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:: Chapter 5: Knights in Armor... ::
The warmth of the house felt foreign to Buffy, after spending so many hours in the coldness of the Magic Box, and then Sunnydale itself. She felt the blood slowly rush back to her cheeks, though she could see in the hallway mirror that she was still as pale as ever. She also spotted an errant tear which she hadn't noticed, and wiped it away in a hurry before ushering everyone else in.
The books were safe in Anya's apartment; a plan Buffy had originally been emphatically against. But as she had watched the vengeance demon teleport with stacks upon stacks of books, she found herself agreeing with her friend's decision. Buffy had expected another five, maybe ten books. Just enough for her to slip somewhere in the basement and keep out of harm's way. But the sheer number of books astonished her, and she knew that keeping them at the Summers House might be safe for the books, but it wasn't safe for them. That much magick, that close to Dawn; that close to Tara.
She looked back at Tara now, who was seemingly stuck at the threshold of the entrance, even once the others had made their way in and settled in the dining room. Her mind and gaze were wandering elsewhere, her body no longer shaking, but looking almost sadder in its stillness. Buffy made her way to the witch now, and gently made to grab her shoulders, "Hey, it's okay," She murmured as her touch was met with the flinch she had been expecting, "It's just me, Tara." Blue eyes finally focused back to her form, and a shaky breath left her lips, accompanied by the watering of her eyes. Buffy felt her stomach twist at the sight, thinking back to the encounter that had left the girl in this state. Thinking back to how the Slayer had been unable to do anything, unable to move, as the monster wearing Willow's face attempted to court its lover. It had touched her. And that was all she had needed to break.
"Buffy…" came the cry for help from cracking lips. Buffy didn't need anything more to welcome the witch into embrace, rubbing her back as she felt the girl shake from soft sobs. "I-I didn't… When I – I wouldn't, I swear…" The broken girl murmured incoherently, and Buffy gathered that she was recalling the time she had nearly willingly given herself over to Willow. Buffy sighed as she quelled the witch's doubts, assuring her that she had nothing to prove; that she was trusted. But Buffy wasn't quite sure if she could believe her own words. Not now. She had seen the offer to sire be presented to the girl in her arms, had watched as Tara desperately struggled between her longing to touch her lover once more, and her desire to resist the pull of darkness. It was a pull that Buffy had always implicitly trusted Tara to resist. And yet now, she could see that on some level Tara's lines between black and white had all been blurred beyond recognition. "I… I just. I don't understand. Anything." Tara continued to mumble between shaky gasps as she unsuccessfully attempted to recover from her sobs. Buffy supported the weight of the witch through her embrace, feeling the brunette's body weakening under her weight, "I'm so tired, Buffy."
"I know," Buffy assured her, feeling yet another defying tear leave her eye, "Look, you just rest, ok? We'll figure this out, I promise." She slowly disentangled the witch from her embrace, making sure she could support herself as she held her shoulders tightly just in case. "Are you ok to go up the stairs?" She asked once Tara's breathing had calmed, her eyes still looking tired and lost, "Do you want me to carry you up?" The witch shook her head, assuring her friend that she would be fine. "Come on then," she hesitantly let go of Tara's shoulders, gently grabbing her hand and pulling her up the stairs, "Let's get you into bed."
