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So far... One day before starting Hogwarts, eleven-year-old Lily Luna Potter was sent back in time to take the place of her grandmother for a few hours. But the Time-Turner was lost when disease struck the elm tree in which it was hidden so Lily Potter had to continue the pretence of being Lily Evans, not just for hours, but for several years at Hogwarts. There she'd met James whom she hated because of his arrogant bullying – particularly of the young Severus Snape. Now read on...
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Chapter 3
Changing Circumstances
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In Denial
During the summer holidays after her fifth year at Hogwarts, Lily lost her way. Back in the future, the girl had yearned to be an Auror like her dad. She'd been far too young for such an ambition to be anything but childish idealism in an effort to emulate and impress her father –though it had given her life meaning and direction. Now she had no real life at all. She was living a fiction, a fakery, she told herself.
Without lessons, there was little to occupy her mind at the Evans home. Lily took to walking around the garden or sitting with a book propped up on her knees. Often the story would lose her interest and she'd find herself staring at the place where the great tree had once stood, still not quite believing the Time-Turner was gone forever.
It was gone alright. She'd dug over the spot more than once but her efforts had been futile. Lily felt ruined, worthless, a soul in a body without a real life.
"Post!" Mrs Evans called from the backdoor.
Lily looked up. Her adopted mother was pointing up in the sky. Sure enough an owl was winging its way down to her: a Hogwarts owl.
"It'll be next year's book list." She rose to her feet and moved to the nearby fence so the bird could perch. From her pocket she found a few owl treats and exchanged them for the envelope tied to the outstretched leg.
The girl was right of course but there was something more:
"My exam results!" Lily had quite forgotten her O.W.L.s; they hadn't seemed that important. Now she felt a rising curiosity as she studied the list. The fact that she'd attained an Outstanding in Potions didn't surprise her but another in Defence! Astronomy too! And... she gaped.
"Well?" said Mrs Evans, who had come smiling to her side.
"Eight Outstandings! And even an Exceeds Expectation in History!"
Mrs Evans hugged her. "Well done, darling."
As she released her, something shiny slipped down into the grass at their feet.
"What is that?" said Mrs Evans.
Lily reached down then stared in disbelief at what she found. "It's a prefect badge..."
"Oh, Lily! I'm so proud of you!"
After scrabbling in the envelope, Lily found a second letter confirming her new status. Only then did she accept what had happened. "They've made me a prefect?"
Over the next few days, as Lily contemplated the results and her new duties, a change took place in her thinking. She'd been accepted for what she was! So what if she wasn't the real Lily Evans? McGonagall would not hand out a prefect badge to just anyone! And her exam results? She hadn't really tried – no! she'd worked hard without really caring! Without attaching any real purpose to her studies, she had put in a lot of time on the the task, mostly to occupy herself.
Another thought suddenly occurred to her: James! She could now put that insufferable toerag in his place! No way on this Earth would McGonagall have made that arrogant bully a prefect. Just let me catch him now with his wand out in the corridors!
There was a glee of anticipation as she boarded the Hogwarts Express at the start of September, and walked slowly along the corridor while glancing into every compartment she passed. Lily turned slightly when she reached James and his friends, making sure her shiny new toy would catch his eye. It appeared to do so! Was that regret or remorse she saw on his face? Certainly his shoulders sagged a little as she swept proudly on. Why, she might almost feel pity for the...
She stiffened herself and lengthened her stride. He's an arrogant, insufferable PRAT! she reminder herself firmly. Yes!
Her attitude was bolstered even further when she found Remus Lupin amongst the other prefects in the prefects carriage. James had been fully put in his place!
But no matter how hard she tried over the following months, she could not catch him out in a single misdemeanour. Certainly, according to rumour, Severus and he were still exchanging painful hexes, but never when she was around. Other than that, the boy had lost his strut and Lily could not but think that envy of her own promotion had something to do with that.
"Why are you so preoccupied with him, anyway?" said Mary Macdonald one day as they sat together in the Gryffindor reading room. "Anyone would think you fancy him."
Lily almost knocked her homework on the floor as she swept out her arms in fervent rejection. "Me? Me and that... that... dreadful ... conceited ..."
