A/N: My version of "Vamp Willow" is a bit different from canon, which is quite believable as S2/3 Willow (which is probably when she was turned in the Wishverse) is also quite a bit different from S6 Willow. Also, I should mention that Willow doesn't have any significant hypnosis abilities (to make thralls), which you might have otherwise assumed because of everyone's reactions to looking her in the eye. But really, like Buffy said in Perfect, Willow just has power over them - emotional power. She doesn't really need much else to make them tremble...
The two POVs in this chapter have some overlap timeline-wise. I don't know how I feel about that, because I don't know how it feels as a reader (believe me, it's there for a reason though). Just wanted to let you know to avoid any confusion within the chapter.
:: Chapter 3: Forget ::
"Willow…" It was more so a horrified cry to a dead lover than a greeting to an undead one, but nevertheless, Willow's eyes turned to her next.
Tara's mind was capable of only one thought as she stared into the bright eyes of her lover. After spending hours retracing Willow's features in her mind, desperately clinging to and treasuring everything she could still remember, she now realized that not even her most accurate fantasies could hold a candle to the real Willow. She was quite certain the redhead was more beautiful than any mind had the capability to imagine…
For a few moments the onslaught of emotion – a crushing mixture of fear, anger, and pain – that had enveloped her just seconds earlier felt like a distant dream. The entirety of the past evening felt like a dream, and the only emotion that filled her now was a sensation of overwhelming relief and contentment. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, she could hardly put up a fight as she slipped further into the allure of her girlfriend's eyes. It was all just a dream… and only thing that felt real – that she convinced herself as real – was the gorgeous, smiling woman that now stood in front of her. Lips that she had expected to live the remainder of her life without feeling again – now curled up into a little smile that warmed her heart, erasing what felt like centuries of pain. Eyes that she couldn't for the life of her turn away from, even as she felt her vision slowly blurring.
When said blurring soon turned Willow's striking features into a mush of wavy lines, Tara blinked furiously to force the tears to leave her eyelids, desperate to meet the eyes she had fallen in love with years ago. She felt the blur being replaced by the feel of wetness on her cheeks. Oh, so that's what it was. She was crying... Why had she been crying? She couldn't remember. Her eyebrows furrowed as she realized that was probably something she ought to remember, but she urged the thought to disappear when it drew her mind away from taking in the beauty in front of her. Perhaps it had been joy? But that wouldn't explain the trembling hand that still clasped at her mouth, as if readying to muffle sobs that hadn't yet arrived. And sobs were hardly ever the sign of joy…
"Hi Baby…" Her thoughts vanished once more as she heard the redhead call to her in so loving a voice. She felt a surprising sob erupt from deep inside her in response. So she was sobbing… out of sadness? But why? Her mind screamed of happiness, so why were her lips not capable of returning her lover's smile? "Hey, hey… Don't cry, now." Willow continued reassuringly, her smile faltering and brows furrowing in what looked like concern. It was all Tara could do at that moment not to run into her arms and kiss the smile back onto her face. She had always been able to do that. To erase the sadness or fear from Willow's face with just a tender kiss or a loving touch, and she was more than thankful for that ability. The sight of Willow's smile was a drug Tara never wanted to run short of. An addiction she was utterly content to lose herself in. "I'm sorry for giving you a scare there…" Willow continued as she took a small step closer. But she wasn't scared, Tara wanted to reassure her, she could never be scared with Willow; scared of Willow. Not anymore. She was safe here…
"Tara, listen to me," she heard a distant sound warn her. Who was that? She had nearly forgotten there were others in the room, and was almost embarrassed that she'd been lost in her own world for so long, entranced so completely by her lover. It took only a split second of losing Willow from her sight– the smallest attempt at a glance towards the new voice – for her to abandon her plans and draw herself back into the world of two she and Willow occupied. She didn't quite care who it was she was ignoring. Even a second of looking away from Willow brought with it an ache in her heart she never wanted to feel again. They could wait, whoever they were. They could wait until she had taken in every inch of the lover in front of her, memorized every strand of hair, every inch of skin. Everything else could wait…
"Tara, please, I need you to look at me," the voice tried once again. She didn't understand why it would keep interrupting her, couldn't it see how tired she was? All she wanted was to let her mind rest. A moment of respite to regain the strength that had been sucked away from her after the nightmare of the last few hours. Surely she could be allowed that much? She was safe here, with Willow. How much could it hurt to let her rest?