The blonde hesitated for less than a second when they arrived at what used to be Willow and Tara's room, and instead just continued to usher Tara further along the hallway. She heard Tara take in a shaky gasp as she no doubt recognized the room they had just passed, and revisited memories that were now colored in pain for more reasons than one. She then hesitated, without quite meaning to, when they arrived at her room, where she had been planning to let Tara sleep the night. Buffy's eyes fixed onto the slanted roof that had become a hallmark of her room over the years. The little quirk that had always made her room feel like her own. She looked at it now, and all she could see was Dawn's body, cut and bleeding like she had been at Glory's tower. She saw her hanging in a crucifix position, her blood slowly dripping onto bed under her. Onto Buffy. She imagined waking up with that sight being the first to greet her…
"This can be your room now, if you want," was her answer to those thoughts, as she tore her eyes away from that roof and landed them on Tara. Her voice betrayed the emotions that were erupting from within her, and for a moment Tara turned to her with a look of concern, ready to push away her own pain to tend to the blonde's. But Buffy just wiped at her eyes, and put on a brave smile, ushering the blonde farther into the room and letting her embrace the comfort of her bed. She wouldn't let Tara bear her burdens this time. This time, it was her turn to take care of the people she loved. This time, her pain would have to come second to theirs. She would handle this. Handle Willow. She would have to.
"Do you want me to bring you some clothes?" Buffy asked as Tara settled under the covers, thinking how uncomfortable it must be to sleep in the witch's current attire. But Tara showed no signs of discomfort as she shook her head, only curling herself into the pillow as if urging it to envelop her entire being. Buffy fiddled around some more in the room, handing Mr. Gordo over to Tara to snuggle as needed, and then finally pulled a chair over to seat herself next to the resting witch. She still wanted to be out of that room as fast as possible, but she knew as long as Tara's eyes remained open, gazing listlessly into nothingness, looking absolutely defeated, the witch would remain lost in the fantasies created by her own despair. She sat still for a while, watching Tara, silently letting her know of her presence, until the ache of seeing her friend in this state became too much to bear. Finally, hesitantly, she reached out to lay a hand on the brunette's head, stroking her hair in comfort the same way Tara had comforted her just a few months ago.
Tara looked up from her lost gaze, her eyes peeking out from above Mr. Gordo, whom she was now clutching tightly, "What are you going to do to her?" were the only words escaping her lips, her voice hoarse with sobs and exhaustion. Buffy looked into vulnerable blue eyes, and for a moment wanted desperately to lie. But she could hardly know what the lie would be, when she didn't even know what the truth was…
"I don't know," she just answered with a sigh. Her gaze fell to the roof above her and she realized at least a part of that had inadvertently been a lie too. Deep in her heart, she knew what she was supposed to do. What she needed to do. But now, away from the heat of the battle and the thick veil of grief, it was hardly as simple as that... "We'll talk about it tomorrow, ok?" She looked back into Tara's eyes, her hand resuming its soothing motion as she stroked soft hair, "We can have a Scooby meeting and talk about our options," She smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring manner, even as the friend in her cursed her for white lies. "You can think about it tomorrow. Right now, you just need to rest."
She stayed by the witch's side for some time, murmuring reassurances to her when she saw the glazed look in her eyes that signified thoughts of Willow. She wished she could stay with the brunette through the night, scare away the nightmares she was sure would plague her mind. But as ragged breathing finally calmed and blue eyes stayed shut, she knew she couldn't stand another second in this room beyond what was needed. Not now. She would just have to make certain she was there in the morning before Tara woke up.
