Well, Team Hiruzen officially lasted 4 years as a genin unit under Elite Jonin and Hokage Hiruzen Sarutobi. I guess one of the many perks of having the Hokage as your mentor means that he can give out field promotions like it's nobody's business. Anyways, the three of us are chunin, quite possibly the youngest chunin squad in Konoha's current forces.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to go back on my previous declaration of making Team Hiruzen the best, since Team Hiruzen has now been replaced, much to Jiraiya's chagrin, with Team Tsunade. His whines were said to be so pitiful that they fended off the contingency of Kumo spies poking at our border, since their cover was blown by the giggles that escaped from their general vicinity. He'll just have to deal with it until Hanzo gives us our new name, whenever that is. 10 years living in this universe and I still have no clue how all of the flashbacks melded together.

Our promotions also lead to us splitting off into our different career paths, with Tsunade pursuing a future in iryo ninjutsu and taijutsu, Jiraiya already making use of his inhuman durability and creativity in offensive ninjutsu, and finally me going into the least combat-oriented field of jutsu and fuinjutsu research and development. I mean, sure I was all but living in the same compound as Tsunade with Mito forcibly evicting me from my parents' home since my living on the opposite side of the village gave her "too much of an inconvenience for someone of her stature."

Spoiled brat.

Anyways, I guess I had finally reached the point of the Naruto universe in which Hashirama's age was finally catching up to him – a fact that other villages surely took note of, based on the would-be assassins found dead, killed by our villages new seal-based defenses.

So, one could imagine my surprise when I returned to the compound from a bimonthly team dinner with Tsunade and Jiraiya to find that the guards scattered around the entrance with their chests ripped open. All things considered, it was pretty fucking gross.

I felt Tsunade tense beside me. She was probably a lot closer to those guys than I was anyways. I walked forward, trying to ignore the fact that she had yet to make a move.

"Tsunade, go check on Nawaki and your parents," I snapped, finally breaking the silence. "I'll go see if the Old Man's still kicking."

Of course, I already knew that he was still fighting, based on the burst of extremely powerful nature chakra flowing from the forests around the compound. I sighed to myself when I felt Tsunade's chakra disappear towards the concentration of chakra opposite to the raging fight in the forest. I should've taken account Hashirama's "protagonist luck" when designing the defenses of the compound with Mito-sensei.

What I saw in the forest was nothing short of awe-inspiring. The ground was torn asunder by unnaturally grown trees that created a splintery lattice of branches that impeded most outside involvement. Fortunately, I existed outside of this category. I pressed my middle and ring finger to the butt of my palm, triggering the storage seal planted there. With a miniscule burst of chakra – which I will have to work on eliminating – a short, double-edged jian appeared in my hand. This was the true Ame-no-Murakumo-no-Tsurugi, the divine sword supposedly plundered by the god Susano'o from the corpse of Yamata-no-Orochi.

Of course, this story is mostly bullshit. Personally, I know nothing about the existence of any gods, but this sword was plundered from the corpse of Yamata, who was the first White Snake Sage of the snake summoning clan. The weapon was transferred from one samurai to the next, before its last wielder was killed by a young shinobi, me. Now, all I have to do is find out were Ryūchi Cave is so that I can properly form a contract with the snakes. I'm pretty sure this weapon will gain me a fair amount of brownie points with the chakra using ophidian. Until then, I'll have to keep this weapon a secret.

Back to my quest to intrude on a fight that is most likely out of my league. I pumped a small amount of chakra into the sword, making it extend and shatter the branches in my path. I continued through the forest until I reached the edge of the clearing that contained the clashing chakra signatures. Hashirama was at one end of the clearing, wearing his traditional red armor and his sage-mode employed. Opposite to him stood a giant of a man with tan skin and what stiches all over his bare chest. This was Kakuzu, the Zombie of Taki, who apparently already had access to jiongu.

The two shinobi legends paused their fight to see what poor soul had intruded on their clash. Hashirama looked at me with a scared expression, while Kakuzu looked annoyed at the interruption. He mumbled something at Hashirama, who didn't have time to react as the Zombie dashed away from him and towards me.

I'd have to thank Hashirama and Mito for the asinine "games" that they put me through for the last 4 years, since the reaction speed gained from them are probably the only thing to have saved my life. I called forth Ame-no-Murakumo again, which I noted to myself to start referring to as Kusanagi, and stabbed it into the ground. I pushed a large amount of chakra into it, making it expand exceptionally quickly, propelling me into the sky and away from the explosion of dirt that Kakuzu caused with one punch. Within a blink of my eye, the Taki Shinobi was already halfway up the length of my blade, his fist cocked back for another vicious punch. Fortunately, Hashirama regained his senses and wrapped at least a thousand branches around the assassin's body, impeding his attempt at taking my life.

