifling through the bathroom cabinet.

"And every table has a bowl full of condoms on it," Ginny added. "Guess we know what he meant by 'supplies' then."

"I always heard muggles used their hotels for hanky-panky, but I had no idea how deep or organised it all went," the pinkette mused. "What an over-randy bunch muggles are; must be all that pent-up energy from not using magic. You'd get thrown out the Leaky Cauldron in a heartbeat for even inquiring after some of this stuff."

"I'm a bit more concerned with all the animal motifs," Ginny opined, pointing queasily to the many, many, Hello Kitty stuffed toys that littered the room. The fluffy white kittens were wearing black teddies or leather harnesses, and carrying little felt whips in their adorable paws. The giant kitty picture on the king-sized bed's blanket looked like it was leering at her. "Just what are these perverted muggles into?"

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The proprietor sat behind his bank of security monitors, observing one of the screens with rare attention. He knew this was a bad idea. He knew that it violated several privacy laws and the Hoteliers' Association Code of Conduct. He knew that if he were found out, he'd lose most of his client base and be vilified in the press and by his peers. He knew that if his wife discovered what he was doing, she'd kill him both figuratively and literally. But he couldn't help himself, he just had to know.

On the screen, the smaller gaijin was now unloading her equipment onto the table and floor. The man couldn't help but be curious about what other supplies the foreign duo had brought with them. Oddly-designed robe, kimono, gloves, boots, giant metallic toy, candleholder, a strange pouch … several long, pointy wooden sticks … some sharp shards of stone … a wickedly-sharp dagger covered in what looked like dried green blood …

The man abruptly switched off the screen. Nope, he'd changed his mind. He absolutely, definitely did not want to know anything more about what was going on.

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"Calm down, dodi," Carmen Zabini murmured, "else you'll crash the car into one of these trees. I think we broke the lightspeed barrier some time after crossing the border."

Said trees were speeding by the windows so fast they were naught but vague green blurs.

"It is of no matter if we crash," Eleazar Sanguini replied tightly, eyes fixed firmly ahead on the road. His knuckles were whiter than their usual pallor from the crushing grip he had on the steering wheel. The poor circle of metal already sported deep grooves from his finger clenching, and it looked more like a Christmas wreath than circular.

"It will matter as we'd have to walk the rest of the way there, and then the rest of way back to Alaska," his wife replied, slightly testily. "You may be able to outrun an automobile over short distances, but I'd like to see you make better time over 1000 miles – with me on your back, for I shall certainly not be walking the distance!"

"She's right, Eleazar," Kate piped up from the back seat. "Is it really worth losing our transport so you can find out what's going on 15 seconds earlier?"

"Slow down," Tanya agreed. "If it were a matter of extreme urgency, Carlisle would have mentioned it in his letter."

Eleazar grumbled under his breath, but couldn't directly challenge his 'mother', not on such a minor matter, and not when the rest of the Denali coven agreed with her. He reluctantly slowed the vehicle noticeably. Now the trees were rapid flashes of green that shot by, instead of a continuous green blur. The car moved quickly through the woods, faster than any human could possibly handle it over such a winding and forested alpine road. Eventually they spotted their destination, a monstrous mansion set into the top of the lonely hill, overlooking a large green meadow. Eleazar pulled into the meadow and stopped by the front porch. He was already out of the door before the car was fully stationary. The other three vampires swiftly followed suit. The immortals didn't speak as they approached the door, which opened before they could knock.

"Edward!" Tanya smiled happily at the skinny, pale-faced youth who awaited them. The child was looking awfully grim, which wasn't a good sign.

"Hello, Tanya. Kate, Eleazar, Carmen."

All five immortal undead made their perfunctory greetings. An air of tenseness and suspicion pervaded the atmosphere.

"Carlisle said he needed to talk to us right away," Tanya began bluntly. "What's the problem? Trouble with the werewolves?" Kate and Carmen flexed their muscles threateningly.

"No," the Cullen boy replied. "Our truce with the werewolves is stronger than ever."

Tanya chuckled, the sheer absurdity of this 'truce' with a group of unreliable, untrustworthy and bestial animagi never failed to amuse her sensibilities. "Aren't you going to invite us in? Where's Carlisle?"

"Carlisle had to leave."

That was a surprise. The four members of the Denali coven shared a glance. Why on earth would Carlisle summon them here on such short notice if he wasn't even going to have the politeness to actually be present? "What's going on, Edward?" she demanded.

"If you could give me the benefit of the doubt for just a few minutes, I have something difficult to explain, and I'll need you to be open-minded until you understand."

"Is Carlisle all right?" Eleazar couldn't restrain his worry any longer. The absence of the rest of the Cullen kin was very unnerving.

"None of us is all right, Eleazar," the Cullen replied, reaching out to grip the Spaniard's arm. "But physically, Carlisle is fine."

"Physically?" the Denali matriarch demanded suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that my entire family is in very grave danger. But before I explain, I ask for your promise. Listen to everything I say before you react. I am begging you to hear me out."

That was even more ominous. The four Kindred unconsciously shifted into a defensive formation. Carmen began scanning the surrounding forest rapidly. Kate did the same for the house, vampiric senses on high alert.

"We're listening. We will hear it all before we judge," Tanya decided.

"Thank you, Tanya, we wouldn't involve you in this if we had any other choice." Edward turned and led them into the mansion.

"I knew those werewolves were involved," Tanya sniffed, smelling the air delicately.

"Yes, and they're on our side. Again."

"Where's your Bella?" Carmen piped up suddenly. "How is she?"

"She'll join us shortly. She's well, thank you. She's taken to immortality with amazing finesse."

"Tell us about the danger, Edward," Tanya broke in impatiently, uninterested in social niceties after trekking across half of the east coast of the Americas at lightning speed to get here. "We'll listen, and we'll be on your side, where we belong."

Edward took a deep breath. "I'd like you to witness for yourselves first. Listen — in the

other room. What do you hear?"

Eleazar immediately moved forward, but was blocked by Edward standing in the doorway. "Just listen first, please."

"A werewolf, I assume. I can hear his heart," mother commented dryly.

"What else?"

"What is that thrumming?" Kate inquired, ears twitching and swivelling like a cat's. "Is that ... some kind of a bird?"

"No, but remember what you're hearing. Now, what do you smell? Besides the werewolf."

"Is there a human here?" Eleazar muttered, senses straining to identify the lifeform in the next room.

"No," Tanya stated firmly. "It's not human … but ... closer to human than the rest of the scents here. What is that, Edward? I don't think I've ever smelled that fragrance before."

"You most certainly have not, Tanya. Please, please remember that this is something entirely new to you. Throw away your preconceived notions."

"I promised you I would listen, Edward."

"All right, then. Bella? Bring out Renesmee, please."