As she stumbled her way into the kitchen, hoping to replace the contents of her stomach that she had regurgitated earlier that day, she was more than a little surprised to see the rest of the group already seated around the kitchen island, sipping cups of coffee or hot chocolate. "You're back," She called to Anya, surprised the vengeance demon was already done teleporting the significant stacks of books from the Magic Box. She wondered just how long she had been upstairs with Tara…
"That's what it looks like," Anya answered with a forced smile as she sipped her coffee, and Buffy noticed the dark circles and messy hair, realizing how battered the demon looked. She had never known teleportation was stressful to the user, but she supposed now that it made more than a little sense. She reached out and squeezed Anya's arm in silent solidarity, feeling closer to the demon after the moment they had shared in Magic Box. The moment when, after watching Willow leave her to the coldness of the empty shop, Buffy had felt slim arms envelop her body into a tight hug. The vengeance demon had stubbornly held on even as Buffy began to push her away in mild annoyance, refusing to let go until the Slayer felt her inhibitions crumble, eventually turning into a sobbing mess in the demon's arms. She had forgotten just how strong Anya was sometimes…
"Probably stupid to ask how everyone's doing, huh?" Buffy absently noted as she moved to join the others in their hot chocolate endeavor. The answer to the unasked question was beyond obvious just by looking at their faces. Both Xander and Dawn looked pale, emotionally and physically worn out, with Xander being on the worse end and looking more than a little sick too. Buffy felt a surge of protectiveness towards Dawn as she moved to stroke her sister's hair and place a light kiss on her forehead, asking her if she was okay just in case. The younger girl just gave her a forced smile and a half hug in response. It tore at Buffy that she had let Willow's remarks get to her this deeply. But the image of a crucified Dawn, hanging limply from the roof of her room refused to leave her mind. "So, what's the rundown?" The Slayer asked the demon as she settled in with her hot chocolate, putting a small plate of cookies on the table, much to Xander's delight, "What books did she take, what can she do with them… Give me the cliff notes."
"Just books about the dark magicks," Anya answered, brows furrowing in concentration as she thought back to the tomes, "She mostly went for the really rare stuff. The kind of books we only keep so than no one else gets their hands on them?" The vengeance demon rolled her eyes at that, clearly unimpressed by a philosophy that essentially made them sit on their money. "She probably probed for the strongest stuff she could find. That's what the magick was that caused Xander to defile my shop." Xander obviously objected to that statement, a task made harder by the half of a cookie that was protruding from his mouth. Buffy wanted to smile at his antics for the first time that day, but the recollection of what it was that had made her friend sick and empty-stomached in the first place quickly crushed that smile. Those magicks… Willow hadn't even been trying to affect them, and yet both times they had nearly brought the Slayer to her knees. And when they had been aimed at her…
"So, Buff," Xander broke the silence that had thickened, and Buffy realized she must have zoned off as the plate of cookies was now a significantly shorter stack, "What's the plan? We gonna snag one of those balls of who's-a-lots? Get all soulsey?" The carpenter questioned with a forced casual tone. Buffy looked up in confusion for a few seconds before she understood what he was talking about, and turned to see Dawn waiting expectantly for her answer. It seemed this a conversation that had already been stated before her…
"Orb of Thesula" Anya corrected with a frown, obviously straining to recall the specifics of the restoration spell, "and that's a very complex spell. I have a few contacts with the gypsies but… I don't really think they have that kind of power anymore."
"Well, yeah," Dawn interjected, seemingly nonplussed that the plan was being shut down so easily, "b-but Willow did it once before, right?" she finished hopefully, the revelation obviously shocking Anya. Buffy was surprised the ritual had never come up during the demon's relationship with Xander, but then realized that it would require the mere mention of Angel, and quickly grew very unsurprised. "Maybe Tara can–"
"No." Buffy interrupted decisively, knowing exactly where the conversation was headed. And that was not a direction she wanted to explore. "You really want to do that to her?" She asked in a softer tone, "Have you seen the state she's in?" She eyed the others incredulously, immediately receiving guilty looks from both Xander and Dawn. She knew she was cheating in using Tara, using her pain, but she couldn't bear to let them think there was a smallest chance at ensoulment… Even the slightest hesitation in facing the redhead demon, the smallest sliver of hope, opened up their hearts to both emotional and physical damage. She had a right to know. "Even if Tara recovers enough to stabilize her casting, she doesn't know the ritual nearly as well as she needs to." She continued to argue, her heart aching at the deflated looks she received from her friends. But this bandage needed to be torn off swiftly, the thorn removed without hesitation. They needed to accept the inevitable. She looked directly at Dawn with understanding, caring eyes, "And she's not Willow, Dawnie…"
A teary Dawn looked at her with eyes filled with defeat, knowing at least somewhat that she was wrong in maintaining hope, but refused to give up without a fight. "But can't we try? It wouldn't hurt to try…" She pleaded in a small voice.