But the voice that had been calling her apparently disagreed, and quite violently. She felt quick movement somewhere far to her right, followed by the narrowing of the emerald eyes that had so far claimed all of her attention, and the hardening of the soft smile. Willow's gaze suddenly left her, leaving her feeling cold and empty, as if ripped from the embrace of a warm shower that she had just barely begun to enjoy. A steely gaze shifted to the offending party, and the smile returned, albeit forced.
No, Tara called out desperately to the eyes that had left her own, but all that escaped her lips was a whimper of longing, come back to me… Her rest had been broken so suddenly, so completely, that she found she barely had the strength to think. I need you… I can't rest without you. That much had always been true, she could never quite relax the same without Willow in her arms, she'd learned that much in their strained time apart. She had never known good sleep before Willow, always looking behind her shoulder, keeping her ears perked for the heavy footsteps of her father. But Willow had always been able to ground her so effortlessly, gently tug her out of nightmares that still sometimes plagued her consciousness, make her feel a warmth she had never known she was missing. She yearned for that now, to be safely cocooned in soft bedsheets, gentle arms, and warm skin; to let this latest nightmare wash away like a distant memory… Goddess, I'm so tired, Willow...
But why? Why did she feel so broken? The sobs, the shaking, she had never quite found the answer. She knew there was something she was forgetting, or something she was trying to forget… What was it?
"Buffy, you know that's not a really nice thing to do, right?" Willow's voice broke the silence of her mind yet again. Buffy… Buffy was here. Buffy had been the one calling her? Some distant part of her mind stood in attention at the realization, knowing that if Buffy had been warning her, there was something to be warned of. And that meant that Tara needed to collect herself, collect her magicks. Protect Willow. She had to. She couldn't lose her again… Again? Her mind idly questioned at the strange phrasing. When had she lost her before?
Tara finally found the strength to look around as she heard what seemed to be Buffy's voice hissing pointedly at someone. She turned stiffly towards the slayer, taking in her surroundings for the first time in the last few minutes. In the distance, she could hear soft gasps that sounded like Dawn's, the sound she made when trying desperately to recover from sobbing. She had heard that sound enough in the last few hours to recognize it from a mile away. The last few hours… was that what she had been forgetting? Had it not been a dream, then? Dawn had been crying, and she had been crying. And Buffy… Tara turned to look at the Slayer now, noticing eyes and skin that were far from their normal hue. Yes, Buffy had been more than just crying… The cogs in Tara's head began to turn faster now, no longer brought to stillness by the sight of her lover.
So it wasn't a dream? Willow was… gone? Or had been gone. She was here now, surely. Tara stole a quick glance at the redhead once more, as if to assure herself that she was still real. Right, Willow was here now. It was going to be ok. She was here. Tara almost wanted to laugh as the full meaning behind Willow's earlier apologies came to her. Goddess, she had a right to be sorry, she had scared her after all…
She let the memories slowly wash over her, not enjoying the experience of recalling the hours she had spent lost in her own emptiness and despair. But it hadn't been a dream, so she needed to remember. Remember, and move on. Because Willow was here… And it was all going to be fine.
"Xander," Buffy called, and Tara realized she had once again tuned out the world around her, this time lost only in herself and not in the redhead beauty that now wore an amused smile, "get everyone else out of here. Don't stop, just go." Tara recognized the strain in Buffy's voice, and regained the sense of danger that had briefly alluded her. She remembered. They'd been running from something…or someone? A vampire, Tara guessed, judging from Buffy's earlier curiosity about disinviting spells. More likely than not it was a cadre of vampires, either stupid enough to take on a Slayer or impassioned enough to not care. But are they really stupid? Tara wondered, recalling the earlier state of her best friend, when she was just barely able to stand, clutching a crossbow in shaking hands. When Buffy's so afraid of them…are they really that stupid to come for us? She felt a hand tug at her to help her rise, and let herself be brought to her feet. She needed to be standing after all, they were probably in for a fight. She needed to protect the ones she loved.