Eleazar recognised Edward's wife and the werewolf animagus guarding her rear from her and Edward's wedding several months back. But within her arms … oh sweet Cid! A vampire child! These meshuggene morons have had the unbelievable chutzpah to sire a vampire baby, the most forbidden of all forbidden acts! Eleazar sprang backwards a good three feet and took a defensive stance, vaguely aware that the other members of his family had done the same. Carmen was right beside him as always, and he immediately slipped in front of his wife as a vampiric bodyshield. Braced himself for the vile berserker's inevitable attack and orgy of blood-violence …

"Oh please," the werewolf snorted, folding his burly, hairy arms in contempt.

Edward put his arm protectively around Bella. "You promised to listen," he chided sharply.

"Some things cannot be heard! How could you, Edward? Do you not know what this means?"

Eleazar nodded in full agreement with his vampiric mother.

"We have to get out of here," Kate urged, inching gradually back towards the front door.

"Edward ..." Eleazar couldn't seem to find the correct words to describe what in Lolth's name was spinning through his undead mind.

"Wait!" the Cullen snapped. "Remember what you hear, what you smell. Renesmee is not what you think she is!"

"There are no exceptions to this rule, Edward," Tanya growled stepping forward. Kate and Eleazar swiftly moved to cover her flanks. She was right: the two foundational, unalterable laws of the Kindred were, never expose yourself or your kind to mundanes, and never, ever turn a child. Carmen held herself close, moulding her svelte frame firmly to his back, left hand gripping his waist in what on a human would have been of bone-crushing pressure. Her head peeked over his shoulder, taking in everything.

"Tanya, you can hear her heartbeat! Stop and think about what that means."

"Her heartbeat?" his wife whispered in his ear.

"She's not a full vampire child," Edward insisted. He turned to face Eleazar and Camen imploringly. "She's half-human. Hear me: Renesmee is one of a kind. I am her father. Not her creator — her biological father."

This was absolutely insane. Never in Eleazar's 300 years in the Olam ha-Zeh had he ever heard something so profoundly ridiculous. There had to be another angle to all this. Where was Carlisle? What the hell kind of game were the Cullens playing? "Edward, you can't expect us to —"

"Tell me another explanation that fits, Eleazar! You can feel the warmth of her body in

the air. Blood runs in her veins, Eleazar. You can smell it!"

"How!?" Kate demanded.

"Bella is her biological mother. She conceived, carried, and gave birth to Renesmee while she was still human. It nearly killed her. I was hard-pressed to get enough venom into her heart to save her."

"I've never heard of such a thing," Eleazar shook his head firmly. What this loco trio was suggesting was impossible.

"Physical relationships between vampires and humans are not common. Human survivors of such trysts are even less common. Wouldn't you agree, cousins? Come now, Eleazar. Surely you can see the resemblance ..."

Carmen Zabini abruptly detached herself from her husband's back and slipped around him. Eleazar made a half-hearted attempt to grab her waist, hold her back from that … abomination, but she was too quick. In a flash, she was in front of It.

"You seem to have your mother's eyes, but your father's face," Carmen agreed.

"Do you mind if Renesmee tells you about it herself? She has a gift for explaining things." Cullen's black-haired waif-of-a-spouse spoke for the first time. Bella Swan. How in the name of the Cid was she able to carry such a being to term?

"Do you speak, little one?" Carmen smiled at It.

"Yes, but I can show you more than I can tell you," It spoke in a chilling, high-pitched voice, nestled in Bella's icy arms.

It can speak, even as an infant! Eleazar had to repress the shudders he could feel rippling through his body. It was like listening to sharp claws rake against glass. Eleazar could only watch in horror as It placed a tiny hand onto his wife's face, watch her sudden flinch. Faster than the thought could form he was beside Carmen, hands gripping her shoulders, ready to drag her out into the meadow, far far from this abominable monstrosity!

"Wait!" his wife commanded, and Eleazar found himself freezing unconsciously. Carmen was always devilishly hard to say no to when she used that tone.

"What's Nessie showing her?" the werewolf – Jacob something or other, Eleazar vaguely remembered – interjected.

Nessie, thought Eleazar, a most appropriate name for a terrifying Monster.

"Everything," Edward answered, though he didn't elaborate on what in blazes he meant by that!

"She really is your daughter, isn't she?" Carmen suddenly said, as the two broke skin contact. "Such a vivid gift! It could only have come from a very gifted father."

"Do you believe what she showed you?"

"Without a doubt," Carmen replied to the child's father.

"Carmen!" Eleazar snapped, urging her desperately to flee with him; they needed to get distance from all this – a couple hundred miles should do the trick! Then they could plan and work out what the hell could be done to salvage this balagan.

But his wife gainsaid him implacably. Taking his cold hands into her similarly icy ones, Carmen looked into his yellow eyes and insisted, "Impossible as it seems, Edward has told you nothing but truth. Let the child show you." She used her grip to pull her husband by the hands over to It. The wooden floorboards screamed in protest as his locked legs tore and scratched through them as his wife firmly dragged him forward against his will. "Show him, mi querida."

The Thing reached out and poked Eleazar on the forehead, unleashing a torrent of images directly into his mind. "Ay caray!" he leaped backwards to break contact, head whirling from all the new information that spun and wheeling crazily through his thoughts.

"What did she do to you?" Tanya bellowed, by his side in an instant, holding him up while he staggered dizzily.

"She's just trying to show you her side of the story," Carmen whispered to him. She reached out and dragged him back before The Thing.

"Watch, please," It huffed in its terrifying high voice, and held out her hand once more.

Eleazar threw another desperate, quizzical glance to his wife who moved her hands in the all-clear signal. In for a knut, in for a galleon, I suppose, he sighed ruefully to himself. Never can say no to the señora. That mamacita is going to be the death and eternal damnation in gehenna of me one of these decades! He drew a deep, steadying breath and allowed the abomination to touch him once more. And his mind exploded into a whorl of colours, thoughts and images.

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˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~

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Professor Kikyō, Headmistress of Mahōtokoro, led her charges out of their audience with the Shōwa-Emperor-in-Council in a daze. "Well," she muttered, "that was certainly … unusual."

"Unusual? How in the name of Orochi's eight heads did the Emperor know who you were?!" her number one student and crown jewel of Mahōtokoro Hi-no-Kagutsuchi Naho pouted fiercely.

"Don't let it worry you. It's me, I'm extremely famous," Peter Pettigrew the Lord of House Malfoy and the Emperor's newest daimyō jibed.

"For what? What could you possibly have done to have brought yourself so prominently to the Emperor's notice? You've never been to Nihon before have you?" Naho demanded.

"Ahhh no idea. And no, I've never been to Japan before," Pettigrew shrugged, nose twitching in a very mouse-like manner.