"She'll be able to sense the magicks from a mile away the second you started," Anya answered readily, and Buffy was more than a little relieved to have found an ally in the conversation, "And once she sees what you're doing… Even if she can't physically enter uninvited, it doesn't really stop her from bringing the building down."
"So I guess that's a no on the soul angle…" Xander sighed, resting head in hands as another silence filled the room. All parties quietly contemplated what the obvious alternative would entail. "Maybe," Xander suddenly broke the silence, a hopefulness in his voice that immediately put Buffy on edge, "Maybe we can talk to her? O-Or control her?" Yeah, Buffy definitely didn't like where that was going, "Maybe she wants to be helped?"
"She's a demon, Xander!" Buffy exclaimed, setting her emptying cup of hot chocolate down on the kitchen island with a resonating clash, startling the rest of the Scoobies. This trail of thought was going to get them all killed… "She can't be reasoned with, and she can't be helped. She seemed pretty happy exactly the way she was."
"Hey," Anya scowled, and Buffy stared at her in shock, wondering how in the world she was being argued with on so basic a principle as vampire = bad, "I'm a demon. And I like to think of myself as relatively reasonable." Buffy stiffly reminded her that that wasn't what she'd meant, and that a vampire was just far more dangerous than a vengeance demon. But it seemed to have the opposite effect as intended, and Anya looked decidedly offended. "So you're saying that a thousand-year-old demon, who's now back in the game with fresh new motivation to shred the hearts of the male sex, is less threatening that a newborn vampire that knows how to lift a pencil?" Xander winced as his ex- reminded him of the events that had led to her reintroduction to the vengeance circle, and Buffy internally took a note to keep an eye on the havoc Anya had been causing, hoping it wouldn't force her to intervene…
"That's not what I'm saying Anya," The Slayer attempted to assure her, sighing as the demon still looked unconvinced, "Look, you can only hurt us if we let you. She'll hurt us the first chance she gets," She looked the other Scoobies in the eye as she attempted to remind her friends of the fact that they seemed to have so easily forgotten. "We can control you; we can't control her." Buffy noted a pointed look received from Dawn, coupled with the intake of breath readying for an argument, and immediately knew to interrupt, "And no, Dawn, we don't really have a military-grade chip at our disposal right now…" The teen just rolled her eyes in response, a pout on her lips.
"We can't change her." Buffy concluded for her friends, letting the words hang in the air. They all grew silent as they let their faces fall once more. Even Anya, who hadn't looked too displeased with how things had turned out, wore a defeated frown. Cookies disappeared one by one, and dirty mugs were carelessly piled into the sink, but no one was ready to leave their post. If they left now, they would be faced with the darkness of their beds, which would eventually force them to face the start of the new day.
"She stole my scissors." Anya suddenly exclaimed, just as Buffy was contemplating to disperse the group. Three pairs of eyes turned to her with looks varying from questioning to confused. "She's a thief." Was all Anya answered with.
"Ahn…" Xander trailed, wordlessly asking the demon what in God's name she was going on about. Buffy quite agreed with his unuttered question, though she was more than a little thankful to have the silence be broken.
"You're right, I'm sorry." Anya finally grumbled, letting her head fall into her hands for a few seconds in frustration, "It's just. That's something I can actually do something about…" Her muffled voice reasoned with an exasperated sigh, and Buffy could understand the helplessness she felt. A feeling Dawn and Xander had gotten used to over the years, but one that must be foreign to the vengeance demon. Especially one more accustomed to causing physical pain than receiving emotional one. "I can't really do anything about Willow, or her books, or Dawn…" She lazily listed as she lifted her head again, looking at Buffy with ancient, tired eyes and an apologetic expression. Buffy only smiled back in understanding. Anya was, after all, the only other person who knew about Willow's threat to Dawn. It was what had driven the demon to embrace the Slayer after the encounter, holding her until she let out her bottled emotions in an outburst of betrayal, fear, and pain. But this was not the time to talk about Dawn…
"Wh-What'd I do?" Dawn piped up, as if on cue, suddenly alert at the mention of her involvement. "I wasn't even awake for most of that stuff…" Her voice took the automatic defensive tone of a teenager accustomed to being blamed, almost always with reason, for things going wrong.
