NINE
It was six o'clock before Ben saw his son Joseph again.
Apparently whatever had passed between Joseph and Jamie had worn them both out. Leaving Bella and her young brother with their unexpected guest, he'd gone upstairs and found Joseph asleep in the chair by the boy's bed. Waking him, he had gently – and adamantly – suggested he return to his current room. For once his son had not fought him and, after depositing Joseph on the feather tick and tucking him in like he had when he was a child, Ben had sat by his bed for a short while and they'd talked.
Joe insisted on apologizing for just about everything he'd done and said in the last seven months. He hid it to some extent, but his son felt deep shame for his erratic and at times unkind behavior. He said he'd had time to think about it and he thought Doc Martin was right about the pills. Joseph had gone to Doctor Brandon in order to hide the fact that he was going to anyone, knowing neither he nor anyone else at the Ponderosa would have any knowledge of the Carson City physician's actions. Joe said Doctor Brandon was a kind man and had helped him. For a time they had just talked during his appointments, but when the deep melancholia had refused to lift, the doctor had prescribed the Blue Mass pills. Joseph said that, at first, they seemed to help. He wasn't so miserable or cheerless. But then the anger began. He'd been able to control it for the most part until the month before when the doctor had doubled the dose.
Joe said he had never felt so out of control, not even on the night Alice died.
They had brushed on the subject of Bella's visit briefly. Joe commented that he was happy to see her, but he hoped she didn't think they could take up where they had left off eight years before. He said he was through with that. He confirmed that he was going to stay a bachelor for the rest of his life.
In other words his fearless, daring, devil-may-care son was scared. Scared to love again. Scared to lose again.
Fortunately, that was something Ben knew all about. What his son needed was a helping hand in the right direction.
Well, maybe a push.
Ben shifted in his seat and looked down the table at the figures arrayed on either side. To his left sat Bella. Firmly planted between her and Rafe Ashton, who held the place of honor opposite him, was her brother Benjamin. He really liked the boy and hoped to spend more time with him. In many ways Benjamin reminded him of Levi Carnaby. Life had dealt a hard hand to that Carnabys when their father was laid low. He'd been talking to Benjamin about it and they had a plan. He was going to try to talk the family into returning to Virginia City. That way Bella would be near, and he and the boys could lend Levi and Mary a hand. From what Benjamin said Bella's father was better. It was his hope the man could do enough to satisfy his pride while still accepting their help.
Ben shifted back in his seat. His eyes went to his son Joseph where he was seated to his right as he had been for more than thirty years now. Joseph had made the slow descent down the stairs to join them for the first time since the accident. Doctor Martin arrived late in the day and had gone up to see both his boys. The physician put Joe's left arm in a sling, more to remind him to protect his injured shoulder than for any other reason. Joseph looked brighter than he had for some time, but he was still far from himself. His son was quiet. Very quiet. Now and again his eyes would flick to Bella who sat opposite him, but they never lingered long. Joseph didn't enter into the conversation. In truth, he couldn't really blame him.
Rafe Ashton seemed to be the only one talking and it was mostly about himself.
A smile tickled Ben's lips. He remembered his foreman's keen assessment of the man. Candy had used a single word.
Jackass.
Not exactly a polite description but, from what he had observed so far, completely apropos.
Up until now the most amusing moment of the evening had come when Hop Sing emerged from the kitchen carrying a tray of steaming food intended for Jamie. Rafe had made a remark, not exactly disparaging, but it was obvious the man from the city had a dislike for the Chinese. Hop Sing bowed deeply as he passed their guest and let loose a long string of Cantonese ending with, 'Special blessing for honored guest.' He heard Joseph snicker. The youngest of his three, of course, knew more Chinese than the rest of them and so he had leaned in and asked Joe what it meant.
"Old Chinese proverb, Pa," Joseph had whispered. "Arguing with a fool is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the bird is going to take a crap on the board and strut around like it won anyway."