"It must have been something – the Emperor does not just award honorary daimyō rank and then offer the hand of his granddaughter, the only daughter of the Crown Prince, to a complete stranger! Even more so a gaijin who has been in Nihon for no more than a few days!" Kikyō's favourite student paced around in agitation.

"And why not?" demanded Lily Luna. "Peter's pretty awesome all around!"

"Thanks Elle. In any case, I wasn't the only one honoured – I think congratulations are in order to Naho, for being invested as the Emperor's formal representative to the wild regions. And we all received formal authorisation as resident foreigners. How about a cup of sake to cheers our success?"

"I don't think you understand," Kikyō shook her head firmly. "This is absolutely unprecedented. For the Emperor to invest you as a daimyō is unusual in the extreme, but explainable since you are already a lord of similar rank in your own country. But for him to offer you Nori-no-miya Sayako Naishinnō as a bride … one would think that the Shōwa Emperor owed you a Life Debt or some such similar obligation! That is the only reason I can think of, unless he wishes to establish a formal blood-alliance with your House."

Kikyō tuned out the children's squabbling in favour of some pacing (i.e., floating) back and forth of her own. There were factors at work he that she didn't understand, currents that were hidden to her. If there was one thing the 1000-year old ghost hated besides evildoers, it was being bewildered by something. Her furious thinking was interrupted as she felt the Palace's wards shudder. That was … most unusual. They trembled again, harder. There was no doubt about it, the wards were definitely under assault from without.

She dematerialised and reappeared on top of the highest point of the highest rooftop of the highest pagoda of the palace, daintily balancing on one foot on the tip of the spire. Her sharp eyes scanned the horizon, taking in the hordes of white-skinned enemies that surrounded the palace complex on all four sides. She watched in horror as the mighty imperial wards, the product of generation upon generation of the finest wardsmiths, trembled and disintegrated in front of her undead eyes. Worse was to come. The high stone walls that protected them exploded in two dozen places simultaneously, and hordes of pale, human-like creatures swarmed into the palace complex, ripping through stone and wood as if they were rice paper. The guards, mundane and magical were quickly overwhelmed. With triumphant cries, the fell beasts raced towards Kyōto Palace, and the Magical Council.

Kikyō teleported back to the room she had just left. "The walls have been breached! Kyōto Palace is under attack!" she informed the children.

"Our foes are mighty indeed to have been able to breach imperial wards of such power!" Naho growled in reply, staring out the window.

"I will go find the Emperor." Kikyō instructed her charges, "Arm yourselves – we must protect the Magical Council!" She disappeared once more, transporting herself into the Emperor's throne room that their party had vacated not 15 minutes beforehand.

"Your Majesty?!" she called loudly. The room appeared deserted.

"They already left, Your High Headmistressness," piped an irreverent voice.

Whirling around, the ancient ghost realised shed' been mistaken: the room was almost deserted. Behind her, sprawled blasphemously out over the Throne of Amaterasu lay a tall, athletic woman whose hair was styled into sharp, pink spikes. The gaijin woman saluted insouciantly.

"You don't need to worry about the Grand Poobah, Pettigrew and his cronies have already taken care of your Mikado," the woman drawled.

Kikyō's eyebrow raised. The boy and his friends were mere children, even by mortal standards, and hadn't even left their room when the assault started. She'd had to give them all a verbal kick to even get them moving in the first place!

"I would've come to find you sooner, but we had to wait for the wards to collapse before we could apparate around the Palace."

"Is that so?" she asked skeptically. She was about to disappear to continue her search when the witch forestalled her.

"Figured you wouldn't take my word for it, so a friend of mine put ink to parchment this morning and wrote you out a message explaining everything that's going on." She withdrew the scroll from her kimono and brandished it proudly.

"Give me the short summation," Kikyō said flatly.

"No can do, neither I nor my friend can understand kanji." She tossed the scroll to ghost, who caught it effortlessly with one hand, not once breaking their locked gaze.

"Then how did your friend compose this missive in the first place?"

"Just read the scroll, it explains everything," the woman insisted.

Although she was anxious to be on her way, Kikyō decided to humour this interloper for a moment. The message might actually be relevant. Or it could be an extremely tasteless and poorly-timed practical joke. Unrolling the scroll, she scanned it at high speed. Froze. Returned to the beginning and began reading the halting, uncertain calligraphy again, very carefully.

Gotcha! thought Nymphadora triumphantly. Damn I'm good! Convincing The Voice to use Lily Luna's hands to write out the entire affair in formal kanji was one of the metamorphmagus' more inspired ideas, she felt. Made explanations of all their adventures today (Merlin, was it really still just the same day?) so much faster and easier for all concerned. Plus The Voice had added all sorts of useful information and background detail to prove the veracity of the scroll's contents. At least, Tonks hoped so.

The scroll was very long and covered in tiny kanji, but the ghost speed-read with phenomenal speed. After her fifth reading, the tall Japanese Professor nodded firmly, placed the scroll into her pocket and announced, "I understand. Miss Tonks, I will assist you and Miss Potter in carrying out your mission. Let us away – where to first?"

"Can you follow my apparition trail?"

"Yes."

"Then up, up and away!" With a pop! Nymphadora apparated to the large changing room that held the party's belongings. She quickly led Kikyō into Harry's bag of holding. "Don't mind the Dementors," she said apologetically, as they hurried down a high-vaulted corridor. "They're on our side … for the moment, anyway."

Kikyō's flawless face twisted into a sneer of disgust at the herd of floating Nazgûl. "Why are you consorting with demons, little human? Such will only bring you suffering and ruin."

"Not my idea," shrugged the metamorphmagus. "You can vanquish every man-jack of them if you want, no skin off my perfect button nose. Kiddo! We're here, find anything good!?"

"Better than good," Ginny's voice declared from behind a door. Entering, the pair could see the Scarlet-haired Witch(es) leaning over the head on an enormous orange stone golem, a fierce grin on her face as she waved her wand in complex sequences. "I've found Robbie the Robot. Merlin bless you, Hermione, I know that this is somehow your doing!"

"What is that monster?" asked Kikyō.

"Only the pride and joy of the British Auror Academy," Tonks breathed, eyes wide. "How in Mordred's name did you lot get ahold of him?"

Ginny shrugged. "Dunno, don't care. Help me activate him! Harry only gave me the bare bones about this thing's operating system. We don't have long before the others arrive."

Tonks knelt down next to the girl and helped her to charge the correct runic code sequence to turn the beast on. With a sudden shudder, the orange humanoid opened its eyes which began to glow with an ominous yellow light.

"Okay, Robbie: freeform mode, no set training program or fighting style. Full improvisation. Obey all commands from myself and the two women next to me, nobody else for the duration of the session. Do you understand?" Tonks crossed her fingers internally, as the giant head swivelled to regard her.