"Take a breath now and again," smirked Mary. "He's good-looking.."
"P'uh!" cried Lily disdainfully.
"Polite and kindhearted.."
"Are you seriously mental?"
"Open your eyes. He's changed this last year. All the girls are after him."
"Except ME!" Lily spat out between gritted teeth.
Nevertheless, she grudgingly admitted to herself, there had been an early encounter where James had helped a first-year who'd stepped onto the wrong moving stair. Lily had assumed the worst:
"Leave him alone, Potter, or I'll deduct points!" she'd shouted up at them before pushing past a bewildered Sirius to flounce off to her next class. She'd never believed the protests James had shouted after her, and she refused to believe them now – certainly not in front of Mary who'd accused of her actually liking the bully.
"He's a useless, nasty dirt bag and just as ugly," Lily insisted both to Mary and herself.
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The Thaw
For the rest of the school year, circumstances tried to sway Lily, but she was adamant in her opinion of James Potter. However, fate began to test her most cruelly at the start of her seventh year:
"Head boy? YOU? I don't believe it!" Lily stared as James Potter and Remus Lupin swayed into the prefects carriage as the Hogwarts Express accelerated noisily over the switching points out of Kings Cross on its long journey to Hogwarts.
"Believe me, I was as surprised as you," James replied.
"But you were never even a prefect! How are you supposed to instruct...?" She waved her arms towards the new recruits who were listening with interest. Remus moved to one side looking decidedly uncomfortable.
"For that, I bow to your own experience and expertise," said James, pointing at her own Head Girl badge then literally bending over at the waist in a sweeping gesture of obeisance.
Lily huffed and she puffed but there was no getting out of it. As Head Boy and Girl they would have no choice but to cooperate and act as a team.
To his credit, James endured her coldness during the months into December. His concessions were many and his demeanour always considerate and polite, making it very difficult for Lily to find fault. There were less opportunities anyway, for they were both extremely busy studying for their N.E.W.T. exams. Leisure time was almost non-existent so fault-finding had to be winkled out of their shared Head duties. Oh, she tried right enough:
"But haven't you–?"
"–I did it earlier. Was that alright?"
"I suppose... and what about–?"
"–I wanted to give you the option. I know how you like organising the patrol duties."
"Hmpf..."
She felt his absence over the Christmas holiday and by February, her manner towards him was softening such that when he suggested they carry out their watch duties together during a Hogsmeade weekend, she agreed without thinking it through. There was still a little snow on the cobbled streets. James guided three second-years around a deep slushy puddle and conjured up a warning sign. And when, about lunchtime, he noticed Lily shiver, he suggested, through chattering teeth, that they take a hot meal in the Three Broomsticks together.
"What happened to you?" she carelessly blurted her thoughts as he began spooning out a warming broth into her bowl.
He didn't speak for a while and she thought his jaw might still be frozen.
"You happened to me," he finally said, and he laid down the serving spoon and offered her bread sticks.
"Hi, Lily!" cried Mary, Flo, and Norman in a greatly exaggerated sing-song fashion as they walked by, dragging cold air in with them as they walked towards the bar. Lily glared at them but was glad of the distraction. It gave her time to think.
"You changed because of me?" She waved away the bread and began sipping hot broth with her spoon.
"You set a high benchmark." He watched her lips curving over the shiny metal. "Looks delicious."
She nodded and a little gravy drooled down her chin, much to her annoyance.
"We should do this more often," he said, waggling a soggy steaming piece of bread at her before consuming it in one big gulp.
She frowned at him. "Don't count this as one of your conquests, Potter."
He sighed. "When, oh when will you start calling me James? I've asked you often enough."
"When you stop calling me Evans." She immediately regretted what she'd said.
"I've not called you Evans in ages."
"You don't call me anything!"
He pushed away his dish half-finished. He seemed to be struggling to say something. "I never liked calling you Evans and..."
"And what?"
"and yet you snap at me so much, I'm... afraid to call you Lily – unless you want me to, that is."
