Slight AU in that I made a few changes to bunk assignments and the like.

Chapter 3

Nicky's thoughts were a mess. Everything was happening lightning quick, and it took a good deal of effort to focus on any one thing during the maelstrom of emotion that was her current reality.

It started with the bunk assignment.

She'd woken at her usual time, and it all set in motion so immediately that she didn't even have time to think about Tricia.

"Hey, you. Nichols!"

Of course it would have to be Mendez.

"You've been assigned. Get your shit."

Since she'd been asleep mere moments ago, Nicky was a bit slow on the uptake, but the neurons fired in the end and she collected her meager belongings in record time.

"See you later, bitches," she said at the door as Pornstache shoved her along.

Walking through the halls with her bag was easier said than done, but eventually Nicky was able to get to C Dorm. Disgustedly, Mendez pointed her to the bunk she was to assume as hers.

"Seems like someone in here has a soft spot for you, Nichols. I don't know how you did it, but…"

Just as she rolled her eyes and was about to demand an explanation, he continued.

"Eh. See if I care. You're in electrical. Report to Luscheck tomorrow after breakfast." He turned and left without a backward glance, leaving Nicky with many more questions than answers. With a sigh, she squared her shoulders and headed for her new cube, tossing her personal effects onto the mattress.

As she looked up, Nicky surveyed the other side of the room and the items therein. There was a small stack of books on one of the tables, and a makeup bag and mirror on the other. A homemade crochet blanket with a matching pillow rested on the mattress.

With a start, Nicky realized that these were Red's things. It even smelled faintly like her. She must not have been paying attention - after all, Nicky had been here many nights. As she personalized her own bunk, Nicky's thoughts strayed, traveling back to the drugs Tricia had slipped her as her body worked on autopilot.

She knew she had to tell someone. If she was honest, she knew exactly who that was. But she couldn't face that yet. So, she would tell another first. Get advice. But who? Who would listen and care?

Lorna. Of course. Morello always listened.

Since she had nothing better to do today, there was no sense in putting it off. Nicky found herself wandering toward Morello's cube as soon as she finished with her pictures.

Lorna was, as usual, working on her honeymoon poster board. All in pink and yellow - she said those were her wedding colors.

Nicky guessed it was a coping mechanism, not a real event. A way to find some sense of normalcy. She watched Morello for a while, leaned against the wall of the cubicle, until Lorna looked up in her own time.

"Oh, hey Nichols! Come on in!"

"Hey, Morello," Nicky replied, her tone subdued as she sat on the bed next to Lorna. "Uh… can I talk to you about something?"

That piqued her interest. Morello put down her supplies and gave Nicky her full attention.

"Sure! What's up?"

Carefully, slowly, and barely without tears, Nicky told Lorna everything. She slowly brought the bag out of her pocket and handed it to Lorna, whose fingers closed around it in a vice-like grip. Nicky waited for a reaction as Lorna watched the bag pensively.

"You know you gotta tell Red, right?" She said eventually.

"Yeah," Nicky agreed, nodding, "yeah, I do, it's just…" Her gaze dropped to her hands.

"...what if she stops loving me, Morello?"

Lorna had to fight not to laugh - it would have been completely inappropriate.

"You know, Nichols, for such a smart girl you sure can be stupid. That's just bullshit."

Despite herself, Nicky chuckled quietly. Lorna joined her after a time.

"She's still gonna love you, no matter what you do," Lorna added. "You're her weakness."

"You really think so?"

"Hell yeah! You're her Spock!" Morello grinned. "And… it's the right thing to do."

"You sure?"

"Mhm."

After that, Morello lost herself in wedding plans again. Nicky pretended to be paying attention, but in reality her thoughts were elsewhere.

She wanted to take it. Lord knew she wanted to take it. Who wouldn't? It had taken everything she'd had not to already use it. Nicky had to remember how disappointed Red would be - and she simply could not disappoint Red.

It was obvious that she should tell the older woman. They could deal with it together. But the fact that she had drugs in her possession at all could anger Red beyond anything…

No. What would be worse, much worse, was if Red found out about this from anyone but Nicky. If that were true, Red would think she didn't trust her. Or, worse, that Nicky had been planning to use. Neither of those were viable options, so Nicky's path was painfully clear.

She stood, abruptly, briskly, so much so that Morello startled. Understanding that Nicky was about to leave, Lorna handed back the bag.

"Give it to Red, okay?"

"Yeah," she muttered, already halfway out the door.

Nicky shoved it into the back pocket of her pants and headed back to her cubicle. Red still hadn't returned - good. She scoped out everything, trying to find a reasonable hiding place. She felt a need to keep it safe, even if she knew it wasn't something she'd use. It felt almost like a safety blanket.

But that was the problem, wasn't it? She couldn't afford that kind of thinking. Not in here.

There was a small roll of tape in the cupboard. Carefully and quickly, Nicky attached the bag to the underside of the bed frame. Seemed as good a spot as any.

She lay on the bed for a while, staring at the ceiling and lost in the world of her thoughts. They moved in circles, only serving to confuse her further until she didn't even know what to think.

As a way not to think anymore, Nicky willed herself to fall asleep. It didn't take much - she was drained, both physically and emotionally.

It seemed like only moments later that she was brought back to wakefulness. At first, she didn't know what had done it, but as she rolled over to face the room at large Nicky could see that Red was seated on her own bunk, watching her.