After a moment of silent consideration, *Robbie understands. Instructions accepted.* It replied in a deep, low growl.

Tonks sighed in relief. "Follow us! To the field of battle!"

The golem rumbled in assent, and slowly got to its feet. Standing at full height, it was three times Nymphadora's six-foot-two-inches.

"What's that?" Ginny cocked her head to the side, listening to sounds no-one else could hear. "Well, if you're sure …" The girl withdrew the Jikan o Rōhi Suru ka no Kyandoruhorudā and blew on it. The candle ignited in mysterious blue flames.

Kikyō gasped at the sight of the ancient and powerful shintai, then caught herself. "I suppose I should not be surprised, considering," she murmured to herself.

The crimson-haired witch carried the candleholder over to the golem. "Bend down, Robbie," she instructed. When the creature's head was at roughly head-height for the girl, she held up the candle and blew out the flame. The purple wisps of smoke surrounded Robbie's head, before absorbing into its rocky orange skin. There was silence for a moment.

"Did it work?" Ginny asked tentatively.

Robbie slowly straightened. Its eye-colour was morphing from a hard yellow to a cold, ethereal blue blaze. Slowly it began to pivot its head, stretch its arms this way and that, and march on the spot.

*Yes. I have successfully achieved control.* Robbie sounded a lot more feminine than before. *Speed and dexterity will improve with practice. Now let us away.*

"Good – you'd better take this; I don't think anyone more fragile than you wants to be anywhere near The Weapon," commented Ginny, passing the Brahmashirshāstra into its huge orange hand. "You're the only one who even knows how to turn the 'On' switch on!"

"Ah yes, now I understand," Kikyō asserted, as the foursome ran to the entrance of the bag and back out into the changing room. "Ingenious."

"Then could you explain it to me?" demanded Tonks. "What the hell happened to Robbie? He sounds like Hestia Jones! And his eyes were never blue!"

"Spirits and kami have the ability to possess living beings and the undead who still carry souls," the Professor explained. They passed clusters of panicking officials, who scattered out of the group's way as they hurried by. Having an 18-foot orange behemoth running along behind them may have had something to do with it. "What is less well-known is that these disembodied entities can also control artefacts that have been enchanted to be able to think and act autonomously. For example, magic mirrors, animated statues, guardian suits of armour …"

"… and golems!" Tonks finished.

"Only high-performance golems such as your Robbie here; mindless brutes that are summoned or bent quickly or sloppily would not have sufficient cognitive abilities to provide enough of a handhold (or rather, mindhold) for the possessor," Kikyō corrected.

The four burst out of the main palace entrance and into the gardens. Gardens that were swarming with the undead.

*I shall go first!* growled Robbie the Robot. *Stay behind me and in my wake!*

"It's clobberin' time!" agreed Tonks boisterously.

True to its word, The Wrecking Ball launched its orange body forward, blindingly fast for such a lumbering hulk of stone and metal. Uncounted numbers of the Inferii scattered or fell before the orange freight-train like bowling pins. Tonks and Lily Luna/Ginny sprinted into the hole in the enemy ranks that it had opened up; panting, they had great trouble matching its pace. Kikyō floated serenely in the rear, driving off any stragglers who tried to flank the golem and pick off the two humans. The Headmistress punched, kicked and threw all-comers aside, smashing through them with inhuman strength.

"Where … are we … going?" panted Lily Luna.

"Anywhere … but right in the middle … of these things … would be good," gasped Tonks. She swung her wand up and banished a half-dozen of the closest zombies.

*We go to take out the command post!* Robbie boomed. *Leaderless, these walking dead will be easy pickings!*

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˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~

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Bellatrix Black looked down from her high point to survey the scenes of war below her. As far as the eye could see, the defenders were falling back into disarray, and the protective barriers collapsed in the onrush of white zombie death at her command. She threw her head back and cackled with every burning fibre of her fiery, Valkyrie soul.

"A word of caution, young Black," one of her allies warned. "One who fights a battle should never celebrate until after they have removed their armour. In every conflict, no matter how minor, no matter how close victory appears to be, there are always some factors that you cannot account for. These are the unexpected twists of fate that you must be ever-ready to adapt to."

Bellatrix eyed her two colleagues, clad in black robes with bold red cloud symbols emblazoned over them. One of whom resembled a bodybuilder who'd become stuck halfway through a human-to-shark self-transfiguration. Blue skin, sharklike grin plastered on his chiselled face, blank empty fisheyes, a series of gills down his cheeks and neck. Spines and sharp scales on every bit of visible flesh. In his hand he clutched an enormous sword wrapped tightly in white bandages. Hoshigaki Kisame, the Monster of the Hidden Mist, the Tailless Tailed Bijū, one of the former Seven Swordsmen, one of the Akatsuki elite. The shark-man's assistant was far more normal-looking. A shock of spiky greying black hair, and sporting a stylish orange mask with a whirlpool-spiral motif. The only other feature of the mask being a single, right eye-hole revealing a glowing red-and-black pupil. A dogsbody referred to only as 'Tobi'.

They'd had little time to talk in the weeks since she'd arrived in the wild regions. Too many preparations to make, too much training to do. These Akatsuki elite were always cloistered away, plotting with the Dark Lords Voldemort and Grindelwald. She knew these strange wizards performed their magic entirely wandlessly, a mind-bending concept for the pureblood scion of Black. Instead every spell was done through incantations and hand-seals, weird hand gestures that stimulated one's magical core to do one's bidding. Bellatrix was desperately keen to learn these techniques; once mastered, she'd never be helpless without a wand again!

The garrison of Inferii bodyguards raised a cry of alarm, before the forward contingent exploded in all directions as a powerful Blasting Curse shredded the white creatures. Rocks and flesh fell in all directions.

"What in Merlin's name was that!?" she shrieked.

"That would be the factor we could not account for," Tobi said dryly. "And right on time, too."

Bellatrix's adrenaline kicked in, fire and excitement pumped through her arteries. Wand in hand, she advanced on the gaping hole in their lines left by the fleeing, useless white zombies. Bellowing her battle cry, she leaped forward, wand outstretched –

– and was backhanded 30 feet by a giant orange blur. "Ooofff!" Her back slammed into a tree. The world swirled and swum and whirled around her.

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˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~ . ˂:3 )~~~~

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Robbie the Robot plowed through Bellatrix as if she were a mildly irritating blade of crab-grass. The next second, the Auror-training golem was 20 feet forward and launching a mighty haymaker into the shark-ninja's face. Which was countered by an equally mighty block from Kisame's greatsword. The ground seemed to shudder at the force of the impact.

