TRIGGER WARNING: DRUG ABUSE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT MENTIONS BELOW

Hannah picked me up from work again on Tuesday. She took me to the most progressive place in Forks; a tiny bookstore with a frozen yogurt shop inside. It attracted the few intelligent types in Forks, which were few and far between. That Tuesday, Hannah and I were the only ones in in the whole shop, excluding the bored shop clerk who was blowing bubbles with her pink gum and scrolling through her phone.

"I've been working at the hair salon," Hannah said with a shrug, picking at her froyo. I had finished mine a few minutes ago and was staring absently at the bottom of my empty cup while she filled me in on everything I had missed. "I like it, but the pay isn't great. Mallory Brandenburg has been dancing at a club in Seattle on the weekends and she makes buckets of money, so I'm thinking about that, too. She's pregnant with Brandon Foley's kid, so there might be a spot opening up anyway."

I nodded, but I wasn't interested. I knew Hannah wasn't going to actually start stripping, she thought her thighs were too fat. And Mallory and Brandon had been dating since the 7th grade. All of the gossip just wasn't interesting anymore. I just didn't care.

"Hey," Hannah said, snapping her fingers in my face to get my attention, "I asked you a question, Gracie."

"What?" I said, color creeping up my neck into my ears. Hannah always knew how to make me feel stupid. "What did you say?"

"I asked how Adam's doing," she said, rolling, her dark eyes.

I forgot that Hannah used to have a big crush on Adam. He had never given her the time of day, and I always thought it was weird. He was kind of dorky looking growing up, all legs and arms and Hannah had always been gorgeous.

"Um, he's good. He hit a rough patch his freshman year, when everything started coming out about me, but I think he's doing better. He's graduating in the spring. He's applying to work at NASA, I think, I don't really remember," I said, squinting as I thought about it.

"Oh my god," Hannah exclaimed, breaking up my train of thought. "That reminds me. Do you remember Bella Swan? She got married to Edward Cullen like right after you left. Do you think it was a shotgun wedding?"

I was about to answer when Hannah kicked me under the table. I cried out but she pointed to the bookstore part of the store where—who would have guessed it—the Cullen's walked in.

Well, not all of them. Edward Cullen picked up a used copy of a Jane Austen novel while Jasper Hale and Alice Cullen whispered quietly to each other. As I turned, Alice Cullen immediately met my eyes and smiled widely, dragging Jasper by the hand towards us.

I turned back to Hannah who was nervously spooning froyo into her mouth.

"Okay," I said, "don't freak out but Alice Cullen and I are sort of friends. We went shopping two days ago."

Just as Hannah said "What?" through a mouthful of yogurt, Alice squealed my name and kissed the top of my head.

"Alice," Jasper warned as I leaned away and put a hand on my head where she had kissed me. She hadn't gotten any less weird, I guess.

As soon as my discomfort came, I felt an alien wave of peace wash over me. It trickled down the back of my neck like I was standing under the steady stream of a warm shower. Hannah also visibly relaxed her shoulders removing themselves from her ears. Jasper nodded at me as I gave him a tight smile in greeting.

"How did your date go?" Alice said, ignoring Jasper even as he wrapped an arm over her slight shoulders. She reached up to hold his hand that was hanging over her right shoulder like it was second nature. I suddenly remembered that Seth had done the same thing to me last night.

"Uh, it wasn't a date," I stuttered, looking at Hannah. "I only just met him."

"He's smokin' though," Hannah blurted out, which was very out of character for her. We all turned to look at her and she put more of the bland vanilla frozen yogurt into her mouth with a strange intensity.

Edward broke the silence by bringing his bag of purchased books over. He put his hand on one of Jasper's shoulder and said something so low and so quick that I couldn't make it out, despite the fact that they were standing over me.

"Edward," Alice chimed musically, "Gracie and Seth are dating. Her mom lives right next door to Charlie Swan."

Edward nodded, looking bored.

"Seth's a good guy," he said automatically, like he had been programmed to do it.

I knew Seth was a good guy. I didn't need Bella Swan's new husband to lay it out for me. The problem I was having with Seth was if I was good for him or not. If it would make me relapse if it ended badly. If I could have a physical relationship with him or not.