He nearly blew soup out of his nose.
Ben listened a moment to their guest as Rafe regaled his captive audience once again, making sure to point up his wealth and attributes. When the man from the city came up for air, he managed to get in. "I've asked Hop Sing to hold the dessert until a little later. Why don't we retire to the great room for a brandy?"
As he awaited his answer, Ben's eyes locked with Bella's. She had that look – the one a drowning woman has when she's about to go under for the last time.
Ben put his napkin down. As he rose, he remarked quite casually, "Joe, I've missed your expert advice. I have some concerns about which of the shipping lines we should employ to use to move our timber for the army job. Perhaps you could take a look at it."
Joseph gave him about as blank a look as he had ever seen. "Sure, Pa..."
"Mister Cartwright."
Ah, here it came.
With a slightly puzzled look, Ben turned to Rafe. "Yes?"
Rafe stood tall, his back erect; his spine stiff. He wondered for a moment if the man had army training, but then decided if he had it must have been at some boy's school as there was no hint of the common sense of a soldier about him. Bella's brother-in-law had changed his clothes – insisting they burn the ruined ones – and was now wearing an elegant black dots on gray velvet smoking jacket with a wine-colored satin puff tie and a pair of black trousers. Everything about the man dripped self-conceit – or maybe more accurately, self-doubt. It puzzled him. Both Michael and Maynard Ashton had been, from what he remembered, pleasant secure men. Perhaps it was because Rafe was the youngest.
He knew from his own son just how hard it was for the one at the tail end to prove himself.
"As I have a great deal of experience in the shipping business, perhaps I could lend you hand,"
Rafe suggested.
Joseph was still sitting at the table. Rafe's back was to him. As his son realized what he was doing, his eyebrows danced and he smiled. Ben smiled too.
The curly-haired man rose slowly and came to stand beside him. "You know," Joe said, facing Rafe, "facts and figures have never been my strong suit. I'm sure Pa would benefit from your expertise."
If it was possible for Rafe's chest to puff out any farther, it did. Ben was sure, at last, that it had reached its limits.
Joseph ran a hand through his hair, trying to tame the tangled silver-gray mass and failing. "I think I'll just go out to the barn, Pa. I'd like to see Cochise. He's an old friend and I've been neglecting him."
A sign of life, he thought.
At last.
"You go ahead. Rafe and I will spend a half hour or so on the books and then we'll have desert."
Bella was watching the three of them and frowning. He could tell she knew he was up to something. Ben cleared his throat, scratched his chin, and inclined his head toward Joseph who was struggling to pull his coat on over his wounded shoulder. For a moment, her frown deepened. Then Bella grinned and nodded.
Hop Sing reappeared at the precise moment he needed him – as usual. The Chinese man had been observing their interaction. After glancing at Joseph who was walking out the door, Hop Sing went to Bella and asked, "Missy Bella go with Hop Sing into kitchen? Help get dessert ready?"
Bella's eyes were still on him. Ben nodded, imperceptibly.
When he had first met her, Bella Carnaby had been a little girl with imps in her eyes.
They were back.
"I would love to, Hop Sing!" she exclaimed. "You two take your time, Mister Ben. I am sure you will be amazed by the knowledge Rafe possesses."
He'd been wrong. The man was capable of puffing his chest outeven further.
As Ben turned toward his desk, he breathed a sigh of relief. For a moment there, he'd thought Bella wasn't going to figure it out.
Apparently she had forgotten the kitchen had its own door.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Joe was still grumbling as he entered the barn. Just pulling his coat on had about done him in. He was kind of surprised his pa had even let him attempt it – and didn't rush over to help! Joe's lips twisted in a wry grin. Probably because that fancy Dan was in the room.
Pa would have known he wouldn't have wanted to appear weak in front of Rafe.