Tonks and Ginny/Lily Luna followed the trail of carnage to the scene. Tonks was the first to recover her breath, being well used to heavy cardio sessions. Her wand flicked up and transfigured the surrounding corpses into two dire-wolves and two vultures. The four creatures hurled themselves at the ninja in the orange mask, snarling and snapping viciously.

To the Auror's shock, the transfigured animals passed straight through their opponent and out the other side as if he weren't even there. Braying in confusion, the four animals reversed their tracks and tried again, to similar results. Ginny's Flammasectum likewise went through the Akatsuki's body like mist.

"Is this guy an illusion?" Ginny demanded.

Her question that was answered in the negative a second later, as Tobi's fist slammed into her gut. At the same moment, his foot struck Tonks' skull. The two magical girls tumbled backwards into dizzy heaps.

Shaking off her pounding headache, Tonks sprang to her feet and brought her wand to bear on the orange-masked ninja. "Mother always said I was hardheaded," she quipped grimly. "So you can shrug off transfigurations and elemental attacks, can you? Let's see how you handle pure magical offensives!" Her wand pirouetted and pliéed. A mist of thousands of silver snowflakes poured out of its tip.

Tobi hastily backed away from the loose cloud of threatening energies. The two beasts and two birds fell upon him again, third time was a charm right? Unfortunately they were again unable to gain purchase, every bite and slash slipping unresistingly through his flesh like a phantom. With four brisk slashes of his dagger, Tobi reduced the transfigured creatures back to their constituent components. He leaped forward knifepoint-first to do likewise to Tonks' tender flesh.

Right into Kikyō's fist. The ghost returned to visibility half a foot in front of the metamorphmagus. Surprising Tonks, the Headmistress's haymaker did not pass harmlessly through the ninja's body, but impacted his face with the force of a freight-train. With a howl of agony, the man was hurled back head-first into the nearest boulder, which shattered upon impact.

A bow and arrow materialised in the ancient ghost's hands. She fired arrow after arrow at her downed foe, the arrowheads glowing with an eerie purple luminescence. Tobi ducked and dodged and weaved around the missiles. Once she'd run through the last of her arsenal in her quiver, the ninja leaped into the air and flew directly at the hovering Professor. The two floating adversaries thrust and parried with fist and dagger, ascending high above the treetops.

"Incendio!"

Without looking, Tobi dodged the fireball Nymphadora had special-delivered to his head. But the momentary distraction allowed Kikyō to get the drop on him. With blinding speed the ghost immobilised the shinobi, one hand clenched around his throat, the other crushing his right wrist, forcing him to drop his kunai blade.

His single eye widened at the necromantic vortex swirling around this being. Then it narrowed, and his red eye began to glow with chakra. Strange, arcane shapes danced within. The two opponents stared into each others' eyes for a long minute, red against black.

"You seek to control me," Kikyō sneered. "I am no weak-minded spirit that your bloodline magics can possess, I existed long before your ancestors first picked up a kunai ..." She grunted. "You cannot flee from my grip; your timespace jutsus are useless against me, little mortal!"

Tobi responded by slapping his free hand onto her chest, sticking there a half-dozen pieces of parchment with kanji scrawled over them. The ghost's eyes widened. A second later, the parchments detonated, hiding both from view as a black cloud of smoke blew outwards from the impact point. The shockwave knocked the four other combatants to the ground. A flock of leaves kicked up into the air.

Tobi reappeared 50 feet away. He threw away the charred ashes of his Akatsuki robe, but seemed otherwise unaffected by the explosion. The Professor, on the other hand, dropped to the ground like a stone. The huge gaping hole in her torso quickly refilled itself with ectoplasm, but her entire left arm and shoulder were missing, blown clean off. She regained her footing, panting with the exertion, grimacing in pain. Pressing his advantage, the orange-masked figure pounced on her from on high. "My turn!" he snarled, landing a direct kick into her sternum. The Headmistress was hurled away into the trees and out of sight.

While the two flyers duked it out in the air above them, Lily Luna/Ginny groaned and returned to the world of the living. Quickly making her way to the pinkette's side, she said, "I'm going after the fish-thing!"

She ran towards Kisame, Tonks half-a-step behind. The Akatsuki was engaged in the world's strangest bout of fisticuffs with the Auror-bot. The blue and orange blurs repeatedly threw themselves against each other.

The ninja's sword parried a blow that would take off a mundane's head, then twisted with serpentine grace to slam into Robbie's side, the force knocking the golem back. With a dismayed growl, The Wrecking Ball lost its footing and rolled backwards.

"Morgana, those two are fast!" Lily Luna gasped.

"My sword is fast," Kisame agreed, turning to face the two witches, "and hungry! What a hungry little sword you are, Samehada!"

Robbie was up again in a flash, stepping protectively between the Akatsuki and the girls.

This guy looks like a partial shark self-transfiguration; like Victor Krum's form during the Second Task of the Triwizard Tournament, Ginny analysed.

You'll have to tell me all about it sometime, Lily Luna replied.

Beaming his sharklike grin, The Monster of the Hidden Mist carefully and deliberately removed the white bandages from his blade. Ginny/Lily Luna gasped. The sword was like none they'd ever seen: a mass of sharp blue scales that shivered and pulsed and raised and lowered and rattled. Instead of tapering into a sharp point, it expanded into a large, drooling mouth that grinned the same sharklike grin as its master. Samehada gave a half-moan half-sigh and stretched its scales.

"There! Now we can play properly. Suiton – daibakusui shōha! Water jutsu – colliding wave explosion attack!"

A tidal wave of conjured seawater washed over them. The golem was immovable in the face of the onslaught, but the two witches were not so implacable. Spluttering, Ginny and Tonks were washed away in the flood.

Après moi, le déluge! Lily Luna thought sourly, as their face broke the surface and gulped down sweet, life-giving air.

What's that? asked Ginny.

Not important! What is important is that this grindylow's-goitre is a water bender! cried Lily Luna. Guess that explains his transfiguration. The girls cast the Bubble-Head Charm on themselves.

How is this guy able to conjure up so much water? It's like a million aquamentis at once!

10 to 1 this is one of those Merlin-be-damned S-class ninjas Professor Maniaku was telling us about! Of all the rotten luck …

"Suiton – suikōdan no jutsu! Water jutsu – water shark missile attack!"

The water churned, and suddenly was filled with clear liquid-sharks. Their jaws snapped hungrily as they swam for the witches.

"Eeeek! Levicorpus!"

Lily Luna felt something seize her ankle, and the next moment they were airborne. Arms flailing wildly, the girls landed hard in the top of a tree, branches bending and breaking around them.

What happened? asked a dazed Lily Luna. Another splash, and a heavy wet shape landed on top of them. "Oof!"

Shoving the sodden body off her, Ginny discovered a dishevelled and ashen-faced Nymphadora, her usual pink mane now a sickly greeny-grey colour.

