Chapter 34: Khushi

Khushi fiddled with the pendant contemplatively, tracing a finger around the pearls. It was Diwali, and though Arnav-ji had been away for some urgent international business, he'd returned in time for the occasion. A surprise had been planned in his absence, one that Amma and Babu-ji had embraced wholeheartedly, and Khushi and her sister had been laden with a small mountain of sweets to celebrate in Shantivan. She'd spent the afternoon helping with decorations and other preparations before Di had ushered them away to change for the party.

Will he like it?

She fussed with the pleats of her sari, studying her reflection in Di's mirror with a frown. She wore the ensemble Arnav-ji had selected for her, the red sari from their Shagun and the bangles he'd gifted. Garnet earrings from the matching set and his mother's necklace completed the outfit.

He'd arrived some thirty minutes ago — she'd heard his voice in the corridor — and though she'd briefly entertained the idea of knocking on his door, it still felt too bold and daring to be alone with him. To want to be alone with him.

Besides, there was Di's surprise to think about.

Turning away from the mirror with a smile, Khushi unlocked the doors and ventured outside, anticipation quickening her pulse and adding a bounce to her step. His eyes found her instantly when she came down the stairs. He froze in the crowd of guests, his gaze roving up and down her form in a way that made her want to hide herself. Khushi took a shaky breath as she stepped towards him, but was intercepted on her way to his side by Jiji.

"You look beautiful," her sister gushed, leading her away by the arm, "Is that the sari they gifted you for the Shagun?"

Khushi glanced back to where her heart wanted to go. He was still staring.

"Y-yes," she blinked away from him, "Arnav-ji picked it out."

"He has excellent taste."

His gaze seemed to burn between her shoulder blades. "He does."

Her pulse roared in her ears, an incessant thrum that urged her towards him. He was calling to her, his body somehow singing to hers. It was a song she recognised in her bones. Her eyes found him again, now so much closer, and a tremble went through her with each step he took.

"Khushi-ji?"

Khushi startled into awareness, numbly recognising that Di had been calling her name.

"I'm sorry Di," she tried to smile, tucking a curl of hair behind her ear, "Is everything okay?"

"Chhote wouldn't have lit the diya in his bedroom and poolside. I think we should send someone to check."

"I'll do it," Khushi grasped the chance to escape with both hands.

"I saw Om Prakash-ji over …" Di trailed off uncertainly, craning her neck to see into the crowd.

"I'll do it, Di, it's not a problem."

A quick glance at Arnav-ji, now detained by a man in a suit, and then she fled upstairs before he could see her. Inside his bedroom, she stopped and took two calming breaths.

What is happening?

He looked so handsome today.

No, not only handsome.

She blushed. The grey-blue shirt he wore brought out his eyes and the black suit fitted him so well that her hands trembled with the desire to touch his shoulders. And his hair. And his …

Oh Devi Maiyya.

Snatching a box of matches from the small table, Khushi stepped out to where unlit diya lined the pool. The simple repetition of lighting diya for his health and prosperity calmed her, bringing clarity to her thoughts as she worked.

Though innocent, she was not unaware. She knew what she felt - not only love but that other four letter word. And she knew the craving for his touch would only intensify until they were wed.

But he would know what to do. She only had to wait.

The flame had just caught on the final diya when her breath hitched, the increase in heart rate a warning that he was near.

"Khushi."

She turned. There was a fire in his eyes, an intensity in the way he held himself that stilled her breath altogether. She stood frozen as he approached.

"I told you that no one gets to see you in this but me," he seemed to smoulder even though his eyes were narrowed in annoyance.

Khushi blinked slowly as the memory of Arnav-ji caging her against her bedroom door after their Shagun surfaced. She hadn't thought he was being serious.

"I thought," she swallowed hard, looking down at his coat buttons, "I thought I'd surprise you."

He took a step forward, "You did."

"You don't like it?" she stepped back hastily.

"You have no idea, do you?"

