Why? Why'd she hafta say that? He was too tired to even speak his complaints now. Only mortified beyond belief. Everyone heard Tavi's blurt. All the squires, all the paiges, all the knights in the courtyard. Cubbi sagged. Exhaustion coated him like Grammi's molasses taffylickers on their sticks... He slept.
It was worse than before. Gum, how could it get worse! But it was. Blood, the smell of decay, himself alone sitting on a throne of bodies and skeletons. Smiling, laughing gleefully at the massacre at his feet. He was Zorlock!
"NNOOOOOoo!" Bolt upright in bed, sweat pouring off his face, eyes wild with fear and desperation, Cubbi reentered the waking world.
A hand settled on his back. Cubbi jerked away.
"Easy, lad. Everything's fine."
"No it's not! Everything's horrible!" He kicked off the covers, ran to the window. Just before sunset... Why couldn't it be day? Why couldn't the nightmares at least let him get a bit of sleep in before... before the torture.
Plucki left his bedside chair as soon as the cub had risen. Afraid he'd do something wild, the gummi captain was keeping a close eye on him.
"It's all wrong. I was supposed to come here and train to be a great knight like you, Plucki, but now everybody knows I'm scared to even sleep! I've tried-- Gum, I've tried!-- but they won't go away and I should be able to control my emotions. Right, Plucki? Isn't that what you taught me?" Desperately, he turned on his mentor. Surely, if anybody would know what to do, it'd be Plucki.
The knight turned a resolute but solemn face his way. "You've learned a lot here, but I've failed somehow. You should have known it was alright to come to me. Cubbi... How could anyone question your bravery? You tried to conquer these inner demons by yourself. Not even I could do that. I needed help. And I asked for it. Did you think I'd stop training you if I knew you were plagued by nightmares?" For once, Plucki looked lost.
Cubbi couldn't answer. He knew, but he couldn't say it. Plucki'd be crushed.
He didn't have to say it. "I see... Cubbi, I've been wondering if it's for the best that you stay with me, or whether you should have all of us at your disposal. Perhaps you'd benefit by more time with Blastus, or Ramsei--"
"Plucki... Aw, I KNEW this would happen! No! I don't want them. I want you! I... I need YOU. So... I'm asking you now, for help. Please. Don't leave me." Plucki had seen him cry before. Why did he fight it so much when all he wanted to do was curl up in somebody's arms and bawl his eyes out? Clenching his own jaw to stop a sudden flood of pride and tears, Plucki stepped forward and took the young gummi in a strong embrace. "You are growing up, Cubbi. And I'll never leave your aid as long as you have need of me." Did Cubbi know? How much he felt he'd let his own son down. How he'd failed so with Aldi... He would NOT fail Cubbi. By Gum, he would NOT! "So.. Um..." Cubbi pulled free gently. "You have any suggestions for me sleeping easier?" "Unfortunately, I don't. Perhaps if you talked--" "No." On this, Cubbi was strongly opposed. "I... I don't want you, or anybody, to know what's in there. Just.. just make it go away. Please." "Well... " Plucki scratched the back of his head, thinking. "I was reading just before you woke. Perhaps if I read to you...?" "I haven't tried that..." "When you're ready to try sleeping, come and get me. I'll be waiting." Sensing maybe Cubbi needed a bit more time alone, Plucki left him be. Staring out on the courtyard, the cub saw Corvi and Flynn practicing under an evening haze. Cubbi shivered. The haze was like out of the dreams... Would anything be the same again? It felt like an eternity since he'd slept. Really slept. And walked among his fellow gummies and peers like he was one of them, and not an outsider or... or a danger. Even now, what were they saying about his fall? About what Tavi said? Calling him worthless? Trouble? Weak? A coward and a baby? A-- Somebody knocked on his door. Cubbi kept quiet. The someone knocked again. "Who... Who is it?" His voice shook at first. He stilled it. "Martinni. I brought you dinner... if you're hungry." Martinni? Maybe Plucki sent him up. Cubbi, smiling, pulled the door open. "Starved!" Martinni came in and set the tray on Cubbi's bed. He stood nervously about, hands behind his back and eyes always on the pink squire. Cubbi didn't like it. "C'mon. Sit if ya want." "N-no thanks. I'd better go..." "Martinni... Wait!" But he was already out the door. Martinni was afraid. Of him? Of course of him. Wonder which loved one was taken from Martinni because of me! Cubbi thought savagely of himself. I was the cause of it all. Wasn't strong enough. No longer of an appetite, Cubbi pushed the tray aside. Still not satisfied, he picked up his cupcake and threw it, watched it spatter against the wall. Waste. It was all a waste. Wasted effort on him, as he wasted so many lives because HE couldn't do it. He couldn't do it... In a fit of remorse and overgrown guilt, Cubbi caved into a pile of sobs. Plucki. I need you! I need you here! Grammi, Gruffi, Zummi, Tummi, Sunni, Gusto! I need you all! Why can't I say it! Tavi couldn't go to dinner. What if Cubbi showed up? He already hated her forever for blabbing probably. And... at dinner, she'd have to hold back her tears. It was hard. Being strong for Aunt Toffi and the others on the council. They talked to her already about what she did, what had happened, what might happen later on. But she'd do it again and all over because it helped them win the war. Even though... No. I can't think about it. If I do, I'll never stop crying and what if somebody found me then, huh? Nobody wants to be around a girl who cries all the time. Just because she lost her entire family... She couldn't win. Couldn't beat it. She knew what Cubbi had to be feeling, cuz she felt it too. Why hadn't she thought of it sooner? Why couldn't SHE save her brother, her mother and father? What more done could have saved everybody? Why couldn't Zorlock have taken her? She'd have killed herself to save everybody. She would have! The tears didn't start small. They were always huge trickling waves of salty wet and she hated crying, hated that she couldn't stop. Tucked in a dark corner, knees bucked to her chin, Tavi Gummi wept for those gone, wept for her big mouth and her caring heart, for not being good enough in magic to save everybody, for being unable to help Cubbi, and not stop crying! She just wanted all of it-- all her pain and anger and everything bad-- to be balled up into a... a raincloud or something, and just blow away! Leave her alone! Leave her completely! A breeze flitted in through her niche. She smelled wet in the air, on the wind. Opening her eyes quickly, Tavi didn't get a chance to peek out a window. The storm was inside the hallway! Great dark clouds sputtering rain and hurling a brewing wind. Tavi watched, fascinated and calmed, as the tempest grew. Had she... She'd made THAT?