"I wouldn't worry about it," Edward said, interrupting my inner ramblings. His golden eyes glanced over me curiously, but he didn't smile reassuringly like Alice was. If it wasn't for him blinking, he looked like a standing corpse.

"Well, we have to get this book home. Someone in the house is studying 1800s British literature," Alice said cryptically, then gave a light, high-pitched laugh.

We said goodbye and they left just as quickly as they came.

"What the actual fuck just happened," Hannah said, looking from me to the doors they just left from. "I've never even seen them outside of school. And you can bet your sweet ass they've never talked to any of us."

"I guess even the Cullen's like books," I said with a shrug. Hannah and laughed and through our empty cups in the trash.

I had debated on asking her since I had gotten into the car after work, and now I finally felt comfortable enough to do it. No conversation that we had could be weirder than the one we just had.

"Can I just ask, before anything else happens, you're not mad that I went out with Seth Clearwater are you?" I asked. Hannah grabbed her bag as we both got up from the table and wandered without pressure through the stacks of books towards the door.

"No," she said letting her red-painted fingernail trail thoughtlessly over the spines of the books. "I mean it was never that serious. I met him at a party that Rachel Donovan wanted to go to on the Reservation. He wasn't the hottest one there, but he was the only one that didn't have a girl hanging off of them. It was like a one-night stand thing, as corny as that sounds, but he did drive me all the way home, back in town."

I got the feeling that this was a story she shared with a lot of different boys.

"The only reason that I remembered his car when I saw it was because Rachel had been mad at me for a week after. Apparently, Seth had been the reason that we had gone to the party in the first place. Oh, well, not the first time I've stolen a guy from Rachel Donovan, and it probably won't be the last," she said, laughing at her own act of cruelty. The sound was unfeeling.

"Do you want to come over for a movie tonight?" I asked, changing the subject. "My mom and Disgusting Dan left me his credit card for pizza, and Dan pays for HBO."

She opened the door and I followed her out to street where her car was parked. The sun, which had been out that morning, was now hidden behind a dark cloud. Her car beeped as it unlocked and I slid into the passenger seat with some familiarity.

"As tempting as that sounds," Hannah said, not sounding tempted at all, "Chris Carmichael invited me over tonight. I've been trying to hit that for months."

I frowned, not recognizing the name at all.

"Who's that?"

Hannah smirked, looking almost evil as she leaned over to turn up the volume of a poppy song that talked about getting over some loser guy.

"He's older," she said. "A lot older."

I had finished my pizza an hour ago and I was deep into the fourth Harry Potter movie when I heard the first wolf howl.

Immediately, I froze. I didn't ever remember hearing wolves growing up. We were too close to the city, we made too much noise, my parents had given Adam and I thousands of reasons. This howl was close, too.

Suddenly, the phone rang and I fell off the couch in shock. It was well past 11 o'clock at night. I scrambled to my feet to grab it off of the kitchen counter without checking the caller id. I answered the phone.

"Hello?" I said, catching my breath.

"Gracie? Is that you?"

My heart stopped. I broke out into a cold sweat. Suddenly, I was 14 years old again, hiding under my covers, praying that tonight would be the night that he wouldn't come into my room.

"Gracie?" My father said again. I let the phone fall out of my grasp, my hand going limp. I held my arms close to my chest as I felt my heart rate pick up exponentially.

I stared down on the phone like it was going to turn into a snake and bite me. For the first time in six months, I wanted a drink.

I didn't know what to do. A million thoughts were going through my head all at once. I wanted to talk to Adam, I wanted to get high, I wanted a drink, I wanted to I wanted to I wanted to

Run.

I was running, through the woods, towards the treehouse. My bare feet felt like they were barely touching the pine needles that covered the ground below me. This was the only place I knew that he wouldn't follow me in the treehouse.

I hit the tree at full force, climbing like there was someone chasing me. It felt like there was. It always felt like there was someone chasing me, like there was someone right behind me, and they were going to grab me and hold me down and ignore me begging for them to stop. They were going to force their way inside of me and then pretend they loved me.

His voice brought every memory, every second of it, back to me. I had been pushing it down, farther and farther, and I thought it didn't bother me anymore.

I threw up off the side of the treehouse, all of the pizza I had eaten coming right back up. I screamed until I was hoarse. After I couldn't scream anymore, I started crying. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I cried for hours probably, pressed up against the side of a staple from my childhood. My arms wrapped around my knees, keeping them pressed tightly to my chest as I cried until I tired myself out.