Without another thought, I frantically pushed more chakra into the blade, fueled by the intent to shrink. The legendary weapon lived up to its status by responding to my command faster than I could process what had happened. I was back on the ground, with arms that felt like they had been ripped from their sockets.

"What are you doing here, Orochimaru?" Hashirama cut in, with a tone more serious than any I had ever heard from him.

"I was just trying to help. Tsunade is already tending to the rest of your clan, so I figured that I could help you with whoever caused that scene at the gates."

"And why would you risk your life so stupidly?"

" I could say the same to you, old man."

Any witty response Hashirama had was cut short by the cracking of wood.

"Alright, you're going to do exactly as I tell you from here on out," Hashirama commanded. "Now jump to your left."

I did so as Hashirama jumped to his right, both of us dodging Kakuzu's descending attack. I glanced over at Hashirama and paled to see that he was no longer in sage mode.

"Do you think you can distract him for a couple seconds, Orochimaru?" I heard Hashirama call from the other side of the dust cloud. I nodded to myself before using a small futon jutsu to clear the dust and dashed towards the enemy Jonin with my arms reinforced with earth chakra.

He obviously wasn't expecting my aggressive maneuvers, as he buckled beneath my punch. I quickly jumped away and saw his strange red and green eyes locked on me, filled with a mix of hatred and confusion.

"That's an interesting technique, boy. Would you like a preview of what the complete version looks like?"

He once again dashed at me, his right hand darkened by the pure concentration of chakra. I once again employed my knock-off version, concentrating them around my hands as well, as I brought my hands up to catch his punch. To both of our astonishment, I was actually able to stop him long enough to pulled back again and summon an entrapment of rocks to hold him in place.

As I expected, he quickly broke out and was once again engaged with an uneven trade of blows with me. I was continually pushed back until I was back at the entrance to the clearing that I had created earlier. I smirked at him, which caused him to growl angrily at me. His anger faded into confusion as he looked down and saw an intricate array of seals that held his feet in place. I fell to my knees due to exhaustion. I barely had time to react to Kakuzu detaching himself from his lower legs as he lunged towards me with a vicious punch.

I pushed as much earth chakra as I could into my left arm and braced for the impact of his punch. He quickly switched tactics and grabbed my wrist. I didn't even have to time to scream as I felt the oddly familiar feeling of losing an arm. My forearm was cleanly torn off by Kakuzu's savage jerk. He grinned down at me with his Glasgow-esque smile and threw my arm to the side. Before he could finish me off, massive barbs of wood exploded from his chest and flung him far into the sky. I had no doubts that he survived that, and was most likely already on his way back to his village to become an exile.

I felt a strong pair of arms pull me up and saw a worried Hashirama looking down at me.

"Didn't you hear me, Orochimaru? I said that I was ready. Why'd you keep fighting him?"

"Guess I was just to into the fight," I slurred back.

Before he could make a mad dash for the compound, I wormed my way out of his grip and gasped in pain as my back hit the ground. There was no way in hell that I would let an entire clan of people see me in such a piteous state.

"No," I said as he reached down to pick me up. "I'll get my arm. You get Tsunade, Jiraiya, Sensei, and Mito. No one else sees."

His eyes softened as he struggled between pragmatism and compassion. Fortunately, he was as compassionate as he was in the manga and disappeared in the direction of the compound. I crawled back through the clearing and saw my mangled arm at the side of the sealing array that had previously trapped Kakuzu. I smirked when I saw that twin mounds of mud had replaced his disembodied legs. I propped myself up against the mud, cradling my dismembered arm to my chest, and applied a stasis seal to my wound to prevent bleeding out. I barely had to wait for 10 seconds, as I felt four very familiar chakra signatures surround me.

"Hey guys," I managed to force out. I grunted in pain as two bodies crash into me.

"AAGGHHH!" I cried out as I felt my crushed ribs being crushed further. "YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M INJURED!?"

Jiraiya had the decency to appear sheepish, while Tsunade simply looked away and stole quick, worried glances when she thought I wasn't paying attention.

An awkward silence blanketed the ruined clearing as the adults observed us brats. This silence was really starting to annoy me.

"So, are you gonna fix me up or not, Tsunade? I don't think I can keep pumping chakra into this seal for much longer," I drawled out, waving my stump around. I was expectedly correct about my self-prognosis, as I felt the flow of my chakra slow significantly, despite my intent.

I grunted as my I experienced the heat of a thousand suns prick at my open wound. Tsunade quickly dropped to her knees, her hands aflame with the soothing, verdant green chakra of whatever that healing hand jutsu is called.

Note to self: learn the basics of iryo ninjutsu.

