AN: Also wrote this chapter on my phone while on a plane. It must be a trend. Idunno. Enjoy and review! Also, I'm gonna try to end chapters with an expletive.

First thing's first: life in a fictional - well, not anymore, I guess - world of ninjas is extremely boring, and dull. Seriously, how the hell did anyone ever survive without wifi?

That being said, I only had one thing to keep me entertained in this technologically impaired world: training. The other children my age were too immature to hold conversations with and the adults - people my mental age - saw me as too immature to hold conversations with. Life is bitter. Always.

Anyway, let me give you the rundown of my first three years as the future boogeyman of the shinobi world. I spent the first two years of my life developing my motor skills and a majority of my third year deciphering the strange mixture of kanji and Sanskrit that constituted the written language of this world. I'm very, very proud to say that it only took me about 8 months to get the basics. Supportive lessons from my amazing new mother and equally amazing, if not a bit creepy, new father facilitated this process exponentially.

As I predicted, my rapid mental and physical growth earned me the label of prodigy. However, I couldn't help but feel a little chested. Having over 30 years of life experience as a baby really made learning "new" things a lot less exciting.

Once I turned four, I expressed, as obnoxiously and obviously as possible, my interest in fuinjutsu. It was always my favorite aspect of the Naruro universe. I mean, an ability limited only by your own knowledge and imagination is quite possibly the most broken ability ever. Of all time.

Thankfully, my father noticed this and acquired, for my sake, several scrolls covering the basics of the art of sealing. My mother, who was a bit more constant in my life than my father, who was almost always on missions, took a more hands-on approach. She personally tutored me, to the best of her admittedly impressive ability, in the various intricacies of calligraphy.

Finally, the year spent taking traditional art classes in college paid off.

Unfortunately, my mother cared a bit too much for my physical wellbeing and refused to spar with me.

Fortunately, my father cared way too much about making me happy and often sneaked me away from home to some secluded training ground to teach me his personal taijutsu style, which was basically just a less developed version of the style employed by the Orochimaru of the manga and Anko.

However, within everything that my father did for me, there was one thing that stood out beyond all others. He taught me the secrets of chakra. He showed me the basics of harnessing and molding it and introduced me to one of the greatest feelings of all time, the feeling of pure strength, the complete lack of powerlessness that the active flow of chakra introduced to my body.

It was maddening, awe-inducing, and comforting all at the same time. I had to know more, no. I NEEDED to know more. And so, I began to experiment. I instinctually learned to have a near perfect control of the chakra in my body, no doubt a byproduct of being born in the already prodigal body of Orochimaru. With that knowledge, I was able to change the rate and concentration of chakra flowing to different muscles and organs.

I learned that the humans, or more specifically the ninja of this world had one major physiological difference to the average human of my original world.

Chakra, a peculiar mixture physical-kinetic-energy and spiritual energy. Still figuring out what the "real world" equivalent of the spiritual energy is. Willpower? Mental fortitude? Non-material? Whatever. What matters is that I had enough of both to experiment with, even in my early years.

With this potent mixture of energy, I learned that increasing the flow of chakra to a certain organ system increased it's efficiency to an inhuman degree. When I sent a steady, dense wave of chakra through my digestive system right after eating, I was able to process the nutrients of and break down the food that I ate in a measly half and hour, a small fraction of the rough 2 to 3 hours that it would normally take. Also, note to self, make sure to have a toilet or trash can nearby and ready when testing with bodily function enhancements.

On the opposite end of chakra manipulation, when I decreased the flow of chakra through my circulatory system, I was able to make my heart slow to the point that my heart rate was pretty much infinitesimally above zero. Second note: be sure to tell parents when experimenting with vital organ systems. My mom nearly had a heart attack when she got home from a mission to find me sprawled on the floor with a nearly undetectable heartbeat. Whoops.

Anyways, the next two years of my life were a pocket of research-filled bliss, which was cut short on my sixth birthday.

On my sixth birthday, the usually sunny village of Konoha decided that it needed a change of pace and blanketed itself with a thick cover of clouds. On my sixth birthday, I was assigned to a new sensei who went by the name of Hirizen Sarutobi. On my sixth birthday, I was left alone in an empty house that was big enough for three people. On my sixth birthday, my parents were killed.

Like I said earlier, life is bitter. Always.

Standing over my parents' graves this time around was a lot more depressing than it was in my previous life. Probably because these parents actually cared enough to be actively involved in my life.

