Chapter 4

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Red's world was her anger. Her entire being was filled with it. She could think of nothing but vengeance and contempt.

Tricia had just come to Red's office. She'd looked nervous, but defiant, and had begun to speak casually about the weather.

Red had thought she was in a calmer place about this. Clearly, she wasn't.

"Tricia," she'd interrupted impatiently, "why the hell are you here?"

"Just wanted to talk, that's all." Her face was the picture of innocence. Red had fought to keep hers neutral.

"Surely not about the weather."

"Okay, nah. You got me there."

"So get on with it," Red had prompted, almost in a growl.

"Kay. I just thought you might like to know that Nichols is using again. I tried to stop her, man, but she-"

And now, in an instant, the younger woman was up against the wall, face-to-face with an extremely incensed Russian. Her windpipe was blocked by Red's arm, which also held her up.

"Now listen to me, you manipulative bitch, if you ever try anything like that again I will personally make sure your life is a living hell." She released the girl, who sank to the floor, clutching her neck, but Red dragged her back to her feet. "I trust Nicky more than I will ever trust you, and she told me you gave her those drugs. I think it goes without saying that you will never be a part of my family again."

With a sharp slap to the face, Red stalked out, even though it was her own private space. She needed to punch something, and still had enough sense left to know it couldn't be Tricia.

But as she walked, her anger dissipated into sadness - for Tricia, and her fucked up morals, for Nicky and her unwitting part in this mess…

A few more steps and she was in the kitchen, where she felt most at home on a good day. Right now, she needed to lose herself in something, and this was the best place to do that.

Lunch was nearly ready, as Red soon discovered, but she was able to put finishing touches on most of it. Really, it was the ordering people around that was helping her. She couldn't control Tricia, she didn't want to control Nicky, but her kitchen was an environment in which her word went.

As lunch rush quieted down, and everyone but Red cleared out, Nicky wandered into the kitchen.

"Hey, what gives? I've been looking for you all day!"

Red sighed, collecting herself before turning to her daughter. "Come, sit with me," she said, sliding onto the tabletop. Nicky joined her with more ease than Red herself had, and she felt a playful kind of resentment toward her daughter.

Red had always been taught that it was best to tell the truth. Lies always made things worse in the end. So, she did.

"Triciacame to see me today." She looked down at her hands and felt rather than heard Nicky's sharp breath. "She 'reported' to me that you were using again, and that she had tried to stop you."

"You-you didn't believe her, right?" Nicky's voice was small, unsure.

"No, of course not. I trust you more than I will ever trust her. In fact, I told her as much." She watched her daughter for a reaction, and laughed when a grin lit her features.

"I also told her that she has no place in our family from now on. You don't deserve to be fucked around like that."

"I love you, Ma." To Red, it seemed to come from nowhere - both the statement and the endearment; when put together, it was enough to make Red's normally firm composure crack. A few tears slipped down her cheeks as she pulled Nicky into a fierce hug.

"You know, that's the first time you've called me that," she whispered into the younger woman's hair.

"I was wondering what that was about," Nicky replied quietly.

"I love you too, radost' moya."

"What does that mean?" Red chuckled.

"'My joy.' It means 'my joy.' You are my one ray of sunshine in this dark place, Nicky. I don't have many words that can properly express that, least of all in English."

The only reaction Nicky would have noticeably given to any outside view was to tuck even closer into Red, but the older woman could feel a damp spot on her shirt. She stroked her daughter's hair and enjoyed the moment of peace.

But, as surely as she knew that times like these were few and far between, she also knew that it wasn't meant to last and they both had places to be. All the same, she did her best to memorize everything about this moment, so she would be able to look back on it later.

"I think you're due in Electrical," she said, not without regret. Nicky nodded, pulling away reluctantly.

"I'll come see you later," Nicky promised as she slipped out the door. "Okay?"

Red nodded, and with a small wave her daughter was gone.

Thoughtfully, she pulled the drugs that had started all this out of her pocket. It was now her responsibility to dispose of them… but how would she do so? Clearly, she wasn't needed right now for anything more pressing. One glance around would tell you that much. So, she tucked the bag away again and started to walk, taking up a brisk pace, toward Boo's cubicle.