The Mix
Beca was already on her feet and making her way over to the bus doors before they had even come to a stop. It's safe to say sitting next to Fat Amy for a six hour drive had been exhausting; the constant but pointless chatter, the fidgeting and spontaneous singing – alright, maybe everyone on the bus was guilty of that one...
As soon as the doors opened, the DJ was already swiftly walking to the hotel lobby, itching to get a moment of peace before the Bellas filled in with their bags, bringing their arguments about who was sharing what room with whom from the bus.
Usually Beca would sit next to Chloe on a long drive, or at the breakfast table, or at the movies, or anywhere for that matter, but since last night the two haven't really been talking.
"I just don't get why you're being so persistent on this" Beca had asked, a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Because I know that mix is awesome for Worlds. I already have an idea of chorography and vocal arrangements, Beca and I've heard it once."
Chloe was pacing the brunette's shared room with Amy, before she threw herself down next to Beca on the bed.
"Chloe, I don't want to use that mix. Here, choose any other..." she reasoned, pushing her laptop towards her best friend's knee "...just not that one."
Chloe pushed the lid of the laptop down quickly, a long sigh escaping her lips. "I don't get why you're being so weird about this. Do you not want us to beat Das Sound Machine?"
"Yes. Of course I do. I want to win Worlds as much as you and we can, just without that song."
Chloe huffed, before getting to her feet and storming out of her room and down the stairs.
Beca played the memory through her mind as she took a seat on one of the sofas across from reception in the hotel lobby. She had created the mix just before Spring Break of last year. All of the Bellas; including Chloe; and her roommate Kimmy Jin had left campus for the holiday to spend it at home with friends and family, but Beca found herself at Barden. She had just been given more responsibility on air at the radio station; even more than last year's spring break; and she knew there was no room for error – a radio station job during college would really help her out experience wise when she left for LA, so she wasn't about to screw this up.
That night, Beca had been finding herself thinking about a certain redhead and trying everything in her being to convince herself she wasn't missing her. Chloe had been particularly more tactful when saying goodbye and it had been running on the DJ's mind from the moment she left. So it's no wonder, four days into the holiday, Beca had been choosing songs to edit and mix that subconsciously reminded her of Chloe.
The moment she found two perfect songs (one of hers and the other Chloe's) she perfected a mix within the first hour of working on it. If Beca Mitchell was ever a perfectionist, it was when she was making music; the slightest thing off key or an imperfect progression change; Beca noticed. Usually an average mix took Beca a day to work on until she was one hundred percent happy with it – so sixty minutes was more than just quick.
It wasn't until her third playback of the finished product that she realised what that mix actually symbolised and how much it articulated these feelings inside of her that she wasn't completely aware of.
Shit.
Beca spent the rest of the night, wide awake and unable to sleep, Chloe Beale imprinted on her mind the entire time. She lost at least two hours of time and space as she ran through her and Chloe's then year long friendship, desperately trying to pinpoint the exact moment it happened.
It wasn't until the early morning light illuminated her window that Beca concluded all of her thoughts and was finally able to put a name to the unknown feeling that had been floating around her for the past few months. Her mix had been on repeat for five hours and each word and chord of the songs meshed together screamed the words at her until she was able to finally admit it out loud.
"I am in love with Chloe Beale" Beca whispered with a small smile.
God, I am so, so in love with Chloe Beale.
The songs were personal and relevant to Beca in ways Chloe could never know, because if she did, the DJ would then have to not only properly address but confess the very serious romantic feelings she had for her best friend; to her best friend, and that could never happen.
But Chloe wasn't letting this drop easily.
"I'm not talking to you until you either work the song into our performance or explain why you're so against using it."
Those words spoken before breakfast in the Bella kitchen had been whirling around Beca's mind the entire six hour journey, accompanied by the disappointment in the redhead's eyes when Beca didn't answer.
It wasn't that Beca was refusing to play her mix, she just really, really didn't want to.
Chloe had listened to it once, her ears pricking up at the sound of her favourite song being played through Beca's headphones whilst studying at the bottom of her bed. Beca can only describe her decision to let the person she was completely in love with listen to the song about the evaluation of her feelings was a moment of bold confidence.
A moment she quickly regretted, as Chloe gushed about how good it sounded and asked to hear it again. Beca was quickly teetering over the edge of visible fear, as she panicked if her best friend heard it again, she too would hear the words of the confession Beca spoke in the early hours of the morning last year.