If he'd hoped for her to offer, then he was disappointed. The surrounding chatter of the packed room swelled at that moment and took some to time to diminish. She swallowed her last spoonful before carefully snorting. It didn't sound as disparaging as she'd expected. "You? Afraid?"
"I hate it when you ... hate me."
"Ready for your steaks?" Rosmerta was moving in with a tray. "You are both seventeen, right? They're part-steamed in brandy pepper with a flame-grill finish."
They nodded. "Thanks, Rosmerta," said James.
They began their main meal in silence for a while.
James finished his first mouthful then cleared his throat nervously. "Lily... I can call you Lily, can't I?" – Lily was preoccupied with the flavour and delicate texture of the meat so she kept quiet as he continued mumbling – "I want you to know... that is... I know you've... I mean... I do care about you..."
"This is so tender," she said as she sawed off another tiny portion of steak and popped it in her mouth.
Encouraged, he went on, "Yes, well, uumm... it's what I've felt for some time. So... uuh... is it alright then...?"
"It's more than alright," she smiled. "It's so sweet and... well, it's simply lovely. I've never had this before."
He blinked. "Would you go out with me then? Properly, I mean?"
"What?"
"A date? On a real date?"
She frowned. "You still trying that on?" She paused while another little piece of the beef almost melted in her mouth.
Through the nearest window, the sky darkened quite quickly, and Rosmerta, expecting a storm, raised her wand to brighten the torches.
The room swam in Lily's eyes slightly but it didn't matter. The meal was delicious and the atmosphere intoxicating; she was enjoying the occasion. She heard herself say, "I'll think about it."
The windows brightened and Rosmerta, puzzled, lowered her wand.
James sat up straighter in his chair and his eyes widened. He'd expected her to say no. "Another Hogsmeade? Or Easter is only weeks away. We could go Muggle if you prefer? Pin Bowling? Moving Pictures? Boat up the Thames to Kew Gardens? Make a day of it? You live down there, don't you?"
His enthusiasm made his enticements sound so romantic that she'd didn't have the heart to tell him she lived in the midlands near a grimy, polluted river in Cokeworth. She was of age now and the Evans weren't really her legal guardians anyway, were they? She could book a hotel room in London and they'd never know. They'd think she was still at Hogwarts. "Okay then."
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No Swagger
When Lily and James returned to Hogwarts later that afternoon she excused herself and went to her dorm for a lie-down. After a couple of hours sleep she awoke with a slight headache and could not help but wonder about the strength of the brandy used in the preparation of the steak. Had she really agreed to go to the Three Broomsticks with James Potter? Had he then contrived to get her drunk? It was unlikely because she herself had chosen the meal.
Tentatively she went downstairs, half-expecting to find James bragging about his latest victory to half the common room. Instead, he strode over from a corner seat looking very concerned.
"You alright, Ev... uuh... Lily? I was worried about you."
"Just tired out. I'm going to ask Madam Pomfrey for a headache potion."
"I'll come with you... uumm, would you like me to come with you?"
She squinted at him, still only half-awake. Is this really the James Potter I've hated for the last six years? "Yes if you want to."
They walked in silence for a few moments then James said, "Are we still good?"
"Good?"
"For Easter? Kew Gardens?"
Lily's headache suddenly pounded more ferociously. Merlin's Bones! I agreed to go on a date cruising up the Thames with James Potter! She could hardly back down, not even for James Bloody Potter!
She nodded and waves of pain crashed across her skull.
He stiffened, unsettled by her less than enthusiastic agreement. When they reached the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey quickly administered a potion, he put her halfhearted response down to the distraction of her pain.
Nevertheless, through the following month, whenever she was not occupied with her N.E.W.T.s, he redoubled his efforts to win her heart. He was not stupid. James knew that ruffling up his hair and catching snitches was not going to impress a smart girl like Lily Evans. Remus and Sirius both recommended he simply let his good side show through.
"Just be yourself," said Lupin, "but without the swagger."
That came easier than James expected. Indeed, he seemed to have lost much of his swank during the previous year. Other girls had certainly noticed and, while a few had lost interest, many were even more enamoured of the boy.