She flashed a small smile, which Red returned.

"So, you're my new bunkmate?" Red asked it quietly, as if afraid of breaking something fragile with her words.

"Yeah, seems like it." Nicky sat up to see Red properly, and noticed the bags under her eyes immediately. "You look exhausted."

"I am exhausted." She yawned softly.

"Then go to sleep, huh?"

Nicky would tell her tomorrow. She didn't want to saddle Red with more baggage than she already carried.

"I'm tired, but I've been trying to fall asleep for awhile now," her mother admitted. On a whim, Nicky stood and crossed to the other bunk, crawling in next to Red. She felt the older woman relax immediately, wrapping her arms around Nicky as if they'd done this many times before. In reality, they'd never been able to fall asleep in each other's presence until now. Curfew didn't allow it.

It was times like these that Nicky felt the depth of Red's trust and love for her. In the special things - the little ways they cared for each other as they would nobody else.

"I love you," Nicky whispered.

"I love you, too," Red replied softly. Nicky felt her fading into unconsciousness.

Would Red still be able to say those words when she learned about what Nicky had done?

Red woke to a bundle of warmth in her arms, and sighed in contentment. It had been so long since there had been anyone in her bed but her, in one way or another, and it made her feel so much better.

She felt a rush of love for Nicky, because her daughter trusted her enough to fall asleep in her arms. Maybe the young woman had thought along the same lines last night.

Sure, they had their problems, but they could get through anything if they had each other.

Recently, Nicky had seemed to avoid her. Red had been confused about it, but of course she would respect her choices. But if it was a safety issue, or mistrust, Red would have to talk to Nicky about it and she would hope her daughter would tell her.

It made Red slightly nervous to think Nicky was keeping something from her. She hoped to all hell she was wrong.

As quietly as possible, she shifted so her weight rested less on Nicky and more on the bed. Against her wishes, the movement stirred the other woman. Red smiled softly.

"Good morning," she said.

"Hey," Nicky replied, her voice rusty. She looked so innocent in these first few moments between sleep and consciousness, when she recognized nothing but a friendly face and a warm bed.

It was almost painful for Red to watch the reality of where she was wash over Nicky as if it was the first time. She desperately wished to spare her daughter that suffering, but had no way to do so.

Over the years, it had gotten easier for Red. She was so used to prison life that waking up here wasn't so much a shock anymore. She knew, though, if she told Nicky it would get better the girl would never believe her. She did all she could think to do - she gathered her girl in her arms and held her with love.

What Red had no way to know, of course, was that Nicky's stricken look had much more to do with the company than the location, but she lost herself easily in the Russian's comforting words all the same. Nicky knew, in that moment, it had to be now.

"Hey, Red?" Her speech was muffled by the way her face was pressed into the older woman; as if she wouldn't be safe unless she literally burrowed into Red.

"Yes?" A tinge of amusement colored her tone.

"I-I got something to tell you."

At once, Red was fully alert, carefully disengaging enough to face Nicky head on.

"You can tell me anything, you know that don't you?"

"Yeah, of course," Nicky assured. She knew any words to calm Red now would only aggravate her, so instead she crossed back to her bunk and felt for the tape.

Red looked on, bewildered, trying to understand what could possibly be happening, but Nicky was back as quickly as she had gone.

"Now, when you see it, you have to let me explain. Okay?"

Nervously, Red nodded slowly.

"Okay."

She couldn't help the fact that she went white as a sheet as soon as Nicky brought the bag from behind her. Even entertaining the thought that her Nicky had gone back to that place terrified her beyond reason - but she would honor what her daughter had asked of her.

"I didn't take it. I swear I didn't. You've gotta take it from me, 'cuz if you don't I still probably will. And I really don't wanna let you down like that."

At a loss for words, Red nodded again, and woodenly extended a hand. Her thoughts were slowed, so much so that she was still now processing everything.

She was asking Red to take them, so she wouldn't…

The only reason she hadn't done it already was because she wanted to justify the trust Red had placed in her. For all intents and purposes, Red was the only thing keeping this wonderful young girl from taking a hit. It was a responsibility she would wear gladly.

But she had to know.

"Who the hell gave this to you," she asked, quietly but not without anger. The truth was, she was afraid of the answer, but fear was not a good color on Red and anger looked so much better in hindsight. After several moments of silence, she prodded again, tucking the bag and it's contents into her pocket. "I'll find out from someone else if you don't tell me, Nicky…"

"Fine," Nicky said, her tone almost resigned, "Tricia. Okay? It was Tricia."

Red sighed, shaking her head. That girl was on a one-way track to bad places, and even she knew it. But to try dragging Nicky down with her? That was low, even for Miller.

"I failed you," Nicky continued, her voice breaking over the second syllable, "I'm so, so, sorry. If you don't want me in the family anymore…"

"Now listen to me, my sweet girl," Red interrupted, taking Nicky's face between her palms, "that will never happen. Never. Understand me? I love you, and that will not change. You brought this to me, instead of giving into it. That says so much about you. You're making great progress here, Nicky. I need you to know I will not abandon you."

At this, a few tears managed to escape Nicky's eyes, but Red wiped them away with her thumbs and rested their foreheads together.

"I am not that kind of mother."

"I know," Nicky said. "And I love you for it."