"Nothing," Xander assured her with a smile, his tone straining as he recalled the outburst he had heard, only a mild version of the real threat that Buffy had been privy to, "Just. She kinda insinuated that she could do things that might be deemed a little threatening…" Dawn's eyes widened in concern at the introduction of a new threat, and she looked over to Buffy for the Slayer to quell her fears. Xander sensed the tension his words had caused, and hastily attempted to diffuse the situation, "But it was just, you know, whatdya call it? Hyperbole. She wasn't really serious. It was almost like a joke..."
"It was far from a joke, Xander." Buffy answered, her voice on the brink of anger. He had no idea what he was talking about, operating with only a fraction of the knowledge. Knowing only what Willow wanted him to know… Her inability to meet Dawn's gaze further exacerbated her fear, until Anya finally calmed the girl by mentioning the pseudo-threat that was being discussed by Xander, trying her best to downplay the words. Buffy was thankful for the lie from the vengeance demon, and relaxed as her sister calmed down, obviously not taking the specific encounter very seriously.
"She wasn't serious, Buff." Xander continued to argue, his opinion obviously coinciding with Dawn's. Buffy sighed in exhaustion, growing tired of reminding her friends of the nature of a monster, "You heard her, she was angry." He continued, his voice growing almost sad as he recounted the outburst, "God, she looked like she was gonna cry…" Xander deflated slightly with a sigh, his slightly sad tone now turning completely sad, "She was right. She keeps telling us she won't hurt us and we just throw it back at her face with our stupid crossbows." His voice trailed off into a whisper, "She didn't lift a finger on us…"
"Xander…" Buffy warned, no longer hiding her anger. She couldn't believe they were back to this discussion again. A discussion which should rather just be a fact than a discussion. But Willow had been more than a little successful in her collection of allies, implanting doubts and seeds of hope in the people who had once been her friends.
"Look, I know, ok. I was there with Jesse…" He admitted with a defeated sigh, and for a second Buffy allowed herself to relax, hoping against hope that he had finally come to his senses, "But I hadn't known Jesse for most of my life… Jesse didn't care about me the same way Will cares about us." Xander continued stubbornly, and Buffy wondered where all his hidden trust in vampires had been when it had come to Angel all those years ago. "I don't know Buffy," He continued, his voice growing soft and hopeful where it had once been confident and assertive, "She's saying she doesn't want to hurt us, and her actions back her up… I just think we should listen to her. Maybe she'll let us help..."
"She's not going to kill you," Anya agreed just as Buffy was about to launch into another heated argument, "But hurting you is still a little up in the air, I'd say…" Buffy was thankful that words other than her own had been successful in silencing Xander's doubts. She was tiring quickly of playing this tune, especially when it necessitated her to convince herself of her words every time she spoke them… She turned her eyes to the now silent Xander, and could sense him thinking back to his alarming encounter with the pokey end of his arrow. She would have to pull him aside later, the Slayer decided. Tell him about the vampire's cold words and promises of pain. Of the real threat than had been made to Dawn. She knew that was the one thing that could trigger the logic in his brain to function.
