A/N: I know! I suck for not posting sooner. There have been many reasons right after each other and I don't wanna bore you with them now that I finally can offer a chapter. But I'll just briefly mention that part of the reasons may even benefit the story, though: I spent two weeks with my own Lydia Scott and it was quite inspiring (although so time consuming that I couldn't update).
Anyway, I thank you for your patience, hopefully long waits are over now. And thank you for everyone who reviewed, alerted or favorited! It means the world and I'm really sorry I had to make you wait for so long..
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, or the background, setting, or anything that belongs to One Tree Hill. Neither do I own Bethany Joy back then Lenz, now Galeotti's Then Slowly Grows. (But it is a wonderful song, so I definitely don't mind if you put it to play on youtube while it's playing in this chapter.)
-The Next Morning-
So much for sleeping when she finally could. Brooke had woken up Peyton around 8:30 asking her to join them for a day on Carolina Beach. Peyton's eyes were still swollen from the sleepless night in tears and she really would have loved to say no, but Brooke can be persuasive.
When the phone call ended Peyton called Neil and asked if he wanted to go. He had laughed a little, when Peyton told that Brooke had introduced the ideas as a 'double date on the beach with two kids in tow'. He had asked if that would count as the 2nd one of the three dates in their deal.
The deal hadn't been very wise to begin with. With the history, Peyton and Neil were so past the dating phase. It had quite naturally shifted more towards the idea of trial relationship - being boyfriend and girlfriend for a week. So Peyton suggested that they gave up on the three dates rule all in all.
To Neil it felt like a victory. For up until Peyton's suggestion of more than the three dates he had always been the one wanting and initiating more. So the two of them joined the Bakers' beach trip.
Carolina Beach was only 10 minutes from Peyton's so Neil picked her up. He opened and closed the front seat's door for her like the gentleman he was and as always Peyton got to control the stereos.
Neil could notice she wasn't in the same happy, joking mood than usually when they were driving. Talking seriously did not seem to fit the situation naturally either so he just let her be. When he didn't start up the usual banter, Peyton realized that this time he could sense her mood ad he was being considerate. She had to smile with the reminder that despite yesterday's maybe unreasonable disappointment, Neil was really a good guy, too.
They met the Bakers in the parking area and the atmosphere was lifted back up. Neil opted for a running contest to the closest shades to the shore. After running ten feet Brandon requested that Julian would carry him to help him beat the others. Sand wasn't easy to run on.
Julian lifted his son up. Noticing that Brooke was carrying Ellen Neil ran to Peyton and lifted her up to carry her. He looked really funny imitating the way Julian was carrying Brandon. Peyton laughed uncontrollably all the way until Neil dropped him to the sand when they arrived to the destination.
Brandon wanted to get straight into the water and so Brooke encouraged the rest of them to go enjoy the refreshing water first, while she stayed behind with Ellen. The men agreed and soon ran to the water. But Peyton stalled and stayed behind with Brooke and Ellen.
"Brooke, you need to take it easy with Luke." Peyton started as soon as Julian, Brandon and Neil were gone.
"Excuse me?" Brooke asked and raised her eyebrows as if it would help her understand better.
"Lucas said you didn't want him near me." Peyton looked at her best friend sternly.
Brooke sighed. Of course Peyton would defend Lucas. She always did and most of the time he really didn't deserve it. "Peyton, you know how he is. Even if he doesn't mean to, he always ends up hurting you. You have a good thing going on with Neil. I won't allow him to hurt you again."
Peyton smiled at her best friend. Even if she did not agree with what Brooke was doing, it was still nice to have someone so concerned about her happiness.
"Well, I thank you for having my back" Peyton emphasized the thank you. "But I can take care of myself. Lucas and I are friends and I want that. So get off his back."
It was Brooke's turn to smile as she studied her best friend intently. She tried to remember the last time Peyton had been this determined. There hadn't been many occasions since her decision to move out of Tree Hill and go on tour. It was a little worrying that she was so protective of Lucas again, but on the other hand she had missed that fire in Peyton.
In Brooke's mind this was a glimpse of the Peyton she loved the most. Peyton was supposed to be passionate and fiery but sensitive, delicate and vulnerable. She was hoping Neil's out going personality would bring that out of her best friend, who had lately gotten just easily sad and a little dull.
