Thank you so much for the reviews. I am sorry it took me longer to update this time. All your comments make me truly happy. Thanks so much!
(I have changed Rachel's age to 18 in those chapters where her age was mentioned)
...
The walk towards the zoo was silent, as each member of the family was lost in her own thoughts.
Beth, despite only being three years old, was wondering why her mom had asked Rachel to apologize to her sister. She couldn't quite grasp what that implied, but there was a girl in her Sunday play group that was always complaining about her sister, so she had an idea of what it meant. Still, in Beth's mind, it didn't make any sense. She scrunched her nose and looked at her mom and then at her new friend, Rachel. Then, she shrugged. She had learned in her short three years that adults sometimes said weird things, so she stopped thinking about it and smiled, as she thought about all the animals she was going to see.
Shelby couldn't stop thinking about what she had said. She hadn't meant to say that to Rachel and she was a little afraid about how Rachel would react once they had a chance to talk. However, the more she thought about it, the more at ease she felt. While it was true that she had walked away, she was Rachel's mom and nothing could change that, and she knew that if she wanted to fix their relationship, she had to stop walking on eggshells and start treating Rachel as her daughter, not as her friend. She looked down to see the hand she was holding and noticed that Rachel hadn't tried to release her hand yet, which meant that deep down, the young girl wanted the same thing as her mother.
Rachel walked next to Shelby, but couldn't bring herself to look at the older woman. She kept replaying in her head everything that had happened during sophomore year and senior year, and she couldn't understand why she had been called Beth's sister. She wanted to think that Shelby was finally ready to be her mother, but she didn't want to get her hopes up. She had done it before, and her heart had been broken. She started to think about the time Shelby had helped her with the Lady Gaga dress, that had also been very motherly and yet, Shelby later told her that they couldn't be a family. She shook her head and sighed. This time, she was not going to allow Shelby to break her heart.
As soon as Beth spotted the zoo, she let go of her mom's hand and ran towards the entrance.
"Beth, come here!" Shelby said, running towards the little girl. "You know you cannot let go of my hand. It's dangerous!"
"But mommy, I have to see the monkeys!" Beth replied with an urge in her voice.
"And you will, but we all have to stick together" Shelby said, kneeling down, so she could be the same height as Beth. "Imagine if you got lost. What would I do without you?"
"You'd find another daughter." Rachel muttered.
As soon as those words left her mouth, Shelby looked up and gave her a glance that sent chills down her back. Rachel didn't know how her mother had heard that, since she was sure she had said it to herself, but it was clear that Shelby had supersonic hearing.
"I don't wanna get lost, mommy" Beth said, oblivious of what was going on around her, as she went back to holding Shelby's hand.
Shelby gave Beth a kiss on the forehead and stood up, looking at Rachel again.
"That was inappropriate," Shelby said in a serious tone, "and we are going to talk about why you feel that way."
"It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" Rachel replied, allowing her emotions to get the best of her.
Shelby was about to reply when she was interrupted by her little blond child. "I wanna see the monkeys!"
"Let's go see them, Beth" Rachel said, taking Beth's other hand. She was grateful that the little girl had once again interrupted the conversation. She still wasn't ready to show how much she actually needed Shelby in her life.
"You have a favorite animal, Wachel?" Beth asked, as they finally stood in front of the cage that held the monkeys.
"I cannot say I have one favorite animal, no. People always think I love animals, because of the sweaters I used to wear in High School, but that was not because of my love for animals. It was more of a fashion statement, though people never saw it that way." Rachel replied, rambling. "I can say, however, that I am quite fond of penguins and polar bears. I cannot say why, though."
Beth looked at Rachel with wide eyes and then at Shelby. That had been a very complicated answer for such a simple question.
"Rachel likes penguins and polar bears, honey." Shelby said, simplifying the answer to Beth.
"Oh" Beth said, with a wide smile, returning her attention to her beloved apes.
"Did you use to like going to the zoo when you were little, Rachel?" Shelby asked.
Rachel shook her head. "We went once, but … uh … well, something happened and …"
"What happened?" Shelby inquired.
"Nothing. Forget about it" Rachel said, not wanting to reveal her mischievous side as a kid.
"Was it serious?" Shelby asked.
"No. It wasn't" Rachel replied, hoping Shelby wouldn't ask any more questions.