Her eyes met Willow's once again, waiting for her to join their side. But the redhead just grinned, as if she was enjoying the complexities of a play unfold in front of her. Her gaze rose to lie a bit to Tara's left, and she felt the hand that had been tugging at her shoulder freeze immediately, and heard a soft sigh that almost merged into a sob. "Xander," Willow called in a sing-song voice, before continuing more casually, "I don't really think Tara wants to go right now…"
"And I don't think that's your decision to make," came the growl through gritted teeth. Tara didn't quite understand why Buffy was arguing this way with her friend. She glanced around to take in the faces around her. Was she the only one who was relieved Willow was here? That she was alive? No, she realized with a sigh of relief, no she wasn't. Anya for one seemed as happy as could be, though she was trying her best to wear a mask of nonchalance to match the ones around her. But Xander, and Dawnie… Goddess, Dawnie looked awful. Shaking, sniveling, a hand clasping a small wooden cross so tightly she was sure it would leave its mark on her palm. What was it that had them so…
And then her eyes turned down to the crossbow in Xander's hand. Also shaking, but aiming true at the one person standing in front of them. She hastily turned to Buffy to find that hers held the same target. And Dawnie's cross…
All aimed at Willow.
"No, you're right, Buffy," Willow continued. Or was it Willow? Had it ever been Willow? Red bite; grinning teeth; fake death… Was it Willow? Was it, Willow? With a shaky gasp, she finally familiarized herself with the emotions that had stunned her so deeply before. Fear. Anger. Pain. Goddess… give me strength. She all but crumbled to the ground again when familiar emerald eyes met hers. "It's Tara's choice," Willow smiled. Or…the creature wearing Willow's face – sharing Willow's memories – smiled. The husk of Willow, smiled. She knew this, Tara reminded herself. But it was so hard. She couldn't trust herself to remember, she had already forgotten once. And she already wanted to forget again…
"Tara," her lover's whisper implored her with a gentle voice, eyes and smile not betraying any loss of humanity. Tara found herself lost in that gaze again, and this time as tears began to blur her vision, she was almost thankful for their presence. "Tara… do you want to leave?" The whispers of hopefulness and desperation in that voice, so out of place accompanying Willow's confident visage, successfully sparked the memories they were meant to trigger.
Tara suddenly found herself back at her 20th birthday, now seeming like it was eons ago. She recalled those words, then uttered to her in a desperate plea for trust from her lover. A plea to trust that Willow would stay with the brunette even if she was a demon. To trust that what they had together had been real. That nothing – nothing – could get in the way without them putting up a fight. Tara had believed she was a monster, and Willow had been ready to stay, ready to fight…
And before she knew quite what she was doing, Tara found herself free of the loosening grip on her shoulder. Taking a single, sure step towards the demon that stood smiling before her.
She was ready to forget.
"Hi baby..." the purred reply came.
Buffy found her fingers clenching uncontrollably tight at her crossbow as she heard the gasping sob that had erupted from Tara, and for a second she feared her grip on the trigger would misfire her only bolt. She gritted her teeth tightly, hoping the physical ache could replace the emotional, and urged her body – not for the first time – to put aside the pangs of pain that still tore at her insides, and rush to shield the fallen witch from this monster. Tara needed her now. She needed the Slayer's strength to face the caricature of Willow that stood smiling in front of her, hiding carefully behind loving murmurs. No doubt reveling in the power it had over the witch, and preparing to surgically stab at the brunette's heart in the few ways it still remained unbroken. Buffy's mind traveled back to her first encounter with Angelus, to the pleasure he had received from seeing her pain... She needed to remind Tara not to listen. To force her not to listen. To sow together whatever fragments she could find of that perfect moment she had been orchestrating just minutes ago…
But no matter what her mind ordered, her body still felt more like a pile of jello that had been sculpted into a Buffy-like shape, than the lithe intimidating form of a Slayer. As she leaned against a shelf to replace the lost strength in her knees, she resorted to the only muscles in her body that could still obey her…
"Tara, listen to me," Buffy urged, her voice coming out steady and calm where she felt anything but, "focus on my voice, okay?" She sighed as the brunette turned to her so minutely it looked more like a flinch, and hoped the flinch was a sign of a more purposeful turn. But Tara's form remained entranced with the figure of the redhead before her, shaking ever so slightly as barely audible whispers of her lover's name left her lips. "Tara, please…" She tried more forcefully, feeling some of her missing strength return as Willow took a series of steps towards them. The Slayer in her slowly replacing the emotions as the impending threat became more urgent by the second. "I need you to look at me. Turn away from her, sweetie." But the brunette refused to move, not showing the slightest response of even having heard her at all. And as Willow came ever closer, now reaching the bottom of the steps near the entrance, Buffy felt her options dwindling rapidly. She could see the others, Dawnie and Xander, already inching towards the exits, readying to flee even in their shocked states. And Anya had never been limited by human obstacles if she wanted to run away. But if Tara didn't move soon…
Buffy was staring at her arm held up in the air, crossbow aiming squarely for Willow's chest, before she was aware of having moved at all. Her aim was steady, and her mind occupied only of the need to protect. The pain was still there, as she knew it always would be. But the pain was bearable. The pain would fuel her. Willow was a thorn, pressing dangerously against her insides with each breath she took, each beat of her heart. And the pain would force her to take it out.