His eyes didn't leave hers as he took a few steps forward, forcing her to back away. Her heart thundered.

"Ab-about what?" her back hit the wall behind her.

"How much," he closed the distance between them, "I ache."

Her tummy seemed to drop a few inches. Her eyes fluttered closed as his fingers, gentle and warm, caressed her cheek, and the ache within her intensified. She twisted her hand into soft fabric of her sari when his breath caused her fringe to move against her forehead. Arnav-ji was slow, his movements precise, as he brushed her fringe away before cupping her face. He tilted her head upwards.

His mouth was hot and firm. Her knees buckled, her arms wrapping around him almost desperately as she fought to retain some semblance of decorum. But that too flew away when he swept his tongue inside her mouth, roving and exploring with a wildness that left her gasping when he moved his mouth to her neck.

Oh.

He pulled her closer, his movements tinged with an unfamiliar ferocity as passion ignited between them. She surrendered to him, pressing closer and allowing her hands to explore him as they'd desired. The roughness of his stubble, the column of his throat, the breadth of his shoulders. She tugged at the closed collar of his shirt, desperate for the skin that it hid.

He groaned, or was it her?

He bit her neck before soothing her with his tongue. Giving up on the shirt, Khushi slid her hands across the slope of his chest, stopping to fiddle with the button on his jacket. He gasped her name when she unbuttoned it, her hands slipping around him to draw patterns on the back of his waistcoat. He pushed her pallu aside to trace fire into the skin left exposed between her blouse and petticoat. When his fingers brushed against the underside of her breast she was gripped by a desire so intense it tore a gasp from her throat.

More.

But then he was gone, leaving her cold and lightheaded and slumped against the wall for balance. The world seemed to spin. Khushi's breath came in rapid pants as she blinked at him, hazily taking in his clenched jaw and fisted hands and averted eyes.

"You should go," his tone was cold and brittle.

The rejection that washed over her was instant and overpowering. Tears prickled as shame followed it, cooling her blood and her skin so she shivered in the warm night air. He still wouldn't look at her, and regret uncoiled in her chest as she thought of her wanton, inappropriate behaviour.

This was not how it was meant to be.

Hiccupping a sob, she picked her way to the glass doors that led inside but couldn't resist glancing back. What she saw in his eyes gave her the courage to stay. Khushi wiped her tears and tentatively stepped back to his side, ignoring his grimace and focussing instead on the way his throat worked as he tried to swallow. She placed a hand on his shoulder, but he flung it away.

"Go!" his voice sliced through the air.

The fear she thought she'd conquered wrapped around her heart and squeezed. The words were on her tongue before she gave her mouth permission to speak.

"Why? Why not me?"

"What?"

"What do I lack that the other women had?" she ignored the warning his tone had held, "You touched them, didn't you?"

"Khushi!" his hands came up to hold her shoulders.

Her eyes flicked to where he held her – too hard – before finding his face again. There was a dangerous glint in his eyes and his mouth was twisted in fury, but now a fire burned within her as well.

"You always hold back. You're always so careful. And I—"

"I'm warning you—"

"All those women—"

"Shut up!"

"—You touched them and you won't touch me. Why not?"

"Because you aren't them. Because I love you, dammit!"

The breeze rustled a few stray leaves across the courtyard as they stood frozen in silence. Then Arnav-ji released her with a sharp inhale. He stared at her for several long seconds before leaving the poolside, slamming the door so hard that she gave a startled jump.

Because I love you, dammit.

Because I love you.

I love you.

How long had she agonised over his every look and gesture, looking for meaning and significance? How long had she waited for those words?

Because I love you, dammit.

Khushi grinned, blinking back happy tears, "Laad Governor."

The rest of the night passed in a blur. The celebrations lasted long into the night and though she looked out for him, Arnav-ji didn't return. She swapped stories with his family and their guests, smiling and giggling while his confession played in a loop in her mind. She watched Aakash-ji make conversation with Jiji as she blushed and stammered under his gaze, and grinned in victory. She fed everyone a veritable mountain of sweets but package of sugar free sweets she'd wrapped earlier remained untouched on the kitchen counter.