Beca couldn't let that happen. If Chloe found out how deeply Beca loved her; in a non-platonic way; Chloe would be forced to end their friendship, because she couldn't possibly feel the same way. The brunette wouldn't allow Chloe to let everyone at World's hear her mix and she couldn't possibly tell her the reason why.
XXX
"Can we talk now?" Beca asked shyly, eyes flickering from the screen in front of her to the redhead at the foot of her bed, unpacking.
The two captains had been paired to share a room as they usually were. Chloe didn't object and Beca didn't want to share with anyone else.
"Is your mix on our set list?" Chloe asked eyes fixed on her suitcase.
"No."
"Are you going to tell me why it isn't?"
Beca paused, before taking a deep breath, "no."
"Guess we're not going to speak then" Chloe replied simply, making her way to the bathroom with pyjama shorts and a tank tucked under her arm.
"Chloe?"
Beca was cut off by the slam of the door.
She closed the lid of her laptop and dramatically threw her back onto the mattress with a sigh.
The silence between them had been killing Beca all day, but it seemed from the moment they had been left alone together, the quiet had been slowly crushing her.
Throughout the entirety of their friendship the silence between them was always content and comfortable; this didn't quite have the same feeling to it to say the least.
The brunette couldn't help but try to keep her fear of losing Chloe at bay. Beca never thought she would do anything to jeopardise their friendship, other than coming clean about her feelings.
She was going to fix this, without losing her best friend and without admitting those three words she uttered more than twelve months ago. How, she was still figuring it out...
XXX
Beca had been watching Chloe reading her worn out copy of Wuthering Heights for the past forty minutes. She watched the way the redhead hastily held a page in her hand, before quickly turning it over to read the next. Beca couldn't help but smile at this, knowing Chloe had literally read that book a hundred times already.
The older woman was clad in pyjama shorts and a tank top Beca was certain was hers. She was tapping her foot repeatedly; in no particular rhythm Beca noted; subtly highlighting the fact she was restless but didn't want to show it.
The DJ decided to break the silence.
"Chlo, this is getting ridiculous."
The taller woman didn't even lift her eyes from the text in front of her, which actually made Beca smile. Chloe Beale was a people person; someone that talked to anyone. She was a passionate and excitable person; if there was a conversation occurring, Beca would bet her bottom dollar Chloe would politely add her opinion and smoothly interject herself into the group. Chloe Beale was caring and considerate; ignoring people or their feelings was definitely not her style.
Although she really hated the silence between them, Beca couldn't help but feel proud of her best friend for sticking to her guns and going against every personality trait in her body in order to keep up her silent charade.
Beca let out a chuckle.
That got her attention.
But it was a fleeting moment and Chloe's eyes darted back to the book in her lap.
"I saw that" the brunette smiled.
Although there wasn't a response, Beca was sure she could see a flicker of recognition on her face; maybe even the traces of a potential smile pulling at her lips.
"You know when I think about books I touch my shelf" Beca said with the shrug of her shoulders.
She could see the corners of the redhead's mouth twitch.
If she knew one thing Chloe could not resist; it was a well articulated pun.
"What did one book say to the other?" she continued on.
Chloe looked up, attempting to give Beca a pointed stare.
"I just wanted to see if we were on the same page" she grinned, causing Chloe to break her facade and smile back at her.
They spent a couple of seconds looking at each other like that, until Beca was shuffling to the centre of her single bed and crossing her legs.
"Can you stop giving me the silent treatment now, please?"
Chloe closed her book and mirrored Beca's position on her own bed.
"OK, but you have to talk to me."
"I'm pretty sure that's not really something you can demand of me without being a hypocrite right now" Beca smirked.
Chloe simply gave her a warning glare before shaking her head.
"Becs, I mean it. I don't know what's up with you. We won't use your mix at Worlds, OK? But you need to tell me why."
Beca let out a groan before running a hand through her hair.
"Can we not just leave it at 'it's personal' and be done with it?" she asked hopefully, pulling at a loose thread on the duvet.
Chloe was then on her feet and setting herself down next to her best friend, stilling her hand.
"From the moment we met – although it took some serious effort on my part – you let me listen to all of your mixes; you burn them on a USB for me every month for god's sake. So why is it you only let me listen to it once?"
Chloe paused.