Nor was this lost on Lily. In the weeks up to Easter she occasionally felt twinges of possessiveness. She'd even begun to worry that, since the galaxy still hadn't collapsed into a black hole, perhaps the real Lily might yet discover the means to return to her and steal James away. Her features stiffened at the thought. That girl had no right to come back after all this time!
The trip to Kew went well. The air had been cool over the water but James had thoughtfully brought along a spare sweater which he gallantly offered to her. In the gardens they walked among the trees, lunched in the open air. Astonishingly, she did not resist his kiss on the journey back down the Thames...
By summer there could be no doubt that they were both very much in love. The release that followed the final N.E.W.T. exam opened up new opportunities. They met frequently while awaiting the results and discussed a career together in the Auror service.
The real Lily Evans was mostly forgotten. Within a year of leaving Hogwarts, Lily Potter married James Potter without any qualms of conscience. She had come to believe that cause and effect could only travel forward and never back in time. That although Harry Potter and therefore herself could not possibly exist in the future, she herself had avoided extinction by travelling back in time – out of reach of future consequences. She would make the best of her new life. Whatever would be would be.
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Great Expectations
The couple did join the Auror service and were soon embroiled in the war against Voldemort. But not all was doom and gloom:
"So there's no doubt?" said Lily as she watched the St. Mungo's healer studying the glow of colour caused by her spell.
"You're pregnant alright," smiled the woman. "You can expect a baby next July or possibly August. Most likely a girl but we can't be certain yet."
Waves of emotion passed through Lily's mind. The prospect of raising a little girl, leading her through all the difficulties of growing up, was a joyful one to contemplate. Wait till she told James! What name would they choose? Anna? Helen? Or something more exotic as a counterpoint to their more mundane surname? Seriphany? Yes, Seriphany Potter sounded grand. She'd put it to James that night.
They had set up home in a little cottage in Godric's Hollow. Lily wondered if it might even have been the same one her grandparents had chosen, but that wasn't important now.
James was sent for on the day that Lily was taken into St. Mungo's once more. How he fretted and worried in the waiting room outside the labour wards!
Protected by a charm, she was spared the worst of the pain – though Lily had a surprise when the midwife presented the young mother with her new baby!
James was called in to be with his wife and it would not have been easy to determine which of them glowed more.
"Well," he said, "we've not prepared for this. 'Seriphany' is definitely out!"
"His name's Harry," said Lily, very firmly as she gazed at the dark tousled patch of hair and the beautiful eyes of grey that she now felt certain would, in a few months, match her green. "Harry James Potter."
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The Great Escape
Anxiety grew for Lily during Harry's first year. She knew now that the circle of fate would not be denied and that, during magical time travel, cause did go back time to affect the past. Naming Harry had pronounced a death sentence upon herself, but could she somehow save James? How? Perhaps she might arrange for him to be called away next Halloween? And yet future history had already recorded his presence at home and his murder.
An illusion then? There were ways to replace a body with a replica. But how could James escape past Voldemort's anti-Apparition and anti-Portkey wards? There was a way, but James would need to know everything. Everything!
How could she? How could she possibly tell him that she'd tricked him into marrying his own as-yet-unborn granddaughter? Yet her love for James was far greater than her fear of him hating her.
An evening was taken up by the tortuous explanation of how she'd used the Time-Turner. Then a week for him to accept it. He'd been too shocked to think it through on the Monday. By the next day he'd rejected her story. On the Wednesday he was furious. James wept for most of Thursday – then begged her forgiveness on the Friday. Saturday was a day of disputing the details:
"But you can be saved too!" he cried.
Lily's shoulders sagged. "I thought you already understood? If I don't sacrifice myself then Harry will die instead. I will never be born and..." Visions of galaxies imploding arose in her mind. "If I'm not going to die then it won't be a true sacrifice, will it?"
James appeared to shrink into himself. He sank down onto a chair, staring at his son crawling on the floor; the boy was learning to stand with help now, but James yearned to save him from his later fate.
"That bloody Vernon! I'll–!"
"You can't! You can't change anything that is known to have happened! And that reminds me, stop glaring at Peter. You mustn't make him suspect that we know."
"Suspect? I'll rip his guts out and strangle him with them – then he might begin to suspect!"