"Sharks," Tonks muttered in a shaken tone, "why'd it have to be Great White Sharks?"

Robbie had not been unmindful of their plight. The golem tore the nearest tree out of the ground (that didn't contain witches), roots and all, and used it to club the shinobi into the mud like a hammer driving in a nail. The shark transfigurations immediately dissipated, and the rushing waters began to drain away.

With a great splash, Kisame appeared on the opposite side of the clearing, his ever-present grin plastered over his blue face. "You are indeed persistent foes, yet you cannot win!" the shark-ninja crowed, his pointy teeth snapping in fierce joy. "Samehada and I are as one! We get stronger in direct proportion to how strong our opponent is. We don't get tired, we can't be defeated. The longer the battle goes on the more worn down you get; but the more worn down you get, the stronger it makes me! Samehada absorbs all chakra and invigorates me with it. That's why they call me the Tailless Tailed Bijū!"

*So physical attacks only then,* drawled Robbie, as it took a boxing stance.

The two combatants danced around each other, jabbing, uppercutting and kicking in a blur of motion too fast for the mundane eye to follow. It was quickly clear they were stalemated. Kisame's claws and greatsword bounced off the golem's orange hide, sparks flying, and Kisame's reinforced blue skin shrugged off the golem's blows like water droplets. Samehada struck and bit viciously at Robbie, but could not consume the magics powering the behemoth, locked far beneath its stone exoskeleton.

A new approach was clearly needed. Springing away, The Wrecking Ball reached down to its utility belt and extracted the Brahmashirshāstra, pointing the head directly at the fishlike creature.

"You wish to test my words?!" Kisame bellowed in glee. "Come for me then! Samehada will absorb every single drop of your weapon's chakra! And then your own." Taking a solid stance, legs wide, knees bent, feet firmly planted, the shark-wizard pointed his sword at Robbie and braced himself. "Usually Samehada doesn't get so excited, your pretty toy must be exceptional," the ninja grinned. He licked his lips with a long indigo tongue. The sword pulsed and chittered eagerly. "Killing you will be fun."

They made an odd pair, facing each other head on from opposite sides of the plateau and pointing their respective weapons directly at the other. An Old West-style showdown between a seven-foot tall half-man half-shark, and an 18-foot tall stone orange thing.

Robbie the Robot chanted strings of indecipherable arcane syllables. The Brahmashirshāstra began to glow with an ominous, eldritch red glow. The four spheres of its head morphed into four heads, whose eyes and mouths slowly opened. Eight eyes and four wide mouths zeroed in on Kisame and his Samehada. The air hummed with power. With a deafening peal of thunder, balls of fire exploded from the headpiece, followed by a long torrent of white-hot flame that twisted and turned and poured inexorably towards Kisame.

The wall of magic slammed into the sword. Samehada's wide, toothy mouth opened and began gulping down the magics with gusto. The chakra flowed through it, down its handle and into its master. Both ninja and sword began to glow with a deep red aura.

Samehada swelled, doubling then tripling in length and width, bloated with the enormous amounts of magical energy it was consuming. Its spines shivered and stood erect, expanding larger and larger. The sword began to glow white-hot and the moisture in the air around it sizzled and hissed. The pools and puddles of water on the ground evaporated into steam. Every blade of grass and green leaf near them withered into ash. High above them, the white fluffy clouds were dissolving away. And still the column of flame poured out from The Weapon into the sword's gaping, toothy mouth, with increasing intensity. Kisame was gradually sliding backwards, gouts of red and white flame swirling about his body, his heels gouging great tears in the stony ground as he dug himself in further. "I've never seen Samehada get this big!"

"Gah! Talk about a steam-bath!" Tonks coughed.

With a defiant yell, the shark-ninja pushed back against the irresistible force. Samehada, now six times its ordinary size, began to crack under the strain. Hairline fractures, like glowing yellow spiderwebs sprouted across its scales.

"Flee you fool, it is too much for you to swallow!" Tobi flew at his comrade with the speed of a bullet and gripped Kisame on the shoulder, ready to teleport them both to safety in an instant. And suddenly felt an ice-cold hand seize his throat once more.

"You treasonous curs won't be apparating anywhere," Kikyō hissed. Clenching her single iron, undead hand around Tobi's neck, her legs flipped up with liquid speed to clamp around Kisame's neck. Locking them both on this timespace plane.

Tobi grunted and strained with effort to break free of the ghost's trap.

"You like sucking down chakra?" the undead spirit growled. "Then suck on this! NOW!"

The Brahmashirshāstra gave a mighty roar, and its brightness and the size of its flames increased tenfold. Thunder pealed. All but Robbie desperately shielded their eyes from the blaze of a million suns. The ground trembled and shook. The very air crackled and sparked with static. Deep cracks tore open the earth around them. With single, agonised shriek, Samehada shattered into tiny, red-hot fragments, the immense reserves of chakra stored within its, and Kisame's, bodies released in all directions in a sudden, uncontrolled tsunami.

As the torrent of wild magic swept towards them, Tonks dived forward, grabbing hold of the younger girl. The tide slammed into them. The tree's trunk shattered and they began to topple. Tonks desperately side-along apparated the pair to the last safe place she remembered. With a pop, the world spun away.

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Bellatrix howled in pain and fury as she ricocheted from branch to branch, tree to tree, stone to stone, a helpless leaf in the wind, tossed around by the force of the Brahmashirshāstra's mighty blast. Eventually the concussion wave dissipated, and she dropped insensate onto the ground.

An aeon of darkness and silence later, the black-haired witch groaned and blinked her eyes. Painfully dragging herself upright via the assistance of a nearby tree, she leaned back on her helper and tried to regain her faculties. After a while, her head cleared and she was able to walk without staggering. A series of Episkey spells fixed up the worst of the bleeding, and a couple of crude bone-mending charms sorted out the fractures in her ribs and arm. Flexing her aching muscles, the girl started to make her slow, painful way back towards the palace. Apparition was very dangerous for people with concussion to attempt, so her two legs would have to suffice for now. At least finding her way would be no problem. Even in the midst of the surrounding forest, scrying the direction of her destination was simplicity itself – all one had to do was follow the giant plumes of black smoke reaching towards the heavens, like the pillar of cloud in the Sinai desert.

Growling her promises of bloody revenge on the ones who'd done this to her, she extracted one of her spare wands from its thigh holster. After half an hour of trekking through the scrub, the sound of distant voices reached her ears. Creeping stealthily up the nearest hill, the dark witch peeked her head over the summit and peered down at the approaching party. A fierce grin drew back her lips. Looks like her lucky planet Mars was with her today after all! It seemed another crop of Hogwarts' dunderheaded students had been foolish enough to follow her and her masters to this Merlin-forsaken barbarian land. It was now up to Bellatrix to demonstrate to them the full extent of such foolishness. Starting with that traitorous, muggle-loving, House-usurping so-called Lord Black, Peter Pettigrew. Lining up her shot, she unleashed a wave of black fire directly at her most hated foe.