I woke up hours later in the early light of the morning. Immediately, I noticed that I needed some water.

Blinking, I got up. My curly hair was caught on a piece of wood and I yanked my head up harshly, leaving a ringlet or two behind. With aching joints, I climbed back down the tree on the rickety old steps, avoiding the step that I had missed the last time I was at the treehouse.

The oversized t shirt that I was wearing was probably Adam's, and I used the collar to scrub away the tracks of dried tears on my cheeks. Like a sleepwalker, I walked into the open front door of my house and up the stairs to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth to take out the taste of vomit. I changed into my work clothes and ran a brush through my wild hair and walked downstairs.

No one had broken in during the hours I had been MIA. I felt detached from that time, like it hadn't happened. I cleaned up the pizza trash and turned off the television. I picked up the phone and put it back on the cradle. As soon as I replaced it, it started ringing.

All of the crazy emotions I felt last night didn't come back. I picked the phone back up and checked the caller id. It was a local area code, and I answered the call.

"You said I could call on Wednesday," a deep voice said. I let out a breath that was making my chest tight. I sat down on the couch, bracing my arm on my leg and letting my head fall onto my open hand.

"Hey," I said, choking on a lump in my throat, "I said call tonight, not 6 am."

"Gracie," Seth said, sounding serious. "What's wrong? Why do you sound like that?"

"Um, it's a really long story," I said, laughing but sounding watery. I sniffed and wiped the tears that were falling again. "God, it's such a long story."

"I'm on my way," Seth said.

"Seth don't, seriously," I said, but the line was already dead. I took the phone from my ears and stared at it.

I had never had a friend like Seth who was willing to drop everything to come help me even when he didn't know what was wrong. Adam is the closest thing I had to it, but he had responsibilities and he was so far away. Maybe Hannah was at one time, but it had been a long time and she wasn't like that anymore. My mom was always gone, she always had been, but when she was here she was overwhelming.

I don't know how long I had sit there considering the home phone when there was a knock on the front door. I got up, checking the clock, and it had only been ten minutes since Seth had called. He must have sped over here.

Seth was completely shirtless and wearing the same cutoff denim shorts that he had been wearing before. He was breathing hard, like he had been running, and I stared at his chest again.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I whispered, moving aside to let him in.

He walked to the couch and sat down staring up at me as I moved to stand in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. He glanced around at the fairly clean house and said, "Where are your parents?"

I shrugged and nosed at where the carpet was coming up with my nude ballet flats. "My mom and her boyfriend have been gone for a few days," I said. "I think she went with him on a business trip somewhere."

"Well what's wrong?" Seth said, standing up and filling the whole room with his giant body. He reached me in two huge strides and was standing inches away. I avoided his warm brown eyes like the plague.

He was too nice. I couldn't tell him; he wouldn't know what to do. It might be the worst thing he's ever heard.

Instead, I reached out my shaking hands to place them on his bare chest. He flinched slightly, probably because my hands were freezing cold after sleeping outside in just an oversized t-shirt and his body felt feverish. He didn't move away, though.

"I just need," I said, whispering. I cleared my throat and I said louder, "I need you to kiss me, Seth."

Seth looked at me for a moment, my blue eyes caught finally in his dark ones. His smile was gone, replaced with a serious line. As if he against his will, he wrapped an arm around my back and pulled me towards him so that our bodies were flush against each other. Both of my arms were trapped under his body and he cradled the back of my head in his hand as he leaned down and I got on my tippy toes to touch our lips together.

The other night, we kissed so fast it almost felt like it didn't happen. Now it was slow and deliberate, and I felt him holding back everything. He pressed his lips chastely to mine three times, letting them linger there, like a tease.

I wanted to lose myself in him, wanted to forget about my father and what he had done to me. It was sick; I felt sick about it. With Seth it didn't feel like that. It was so pure, the way he was holding me, I felt like he thought I could actually break.

When he pressed his lips to mine again, I opened my mouth and let my tongue trace the line between his lips. He let me pry him open and I freed my arms to wrap around the back of his neck as he hoisted me up off of the ground, hooking both of my legs around his waist. His arms held against the wall as I kissed down his jaw to his neck. I grazed the spot his jaw met his neck with my teeth before sucking. I heard Seth gasp in my ear and I ran my tongue over the spot before releasing, satisfied with the mark I would leave there.