"You could talk to her," Dawn suddenly spoke up to Anya, and Buffy groaned in annoyance that the discussion was still somehow continuing, flopping her head into her hands in defeat. "Maybe she'll listen to you. Because you're both demons?" Yes, Buffy decided, she'd have to talk to Xander soon. Very soon. With him still on the fence, and Dawn being as hopeful as she always was, it would be more than she could handle to keep them both in check, not to mention Tara. Dawn, she could handle. But Xander had been the one card she had been depending on. The one person who she had trusted to see the situation for what it was, to see through the emotion. But it was clear that his encounter with Jesse, and his reservations about Angel and Spike, didn't quite factor into the equation when it came to Willow. She supposed she should have expected as much…
"Me?" Anya questioned skeptically, "What can I do?" Buffy pulled her head out her hands for a second as she recalled the demon's brief interaction with the vampire.
"You did talk her out of destroying the world…" Buffy allowed carefully, not quite meaning to encourage Dawn any further, but unable to resist the introduction of a new tactical option. As much as she disliked where the idea had been introduced, she couldn't argue that it was a bad one. If Anya could talk to Willow, the possibilities for taking her down widened immensely. Buffy felt her mind fall back into a familiar rhythm as she thought of possible traps and advantages that could now factor into the mix… For the first time, they could have the slim possibility of truly having the upper hand.
"Buffy," Anya's voice pulled her out of her musing, and she turned to see the vengeance demon frowning deeply in dissent, "I didn't talk her out of anything she actually wanted to do, ok?" Buffy sighed as the words deflated her fleeting moment of power, but couldn't help but nod halfheartedly at what she knew to be true. It could never be that easy, after all… "That girl…" Anya continued, eyes drifting off as she fought back a shiver, "I-I can't touch her. I just can't. And honestly… I don't think I really want to."
"So… what do we do?" Xander's small voice asked after a few minutes had passed. Any further discussion of 'helping' Willow had thankfully been quashed for the time being, and Buffy couldn't quite tell if Xander's question was an attempt to reopen the discussion, or a genuine request for instructions.
"I will do whatever I have to do," The Slayer stressed with a strict frown, "You will not be leaving the house after dusk until we have things under control," She sighed once she received understanding nods from the others, and was forced to consider the question once more. What would she do? Even if the decision to end Willow had been made, it was far from being as easy as it sounded. Both emotionally and physically… Staking Willow brought with it the same pain killing Angelus had, amplified further by the remnants of grief that still made Buffy's insides ache. And as skilled a fighter as Angelus had been… the involvement of magicks was a whole new ballgame for the Slayer. "I don't know, Xand." She admitted quietly, deciding that she was quickly starting to dislike that phrase, "Right now I'm just thinking we do what we can. Protect the books we have… maybe wait till her power drains and she needs more…" Even to her own ears it sounded more than a little hopeless. But it was the only semblance of a plan the Slayer had been able to contemplate so far, hoping that the withdrawal of the dark magicks could at least temporarily weaken the witch as she craved for another hit.
"That's not a good idea…" Anya immediately interjected, her eyes widening with concern for the Slayer that made Buffy more than a little scared herself, "If she actually spends time with those books…" The demon trailed off with a look that was now slowly inching towards being almost impressed, "She's going to get at least ten times more powerful than she was with her temporary boost. And this would be permanent."
Buffy felt an involuntary shiver go through her at the thought, and felt the pressure rising as she was now introduced to the clock she would have to run against. "So what, there's no point?" She asked in a small voice, feeling exhausted and broken, no longer finding herself able to care that Dawn and Xander were still there. No longer feeling capable of being strong… If the witch was only getting more powerful, after an encounter which had already left the Slayer helpless, then was there really any point in faux bravado? "I mean she was already… I couldn't even stand." She slayer whispered mostly to herself, unable to prevent frustrated tears from staining her cheeks, even as she wiped them away a few seconds later. She shut her eyes and attempted to calm herself, not wanting to see the scared looks the Scoobies no doubt wore at seeing their strong Slayer crumble.