"Okay, I'll trust your judgement when it comes to him. But I keep rights to have his head if he hurts you again." Brooke finally agreed.
"You know that's exactly the image he used yesterday" Peyton chuckled.
"Good. Then he knows what he's in for." Brooke smirked smugly. "Anyway, girl talk, since yesterday's wasn't that good: when's your next full on date with Hot Neil? I'm dying for some romance."
"We don't count them anymore, but he's taking me out for the next one-on-one date tomorrow."
"Ooh, tell me everything, I haven't been out on a one-on-one date since before Ellen was born.." Brooke's eyes lit up of excitement.
"Well, it's not exactly Neil's style for us to make exact plans like that. I'm pretty sure, though, that it will be something fun and spontaneous." Peyton stuck her tongue out to Neil and laughed at him. He was messing around in the water with Julian and Brandon, but he tried to wave at Peyton to come join them while throwing water at Brandon.
Brooke was over the moon seeing how her Hot Neil got her best friend to laugh like that. The man looked so hot and ridiculous at the same time. Of course the man with Neil was even hotter, because he was hers, but Neil definitely had serious potential for Peyton.
"Go, have some fun!" Brooke shooed and winked at Peyton.
Cuddling with her beautiful baby girl, Brooke watched how Peyton joined Neil, Brandon and Julian. A huge smile was plastered on her face as she watched how much fun the most important people in her life were having. It was a beautiful day, she had her miracle of a daughter in her arms and everyone she loved seemed happy. It was quite perfect.
In the midst of her happy, enjoying thoughts Brooke all of a sudden frowned. She took even better look at the perfect picture and found a possibility of a flaw in it. It was funny how Peyton seemed the same whether she was closer to Julian or Neil. Brooke tried to reason that it was because Peyton had history with Julian, too, that it didn't seem so different. But in all honesty, it seemed like Peyton was simply resistant of Neil's obvious charm and hotness.
Brooke knew Peyton's taste in men. They had even shared three guys in the ancient past. It was obvious that her best friend wasn't blind. Still the way Peyton was with Neil, did not feel like it should have. Neil could easily have been Nathan. Peyton looked happy, but she didn't look like she was having a crush on him. She certainly didn't look like she was in love. Well, at least she looked happy.
-Around noon in Haley's car-
"I saw you looking at Peyton yesterday." Haley noted to her best friend. Lucas was driving them to Jamie's baseball game in Charlotte. Nathan was already there with Jamie's team and Lydia was sleeping in the back seat.
"We're becoming friends again." Lucas brushed it off, but then almost whispered "I hope."
"Where's your head at?" she asked softly.
Lucas quickly peeked that Lydia was still asleep and sighed to win some time for finding the right words. "She's so strong and beautiful. She always has been, but now more than ever." Lucas paused and Haley smiled at him warmly. Her best friend was definitely at his best when he was deep, caring and passionate as right now. "But she's also vulnerable and I can't help but worry about her."
"Worry? I thought it was jealousy..." Haley couldn't help but comment. She stopped at that, though, when she noticed he was truly worried. "But why now? She's with Neil and everything seems to be well.."
"Because now that I don't have to spend all my strength to making it through a doomed forever, my eyes are opened" Lucas shrugged.
"And what do you see?" This was interesting...
"I see the same amazingly strong and beautiful woman I used to know. But it feels like deep down she's tired and confused and suffering. It makes me worried." Haley was still quiet as if she was forcing him to continue. "And I also notice how much I've missed her. How much I still miss her." There it was.
"I haven't really thought about it, but I guess I know what you mean. Life hasn't been easy for her, but she still handles it really well."
Lucas smiled and nodded. "Like I said, she's amazingly strong. I just think she shouldn't have to be that strong."
It was Haley's turn to smile. He was so admiring and caring while talking about Peyton that it brought her years back in history and she couldn't help but chuckle.
"Stop laughing! I mean it. And you should, too." he scolded her.
"Okay, okay. I am not laughing at what you said." Haley raised her hands up still very amused by her best friend. "It's just you sounded so much like my best friend at age of 16. Do you remember? I can quote 'No Peyton Sawyer is not human. She's an angel. She my angel.'"