It was late when they returned home. Jiji fell asleep almost immediately but Khushi sat for hours at her table, staring expectantly at her phone. It was almost two in the morning when it finally buzzed.

Come outside.

She sighed in relief even as her fingers typed out a reply.

No.

Either come outside quietly or I will get you myself. Not quietly.

Grimacing, Khushi tiptoed out of her room, stopping to grab a small container from the kitchen before easing the front door open. Arnav-ji scowled at her before shrugging out of his jacket and wrapping it about her shoulders.

"You'll get sick."

Her heart swelled with gratitude for the small gesture even as a blush crept across her cheeks. It seemed this was a night for sharing new intimacies - she was clad in her night suit. Buttoning the jacket closed, she stepped out onto the verandah with him before opening the container and holding a small piece of barfi to his lips.

"Eat."

He obeyed uncomplainingly (though his eyebrow arched high) and even fed her when he was done.

"Are you okay?" he placed the empty container on the small table beside him.

Khushi bit her lip as she nodded, suddenly shy.

"Come here," he tugged her close, his arms banding around her tightly as he pressed two kisses into her hair, "There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing."

Khushi nodded into his shoulder.

"I thought … I don't know … before marriage …" he sighed, "I don't know where the line is."

She nodded again as he continued, "This is new for me too. I've never felt this way ... I've never said those words ... and tonight we got so carried away. You mean so much to me that I—"

Khushi pressed her palm to his mouth. Her courage would ebb away if she didn't say it now.

"Hum bhi aap se I love you dammit." [I love you too, dammit (literally: I also I love you dammit)]

Her cheeks and neck heated as she removed her hand, watching his reaction carefully. Warmth replaced the shock in his eyes as a slow smile formed on his lips.

He rested his forehead against hers, "Paagal." [Crazy girl.]

She snuggled into him again with a soft giggle.

"Did you find the coin?" he asked suddenly.

"I bought twenty packets," Khushi huffed, peering up at him, "Twenty! And there were no coins. But Jiji bought two packets with her own money and found one. Bua-ji was so happy!"

Arnav-ji chuckled, "If I'd known how much it meant I would've hidden a coin inside a packet myself. But I'm glad Payal found one. Did Di give you something?"

A small jewelry set of white gold and sapphires now sat in her almari, gifted in his absence by Di.

"Arnav-ji you shouldn't have -" she began, but he cut her off.

"- It's my right."

They stood in silence until he spoke again, his tone light and teasing. "Khushi ... when you say touch you ... what exactly do you mean?"

She pushed him away with a gasp, grinning through a blush as she bounded back inside.

"Badmaash!" [Rascal!]

She closed the door with a wink and left him smirking on the threshold.

Author's Note:

Thank you very much for taking the time to read, as usual :) I hope you liked this chapter, I really enjoyed writing it and have been very excited to share it. Like the motorcycle scene, the lines

"—You touched them and you won't touch me. Why not?"

"Because you aren't them. Because I love you, dammit!"

came to me very early on. RISHTAA has, in a way, been an exercise in creating a Khushi who would ask that question - after all, in the canon she couldn't ask Arnav about his past intimacies, even after marriage. I laid the foundation slowly. As in the serial, Arnav is the only thing in her life that is solely hers and the only person she doesn't feel indebted to. This is why she expected him to save her Jiji's marriage - he's hers and she was asking him for something for the first time.

Khushi accepted Arnav as a husband very early on and saw herself as part his family almost immediately. It was Khushi who initiated physical contact. It was Khushi who decided not to ask him about his past relationships, and Khushi who decided it didn't matter that he'd touched other women. But the fear was always there, and given how careful Arnav is about physical intimacies, it had to rise to the surface at some point.

The chapter turned out almost exactly as I'd planned and I'm really proud of it :)