"But you said something had happened …" Shelby insisted. She just wanted to get to know her daughter.
"I said, forget about it!" Rachel said, raising her voice, and walking away. "I'm going to the restroom."
Shelby grunted as she rubbed her temples. She noticed that Beth was so enthralled with the monkeys in front of her that she was unaware of everything. "Beth, how about if we go find Rachel? Say bye bye to your friends"
"Bye bye, Simon. Bye bye, Louie. Bye bye, Sally"
Shelby chuckled as she listened to her little girl bidding goodbye to each monkey. "Let's go find …"
"I think I'm going to go now, Shelby" Rachel said, approaching Shelby and Beth.
"Wait, Rachel. While I didn't appreciate being yelled at when I was just asking a question, it doesn't mean you have to leave. We are having fun as a family"
"But we are not a family" Rachel said, "Beth and you are a family. I am just … well, I am not"
"Please, watch Beth for a minute. I need to make a call" Shelby said, excusing herself. She wanted to tell Rachel that she was her family, she wanted to make her daughter understand that she needed her as much as the young girl needed her, but she didn't want Beth to listen to the serious conversation they were going to have to clear everything up.
While she was waiting for Shelby, Rachel listened to Beth tell her why she loved the zoo so much and how she wanted to have a monkey, but her mom didn't allow her.
"I've called the sitter" Shelby said, as she ended her call. "We'll take Beth to her house and then, we'll have the whole afternoon to talk. How does that sound?"
Rachel shrugged, not wanting to seem too happy about the idea.
"Okay, let's go. Beth, you are staying at Megan's this afternoon. She said she'd make you mac and cheese" Shelby told her youngest daughter.
"Yummy!"
…
"You really didn't have to do that, Shelby." Rachel said, after dropping Beth's at the sitter's.
"I didn't have to, but I wanted to do it" Shelby replied. "There are many things we need to talk about and it is difficult to talk when Beth is around. So, let's enjoy our time together. I bet you are hungry, where do you want to go?"
Rachel could see that her mother was being sincere and she really did want to spend time with her, so she let her guard down a bit and smiled. "There is a restaurant on Lexington Avenue that has a great vegan menu. I've only been there once, and I'd love to go there again."
"Let's go there, then." Shelby replied. "So, vegan means no meat, huh?"
"It's healthy. You should start thinking about giving up meat and other food. At your age, it is not very good to eat animal products"
"At my age? Are you calling me old?" Shelby said, with her hands on her hips.
Rachel chuckled and shook her head. "No. I was just saying that studies have shown that after the age of 35, women have to be more careful about what they eat."
"I see … Well, I will listen to you, and I will have a delicious vegan meal today"
…
"How is the crusted tofu?" Rachel asked, as she ate her wild mushroom and vegetable fricassee.
"It's … different" Shelby replied, taking another sip of water. She couldn't believe her daughter liked that kind of food. That was definitely something she hadn't gotten from her.
"I don't like tofu" Rachel admitted.
"Then why did you let me order it!?"
"I didn't know you wouldn't like it either" Rachel said, laughing at Shelby's face of disgust.
"That was not a very nice thing to do to your mother" Shelby said. This time, she knew the implications of what she was saying, but they had been eating for over half an hour and all they had talked about was Broadway. She knew they needed to start talking about more important issues.
"You are not my … You said …" Rachel started to speak, but she didn't know where to start. She was always very eloquent, except when she was with Shelby.
"I know what I said. Before we start, I want to apologize for having walked away after Regionals"
"And for adopting Beth?" Rachel added.
"No, I won't apologize for adopting Beth. She brought happiness back to my life. She brought back a smile I thought I had lost" Shelby explained.
"Then, I hope you and Beth are really happy together." Rachel said, getting up, about to storm out of the restaurant. She wanted to hear that Shelby was sorry for adopting Quinn's baby, not that she was so happy.
"Rachel, sit down!" Shelby said in a loud authoritarian voice. "We will never be able to have an adult conversation if you continue behaving like a child."
"You've just told me how happy Beth makes you. I'm happy for you!" Rachel said, in a defiant tone.
"You didn't let me finish …" Shelby said. "Now, can we continue?"
