The moon was shining straight through the balcony opening by the time Lexa was finally allowed to be alone. Before she'd become Heda, she'd never appreciated the sheer, overwhelming, glorious beauty in being alone.

She sat on the step to the balcony, dressed for sleep in her black nightgown, but unable to find the stillness needed for rest. She fidgeted, rubbing her injured hand up and down her leg and twisting the mass of hair that trailed over one shoulder. She'd fought for her life today and faced the probability of her own death but she was more nervous sitting in the moonbeams contemplating whether to go to Clarke's room than she had been at any point during the battle.

"Are you there?" she murmured softly, turning her focus inwards, trying desperately to find the little flutter in her mind that was Costia. She'd felt her alongside during the fight, known that she was guiding each swing of the sword and could feel her hands pushing her up when she fell. But in the chaos and the clamour since the Queen's death, her mind had been too full to feel her.

Always, Costia replied instantly, unfurling in Lexa's mind like the petals of a flower. Closing her eyes, Lexa envisioned the pattern of freckles across her sun-kissed shoulders, the flecks of amber in her burnished eyes and it brought a smile to her lips.

"I killed her, Kostia," she said unnecessarily, but it felt good to say the words aloud. The Azgeda Queen had been a sinister shadow in her life for so long. She'd crept into every dream and into every memory of her love and brought wave after wave of excruciating pain as she'd tortured herself with imaginings of Costia's final moments.

Lexa was reveling in the thoughts of Nia's death so thoroughly that it took her several moments to notice the stubborn silence in their conversation. Frowning, she rose to her feet and moved with silky rustle towards the balcony. Her injured hand throbbed as she clutched the railing, leaning out into the abyss, welcoming the cool breeze that caressed her prickling skin. She turned her gaze towards distant Katadral.

"You're angry with me," she said in puzzlement, remembering the tense silence that had always betrayed Costia's feelings. She felt her own pulse of annoyance at the marring of her victory.

You were nearly killed. Costia's voice was soft but it was leaden with displeasure. Lexa's slight throb of anger blossomed.

"It doesn't matter," she snapped, turning from the view. "I avenged your murder, Kostia. That's all that matters."

No it isn't.

Lexa grit her teeth. She wanted to hear joy and pride and peace from Costia and she couldn't understand why she was angry that Lexa had killed the woman that had ripped them apart. It was the vengeance that she had been fantasizing about since the moment she'd woken to find Costia's mutilated head beside her on the pillow.

Do you think I'd want you dead for nothing more than revenge? Costia said acidly. Do you think I'd be that selfish? I wouldn't have cared if Nia had lived a hundred more years as long as you were safe. You were nearly killed, Lexa, by her. That would have been true torture.

Lexa was stunned into silence. Slowly, she lowered herself to the cool tiles, her nightgown pooling around her as dark and fluid as her own blood. She hadn't thought that Costia would have been angry at the risk she had taken. It made her feel sick to her stomach that she could have caused Costia more pain than even Nia and her inquisitors had. Her fingertips trembled as she raised them to her lips.

"I'm sorry," she breathed.

She felt Costia soften and closed her eyes, imagining the gentle touch to her chin that would have followed as Costia guided her to meet her gaze, tender and kind but burning with an intensity that Lexa had thought could never have been extinguished.

I wouldn't have been the only one to suffer, Costia murmured. Lexa's eyelids fluttered at the knowledge of who she was talking about. It still made her stomach squirm when Costia talked of Clarke and every time she thought of one she felt guilty about the other.

She begged you not to fight too.

"I had no choice," Lexa replied with the same stubborn tone with which she had replied to Clarke. "You know why I had to fight myself, Kostia. I've lost too much becoming Heda to let it be taken from me. I'd rather die than have your death be for nothing."

Costia sighed. They had reached a stalemate, as they usually did. That was the thing she had loved most about Costia: a difference of opinion had never meant disagreement. Even though they had rarely agreed on anything, somehow it had never mattered. Costia was like Clarke in her beliefs – perhaps that was what had drawn her to the Skai girl in the first place – that ideological, powerful, unwavering sense of justice and mercy that existed oblivious to the intricacies and complexities of the real world.

You should be talking to her, then.

Startled from her thoughts, Lexa flushed hot with guilt at the realization that she'd been caught thinking of nothing but Clarke. There was no bitterness or anger in Costia's words, only sadness and longing.

You need to go to her, Lexa. She's the one you need to talk to tonight. She's the one whose questions you need to answer, whose fears you need to calm. She is flesh and blood, she can give you what you need.

Lexa's whole body burned with self-loathing at Costia's heartbreaking words. She hung her head as if she could hide from the power of Costia's eyes upon her.

Don't do that, my love, Costia scolded gently. It is not in our power to change what has happened. But you can control what will happen. She is your future, Lexa. Go to her. Go, Lexa.