Cries of dismay. The ants scattered before her flames. Yes, run, run away before the true family magics of House Black! Leaping to her feet, Bellatrix launched bolt after bolt of dark flames upon the insects. Oh yes, this was living. This was truly living!

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The two women tumbled onto the bed in which they'd spent the previous night.

"We did it!" Tonks gasped.

"We're alive!" agreed Ginny.

Seizing each other in a fierce hug of triumph, the two victors rolled back and forth laughing that near-hysterical laugh of those who'd escaped fiery, mortal peril by the skin of their teeth. After about 10 minutes of working the adrenaline out of their systems, the two shaken friends let go and sat up …

… to notice the middle-aged Japanese man and woman standing stock-still at the other end of the penthouse suite; eyes fixed in glazed, unseeing shock at the sight of two hysterical gaijin appearing in a puff in their private room. Well, it would be more accurate to say the woman was standing while the man was hogtied on all fours. It would be even more accurate to say that the woman was sitting on his back riding him like a horsie.

"Er … don't mind us! We're just, uh, the room inspectors' union. Let us know if any little thing about your stay does not satisfy you! Cheerio!" Tonks dragged Lily Luna/Ginny out of the suite.

The two dishevelled girls staggered out of the love hotel clinging to each other for support, hair smoking and sticking out wildly in all directions. Looking like the sole survivors of a flaming offshore oil-rig sinking. They blithely ignored the stares and pointing fingers. With a half-hearted wave to the proprietor (who did fall off his stool this time), they reached the street and found the nearest bench. Sagged against each other to stay upright.

"I feel like I've singed my eyebrow and eyelashes off," Lily Luna finally said.

"Me too," Tonks grinned.

"They haven't have they?"

The metamorphmagus merely smirked and refused to answer.

"Do you think everything's calmed down over there by now?"

"Best give it another 10 minutes," the Auror answered sensibly. "Give the dust time to settle, and us a bit of time to get our heads on straight."

They were quiet for a while.

"Such monsters," Lily Luna whispered. "I thought this'd be a grand adventure y'know?"

"What do you mean?"

"They were nearly too much for us," the crimsonhead brooded, a bit morosely. "Even with Professor Kikyō and Robbie and The Weapon helping, they almost won. And that was only two of them! What are we going to do about all the rest? Aren't there armies of these ninja massing out there in the wild regions?"

"We'll figure something out. We've made it this far, right? There's nowhere to go but up."

"I guess," she said dubiously, teeth worrying her pouty lower lip.

"Buck up, kiddo! Whatever happens you're not alone. You two have each other at the very least, so you're never without backup! That's a plus. You also have The World's Greatest Auror and her sidekick the Once-a-Potential-Worst-Dark-Lord-of-All-Time-but-Now's-a-Really-Great-Guy-who's-Kinda-a-Goofball-but-has-a-Heart-of-Gold-when-You-Get-Right-Down-to-it-and-Won't-Let-You-Down, beside you. That's another plus. And from what we know of his dad, my Uncle Peter, there's nothing the Great Gerbil and his friends can't succeed at when they put their minds to it."

"I s'pose you're right …"

"Of course I'm right, I'm Nymphadora Chrysandrabella Tonks!"

"I stand corrected," a giggle worming its way involuntarily from the corner of the girl's mouth.

Following Auror protocol, the pinkette began to automatically check her equipment. "I've lost my wand," she complained.

"Me too," agreed Ginny. She reached into her mokeskin pouch and extracted one of her spares, strapping it into her wrist-holster.

"So you keep spares eh?"

"Never leave Britain without 'em, right?"

"A kid after my own heart!" Tonks agreed, strapping in her own spare. "Ready to mop up whatever's left of 'em and squeeze it into the chum-bucket called Aufwiedersehen?"

"You know it!"

A pop later and the two-ish bruised and battered but mostly unharmed women looked around the smoking, devastated crater. The giant steam cloud had dissipated. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. They winced at the intensity of the residual magic that still hummed in the air. Ginny could well believe that no vegetation would grow here for decades.

She cast a Tempus spell. "That fight sure was over fast."

"What do you mean, kiddo?"

"I mean, all the time we took and effort we went to to collect and assemble The Weapon, and then in the blink of an eye it's over and done with. It sure felt like a lot longer, but in reality the whole battle was over in less than 15 minutes."

*That is the usual way of war. For every week of preparation, you may only see a minute of actual combat. A good soldier ensures that every battle is as concise and one-sided in their favour as possible. For the shorter the fight, the more things are to your advantage; and the longer it drags out, the reverse is true.*

A very singed Robbie the Robot made its way over to join them.

"Are you okay, Wrecking Ball?" queried the metamorphmagus, looking the orange golem over.

*I am only slightly damaged. This body was designed to withstand severe impacts. And I was a good distance away from the impact point.*

"What happened to Bellatrix and those two black-cloaked goons?" Tonks demanded.

*What usually happens when humans try to pit their strength against powers greater than themselves.* Robbie replied cryptically.

"Yes, but what happened to them?" the Auror repeated.

* Incinerated into dust. Their frail mortal bodies could not withstand the cascade of magic that shredded them from within and without.*

"O … kaaaaay …"

"Where's … where's Professor Kikyō?" Ginny was almost afraid to ask. They hadn't seen hide nor hair of the ancient ghost since the blast.

*She was at the centre of the blast radius, trapping the two black-cloaked ones and preventing them from fleeing.*

"Is she … is she …?" Lily Luna/Ginny couldn't say it.

*No she has not passed on, to her great sorrow. Her ghost-body has been destroyed many, many times over the centuries, and yet still she is not released unto the next plane of existence. Though invisible to your eye, she reassembles the remnants of her being that have been scattered even as we speak.*

Unbidden, the memory of some of the first words The Voice had spoken to her after arriving in this world, rose to the forefront of Ginny's mind. Naught but a corpse with a cursed, false existence, one who has sought death but cannot find release nor reach the sacred place. I am trapped on this plane, living off the souls of the living and the dead … She shuddered, in horror and in pity.

*But you can ease her reassemblage. You must summon the fragments of her spirit that float here invisibly.*

"Okay … Accio Kikyō!"

Nothing happened.

*Not through your wand,* Robbie corrected, a trifle impatiently, *use the yorishiroas your magical focus. It is for this purpose that we acquired it.*

"Oh. Right. Yeah." Ginny said sheepishly, peeling the golden candleholder out of her pocket. Waving it in front of her like a wand, she imagined her magic channelling through it and cast. "Accio Kikyō!"