"Haha. Very funny." Lucas still didn't like it that she was making fun of him, although she did have a point.
"I find it so sweet how you much love and admire her." Haley explained reasons behind her trip down the memory lane. The laughter and amusement was long gone and she was tearing up. Damn those pregnancy hormones.
Lucas blushed and was clearly a little embarrassed. He didn't say anything back to her.
"Luke, it's nothing to be embarrassed of. It's one of the best qualities about you." Haley smiled gently "But, it's time you put Peyton's happiness first even if it means her being with Neil and not you. So just be careful.."
Lucas was just about to answer, but a groggy voice from the back seat beat him to it. "Mama, why would uncle Lucas be embarrassed?"
What do you answer to that to a five-year-old, who already knows a little too much for everyones good?
"Hey sweetie, did you sleep well?" Haley turned to look at her daughter and tried changing the subject.
"Yeah, so?" Lydia rubbed her eyes and changed the subject right back.
"That your uncle is so caring and kind." Haley smiled. Nathan often said about her that he found her endearing and especially beautiful when she was still a little tired but had just woken up. Over the many years of their marriage Haley had rolled her eyes at the comment countless times. But now watching her daughter so groggy but sweet and determined, she could actually understand where Nathan was coming from. "It's something you could pursue in life, too. Loving is always good, sometimes it just means doing things in a way that's best for the other even if you don't like it."
Lydia wasn't so into a life lesson at that moment, but there was something intriguing in the conversation she had woken up to. The curiosity her father often cursed about her was waking her up speedily. "So who do you love, uncle Lucas?"
"I, I-I love a lot of people." Lucas stuttered taken back at his niece's question. "Especially you."
Relieved, the adults noticed the answer silenced the little girl. Maybe it was enough for her. But after a while they heard a really slow and doubtful "no" from the backseat. "I don't think mama was talking about me though. Were you talking about Aunt Pey, mama?"
"Honey, of course uncle Lucas loves you. Why'd you say we were talking about aunt Pey?" Haley could envision at least Nathan, Brooke and Peyton competing at killing her and Lucas if Lydia started talking about Lucas's love for Peyton in that innocent and excited style she loved to blabber.
"Mama, you mentioned her name." Lydia stated the obvious. "So, uncle Lucas do you love my aunt Pey?"
Lucas knew just as well as Haley did that Lydia really shouldn't know anything about that. But he couldn't lie to her either.
"Yes, I do, Lydia." His voice sounded like he was asking the little girl whether it was okay that he did.
But Lydia's face lit up to a happy smile. "It's okay that you do, uncle Lucas. I love aunt Peyt, too."
Luckily this time around Lydia's innocence was on their side and the information wasn't as dangerous as it might have been, but they were still on somewhat thin ice about it. Topics like this were definitely something they needed to be more careful with in the future.
They had played in the water and on the sand for hours only stopping to eat lunch, but it started to feel again like they were in need of some extra energy or refreshment. Neil and Brandon were the last ones to give in to exhaustion, both almost collapsing straight on Peyton as they stopped the games. Brooke couldn't help but notice the slight awkwardness about it in Peyton and how Peyton scooted a little closer to Brandon on other side of her to give Neil more space.
"You know what we need?" Brooke basically squealed when an idea popped into her head. "We need ice cream!"
"YES!" Brandon squealed in same enthusiastic manner as his mother causing both Julian and Peyton to chuckle. He was so his mother's son.
"You boys rest here with Ellen while I'll go with Peyton to get us some." Brooke instructed.
Neil muttered an objection of some sort about why it was them all staying and Peyton going with her. He was to exhausted for any of them to pick up the actual words. Fluent in Boys Brooke still picked up the message from how he had laid his hand on Peyton's thigh. So she explained that she'd take Peyton because they were in need of some best friend time and besides, all the rest of them seemed too tired to actually walk to the Ice Cream booth. Loyal to her style it all came out with such determination Peyton rose slowly from the sand and winked at Neil and Brandon on her way.
"Best friend time, huh?" Peyton questioned slightly amused. "Brooke, we've been hanging out all day and already had a one-on-one conversation. What's up?"
"I just thought you might like to talk about hot Neil a little bit" Brooke shrugged innocently.
Peyton raised her eyebrows trying to figure out her best friend. "We already talked about him earlier. I think once a day is quite enough."