"You're not really in your best shape, Buff. None of us are," Xander attempted to console her, and she felt a rough hand envelope one of hers. She clutched it desperately, letting herself be anchored, trying to somehow suck the comfort from him that he was ready to give. Moments like these she would usually spend crying on Tara's shoulder, or Willow's. But now the few safe places the Slayer had to bare her weakness had been stripped from her, leaving her to be comforted by the people she was meant to comfort. "And I mean, we had what was probably the longest day in history… We'll figure things out." Xander squeezed gently at her hand, and she let herself look up at the brown haired boy, preparing herself to see the fear in his eyes that was no doubt shaking through his being. But all she was welcomed with was the warmth of his smile, and love in his eyes. Eyes that she could see were tearing up, but refusing to let that get in the way of being strong for his friend. Even as his cheeks became wet once more, the squeezing of his hand did not falter, and Buffy could only squeeze back. Perhaps this was what she would have to do now. To take comfort wherever she it was offered, even as she was giving it herself…
The boy shuffled over after a few more seconds, offering her a half hug that she heartily accepted. She let herself be lost in the embrace, much like she had with Anya, but this time letting it fill her with strength rather than empty her of tears. The sound of a distant yawn broke her away from the brief moment, and she untangled herself from him with the smallest of heartfelt smiles. "Maybe we should call it a night," She offered Dawn, who had been the originator of the sound. Her little sister smiled thankfully in response. "Xander's right… we have all day tomorrow. Right now I think we all just need some sleep." She gave his hand, which still rested protectively on her shoulder, a small squeeze to let him know she was okay. "I'll call Giles in the morning." She agreed when Dawn brought up the older English man who had been living in London for almost a year, "Preferably sometime in his morning, let him get a good night's sleep too."
The party dispersed slowly, Dawn heading back to her room and Anya teleporting back to hers with a tired stretch. The Slayer offered to make the couch for her male friend, not at all wanting him to step foot outside the house while it was still dark. "So, what do we do at the Scooby meeting tomorrow?" He suddenly asked once Buffy had brought down a pillow and blanket to help him settle down. She looked at him in confusion for a few seconds, not quite understanding what he was getting at. "With Tara?" He clarified in little more than a whisper, his eyes filled with sadness and concern for the witch, "What do we tell her?"
Buffy sighed as she contemplated whether to lie to him as well. She knew quite clearly what the witch was going to try and argue the next day. And she had been fully intending to put a halt to it, much like she had done today. She looked up at the waiting eyes of her friend, and realized this was as good a time as any to have another person in her corner. "There's no other way, Xander," She whispered back to him urgently, relaxing as she saw him offer an answering nod as a sign of acceptance, "I have to kill her… It. Somehow." She trailed, seating herself onto the couch as she reevaluated her decision to tell him about Dawn, wondering if the revelation would only make him too harsh to deal with Tara's grief. "Tara's gonna argue for the soul restoration… But it's just too dangerous. She's never done it before, and with Will's magicks, if she senses what's happening…"
"I know." Xander interrupted her, the earlier argument still clear in his mind. Buffy sighed as she noted the look of sad acceptance his face wore, and decided the man didn't need any more help to understand what needed to be done. She was more than a little thankful for that. Willow's threat was already fading from Buffy's mind like a distant nightmare, and recounting it would only ever allow the vampire to hurt them both.
"We'll just focus on understanding her power for now. Go all Research-mode I think it's probably for the best if we lose ourselves in the books for a while." The Slayer continued as Xander took the seat beside her on the couch, playing with the spare pillow at his side. She trailed off in her thoughts for a second as she began to contemplate what such a research would entail. There had to be at least some historical precedent for this situation. Something to help them understand what was happing to Willow, hopefully something a bit more insightful than a vengeance demon… "If she brings it up, we'll just deal." Buffy continued after a few more seconds of silence, shaking herself out of her thoughts. She sighed and turned to her friend with a pleading look, knowing he understood her concerns, having seen the witch's broken state himself. "I just don't want to give her any false hope, Xand. She's already just barely…" The Slayer trailed off, her voice breaking as she recalled the current lost state of the witch that now slept in her bed. Buffy was sure Tara had already been given some cruelly false hope when she had first seen her lover reanimated, and then once again when she had been offered a place next to the redhead. But those cruel twists of emotion had been out of Buffy's control, perpetrated by the woman that had once claimed to love the brunette witch. And she had no intention of letting the monster get that close to her again.