For a minute nothing happened. Then slowly, faint wisps of blue and yellow began to gather around the artefact. One by one, the barely-visible specks of light clung to the golden device and disappeared. Abruptly, the candle sprang to life, the blue fire flickering weakly.

Ginny grinned at the familiar cold blue flame. "We did it!"

*You did. Now blow out the flame and inhale the incense smoke.*

Lily Luna did so, breathing in the purple wisps of smoke. Just like last time, a dizzy spell spun her around in circles. When her mind finally cleared …

Thankyou my friends, you have saved me much time and difficulty, said The Voice.

Kikyō! Are you alright? demanded Lily Luna.

I … have been better, Kikyō admitted. But I will be myself again in the fullness of time. You have kept your end of our bargain, my friends, I will do my best to uphold mine.

Tonks whistled. "And I thought I'd seen some whack stuff in my time as an Auror …"

"Yeah," Lily Luna gave a half-sob, half-chuckle. "What a day!"

"Come on, kiddo, let's go find the others. Come on, Wrecking Ball!" Pulling the smaller girl into a firm hug, Tonks apparated them both to a small hill overlooking …

"Hey, it's Harry and Sirius and Narcissa and Naho and – the other me!" Lily Luna cheered. "And everyone's fine! Finally we've closed the loop!"

They saw Narcissa transfigure her sister into a lump of coal that Harry put into his pocket.

"Hidellie-ho comrades!" called out Tonks, waving madly. "I see you've cleaned up your neck of the woods too! What say we break out the barbie for a victory braai?"

They could hear Pettigrew's astonished, high, rat-like squeak waft up with the breeze to them.

"Tonks, is that you? How did you get so old?"

"I'm gonna kill that rat," Nymphadora growled, fisted clenched.

Ginny/Lily Luna laughed gaily and skipped down the hill to reunite with her/their friends and family.

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Eleazar Sanguini paced restlessly about the spacious bedroom of Bella Swan – now Cullen. Never in all his years of being a member of the Volturi Guard and scouring the globe for recruits on their behalf, had he ever encountered anything so … freakish as this.

So, a genuine dhampir now sat before him, nestled happily in his wife's undead arms; a genuine half-human half-vampire hybrid. Something long believed to be utterly impossible, biologically or magically. Sure, there were legends galore, such as the one of the redheaded dhampir Rayne who allegedly cut a bloody swathe through the Balkans during the renaissance before eventually hacking her way through Grindelwald's forces there 30 years ago. Not a single shred of evidence existed for this Rayne's existence, and the Volturi had given Eleazar free rein and as much time as he wished to seek out this supposed person and recruit them. He'd devoted an entire decade to the search, but there was never a sign nor scrap of evidence justifying her existence. But now, now there was a genuine one; a living, breathing hybrid right in front of his eyes. Guess it's true, he said to himself, search your whole life for buried treasure and find bupkis; then slip and fall down into your toilet and strike gelt! And a hybrid creature with enormous skill and power in legilimency, to boot! Skills that put his own modest legilimency talents to shame. All while still an infant! It was terrifying to conceive of the potential scope of this child's power once she reached maturity … if she ever did.

For the Volturi were mobilising to extinguish her, under the belief that Bella Swan had sired an undead child. And likely extinguish the rest of the Cullen family if they tried to stand in the way. A month, according to the clairvoyant Alice Cullen, who'd opted to flee the country. She always was the smartest of the family. And not just the Volturi, not just the entire Guard, but the entire Conclave as well. All extracting themselves from their rut and making the transoceanic journey to see to this problem personally! Aro, Caius, Marcus, Sulpicia and Athenodora in the cold, unliving, marble-like, crystal-like, sparkly flesh. It took a crisis of enormous proportions to drag those ancients out of their comfortable, civilised enclave in the heart of Europe.

"A very talented family," he muttered to himself. The room blurred around him as he paced rapidly back and forth. "A mind-reader for a father, a shield for a mother, and then whatever magic this extraordinary child has bewitched us with. I wonder if there is a name for what she does, or if it is the norm for a vampire hybrid. As if such a thing could ever be considered normal! A vampire hybrid, indeed!" Could it be possibly that the mother's natural Occlumency and the father's natural legilimency had somehow combined in It to produce some talent greater than the sum of both?

"Excuse me, what did you just call my wife?" Eleazar found himself in Edward's iron grip.

"A shield, I think. She's blocking me now, so I can't be sure," the Sanguini said absently, still turning the problems over and over in his head. Of course it made sense that the Volturi would never bother themselves with mobilising against an ordinary coven.

"A shield?"

The parents looked completely lost. Typical. Sometimes the Cullens, Merlin love 'em, could be such imbécils.

"Come now, Edward! If I can't get a read on her, I doubt you can, either. Can you hear her thoughts right now?"

"No, but I've never been able to do that. Even when she was human."

"Never? Interesting. That would indicate a rather powerful latent talent, if it was manifesting so clearly even before the transformation. I can't feel a way through her shield to get a sense of it at all. Yet she must be raw still — she's only a few months old." The look he gave Edward now was almost exasperated. "And apparently completely unaware of what she's doing. Totally unconscious. Ironic. Aro sent me all over the world searching for such anomalies, and you simply stumble across it by accident and don't even realise what you have." Search your whole life for buried treasure and find bupkis; then slip and fall down into your toilet and strike gelt, indeed!

"What are you talking about? How can I be a shield? What does that even mean?" the shield piped up, keen, focused interest sparkling in her bottomless obsidian eyes. That look made him profoundly uneasy.

"I suppose we were overly formal about it in the Guard. In truth, categorizing talents is a subjective, haphazard business; every talent is unique, never exactly the same thing twice. But you, Bella, are fairly easy to classify. Talents that are purely defensive, that protect some aspect of the bearer, are always called shields. Have you ever tested your abilities? Blocked anyone besides me and your mate?"

"It only works with certain things. My head is sort of ... private. But it doesn't stop Jasper from being able to mess with my mood or Alice from seeing my future."

"Purely a mental defence. Limited, but strong." So the girl was an Occlumens. It was good to have his theory confirmed.

"Aro couldn't hear her, though she was human when they met!" her husband interjected.

"Jane tried to hurt me, but she couldn't," his newly-vampiric wife added. "Edward thinks Demetri can't find me, and that Alec can't bother me, either. Is that good?"

"Quite." Quite was an understatement! Occlumency shields so strong they could resist the efforts of such powerful Legilimens as Edward Cullen and Aro the Signor of Volterra himself! Possibly Renata as well. Shields so strong she could shrug off powerful mental attacks from Jane, Demetri, Alec and Kate! Perhaps it was not strange after all that The Thing was so unique.

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