"I just, I've been watching you two today and I got this feeling that what if I've been wrong about him" Brooke stopped to emphasize her worry. "I've been so cooped up in my romantic daydreams of the two of you that I haven't really been asking you if it's what you really want. So what do YOU think? Do you think he could be the one?"
Peyton looked tormented. "How did you know Julian was the one for you?"
"I just, I guess at first it was just this very special feeling of crush or adoration. Like there was this force pulling me to him." Brooke's face lit up to a huge smile. "But I don't know. It's hard to say how it really happened. But a lot of things led to those moments when I realized that I don't want to be without him."
Peyton looked still puzzled, like she had not gotten the answer she was looking for. "So you didn't notice any particular traits about him or something he did? Anything concrete?" She was trying to fish a suitable answer from her best friend.
"Well how he gave up on that movie in New Zealand to be with me was quite convincing deed from him, but I think in a way I knew before that. Well, you were in my wedding. I said it in our vows, too, that he sees the world in this amazing way and looks at me like no one has ever done." Brooke was getting a little dreamy and Peyton did not find comfort in that explanation either. Luckily they got to the Ice Cream booth and picked out ice creams before getting back to the conversation. "Why do you ask?"
Peyton sighed deeply. Like she was defeated. "Because I'm trying so hard to find that sign something that could tell me to consider spending even the rest of my life with him. And I thought maybe getting inspiration from you could help, but the more you talk about Julian the more I don't think about Neil. Why am I like this? He's a good guy, he likes music and understands what I do, he's single and he likes me. I feel like it should feel perfect, but in stead I feel indifferent."
Brooke really wished they hadn't picked up the ice creams yet, for she was dying to hug her best friend. It was too hard, though, with both of their hands full of ice cream packages. "Well either the time is not right or he is not right. Either way, Peyton, please don't settle.."
They arrived back to the rest of them so Peyton didn't need to reply to her. However she kept thinking about Brooke's words and everything they had talked about.
It was around midnight when Peyton realized that there was too much going on in her head for her to calm down that night either. She had tried putting on the song that had helped her the night before, but it felt outdated. So she found herself driving in Comet, switching from one radio channel to another in hopes of a good song. She found nothing good enough. But then again, that wasn't so surprising. Moments like these she was extremely picky about her music.
Before finding the right song she found herself in Tree Hill, driving towards River Court. It was dark, but she had always found River Court comfortably beautiful in the night time's lighting. Slowly she got out of her car and walked towards the actual court.
It took her a while to notice she wasn't alone. Even when she did see him, she wasn't sure he was real. Lucas was standing in the middle of the court, a basketball in his hands staring at her gently. It felt more like a dream or just her inner image of the place. But she stopped and pinched herself, but Lucas stayed on the court so maybe he really was there.
"Hi" He said nervously.
"Hi" she answered just as nervously. He smiled and ran his hand through his hair. It felt a little bit like they were back in High school.
"What are you doing here, blondie?" He had not called her that in a long time. But it felt right, natural.
She felt comforted by that one word. Had she had the time to analyze it, she could have realized it made annoyingly perfect sense: she had always been comforted by two things above all: music and Lucas's words. Music had so far failed her tonight, but his words still worked their magic just like that.
"I didn't feel like sleeping. I couldn't the right music either, so I ended up driving and then I ended up here." her reply came out as quite a ramble. "What about you?"
"I-I'm almost always here." Lucas stuttered a little and whispered "Still"
They smiled at each other knowingly. Maybe they hadn't changed that much after all. He nodded towards the bench and they walked over to the side of the court and sat down.
"So how are you holding up?" He asked.
Peyton studied his expressions as well as she could in the dark, trying to figure out what kind of answer was necessary. Unsurprisingly he looked Lucas: caring and sincerely interested, a little too worried. He was calling for an honest answer.
"I'm okay. Actually, I've been better." she said so softly that he hardly heard her. He still did, though.
He felt they weren't close enough for him to start asking questions. But he still wanted to be there for her. So he placed his hand carefully on hers. They stayed like that for a long time. Quiet but comforted by each others' presence.
"Luke, can I ask you something?" Peyton finally broke the silence.
"Sure." Lucas nodded.