Her form stayed steady as green eyes now turned to bore into her own, and she felt strong for the first time in what felt like forever. This isn't Willow, she repeated to herself, this time far more confident in the words she had always known to be true. This wasn't Willow. And Buffy wasn't going to wait for that to be proven to her anymore. She wasn't going to give this demon that power over her. She wouldn't let her heart be broken again. She wouldn't let her family be hurt…
"Buffy, you know that's not a really nice thing to do, right?" Willow murmured dejectedly, seemingly offended by the weapon that was threating to skewer her. But Buffy could see the steely anger that hid behind familiar green eyes…
"That's good," she answered in a low growl, "because being nice isn't really on the list of what I'm planning to do to you, Will," Her anger quelled ever so slightly into concern as she saw Tara finally return from her trance, looking around helplessly as if seeing her surroundings for the first time. What had Willow done to that girl…
"Woah, hey," Willow exclaimed defensively, no doubt surprised by the shift in the Slayer's tone. "what'd I do?" She lifted her hands up defensively, taking the smallest of steps back as she pleaded her case with wide, innocent eyes. Her form stiffened as she saw no reaction, and she tilted her head in thought, "Oh, right…" The smile that emerged surprised Buffy, and she saw a glint in emerald eyes that reflected only amusement and interest, and none of the fear she had been expecting. "You probably heard about the pit stop I made along the way, huh? Believe me, it was for the best…" Willow continued, her arms falling back down to her sides as she relaxed back into her previous state, appearing to have recovered from the crossbow that still held her as its target. Whether she was recovering from an act, or recovering in earnest, the Slayer had no way of knowing.
Buffy could sense the cogs turning in the demon's head, and her trigger finger twitched as Willow casually walked over to the front desk of the shop, fondling some jars that held an unidentifiable mush of entrails, "I couldn't really trust myself being on an empty stomach around you guys you know? Bloodlust just…"her hand traveled to a lonely pair of scissors that had no doubt been used to giftwrap some odd item, and Buffy felt her entire body tense, "complicates things…" Willow's nimble fingers grazed the blade of the scissors as she held them up reverently, seeming eerily lost in the feel of the metal in her hands. She turned back towards Buffy, still delicately fondling the scissors, and smiled innocently, "And I really don't want anyone getting hurt... Well, give or take." She added with a shrug, gaze momentarily flickering towards the still-dazed form of Tara.
"Xander," she called, her body readying herself for combat. It was atypical for vamps to use weapons, especially ones that small, but her mind was already computing the possible openings Willow could abuse in a close-combat encounter. From the corner of her eyes she saw Xander look at her in attention, one hand clasped tightly at Dawn's forearm where he had been gently pulling her closer to the exit, and the other clutching a crossbow she could barely recall him grabbing for. That was good at least, he was armed. "Get everyone else out of here," she ordered, preparing herself to stall the vampire in case she attempted to stop their escape. "Don't stop, just go." She put every bit of urgency she could muster behind that one word, and relaxed minutely as she heard Anya drag an unresponsive Dawn towards a door, and saw Tara finally rise to her feet. She only hoped the witch would be able to avoid the redhead's gaze for a few moments longer…
"Xander," came a playful voice, accompanied by a grin that now seemed the opposite of innocent. The carpenter sizably shrunk under Willow's gaze, and the grin broadened in response, accompanied by a new glint in emerald eyes. She was enjoying this… "I don't really think Tara wants to go right now…"
"And I don't think that's your decision to make," Buffy growled back, growing ever angrier at the games the vampire was playing with her friends' minds. The games she had been playing with Buffy's mind, even before she had spoken a word, just by making her very her existence be known. She silently urged Xander to break away from the gaze and run, so that she could finally put aside the Buffy that loved Willow, and focus only on the Slayer that killed vampires. But all he did was slowly, purposefully, raise his crossbow into the air, fighting back the incessant trembles of his hand that threatened to make him drop the weapon. His cheeks were lined with fresh tears, and she could hear a soft moan of pain coming from within his chest. That was not a good idea… He needed to run.