I stared blankly at the gravestones, which were little more than etched rocks shoved into the dirt.

/Yashagoro and Emi, no clan name, proud shinobi of Konohagakure./

A large, calloused hand rested gently on my right shoulder. I looked up to see a young third Hokage looking sympathetically down at me.

"It's ok to cry, you know."

I just shook my head and continued to stare numbly at the two rocks that represented my parents. He then proceeded to point out the white snakeskin and talked about longevity and adaptation, just like in the manga.

I can see why the original Orochimaru became so fixated on the idea of living forever. Sarutobi really was a good speaker.

The next week, I was introduced to the other two members of Team Sarutobi. A young girl with blonde hair pulled into a messy, yet somehow elegant, ponytail and a young boy with a shaggy head of white hair. Tsunade Senju and Jiraiya. The Slug Princess and the Great Toad Sage. Two thirds of the legendary Sannin. Unfortunately, they had not earned any of those titles yet. Right now, they were just two kids who were my two teammates. One was a stuck-up princess and the other was an obnoxious, immature joker. We sat in a row in front of our sensei as we did our introductions, the same introduction that every sensei and team seemed to do in this village.

"My name is Hiruzen Sarutobi. You may call me Sarutobi-sensei. I like learning new things and teaching youngsters like yourselves. I dislike ignorance and needless cruelty. My immediate goal is to mold you guys into proud ninja of Konohagakure. My overall goal is to ensure the the Will of Fire stays strong and is passed down to future generations. Now, your turn, Tsunade-hime."

She coughed once, very regally, before talking.

"I am Tsunade Senju, heiress of the noble Senju clan. I like my grandfather, my little brother, and gambling with my grandfather. I dislike bad luck and drunks. My dream is to revolutionize iryo ninjutsu and start a field medic program."

I held back a snicker at her dislikes. Tsunade the old drunk was essentially the bane of her younger self. It's crazy what losing everything she loved could do to her. Scary even. That makes me kind of glad that I don't have any connections or bonds as strong as hers.

Sarutobi smiled.

"A strong dream, Tsunade-hime. Make sure not to let go, and you will go far."

Ha. Says the one that ultimately stopped her from achieving her dreams.

"Jiraiya, why don't you go next?"

The white-haired boy grinned and laughed before assuming a strange pose.

Oh god. No. There's no way he was like that this early on.

"I'm surprised you haven't heard of me already. I'm the man whose name echoes all the way from the harsh sands of Suna to the foggy shores of Kiri. I'm-"

I chose then to cut him off.

"The dead last of the academy and a barely passable graduate. You are Jiraiya, a future ninja legend, due to your being on the same team as me."

He scowled at me and looked ready to kill me.. I smirked inwardly before continuing. Time to have a bit of fun.

"Also, you are an incorrigible pervert and an overdramatic child, who still has a log way to go before becoming a man of any caliber."

"Who the hell do you think you are?!" he growled, pouncing at me. This was so cute. The mini-Sannin, the cutest group of legendary ninja... And me. I sidestepped his fist and tapped him on the back of the head. I can't wait for him to get stronger and become the badass Jiraiya that we all know and love.

A glanced over at Sarutobi, who looked back at me expectantly.

"I am Orochinaru, no last name. Up until now, I was homeschooled, so it would make sense for you guys not to have heard of me. If I were to choose one thing to like, it would have to be chakra. If not that, then calligraphy. I dislike being bored and doing nothing. My dream, no, my purpose in life, is to fully unravel the secrets of chakra and gain a full understanding of the human body. Please take care of me."

Sarutobi clapped once before standing back up.

"Good, now that we all know each other, we can begin the final test. I have many responsibilities and I need to make sure you guys are worth my time. I came up with this last night. I call it the-"

Here it comes. The dreaded-

"Bell test. Allow me to explain."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out two small bells.

"Your goal is to obtain one of these two bells for yourself."

"That's not fair! There's only two bells for three of us. What happens to the one of us that doesn't get a bell?" Jiraiya yelled angrily.

"The one of you that fails will be dropped from the shinobi forces overall. Our village is recovering from a war. We have no time for weak fighters in our forces."

"This is bullshit," the future toad sage grumbled, crossing his arms. The Third God of Shinobi simply laughed in response.

"As I was saying. You have until the clock runs out to get a bell. You test... starts..."

He paused and pulled out an old-fashioned alarm clock and cranked it several times. He placed it on the middle log, right next to my head.