"I know I shouldn't and I have no right to, so you don't have to answer, but.." Peyton stopped in the middle of her sentence, took a deep breath and asked "If it's impossible to have everything, do you think it's better to settle on some of it or keep holding on to the impossible?"
"Um, that was vague.." Lucas chuckled buying himself a little time to collect his thoughts. "Some years ago I probably would have said to just take some of it. But now.. Now I kind of cringe at the word settle. My marriage was all about two people settling for the easiest. It ruined us as people a little and it certainly ruined our marriage. Now I don't know what each of the option means in practice, but I've learned it's good to be extremely cautious with settling."
Peyton smiled weakly and nodded. In a pit of her stomach she had had that feeling, too. But she had wanted a change so bad that she had tried to ignore it.
"Thank you for the song by the way." she changed the subject. "It was beautiful and so suitable."
"Mah, you're welcome." Lucas tried to shrug it off.. "So you couldn't find music?"
"Well you know me, I'm extremely picky about my music when I really need it." Peyton smirked.
"Oh, yeah, when you moved to L.A. I sometimes hung out with Max at his store and he used to tell all kinds of stories about you. Quite a few had you in tears, desperate to find that right song.." Lucas chuckled.
"Hey, that place was like my therapist's office, he had no right to tell any stories about me.." Peyton was half annoyed and half amused.
"Well, it was just a couple of not that bad stories. But I told him you'd not like even that, but he just smiled at me and said that he was 33 and living with his parents so you'd be okay, 'cause he'd be more embarrassing anyway." Luke smiled at the memory.
"Oh, Max. I miss him.." Peyton smiled, too.
"What about the Cure?" Lucas asked suddenly. Peyton raised her eyebrows to ask what he meant. "Is there no the Cure song to work for you tonight?"
"Nah, I tried looking at the albums, but it they just didn't feel right." Peyton shrugged.
They discussed some of her other favorites, too, and when they finally agreed that maybe it was getting too late considering there was work the next day. They agreed that it wasn't as bad for Lucas, because he could choose his working hours, but Neil was coming to pick up Peyton at 8:15 so she really should have been in bed already long ago. Peyton also offered to drop him off anyway.
As the Comet pulled over by Lucas's house. He asked her to wait a little. He ran quickly into the house and came back almost immediately, with self-burned CD in his hands. He handed it over to Peyton.
"What is this?" Peyton asked and read the label. It was written in Lucas's hand writing and it said 'My Red Bedroom mix 1'
"It's my Red Bedroom mix." Lucas explained, "I don't know anyone who picks music, or artists with better music and lyrics, than you do. Maybe you will find the right music from one of your own.."
For a second time that night Peyton looked at him not sure he was real. Lucas smiled at her, wished her good night and walked inside.
Peyton just stared at the yellow house for a long minute, then she put the CD on and drove off. The first song in Lucas's mix was Haley's old one.
I'm a frantic unsatisfied woman when the day grows long
And I can't seem to settle down
Then slowly grows our little faith I hang my head on
A smile grew on her face. This was the song for her tonight.
Everyday my dreams will get bigger
Then I hear there's nothing I can dream hasn't been dreamt before
So I water my little faith and hope for the better
How had she not found the song on her own?
I know there's so much more for me
I know there's so much more
So much more than I can see
Then again, maybe she had needed that discussion with Lucas to get to this song.. It seemed quite logical after all.
So won't you come to me
I'll be the first one waiting
I'll be the last to leave
Promise you'll come to me
I'll give you anything
I'll give everything you need
She wanted some one waiting and not leaving. Actually she also wanted to be the one waiting and not leaving. Maybe it would all be alright..
And did I mention that I'm in lack of a loving hand
And the nights grow long and I can't seem to start again
Then slowly grows a little light
Peyton pulled over to the side of the road. She Searched for a napkin and dried her eyes.
Breaks through my shadow
Breaks through my shadow
I know there's so much more
So much more than I can see
With a shaky voice she whispered the lyrics to Haley's singing and continued the drive back to Wilmington.
A/N: So there it was. What'd you think? Next chapter includes at least Neil and Peyton's date. What do you think will happen, or should happen? I hope that despite my bad attendance lately, you'll still be kind enough and help improve the story by reviewing this one. But anyway, thanks for reading, I hope to update soon again!