The smile didn't fade as he thought of his father. It didn't matter whether it was Jamie at seventeen or him, over thirty, Pa still ruled the Ponderosa roost. He gave the orders and all of them jumped. Maybe it was some kind of character flaw in him that he didn't exert himself more and insist on his own way. When he thought back to Adam at his age, he remembered a man who'd always had his own opinion and locked horns with Pa more often that not. It was why Adam had gone away, he was sure – to be his own man. Hoss hadn't balked at Pa's command or his care. His giant of a brother had been possessed of a quiet simple way of doing things when and where he wanted to and, for the most part, Pa seemed to take that in stride. With him, it had always been, well, like Pa thought he needed to be both his pa and his ma. Pa'd kept him roped in, and though he'd champed at the bit for more years than he could remember, here he was still in the corral. Truth to tell, he could have set off on his own at any time. Pa wouldn't have stopped him. But that was the problem.
He didn't want to be on his own.
When Joe thought about it, he'd never been alone. There had always been someone else there. At first it was his ma and when she died, Hop Sing, along with his pa and brothers. When Adam left, there had still been Pa and Hoss, and then Candy had moseyed along and become almost another brother. Then there was Jamie. When he'd finally chosen to strike out on his own – to marry and build his own house – there had been Alice.
Joe halted just inside the barn. He wondered if he was capable of living on his own. What would he do if there was no one to talk to? Nothing to do?
He snorted. Go stir crazy probably.
Maybe that's why he was crazy.
Cochise shifted in response to his entry and nickered a greeting as he approached. His old friend was getting on in years, just like he was. They'd been through a lot together and these days he often chose other animals when it came to the hard and fast riding. Still, there was a bond between them that went almost past reason. Joe patted his friend's neck and began to brush him using his right hand. He'd been at it about ten minutes when his energy suddenly gave out and he found he needed to sit down. Parking the brush where it belonged, Joe moved into the center of the barn and sank down on a bale of hay. He closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. He felt old as dirt. Pa might have thirty or more years on him, but he still had a spark in his eye and a spring in his step. His were gone.
Just...gone.
He'd been sitting there sometime when he heard it – that swishing that reminded him of his ma.
Joe didn't know how he missed it. She must have moved quiet as an Apache. It wasn't a second later he felt Bella's hand on his shoulder. She stood silently by for a moment and then sat on the bale to his right and laid her head on his good shoulder.
He almost choked, but he managed to ask, "You mean Rafe let you out of his sight?"
Joe hadn't missed the other man's attentions to her. Rafe possessed a lot of things – money, status, ships, and a fair dose of conceit. It was obvious he wanted to possess Bella as well.
She drew in a long breath and let it out in a sigh. "He thinks he loves me."
Joe thought a moment. It seemed an odd thing to say, but he knew it was true. "I imagine he does."
Her head jerked up. She glared at him. "Joe Cartwright! If you think for one minute that I would have anything to do with that – that popinjay! – then you have another think coming! That man is one of the most irritating, obnoxious, idiotic asses I have ever –"
She stopped suddenly. He was laughing.
Bella's jaw was tight. Her eyes teared. "You're making fun of me!"
As she stood up to flee, he caught her hand. "Bella, you didn't hear me right."
When she turned back, her jaw was set. Her deep blue eyes were narrowed and her nostrils flaring. She looked kind of like a bull ready to make a killing charge.
"I said Rafe was in love with you, not that you were in love with him." Joe paused. "How could any man know you and not be in love with you?"
She blinked back tears but didn't move.
After a moment he asked, "Will you please sit down? It's making my shoulder hurt to keep you roped."
Bella's eyes went wide. "Oh, Joe! I'm sorry!"
"Don't be sorry, just sit down."
As she did as he asked, Joe shifted on the bale so he was facing her. He studied her for a moment. The last time he'd seen Bella, other than in a ferrotype, she'd been eighteen and innocent. Life hadn't levied its punishment yet for making it through the years. She'd been like a spring morning, fine-looking, vivacious, and full of a restive energy that bubbled over with chatter and a childlike joy. She was slightly heavier now. Her thin boyish frame had added the pounds in just the right places. The spring morning was there, but it was giving way to summer. She'd matured like a rosebud that had opened to reveal the full color and splendor of what it was to become.