"Now."

I wrapped my arms around my two future teammates and jumped off into the the surrounding forest. The two of them kicked off of me right when we landed.

"What's the big idea, Mr. Prodigy?" Jiraiya angrily whispered at me.

"Yeah, trying to get rid of us before the test even begins?" The heiress added on.

I sighed. Dammit. Forgot that they were children... Also, why the hell were they two years older than me? I thought the Sannin were all the same age. What kind of bullshit is this?

I sighed.

"No. I have a plan, for all of us. We need to work together to accomplish anything against Sarutobi-sensei. He's a legendary ninja and one of Nidaime-sama's greatest students."

"If we work together, what are we going to do about the two bells?" Tsunade, ever the voice of reason interjected.

I shrugged. It didn't matter to me. I knew how this story went.

"Then you two can have them. I don't really need to be a ninja to study chakra."

That, and not being a ninja would increase my life expectancy at least tenfold.

"You'd really do that? Even for me?"

Jiraiya began to tear up.

Oh god. Please, no.

Without another word, the larger boy leapt towards me, wrapped his arms around me, and hoisted me off the ground with a twirl.

Dammit.

I quickly pushed him off of me, already feeling a blush creep up onto my pale cheeks.

"I mean, yeah. You two would be better as field ninja than me. I can just join the medical corps, or R&D."

My lies impressed even myself. I mean, I was pulling these alternatives out of my ass. I didn't even know if these divisions even existed yet. What ever. It didn't matter. The chances of the three of us not becoming field ninja were literally nonexistent.

"Now, here's what we're gonna do," I began as they huddled closer to me.

XxxxxxxX

As I planned, none of us ended up being tied up to any logs. Instead, each of us were stood on a log, with Sarutobi standing opposite to us and grinning proudly.

"You three have really impressed me with your teamwork."

Jiraiya grinned unabashedly. Tsunade, smiled brightly, with her hands on her hips. I even allowed a small smirk to sneak onto my face.

It's official. Team Sarutobi, the Sannin, are undoubtedly the greatest team ever, thanks to me, of course.

"However, the three of you still have a lot to work on. Jiraiya, your style is very sloppy and unrefined. Your unpredictability is a good trait, but it will only get you so far. Tsunade, you are very well rounded combat wise, but your punches, while backed with good technique, lack the adequate amount force to cause any real damage."

Tsunade scowled at this.

Oh god. It was his fault. He was the driving force between that woman's monstrous punches.

Damn you Old Man.

"Finally, Orochimaru..."

I straightened up and looked directly at him. I had a lot of shit to work on. I know.

"I would like to start off by congratulating you on finding out the real purpose of this test. Your plan was flawless, and if I were any less skilled, I may have even been defeated by you three. You could try to be more involved in the fight next time, but other than that, good job. You'll go far. I'm sure of this," he finished with a bright smile. "Team Hiruzen, dismissed."

With that parting order, the Sandaime disappeared in a swirl of leaves, leaving the three of us alone in the mostly destroyed training ground.

"So..." Jiraiya began, trailing off.

"We need to build some type of bond between us. Jiraiya and I barely talked in the academy and today was our first time meeting you, Orochimaru," Tsunade cut in, her inner diplomat coming out to take charge. "Any ideas?"

I glanced around at our current states. All of our clothes were ripped and covered in dirt and soot. Jiraiya's snowy hair was practically dyed brown, and Tsunade's elegant ponytail had been undone and matted her shoulders in messy clumps. My own hair was no better; my black, silky hair that I had grown out to appease my mother was now a tangled mess with various singed ends.

"Maybe we should wash up first?" I answered, feeling uncomfortable in the sticky battle hakama plastered to my skin.

"But where should we meet up? I'm still living at the orphanage," Jiraiya said. "And I don't think the matron would like it getting any more crowded, no offense."

"My house is... Not ready for guests at the moment," I said, thinking of my notes of the Naruro timeline scattered throughout my empty house.

The two of us both looked expectantly at Tsunade, who seemed to blush a bit.

"I guess there's nothing wrong with you guys coming over to the Compound. Just don't talk to my grandfather too much. He's a bit... much," she finally said before huffing and leaving the clearing.

"Well, I guess I'll see you there, Orochi-kun," Jiraiya called out, running away before I could show my displeasure at the new nickname.

XxxxxX

An hour later, I had changed into a more casual outfit consisting of blue hakama and black pants. God, I can't wait until more Western styled outfits were introduced to society. All this traditional stuff is too uncomfortable.