When Chloe first met Beca there was an array of walls and barriers that she had to work to get through in order to see a little bit more of the elusive Beca Mitchell. Getting to know her best friend had been both a strange and wonderful experience. Chloe was naturally open and forward by nature and usually her personality somehow rubbed off on those she was starting new relationships with – Beca, not so much.
Chloe felt like she worked for every piece of information Beca allowed her to have. She put so much effort and trust into their friendship that Beca finally felt comfortable enough to share her deep thoughts and feeling she wouldn't to someone else. The redhead wasn't complaining, their friendship meant more to her than Beca could ever understand and it was getting more and more difficult for Chloe to convince herself there weren't deeper feelings there.
But at this moment in time, she could feel Beca pulling away, sometimes Chloe forgot their personal differences; where Chloe saw room for negotiation, Beca was already dismissing it and moving on.
"You don't want it in the set. You told me that last night and I didn't listen. I should have just taken your first no as a final answer. Sometimes I think I can give you the pout and my puppy dog eyes and you'll do anything for me – that's wrong of me to ever think that and I'm sorry."
"Chlo, you don't need to apologise" Beca said with a soft smile. "Besides, it's kind of... like, totally true."
They both laughed.
It was true, the "pout" and the "puppy dog eyes" did weird things to her and Beca's resolve crumbled faster than Fat Amy could down a glass of her infamous punch (and that was fast). It wasn't Chloe being manipulative or pushy; the redhead was anything but; it was more something that stirred up a need in Beca's stomach – the need to make Chloe happy, because that's all Beca ever wanted her best friend to be. It was a kind of rewarding feeling the DJ could never explain, the power of knowing that she was responsible for making Chloe happy.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me about the mix, but I need you to know that if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here" Chloe gave her shoulder a light shove, before she stretched out her arms.
"This is the part where we hug now" she added, engulfing Beca in her embrace, squeezing her tightly until she heard the shorter woman protest.
Eventually Chloe pulled back and finally realised her tight grip of Beca, who muttered her quick thanks and tried her very best to convince Chloe she did not enjoy the invading of personal space that just took place.
Chloe couldn't contain the wide smile on her face. There was something about Beca's "complaints" that warmed her heart. Beca enjoyed it as much as her; she just wasn't ready to admit it yet.
XXX
After a movie and an already half eaten bag of chips from Beca's bag, Chloe had fallen asleep leaning on the younger woman's shoulder. Beca paused the ending credits, catching a glimpse of her best friend in the reflection of the black screen.
She willed every muscle in her arm not to trace the outline of Chloe's face and just watched her for a second. Chloe had been sleeping in Beca's bed a lot recently. It was a new development she wasn't objecting to; it was kind of nice actually – though she'd never admit it out loud.
The redhead began to stir causing Beca to quickly snap her laptop shut in panic and trained her eyes on the hotel wall art dead ahead.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep" she mumbled sleepily.
"It's alright. It's getting kind of late anyway" Beca replied gesturing to the alarm clock on draws between their beds.
"Yeah, you're right. We should get some sleep" she yawned, sitting up and moving off the bed.
Beca's heart sank little as she watched Chloe get into her own bed. Chloe flicked off the lamp and the sheet of darkness enveloped them, causing the DJ to shake that feeling away.
She settled further into the mattress, but after a couple of minutes Beca was turning onto her side and whispering Chloe's name.
"Are you awake?" she asked quietly, her eyes still closed.
"Yeah."
"Did you really like my mix?" she asked nervously.
There was a rustle of sheets and light footsteps. The moment Beca opened her eyes, Chloe was in front of her and gesturing her to move over. Beca did as she was told, as the redhead shuffled into the sheets next to her. The small confides of the single bed causing half of Chloe's body to rest atop of Beca's.
The brunette let out a shallow breath in an attempt to calm herself at the close contact before Chloe was answering her question.
"I love it. I think it's one of your best."
Beca smiled, believing her whole heartedly because Chloe was incapable of lying.
"I made it last year and it was always just my song. I'm not ready to share it with anyone yet" "So you weren't bullshitting when you said it was personal before?" Chloe asked.
"It made me realise something important when I needed it the most" she whispered.
Chloe sat up slightly, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, not now but maybe one day soon" Beca smiled.
Chloe pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Beca's mouth and snuggled back under the duvet and closer to her best friend with a content sigh and a quiet "whenever you're ready, Becs."
Maybe Beca could tell Chloe she loves her.
Not now, but one day.
XXX