"How are you, Bella?" he asked quietly.
She hesitated. "How are you?"
Joe shook his head. "You first."
Bella's lips twisted as they had when she was a little girl holding that rifle on him and staring at him along its sight. She puffed out a little breath. Finally, she said, "Miserable."
He blinked. It wasn't the answer he had expected. "Miserable?"
She looked at her hands. "I was a fool."
Joe caught her chin in his fingers and lifted her head. When her eyes finally met his, he said, "You could never be a fool."
Bella's small hand covered his. "Yes, I was. I ran. I ran from you, Joe. I was so afraid I would lose you that I was afraid to have you – to commit to loving you!" Her fingers moved to his face. "I have regretted it every hour, every second since then."
He was growing uncomfortable. "Bella, I can't... I can't love you in that way. Not after..." He sucked in air. "Not after what happened."
She batted her lashes. Tears rolled down her cheeks. "Why? Because you're afraid?" She took his hands in her own and pressed them hard. "Joe, if I have learned one thing, it is that we have to take the moment we are given. We can't base what we do on what may be, only on what is." She held his gaze. "If someone said to you, I can take away your pain, but you won't remember the happiness you had, would you do it? Would you choose to erase Alice from your memory? To forget all that you had together?"
At first he meant to say 'yes', but then images began to flood his mind, not images of Alice dying or of the child he had lost, but of that shy smile his wife had, of the way she looked at him; of the joy she had felt when she told him she was with child. He remembered sitting by her in the meadow, talking about their future and her past, knowing that he was rescuing her, bringing joy to her by loving her, and that she was rescuing him too from a life alone.
He didn't want to be alone.
Slowly, he admitted. "No. No, I wouldn't want to forget her, even if it meant there would be no more pain."
She nodded. "It's the same with Michael. Oh, I didn't love him like I love you." Bella beamed. "And I do love you. But I loved him, I guess, like a second father. Michael took care of me and my family. I was truly sad when he died." She paused. An odd look flickered across her face. "Can I tell you something?"
"Anything," he said.
"Once, after Michael and I made love..." Her eyes flicked to him to make certain it was all right to go on. He nodded. "I was laying in his arms and he said, 'Tell me about him.' " Bella bit her lip. "I said, 'About who?' And you know what he said, Joe?"
He did, but he said he didn't.
"Michael said, 'Tell me, child, about the man you love.' " She smiled at him through her tears. "And so I told him. I told him about handsome Joe Cartwright with his chestnut-brown hair and emerald eyes, with his high-pitched giggle and fiery temper. Joe Cartwright whom I had met when my parents pulled him bound and beaten out of that burning building. I told him about Joe Cartwright who was my one true love – who had to be since Josie and the moon and that yellow flower said so. I told Michael about coming to visit you and knowing I was going to marry you, and then..." She swallowed. "Then I told him about Fleet Rowse and how scared I was that you were going to die, and how I ran..."
Joe said nothing for a moment. "I'm sorry I never met him," he said at last. "He sounds like a good man. I'm glad he found you and you found him."
Bella was holding his hands tightly. She looked into his eyes. "On his deathbed Michael told me to find you. He told me..." She straightened up. "He told me I would be a fool if I let you go again, and you would be a bigger fool if you let me go."
Joe knew when he was beaten.
He laughed and shook his head. "Bella, you know what? You're a force of nature. There's no stopping you."
Bella scooted in closer to him. "So," she asked softly, "do I go in the house and tell Rafe Ashton that Joe Cartwright is a fool?"
Joe hesitated only a moment. He shifted slightly, easing the pain in his back, and then drew her into his arms. And then, with a passion he thought lost, a fire that he thought had been consumed and gone out forever, he kissed her.