As I approached the compound and saw Jiraiya standing outside. He saw me and waved me over. When I reached the entrance, he draped his arm over my shoulder. God damn he was heavy.

"And this is Orochi-kun, I mean, Orochimaru. He's here to see Tsunade-hime with me.

I glared at him and shook myself out of his one-armed embrace before following our escort towards the biggest house of the compound.

At the door, I was greeted by a man with long, graying hair, dressed in the traditional Hokage robes. This was the God of Shinobi, a living legend, who, even out of his prime, was one of the strongest people in all of the elemental nations.

"Ah, you guys must be Tsu-chan's teammates. I'm sure you already know, but my name is Hashirama Senju, and I'm her grandfather," he said, standing up to his full height, towering over both of us. Jiraiya seemed ready to wet his pants from awe, while I felt content to just study the man. "Tsu-chan is finishing up in the shower right now, but would you like to look through some family albums in the meantime? I have hundreds, if not thousands of baby photos of my beloved granddaughter to show you!"

With the speed and grace of a much younger man, the First Hokage bounded across the room.

So this was the God of Shinobi in person. His charisma was much, much more evident beyond the pages of a book. His presence was so imposing, making it nearly impossible to ignore him. He was a true successor to the Sage, or Asura or however that reincarnation thing works. He was-

"Goddammit, gramps! Stop embarrassing me."

Hashirama collapsed to the ground, the cloud of depression hanging over his head almost palpable.

-a total manchild.

"Tsu-chan, please. I just wanted to-"

Tsunade growled again, making the God sink further into his depression.

This is what constitutes as the Strongest Shinobi. Really? Honestly, I feel like all those theories about the ratio of power to sanity in the Naruto universe was true after all.

"Hey guys," Tsunade greeted, casually holding up a hand. "We're in private grounds, so I can be a bit more lax now. Feel free to act the same."

I hummed in affirmation, used to the shift from snobby to casual from on of my long-time exes in my old life. I walked over to the nearest table, glancing at the fuinjutsu notes scattered about. This must be...

"Oh, Orochimaru. Those are my grandmother's fuinjutsu notes. I wouldn't bother with them. They're boring as hell."

Boring as hell? Was this girl daft? These notes were a veritable goldmine of knowledge. Uzumaki seals were supposed to be the greatest and most revolutionary in all of the elemental nations. I didn't bother to follow her and Jiraiya as they went off with Hashirama to who knows where.

I looked back down at the seal. I knew this seal... It looked so similar to one from the manga. It looked like Naruto's.

A seal made to contain a biju.

But it seemed off. Some of characters were either out of place or just plain wrong. It focused too much on trying to filter the malevolence of the chakra and not enough on actually sorting through the unique yin to yang ratio of the biju's chakra. That was it. It was made with incorrect knowledge about the biju.

This seal treated the chakra of a biju as some sort of otherworldly energy. But that wasn't right. If my memory of the manga is correct - and it is - the biju chakra was basically a denser, purer variety of chakra, as it was made from remnants of the Juubi's chakra. The "taint" that everyone worried about was obviously the unique sentience that the foreign chakra possessed, just like the variety from Orochimaru's - my - curse seal.

Absentmindedly, I pulled out a blank scroll and began to copy down Naruto's seal from memory.

It must have been the inner Orochimaru in me wanting to either show off, experiment, or something like that. I added this to the growing list of things of this world to take note of and work on. Wouldn't want to actually become Orochimaru, after all.

I was jolted from my notes when I felt a very powerful and potent source of chakra hovering over my shoulder. I slid my hand into the folds of my robes and pulled out a kunai.

Before I could make contact with my possible assailant, I was stopped by a very solid, yet somehow ethereal binding, which seemed to stimy both my physical and chakra-based strength. Shakily, I looked over my shoulder.

A golden chain, blazing with unrestrained energy was wrapped several times around my forearm.

My gaze wandered over to the chain before it ended on the conjurer. Standing behind me, with a gentle smile that was really anything but, was a woman with graying red hair, tied up in twin buns with two intricate sealing tags hanging off of them. This was the first Jinjuuriki of the Kyuubi, the only woman to actually manhandle both of the great Senju brothers as well as Tsunade. She was Uzumaki Mito, and she just caught me doing what could only be described as copying her private notes.

The chains faded, but were replaced with an even firmer grip on my shoulder. Her smile widened.

Shit.