Lily sighed. "Let's go over the plan once more. ... On Halloween night we'll be playing with Harry."
She dragged him to his feet then pointed to an ornamental pottery stag on the sideboard. "Imagine that is the carcase of the young buck we'll be using, but hidden underneath the sideboard." She moved it there. "That part of the floor can't be seen from the window," Lily added as she went over to confirm the angle once more.
"I go upstairs to warm Harry's cot, light his lantern, and so on like I normally do." She went to the open doorway. "That will be your cue to transfigure the real deer into your image – well, I'll remind you anyway. No, maybe you do it first then I go upstairs is better. It'll be gross enough, we don't want to do it too early." She came back into the middle of the room and stared at him. "Go on then, do it!"
Sullenly he did so and a pottery figure of himself sulking now lay below the cabinet.
Lily went back to the doorway. "Okay, so I go upstairs like I said and you continue playing with Harry. Amuse him with your coloured smoke thing but I don't think such incidentals matter. Remember, at this point Voldemort will be at the fence and looking through the window at you, so look happy!"
James forced a twisted smile.
"When I come back down, you hand Harry over to me then throw your wand onto the sofa. ... Do it!"
He threw it onto the settee.
"After I've taken Harry upstairs, the front door will burst open. You must grab your wand, conceal it, run into the hall but only halfway outside this door, then shout up the stairs to me, 'Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off–' ... Go on, DO IT!"
James picked up his wand then walked slowly into the hall and said in a monotone, "Lily, take Harry and go. It's him. Go. Run. I'll hold him off."
Lily ran past him to the front door, turned, and pulled out her own wand. "Now I'm Voldemort, right? As I raise my wand you must summon the body – silently remember, and with your wand obscured – then instantly use the Revulsion jinx to throw yourself backwards hidden by the bright green flash."
"I'll be dead and anyway he won't fall for that."
"He'll see what he expects to see! He'll throw the killing curse and see your body fall down. Look, this is what we're going to do so IT MUST HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED! This is how it always happened – get it?"
"No."
"Do it anyway. Ready?"
"No. Listen, we could use Portkeys instead. I can get them from work and no questions asked."
Lily groaned with exasperation. "They won't go through Voldemort's wards, remember?"
"They won't need to, will they? ... I'm talking about switching the bodies, not escaping."
"Aah... yes, that's right! He'd never think of any reason to use a Portkey to move within the house, would he? Yes, let's do that. ... Okay, for now, let's test it how I said. Ready?"
He braced himself, then she raised her wand. "Lumos Viridi!"
There was a flash of green and she saw the little figurine crash to the floor where James had been. "Merlin's Bones!"
"Well?" said James, as he came back out of the living room and repaired the ornament with a swish of his wand.
"It actually bloody worked! It looked convincing and it'll be even better with Portkeys!"
He grinned despite himself.
"Your performance was rubbish though," snapped Lily, wiping the smile off his face. "You'd better liven your ideas up if you want to save your son's life next Halloween."
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Back to the Future
"LILY! BEDTIME!" Ginny shouted from the house.
"COMING, MUM!" cried little Lily Evans, scrambling over the hedge. She bit her lip in sudden dread at the enormity of what she had done in sending Lily Potter back in time, then, after a few hesitant moments, she walked slowly up the gloomy path towards the house.
Ginny called from the kitchen. "Cocoa?"
"Not tonight, Mum," said the girl. "I'm tired. I'll go straight up to bed. I don't want to be late in the morning."
"No," came Harry's voice very sternly. "Come in here please, Lily."
"What? ... Why?"
"Come here," repeated Harry. "We want to see you. We all want to see you."
Grudgingly, young Lily Evans walked slowly into the kitchen, lowering her gaze so they might not see her face too clearly.
"Lily," said Harry, "I'd like you to meet my father, James Potter."
The girl's mouth fell open as she looked up to see an older man beside Harry and Ginny.
"Hello Lily," said the man. "I've heard so much about you."
"But – but... I uuh... pleased to meet you, sir, but erm... I have to get to bed. Have to be up early in the morning."