Joe ran his hand along her face and stared into those wide dark blue eyes.
"I love you, Bella," he said. Then he added, with a smile, "It's been four or five years. Did you ever find that other feller?"
She shook her head. "Nope."
"So," he asked with a shy grin, "you think you might want to marry me some day?"
Bella drew in a breath. "Well, I'd have to think about it."
She caught him off guard. "You...what?"
Her laughter was a balm to his soul.
"Idiot."
Then she kissed him back.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Ben had just stepped out onto the porch to look for his son when he saw Bella and Joe coming hand in hand from the barn. A sense of movement in the shadows behind them caught his attention, but he put it down to the autumn wind that was rising, to a branch shifting and casting odd shadows. It looked as if winter might, after all, be on its way.
'No', he thought, a smile breaking on his face as he turned his attention to the pair. Life was beginning again.
It must be spring.
Ben glanced behind and shook his head. He'd finally managed to free himself from Rafe Ashton and his ideas. Well, no, that wasn't the right word for it either. He'd been rescued. Rafe had headed for the kitchen looking for Bella, remarking as he went that he had never known it to take anyone so long to prepare dessert. The last half hour had been one of the most tiring and exasperating he had ever spent. Though, from the looks of the pair approaching him, it had been worth it. He'd waited from the man from the city to return but instead it had been Hop Sing.
"'Mister Rafe busy." The man from China made a shooing motion. "You go find Little Joe and Missy Bella."
When Hop Sing told him what he'd done, Ben had bellowed until the rafters shook.
Before he could say anything to Joe or Bella, the door behind him opened. It was with relief that he saw Bella's young brother standing there.
"Is everything in order?" the older man asked with a wry smile.
"I don't know, Mister Cartwright," Benjamin said with a shake of his head. "I don't think your larder's ever gonna be the same.
Hop Sing had Rafe trapped in the kitchen. Their cook had played into Ashton's prejudice by pretending he was too stupid to open the lock on the larder. When Rafe did it for him, he asked the man from the city to get something for him from a tall shelf he couldn't reach and then, after he stepped in, locked the door behind him.
Benjamin came to a halt beside him. "You think those two are going to be okay?" he asked, his concern for his sister obvious.
The older man shot him a look. "What do you think?"
The boy shifted uncomfortably. He shrugged and then a grin broke across his face. "I don't want to lose my sister, but you know what? I think she's home at last."
Ben nodded as he turned back to face his son. Joseph was pale. He was leaning heavily on Bella. Letting him out of the house had been dubious wisdom at best. Still, there was something about him – about the way Joseph held his body, about the look out of his eyes, that said – at last – he had chosen to live.
"And what have you two been up to?" Ben asked, hiding his smile.
Joe glanced at Bella and then met his gaze. "Just catchin' up, Pa."
"Catching up?" He kept his tone stern.
"Yeah." Joe pulled Bella a little closer. Her arms went around his waist. She was smiling. "Seems Bella never really found herself another feller. You taught me right, Pa. I made her a promise and I've gotta keep it."
He remembered that day so long ago when his young son, charmed by the endless chatter and enthusiasm of an eleven-year-old Bella Carnaby, had promised her that one day they would marry. He'd warned him then that, to her, it was a solemn promise and that, if he didn't mean to keep it, he needed to make that clear to her. Joseph had tried and failed. Bella had been in love with his son from the moment they met. His son had fallen for her on her second visit, but then it had been Bella who, terrified by events, had put an end to it. Bella who had run.
Bella Carnaby Ashton, who had come back.
A lot stood between them. Bella was no longer that little mischievous girl. She had married for all the wrong reasons and had buried the man who took her in and loved her even though he knew she didn't love him. Joseph had lost his brother, Alice and his child, and been tortured by William Tanner. There was a lot of healing to do, but it would happen now.
It would happen because neither one of them was alone.