Rachel sat down and looked directly into Shelby's eyes. "Okay, go ahead"
"As I was saying, Beth made me happy. But I always felt something was missing. When Beth smiled for the first time, I thought of you. I wondered when you had smiled for the first time, what had made you smile. When Beth said her first word, I wondered what your first word had been …"
"But you gave me away …" Rachel said in a low voice.
"I had to, Rachel. Your fathers wanted a baby so they looked for a surrogate. You were never meant to be mine. I always knew that I would have to give you away to those two men when you were born. And I thought I would be prepared when the time came, but I wasn't …" Shelby admitted, as she reached across the table to take Rachel's hands. "When I saw you for the first time, I knew I couldn't do what your fathers were asking me to. But I had signed a contract, so I had to do it …"
"But I don't understand. Why did you ask Jesse to find me if you didn't want me as your daughter? Were you disappointed when you saw me?"
"No, of course not. You are perfect, Rach, and I was ready to be part of your life, but Will …" Shelby said, trying to explain everything that had happened.
"Will? Mr. Schuester?" Rachel asked, not sure what he had to do with them.
Shelby nodded sadly. "I wanted to be part of your life, but he really cared about you and he didn't want me to disrupt your life."
"That doesn't make sense. I wanted you. I needed you. Why would you listen to him!?" Rachel asked, getting worked up.
"I thought that he was right. You had wonderful fathers who gave you everything you needed. I had no right to ask for a place in your life"
"I needed a mother" Rachel replied, trying not to cry. She still had many things to say and she didn't want her tears getting in the way.
"I am sorry. I wish I could undo what I did" Shelby said, rubbing Rachel's hands with her thumb.
"You led me to believe you weren't ready to be a mother and then you went and adopted Beth! How do you think that made me feel?"
Shelby felt the sting of the tears threatening to roll down her cheeks as she looked at Rachel. "I am sorry"
"You keep saying that, Shelby, but that doesn't change the fact that you never wanted me as your daughter" Rachel said, "Why did you call me Beth's sister today? Why did you refer to yourself as my mother?"
"Because I realize what a fool I was. I shouldn't have listened to anyone but to my own heart. But you have to understand, I didn't want to disrupt that wonderful life your fathers had given you"
Rachel shook her head, as she let her tears flow. "I love dad and daddy, and I have no complaints. They are wonderful. But a girl needs a mother. I needed a mother."
"I'm right here" Shelby said, wiping Rachel's tears with her fingers.
"It's too late, Shelby"
"Do you know that every time you call me Shelby, I feel this pain in my heart that I cannot explain? It's like a shot to the heart." Shelby said sadly.
"Your name is Shelby, isn't it?" Rachel asked, pretending she didn't understand what her mother meant.
"It is. But you are my daughter and …"
"I can't. I can't call you mom. I have finally accepted that you and I will never be a family." Rachel said, "I just can't."
"Rachel, I know I was wrong. I know I hurt you. But we can be a family. We can start again."
"Unless you have a time machine or one of those pills that make you forget about everything, I don't think we can." Rachel added.
"I am not saying we should forget about everything. I don't want you to call me mom. I know I have to earn that title. But we can get to know each other. I want to know my daughter" Shelby said.
"I guess we can do that, Shelby" Rachel said, putting an emphasis on the name, so the older brunette knew she wasn't going to forget about everything right away.
"Thank you, that is all I am asking. And Rach, you can stay at the house as long as you want. It is your house, after all" Shelby said, smiling, "Though I do think you should talk to Kurt and …"
"Come on, not again" Rachel said, groaning.
"Okay. I won't bring that up again. So, how about some dessert? Desserts don't have any tofu, right?" Shelby asked, winking at Rachel.
"The apple cranberry pie is delicious." Rachel said, smiling at Shelby.
Both mother and daughter knew they had a long way to go. They both knew their relationship wouldn't be fixed in an afternoon, but they were both willing to give it a chance and that is what counted.
"So, tell me about what happened at the zoo when you were little …" Shelby said.
"Not until you tell me why you had that mug made …" Rachel replied.
Shelby and Rachel looked at each other and saw their own reflection in each other's eyes. Both knew that this time it would be different. Shelby knew she had just been given the chance to know that daughter she spent so many hours thinking about and Rachel knew she was finally getting her wish. It might have taken them 18 years, but they were on the road to becoming a family. They just knew they had to take it one day at a time.