It was surprisingly easy for Lexa to slip past the guards in camp and out into the woods. She had complete faith in the men and women under Indra's command so she suspected they had been ordered to let her pass. She wasn't stupid – she took her sword, a dagger and her eyes never left the shadows as she paced through the trees – but she desperately needed to be free of the suffocating atmosphere of the camp.

As she paced out into the thickening woods she could feel the invisible bands of iron around her chest loosening. She inhaled great lungfuls of the crisp mountain air and closed her eyes as she envisioned it rushing through her body and cleansing everything in its path.

Sometimes she felt as though the only place she could think clearly was in the freedom of the woods.

The Trikru were on the brink of war with the Mountain and everything hinged upon the choices that Lexa made next. So why was her head filled with thoughts of piercing blue eyes and alabaster skin? In frustration, Lexa shook her head and slammed the flat of her palm against a tree.

Did that make you feel better? asked Costia with amusement.

"Shut up," Lexa retorted weakly, pressing her forehead against the rough bark of the tree's trunk. The rawness of nature grounded her when she felt as though she was spinning out of control.

Really? I thought the whole reason you came out here was to talk to me? Costia commented.

"What the hell am I doing?" Lexa murmured, pushing herself away from the tree. She turned her back to it and slid down to sit among the twisted roots and rotting leaves. She inhaled shakily, absorbing the damp smell of earth.

Costia didn't answer straight away. But Lexa had always been able to hear her thinking, like a low buzz in the back of her mind. When she did reply, it was in a tone heavy with emotion.

Isn't it obvious? You're falling in love.

Lexa let the word hang ominously in the air. It was the most dangerous word she knew. It caused a storm to break out within her as hope clashed with guilt and pain slammed into joy. She'd only ever loved once. And it had nearly destroyed her.

You think you're the only one to ever be hurt by love? Costia teased gently, though it sounded as though tears clogged her throat. It caused them to spring up in Lexa's.

"It's not love," Lexa defended desperately. "I love you."

And I love you. But love isn't a onetime deal. You are allowed to have it again.

"No!" Lexa said suddenly, leaping to her feet. "I'm not! I don't deserve it." Quietly she added, "I didn't even deserve you."

She closed her eyes as a breeze sprung up and she could imagine that the soft touch on her cheek was Costia's hand. She leaned into the touch longingly.

You're too harsh on yourself, Costia murmured tenderly. I wish you could see yourself as I do. Or as Clarke does.

Lexa flinched at the sound of the name on Costia's lips.

"She'll see me as a monster soon enough, if she doesn't already."

No, Costia reassured, she'll see someone who wants nothing more than what is best for her people; someone who is living a life she didn't ask for. She'll see someone who is brave and kind and capable of so much love. You're afraid, Lexa, that's all.

Lexa couldn't fault that. Her terror ran so deep that it haunted every waking and sleeping moment.

"I kissed her, Kostia," she admitted as if she were confessing to murder. She closed her eyes in shame but she couldn't stop the way her stomach tightened at the memory of Clarke's lips pushing back into her own and blonde curls tangled around her fingers.

I know, Costia said, her voice laced with sadness. And it's alright.

"I don't want her," Lexa insisted, though she struggled to push conviction into her voice.

Yes you do, Costia disagreed sternly. And it's alright. I know it doesn't mean you love me any less. But our time is over, Leksa. You have to see that. I want to be there for you, to make sure you remember to eat every day, and to let you cry, to remind you it's alright to have happiness and love, to show you how much you matter. But I can't anymore. She can. You have to let her, Leksa. Let her in. It'll kill me to see you alone.

With a sob, Lexa dug her nails into her arm until she broke the skin. She needed the pain to remind her of what was real. So many times since Costia's death, she'd wanted nothing more than to lie down in the woods till she slipped away and could join Costia forever.

"No," she said with furious guilt. "You were already killed. By me. It was my fault."

Costia sighed. We've been over this. Sometimes I want to shake you until you realize that it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you for what happened.

"Your family does," Lexa objected, determined as always to win the argument. They had discussed this a dozen times but Costia would never be able to convince her it wasn't all her fault. If she hadn't made her love for Costia so public they may never have targeted her. If she had insisted Costia come with her instead of letting her stay in Katadral. If she had never been chosen as Heda…

Then you wouldn't be the person I loved with all my spirit, Leksa, Costia scolded softly. It was my choice to stay in Katadral and it was my choice to show how much I loved you. And I wouldn't ever change that. My family is grieving, they don't really blame you. You know that Thera prefers to be angry than ever admit she's hurting. Stop torturing yourself, Leksa. Please.

Her words were so desperate that they made Lexa's chest spasm in agony. She'd do anything to prevent Costia from ever feeling pain, in this world or the next.

"I don't know what to do, Kostia," she said like a small child. She threw her head back and looked to where the pale winter sky was visible through the branches. She didn't believe that Costia was up there as some did, but who knew? Miracles had already come from the sky.

Don't do anything, Costia urged with so much affection that it caused tears to rush to Leksa's eyes. The longing she felt for Costia was so painful sometimes that it made it hard to breathe.

Let yourself feel whatever you're going to feel. Let yourself love whoever you're going to love. Leksa kom Katadral has never let anyone tell her how to live her life or get in the way of what she wants, don't let yourself be an exception to that.

Costia's tone reminded Lexa of the way she used to scold her for forgetting to eat or leaving her boots out in the rain or being rude about her mentors. It hurt so much to miss her.

"I'm incomplete without you, Kostia," she insisted.

She could feel Costia smiling sadly.

Then what are you doing out here in the freezing woods? Go back to the camp and find her, Leksa, and let make you whole again.