As they reached the porch, Bella kissed his son on the cheek and then looked at him. "I have something I need to do, Mister Ben. Can you watch Joe for me?"
His son scowled. "I don't need watching."
The blonde woman turned, hands on hips, and faced him. "I know you, Joe Cartwright. You're about to fall down and you're just too stubborn to admit it! You need to go inside by the fire and get warm."
Joe favored him with a look. "Pa, aren't you going to rescue me?"
Ben shook his head. "I think you are in quite capable hands."
Joe had taken hold of the rail and was stepping onto the porch. As Bella passed him, aimed at the door, she paused to listen.
"What's that?" she asked.
A long string of Cantonese. A high-pitched whine and a string of words that would have made a sailor blush.
"I think Rafe and Hop Sing are getting to know one another," he said dryly.
Bella giggled. She looked at his son and smiled. "Back in a second!"
As Bella disappeared into the house, Ben moved forward to take hold of Joseph's good arm. His son glanced at him, defiant, and then relented and let him lead him into the house and to the settee where he practically fell into its soft embrace.
Bella was nowhere to be seen.
"Where do you suppose she went?" Joe asked, truly puzzled.
The older man shrugged. "You have a lot to learn about women if you expect to know."
Joe was silent a minute. "Well," he said at last, his voice soft, "I guess being a confirmed bachelor ain't in my future."
"Isn't."
His son looked at him. Then he laughed. "Ain't."
At that moment Bella reappeared. She came down the stairs slowly, her eyes on Joe, and then went to sit beside him on the settee. Ben felt like he was intruding.
"Perhaps I should go rescue Rafe," he suggested.
"It's okay, Pa," Joe said, his eyes on Bella. "We're family."
Bella drew a breath. She hesitated and then started to speak. "Someone is missing. Someone I wish could have shared this with us."
Ben frowned. He glanced at Joe. Neither of them had any idea where she was going with this.
Bella held her hand out and opened it. In it was a small ring made of silver paper. It was tarnished and rumpled, but he knew what it was. When Bella had come to the Ponderosa some eight years before, Hoss had been alive. It was he who had opened the envelope telling them that Bella was on her way to see them. It was Hoss who had pocketed the small silver ring meant for Joe that had fallen out of the envelope and kept it until Fleet Rowse was captured and no longer a threat to the pair before him. Hoss who had returned it to Bella before she left. Apparently, she'd kept it all these years.
Tears fell down her cheeks as she held the ring out to his son. Joseph took it. He slipped it on her finger and asked, "Bella Carnaby, will you marry me?"
Ben turned away with tears in his eyes as the pair kissed and went to free what he knew was going to be one irate city slicker.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Outside the Ponderosa ranch house a figure stirred. The tall powerful man left area of the porch and returned to the shadows beside the barn. Joe Cartwright and his woman had been so busy looking at each other as the walked across the yard that they'd failed to see him. Ben Cartwright had missed him too.
The old man was going to regret that.
You see, he'd been listening. It looked like Joe Cartwright's life was going to go on bein' charmed. He'd lost his woman, but now he had another even prettier one. In spite of everything the golden boy was going to have his golden life with everything he wanted.
In a pig's eye.
The man drew a breath and held it as he looked around the yard. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he was going to do something. Something big. Since his life had been ruined, he sure as Hell was going to ruin the life of the man who had done it to him.
He'd already tried once and failed. He'd thought Joe Cartwright was on that cattle drive when he fired his pistol and sent the steers running. He'd hoped they'd run over him and crush the life out of him like Cartwright had crushed his hopes when he got him fired. He wasn't a coward. He'd have been just as happy to snap the man's spine with his bare hands, but snapping a man's spine meant a noose around your neck.
A stampede. An accident at a logging camp. A fall from a horse or maybe, just maybe, a house burning down. No one could blame you for that. It was just bad luck.
Joe Cartwright seemed to have that in spades as well.