She stood back up, showing that she had done as much as she could for the moment. I gave her a strained smile and looked at the sad stump jutting from my shoulder. I tightened my grip on the mangled remains of my forearm, trying to remember the bullshit method of limb replacement from the manga. It involved something with Hashirama. Maybe his sage mode mokuton? It was worth a shot.

"Hey, Hashirama," I called out, as Jiraiya helped me onto my feet, steadying me as a wobbled slightly. The aging legend looked over at me, a confused expression on his face. "Wanna help me with an experiment?"

He must have seen the dangerous glint in my eye that apparently showed up when I was going to do something dangerous, because he slowly edged away.

"C'mon, it'll be fine. I'll also need Mito-shishou's help as well. Oh! And a cleaner space to work on. This dirt isn't doing anything good in terms of infections."

Jiraiya grinned and slung me over his shoulder, like a sack of flour. I didn't see a need to complain about the rather indignant position that I found myself in, so I chose to ignore the rude giggling and continue with my instructions.

"Shishou, I need you to place a more powerful stasis seal on this," I said, waving my mangled forearm around. "I can still feel some of my chakra flowing through it and I'd rather not lose such a vital part of my experiment due to my obvious shortcomings in fuinjutsu."

I inwardly smirked at Tsunade's shudder.

"Are you going to tell me more about this 'experiment of yours, or are you going to keep me guessing?" Mito replied snidely as she pulled out some portable chakra-sensitive paper and an inkbrush.

"No, I think it's more fun this way."

She grumbled something about disrespectful brats as she grabbed my detached arm from me angrily.

"Can you not act like your fatal wound is just a joke?" she said angrily as she threw my arm, which I barely caught, back at me.

I groaned at this. Were people in the past so anal about everything? I vaguely remember people moving on from Naruto and Sasuke's prosthetics like they were no big deal.

"It's fine. We're almost at the compound; I can probably start up my experiment now. Hey, Hokage-sama."

Both my sensei and my savior looked over at me with smug looks. I groaned in annoyance again. Geez, these smartasses.

"Fine, Shodaime-sama. Do you think you can draw in some of that nature chakra for me? Also, channel a bit into this."

I threw my arm at the back of his head. To my persisting annoyance, he caught it without looking.

When we entered the compound, it was evident that the First Hokage's latest scuffle was no secret, since a rather large crowd amassed at the nearest entrance from Hashirama's latest forest. How embarrassing.

Sensing my discomfort, my entourage huddled around Jiraiya and me, somewhat hiding me from view. I ignored the urge to vomit as they sped up their pace, making Jiraiya's movements – and by connection, my perception – bounce around more.

Once we were in the room that was usually purposed as Mito's fuinjutsu learning dojo, the aforementioned dojo master sent out a pulse of dense chakra, blocking any potential eavesdroppers.

Jiraiya set me down on the mat, and was promptly pulled to the edge of the room by Hiruzen. I gestured to Mito, who gave my arm back to me. I awkwardly fumbled through my kunai holster strapped to my left leg while clamping the dismembered appendage in my armpit.

Carefully, I shaved off a thin layer of my epidermis, much to my spectators' disgust. I handed the piece of flesh to Hashirama, who was incredibly still maintaining his sage mode and took it calmly.

"Can you please channel your sage chakra into this? Focus on the flesh, and not whatever trees you usually think about."

The Shodaime simply nodded and focused his potent chakra into the slab. To my disappointment, it began to harden and gnarl until a twisted chunk of wood.

Damn. Was it his dna or his chakra? I forgot. Man, I knew I should've cared more about the life-saving bullshit in the manga.

I sighed.

"Well, that was a failure," I grumbled. "I guess I'll just let this thing heal naturally then."

I glared down at the bandaged stump, trying to make it regrow through sheer willpower.

"Sarutobi-sensei. I request medical leave until I find myself back up to field condition."

"Are you sure? No need to strain yourself, Orochi-kun," my teacher responded. "I can just permenantly transfer you to a non-combat division like the Seal Corps with Mito, or Research and Development. I know how much you like your experiment."

I glanced around the room, and scowled. Those stupid fucking pitiful eyes were back. And people wonder why I snapped in my past life.

"No, I'll just have to edit my original plans. Just a bit. I'll just extend my stay in research and development. I'll learn how to form one-handed seals, too. Then, I'll be right back out in the field with Jiraiya and Tsunade in no time."

I shifted onto my feet, and almost stumbled before catching myself. I shrugged off my teammates' supportive hands and shambled towards the door.

"Shishou, can you seal my arm for me? I'll be back for it later."

With that, I shut the door behind me. Once I was alone, I looked back down at what remained of my left arm.

Of course I lose my arm again. I was never destined to have two arms, no matter who I am, or who's body I control. I ignored the tears flowing down my face.

Goddammit.