"IT'S RETURN DAY, AND I'M NOT DOING LAWYER STUFF ON RETURN DAY! AND IF IT'S REAL SUPER IMPORTANT, IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY BECAUSE COURT'S NOT OPEN AND THEY'LL FEED YOU IN JAIL! LEAVE A TRUTHFUL MESSAGE! NYEH!" There. That was the perfect message to leave on his voicemail, Papyrus judged. He'd put it back to something else tomorrow.
As holidays went, it was certainly better than April Fool's Day; as someone who had to deal with fools even foolier than himself at his fooliest, Papyrus had finally received jape overload. Once, Papyrus had outright laughed in a client's face when he claimed he didn't do it; Papyrus had thought the man was joking, as he'd been busted by three undercover cops the instant he tried to rob a store (apparently not having gotten the memo on the whole rememberer business). He hadn't been joking, and Papyrus, with all his experience at puzzles, still could not puzzle out why humans said things that nobody, including themselves, believed. Surveillance cameras had recorded the whole thing, and when Papyrus had confronted his client with this fact, the man had claimed that Papyrus was really working for the prosecutor's office. Papyrus had used that to tell the judge that his client was obviously insane, but that was the judge's turn to laugh; if denial of reality were an acceptable insanity defense, the mental hospitals would be full and the prisons would be empty.
But this was no day to dwell on such things. This was a day of merriment, a day specifically set aside to celebrate being able to live on Mt. Ebbot instead of under it. The tall skeleton, ever conscientious, had noted who wasn't at the parade, and had chosen to host some small extra festivities of his own for the shy monsters that didn't do so well in crowds. He'd gone down to the local K-Mart and bought balloons, paper plates, all kinds of other Return Day-themed party supplies (Papyrus and Frisk happened to agree about the nature of corporate America), and an extra-large bag of Nabisco oatmeal raisin cookies, which he made absolutely sure did not contain the fateful ingredients found in Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears and which he secretly hid in his room, locking his door with an alarm that would scream if it were opened with magic and not a key. He took the time to find Napstablook, a Whimsun, Bratty and Catty (who had watched the parade on TV), Burgerpants, and a Madjick (in that order), while Sans had... been Sans. Papyrus tried to sigh the human way, but of course it didn't work. His brother was such a lazybones. Sans had the power to go anywhere, and he usually didn't go anywhere.
Papyrus led a Whimsalot to his door, happily talking to the chivalrous creature about his profession and the way the human court system worked, officially started the party with everyone seated at a table, ("THIS PARTY IS NOW OFFICIALLY STARTED, SO EVERYTHING WE DO NOW IS STUFF THAT PEOPLE DO AT PARTIES!"), walked up to his room, unlocked the door, and picked up a surprisingly light bag of cookies. Wait, that wasn't right. He pulled the plastic container out of the torn bag, staring in frustrated amazement at the cookie-free air, and he distinctly remembered intending to surprise everyone there with cookies and not air.
"NYEEEEEEHHHHHH!" Papyrus screamed, storming out of his room, slamming the door behind him, empty, cookie-less bony fists clenched in anger as he stomped down the stairs. "WHO TOOK MY COOKIES?!" Napstablook faded through the wall. Whimsun hid under the table. Bratty and Catty leaned back in shock. Madjick just stared at him, smiling his grin and floating above his seat. Whimsalot looked around at the other monsters, pointing its little spear around.
"gee, papy, you look pretty.. nabisc'd off."
"SANS! THIS IS NO TIME FOR PUNS! THOSE COOKIES WERE FOR EVERYBODY! AND SOMEBODY SNUCK INTO MY SHELTER AND STOLE THEM! AND WE'RE GOING TO FIND THE FOUL FIEND WHO DARED DO THE DASTARDLY DEED!" The shy monsters cowered even further.
"You're being, like, totally super mega mad. They were just cookies, geez," Bratty said, while Catty said simultaneously, "That is, like, so rude. Do you treat all your guests that way?"
Papyrus tried to calm himself down, gritting his teeth together. "WAS IT YOU? DID YOU SEE ANYONE GO IN THERE?"
"Like, no, we were watching TV," Catty said, as Bratty said, "We were watching the after-after-after-parade." "We didn't even know you HAD food," Bratty added, as Catty explained, "We totally ate before we got here." "Your cookies smell all right, though," Catty added, wrinkling her kitty nose. "Somebody here definitely ate them."
Papyrus turned to Madjick, who just grinned at him, and the skeleton knew when interrogating a witness wouldn't help. Madjick's answers and reasonings always made his skull hurt, especially when the monstrous wizard started casting its flashy, extravagant spells. "BURGERPANTS?" he asked instead.
"No way! If I stole food from anyone, Mettaton wouldn't just fire me, he'd on-fire me. I always know when people are going places they shouldn't, because curious little guys get into burger stuff, too. Maybe it was before you invited me?" That would limit the suspects to Napstablook, the Whimsun, the girls, and possibly the Temmie sitting at the table, licking small, flat flecks off her fur.
"TEMMIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Papyrus asked.
"Watching you fail at life," Temmie said in a serious voice. "pet TEM NAO?" Bratty and Catty eagerly cuddled the mysterious little creature, and even the Whimsun popped its head out to watch.
Papyrus took the chance to talk to it. "If you know anything, tell me and nothing bad will happen," he said in his lawyer voice, the one he lied to scared clients with. The Whimsun just shook its head, although it did seem more relaxed. The Whimsalot flew to its kin's side protectively, shaking its head at Papyrus. Wait, the little creature flew, maybe it had flown in through the window? Or maybe it had simply phased through, could a Whimsun- and then suddenly Papyrus had a suspect.
"BLOOKY! C'MON OUT! EVEN IF YOU DID DO IT, BUSTIN' DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!"
"oh... it wasn't me... and i don't know who... i even brought food... but i ate it... sorry..." Napstablook visited the trash and pulled out an empty, but still unopened, box of crackers.
"GRRRR!" Papyrus tried to growl, although it sounded exactly like a skeleton shouting "GRRRR!" He looked around for physical evidence, while the others talked about how silly he was being, Sans fruitlessly trying to defend his brother. He found no evidence in his room, no telltale hairs or fur. Nothing incriminating on the stairs, a couch that needed vacuuming of chocolate crumbs, a clean kitchen with an ordinary-height sink that didn't have anything in it. Papyrus wracked his skull for answers.
"WAIT A MINUTE!" the skeleton said, realizing. "YOU-"