"I just miss her." Xander whispered in so low a voice, Buffy almost didn't catch it. She turned to see the carpenter staring off into nothingness, the pain apparent in his voice. For a second, Buffy allowed herself to remember what it was like to miss her too, what it had been like before the grief had been replaced with anger and fear. She closed her eyes and imagined Willow walking into the room with them, quelling all their doubts by showing them the research she had pulled up on magickally inclined vampires. She imagined those emerald eyes sparkling in innocent excitement as she informed them that they had found a spell that could protect Buffy from the dark magicks. Imagined the sad but determined smile she would wear as she helped Tara prepare for the spell, willing to take the sidelines.
Then she took a deep breath, letting the air fill up the deep hole that had been left where Willow had once been.
"I know, Xand." She answered with a surprisingly level voice, betraying none of the pain that had resurfaced. "God, I miss her too…" Now it was her turn to take the carpenter's hand and squeeze tightly. Xander looked up at her with a tired smile, assuring her he was okay after a few more seconds. "You should stay here for a while," Buffy offered as she stood from her place on the couch, straightening up the sheets she had just disturbed and letting him recline in the familiar furniture. She insisted when he argued that it probably wasn't necessary, not liking the thought of leaving him alone and inaccessible all night, both because of the danger it posed, and because of the loneliness it would intensify. She needed her friends to be close at a time like this, and he needed to not feel alone at a time when his oldest friend had been ripped away from his life. "It's not a big deal, I promise." She reassured him, encouraged by the hesitance in his next objection, "I can have an air mattress set up in the basement if you want," She offered in case it was the couch that was throwing him off, even though he had already spent plenty a night in that spot, "Or Dawn and I can just sleep in Tara's room…"
The last phrase seemed to stir something in him, and he halted his objections altogether, letting her know he was fine on the couch for as long as she would have him. She smiled and offered him as much comfort as she could muster with a single shoulder squeeze, turning to leave just as she heard his last whisper. "Tara's room…" He murmured, too low for anyone without Slayer hearing to catch, and Buffy felt her body freeze for a second as she heard the words. She hadn't realized before quite how unfamiliar it sounded to her ears; how wrong. She couldn't quite remember the last time she had heard the phrase, even while Willow and Tara had been separated.
She let the silence in the living room stay unbroken with nothing but the sound of her receding footsteps going up the stairs, the words slowly engraving themselves in her head as she peaking in to make sure the witch was slumbering peacefully.
Tara's room…
A/N: I have no excuse for this chapter being as long as it was, I just write too much honestly. This was what I might argue a bit of a 'filler' chapter. Except it's not actually filler and has some stuff that needs to be said... But really in my head any chapter without a healthy dose of drama is a tad filler-y, ya know? I tend to subconsciously hate having short paragraphs (someone just needs to outright tell me that this is a bad habit cause I'll just never fix it otherwise) so this chapter kinda irked me in that regard... Just a lotta dialogue really, and not much exposition to expose.
It's also a bit of an unofficial two-parter kind of chapter. This, along with the next one, serve mostly to - like I said - say some stuff that needs to be said, and more deeply explore some of the characters we haven't seen much of (Dawn, Xander), and some we might be curious about (Willow?).
As always, reviews are welcomed! Sneak peaks are your positive reinforcement! Also, hey, still looking for a chill Beta who might be down to look through my work before I post stuff, and maybe give me a healthy bashing on the head when I worry about unimportant things like paragraph length and braking up dialogue...