"No, you're right, Buffy," Willow interjected before she could remind Xander of her earlier instructions. The vampire was surprisingly calm for having two arrows ready to pierce her heart, but Buffy couldn't be sure if it was because she had a card up her sleeve, or if she had truly just lost it. She heard a desperate gasp that she recognized as Tara's; a sound that resembled the gulping for air after resurfacing from the depths of an ocean. Surely, the two witches – or more accurately, the witch and vampire – were once again engaged in locked gazes. Buffy thought she saw something new in Tara's eyes this time, a hint of lucidity that had so far been absent. It brought with it a slim hope in Buffy that the witch could finally see Willow for what she was, and a crushing sadness about the same thing. "It's Tara's choice," Willow smiled at the brunette witch, and Buffy saw Xander's grip on her tighten, as if her knees were threatening to fail her again. And just like that the hope vanished…
Buffy felt no need to argue with Willow. She could see it was too late now, and there was hardly a choice left to be made. Only a desperate prayer that Tara could one day forget the sight of her lover vanishing into dust…
She met Xander's eyes with a meaningful look as Willow continued to call out to Tara, and saw his chest heave with the intake of a deep breath, and his hand steady in response, even as the tears threatened to cloud his vision. That was all the answer she needed that her message had been heard. "Tara… do you want to leave?" The tone of Willow's voice struck her as odd, the vulnerability clashing so heavily with the confidence in her stance, and the scissors still loosely stroked by her hands. She felt the tingle of a memory begin to resurface, but pushed it down immediately. No, she wasn't going to let Willow make this any harder than it already was. She turned fully to the vampire in front of her, putting to use the skill she had mastered so well over the years as she readied her aim. Pushing down the Buffy Summers that had spent the better of six years by Willow's side. The girl that had cried in her best friend's lap as she struggled to breathe after heartbreak, and caught the witch in her arms as she recovered from her own. There was no room for her now, this was the Slayer's playground…
But her itching trigger finger retreated as she heard an unexpected gasp from her closest male friend, and she turned to take in a sight that effortlessly overturned any progress she had made to rid herself of Buffy Summers…
"That's my girl…" Willow grinned as her lover slowly walked towards her. Buffy's heart skipped a beat, and then doubled its pace. Tara was… enthralled? Is that what was happening? No, she was all there. Buffy had seen her there. This was Tara. But God… God she needed to stop… If she had any hope of recovering from the loss of her lover, she needed to stop. She needed to be stopped.
There was no time to do this right. Buffy Summers had to pull the trigger.
"She's not your girl," Buffy growled back, urging Xander to recover from his shock before Tara got any closer to the redheaded demon, "She's not your anything."
In a flash, two bolts flew across the Magic Box, one just barely missing the side of Tara's head. A surprised gasp echoed in the room, now eerily silent. Buffy calmly watched the arrows reach their mark, one imperfectly aimed for Willow's eye, and the other… landing squarely at her heart.
A/N: I'm not really planning on keeping with this insane time-twisting style of spending paragraphs talking about a single moment/bit of dialogue (aka Tara's POV). I know how tiring it can get to read... There's just so much shock happening right now that everyone's head is just a jumbled mess of emotions that I can't help but explore. Also not planning on having overlapping POVs again unless needed. It was necessary here though, Tara wasn't really all there in her encounter. Originally, Buffy's half of this chapter was meant to go on far longer that it has, which would make the overlap more meaningful/bearable, but if I ended it where it was meant to be ended, this would have been a 10k chapter... On the plus side, I'm already well on my way to finishing the next chapter!
Tara was honestly quite exhausting to write. (Her part was initially also planned to go on for longer, but that would've just been too much, and the new dialogue doesn't support it anymore.) I know she comes off as kind of... weak here. But she's just at that point right now. Keeping in mind Willow's response to the canon Seeing Red, it's not that hard to imagine things going this way in the initial heated hours of grieving. Replace anger and vengeance with hope and exhaustion...
Also it's insanely tough to deal with Xander, Dawn and Anya on top of everything else, especially with the current narrators, so sorry there hasn't been much of a chance to actually explore their full reactions... I could probably have shoved a hint of it in somewhere in Perfect but too little too late I suppose. Their feelings will be made very clear though, don't you worry.
Feel free to review, I'd love the feedback no matter how small. Also if anyone's interested in some low-key beta-ing (mostly typo stuff but maybe the occasional other thing) PM me, please! A super casual noncommittal type thing is fine. I'm just getting a bit tired of re-reading chapters ten times over before feeling ready to post...