Seth tasted like salt and something sweet, just like he smelled like the pine trees and summer. My mouth found his again as he reached under my skirt to cup my ass in one of his hands. He ran his fingers around my waist until they found the front of my panties. He dipped his fingers inside.

I moaned as his fingers pushed aside my lips and he stuck a finger inside of me. His thumb made quick work of finding my clit and I moved against him, leaning my head back. Seth's eyes were open and looking at me. I recognized the look in his eye.

"Stop," I said, unwrapping myself from him. He let go of me immediately and backed away.

"I'm sorry," he said uselessly, as if it was something he'd done.

"I need to go to work," I mumbled, feeling angry all of the sudden. I wasn't angry at Seth, more myself for jerking him around like this.

"I'll drive you," he said. I nodded and grabbed my bag and rain jacket, following him out of the door.

We drove silently to the law office. I stared out the window as the trees rushed by and the light drizzle of rain streaked across the glass. The was an old Eagles song playing on the radio and Seth tapped out the rhythm onto the steering wheel. I only let one tear escape, and I wiped it away without Seth even noticing.

We pulled into the parking lot and Seth cut off the engine.

"Thank you for coming over and driving me," I said. "You really didn't have to do that."

"I couldn't help it," Seth said simply. I expected him to smile or laugh, or to make a joke about how I probably couldn't stay away from him either, but he didn't do any of that. He just looked back at me, as serious as could be.

"There's things I have to tell you. A lot of things. I like you, I do. I think you're a good friend. But that's all you can be to me right now. I shouldn't have asked you to kiss me," I said. Seth's eyes held an emotion that was heartbreaking to me, whatever it was. It filled me with longing and nostalgia.

"I'll be whatever you want me to be, Gracie," he promised.

"I can still go to the thing at 7," I said, "but we'll have to go as friends."

He nodded and I jumped out of the car, waving to him as I ran into the building. My hair was frizzing up, so I tied it back. I shut the door behind me as I watched the Bronco from inside. I could clearly see Seth behind the wheel. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly and his head hung down. He took out his phone and called someone before tearing out of the parking lot.

During work I surfed the internet. Mr. Nelson didn't notice or didn't care, I wasn't paying attention. It was a slow day anyway, no one filed for divorce I guess. Finally, around lunch, I found what I was looking for… and NA meeting. I told Mr. Nelson I was taking an hour for lunch and walked to the local church.

By some miracle, everyone at the meeting was a total stranger. I sat down and felt myself get lost in the familiarity of it all. The group leader could have been the pastor, I wouldn't know. My parents obviously weren't overly religious.

When it was time to share stories, I was the second one to stand up.

"Hi, my name is Grace," I said. I paused as the other NA meeting goers responded. "I'm almost a year sober. My last Xanax was last October and my last drink was last August." I paused again for light clapping.

"I was sexually abused by my father from the ages of 11 to 16," I said. "I moved away from Forks when I was 16 after my mom and my brother found out. I lived with my brother in Alaska after that, and I've only been back in Forks about a week. I've met a guy, but I don't trust myself with him. I'm really attracted to him, but I'm scared getting physical would make me relapse. Last night, my father called the house and I answered. It was the first time I've heard his voice in years. I lost my mind, and I ran away from my house and fell asleep outside. If I get physical with this guy, I'm scared it could trigger me. Last night was the first time in a long drink I've wanted to have a drink or pop a pill.

"I've also been hanging out with one of my friends from childhood recently, and all I can think about is how she Knows about my father. And she's had to pick me up off the floor when I got black out drunk so many times that I don't remember. And she used to take those pills with me. And I'm scared what she'll do with that information. I feel paranoid about it.

"But I also feel happy. I like Seth. He's there for me all of the time. This morning he called me and came over right away. He's really great. But I don't want to lead him on. I'm going to tell him everything, and if he Knows, then he Knows. I'm tired of letting the threat of my father invade my personal life. It's time to let him go," I said.

The group of people stared back at me. Finally, after a long moment, the pastor said, "thank you for sharing your story," and the audience clapped politely. I smiled, left the meeting, and went back to work.