She started to turn away but the man said, "It was the real Lily Potter who told me all about you. She said there's no point in worrying about the Time-Turner anymore – it was accidentally destroyed. Lily Potter then became marooned back in 1971 and you can't help her there anymore. I'm afraid that... ah..."
The sound of the garden door could be heard opening followed by footsteps approaching the kitchen.
"Here she is now..."
A middle-aged witch with greying hair entered. "Hello Lily. I couldn't resist lurking behind the hydrangea bush to see myself off."
The eyes of Lily Evans bulged in astonishment. "Lily...? You're Lily Potter? But I just..."
The woman nodded. "The plan failed. Disease destroyed the old elm and your Time-Turner was lost with the tree's removal. Knowing you could never return, I took your place – not just for a few hours, but for life."
"Noooo...!" Lily Evans blinked tears of shock as the result sank in of her impulsive action of only minutes before. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Don't be," said James. "We have a wonderful life and in a curious way, you saved yourself and myself from an early grave."
"Cocoa," insisted Ginny. "Take a seat, everyone. There's room for all."
There was a shuffling of chairs as they gathered around the kitchen table.
Harry said, "We've known my parents for years – ever since we left Hogwarts ourselves actually – but we could never tell you until–"
"–tonight," said Ginny, "but we never knew exactly which night. We couldn't risk us knowing... that is, if we'd have known, I'd probably have prevented..." She stopped pouring cocoa to mop at her eyes once more.
"Oh, Mum..." said the older Lily. "You've not lost me, and now you have another child to love and care for as well."
"But you're...?" spluttered Lily Evans, "you're older now than your own Mum?"
Lily Potter smiled. "And my father is also my son, aren't you, Dad?"
The young girl almost dropped her cocoa.
"You'll always be our Lily," said Harry. "We've always thought of you as our little girl all grown up," he said solemnly.
Lily Potter said, "Because that's the only way you remember me." She sighed. "We longed to meet you during all those years of secrecy and separation while you were at Hogwarts."
Little Lily Evans said, "But why did you have to hide all that time?"
James said, "You might not know yet but Voldemort planned to kill us. With our foreknowledge, I escaped Voldemort and went into hiding."
"You did? But what about you, Lily?" said the young girl.
James smiled at his wife. "She had to knowingly sacrifice herself to save Harry."
"So how...?"
"As she was allowing herself to be killed, I switched her body for another using Portkeys exactly as I'd done for myself. She's still not forgiven me for not telling her in advance!" he smirked. "Which of course, I couldn't."
Lily Potter mock-glared at him.
But Harry was looking at his mother with overwhelming pride and admiration. "And I'm forever grateful for what you did for me – as my Mum."
"That's alright. Anything for you, Dad."
"But..." Lily Evans had abandoned her cocoa and was squirming with the enormity of what she was hearing. "But, Lily, if you are your own grandmother, who did you descend from? Where did you come from?"
"Well, I've acquired much from Mum of course, especially my red hair, but my eye colour I could not inherit; it began solely with me and is a product of the eternal mystery of Time which demanded my eyes match yours. In some ways, I, myself, am a child of Time."
"Then what am I?" wailed Lily Evans. "I'm nothing at all. I'm not the real Lily Potter." She turned to Harry who stood beside her. "I'm not your real daughter and now I won't be your mother either! I don't belong anywhere and I can't be loved again."
Harry's hand settled on her shoulder. Ginny swept around the table and took the girl into her arms. "You belong to us now, Lily Evans, and know this: we've been thinking of you as Harry's mum even if you weren't, and so loved you for a very long time."
"All my life," said Harry.
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The End
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Author's Notes
In her review to Chapter 1, Alicia Olivia Mirza pointed out that in the books Lily Luna doesn't inherit her grandma's eyes, only Albus does. That's why JK Rowling expressed it that way rather than explicitly say Lily Luna's were some other colour. JKR knew you see, that one day someone would discover her great secret: That Lily Luna always was her own grandmother, so she could never inherit from herself because she is her own origin! Honest! ;)
Many thanks for all comments and reviews. These are most welcome and very encouraging. Let me know of any weaknesses or faults – I'm always trying to improve my writing so feedback is really useful. :)
– Hippothestrowl
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