… in the control room…
There was a perfect moment to say "Why are the shields down?" and I let it pass me by.
I just stood there as everyone ignored what to me looked like obvious signs of an imminent attack by the rebel forces. And I let them ignore it all. I even did my very best to keep the evil smile that very much wanted to take control of my lips from doing so, as I stood in a corner, all quiet and well-behaved. I also never once mentioned that there was supposed to be one very shiny Stormtrooper on the premises and there was something rather suspicious about her absence, especially since it was her idea to get me up here, into a room I definitely didn't have the right clearance for.
When I finally spoke it was in a whisper that almost got lost in all the worried chatter of the people running this monstrosity. "Hey," I said glancing sideways at the secretly-human-underneath-this-helmet Stormtrooper by my side. "Do you need both of those weapons?"
"If you're suggesting I give you one…" she whispered back.
"I'm not going to use it here in front of everyone," I promised, though I suspected that wasn't the issue she was having with that proposition.
"I'm not giving you a weapon," she said firmly.
Oh well, it was worth a try.
"Where do you think Phasma went?" I whispered after a moment. There was only so long I could keep my silence. But before she could give a reply I realized our conversation wasn't as inconspicuous as I thought it was. Someone noticed. The worst possible someone…
"What are you doing here…?" said Hux turning to the corner where I did such a poor job of being inconspicuous. He looked all kinds of suspicious. Luckily he clearly had plenty of other things to worry about. I knew that if I just kept my expression innocent for long enough he'll lose interest and go back to yelling orders at everyone in sight...
"Why did you bring her here?" he asked the Stormtrooper since I was clearly not going to volunteer any information.
"In case something breaks," I said quickly, drawing his attention back to me. "And something always does. How do you even have to ask? You know how this works. Calling me is literally the second thing you do, right after you finished saying this is why we can't have nice things."
All the noises in the room seemed to die down just at that moment. It felt as though the whole universe was holding its breath. And since I couldn't abide that kind of drama, not being a Skywalker, I found myself ending the moment with "Regretting the don't-shoot-the-fixer order yet…?"
"Get her out of here," he said to the Stormtrooper.
I did not appreciate his tone and briefly considered going for her weapon... but then I remembered I was nowhere near synchronized enough to pull that off and the most likely result would be me shooting myself. Still, it was a pleasant daydream.
"You know I bet something breaks the moment I'm out of sight," I said loudly as I was being walked out. He didn't reply. Probably trying to forget I existed. That seemed to be his go-to strategy when it came to dealing with me and my inability to appreciate how much higher in rank he was.
I felt inclined to let him, too. I was feeling generous - especially since I realized he never should have given order so easy to misinterpret. "Well that was pretty vague, wasn't it? I don't know about you, but I'm going to take it as a permission to go outside," I said to my white-armored warden.
For a moment I thought she might argue. Then she did something that convinced me beyond any doubt that we were going on an adventure. She looked around to make sure we were unobserved and took her helmet off...
… on the surface…
"How about Elsa…?" I said, scrutinizing her in the unnatural sunlight of the soon-to-be-gone star. "Or maybe Ariel?"
"You really don't have to give me a name."
But of course I did. She was the person responsible for getting me out here into the fresh air and snowy landscape - into the daylight I tried to forget meant we were just in process of killing someone's sun. The least I owed her was a name. "Merida…?" I tried again.
"You are actually going to keep doing this just so you can ignore the rebels flying overhead, aren't you…?"
I shrugged. "Don't take this the wrong way, but… The rebels are actually good news. Considering the shields were down last time I checked, I feel pretty positive this place is about to go the way of the Death Star. Which is good. For the galaxy, that is. Not so good for us, but…"
"I don't think I actually mind dying," she said. The calmness in her voice told me she wasn't putting on a brave face either. She didn't mind. Laying in a snowbank with her face turned to the unnaturally lit sky she didn't mind it at all.
"I would be right there with you just a few hours ago. I was so done with all this. But…" I said, unable to figure out where I was going with this. "There's this part of me that has something to live for all of a sudden. The absolutely worst something there is," I sighed. "I'm pretty sure it leads straight to the Dark Side."
"Revenge…?"
"Revenge," I confirmed.
It seemed a little petty and unimportant in the greater scale of things, but it was still very much on my mind as I lay there, making a snow angel underneath the sky alive with one hell of an aerial battle.
"I was there, you know," she said softly after a moment. "The day we took you. I remember. You were exactly like us those first few minutes after we got you into the ship. Just sat there motionless, completely numb. But then Phasma walked by and you covered your eyes like she blinded you with her shiny armor," she laughed at the memory. "And I knew you'll be alright."
I smiled back at her, remembering it myself. I tried to keep that long-ago, emotionally exhausting trip to Starkiller Base out of my mind for the most part, but it felt safe remembering it now. It might have been my last chance, after all.
"I think that was when I screwed up. I was like one of you then. For a moment I was just this hollowed out thing… But I remembered who I was again and I refused to let go of myself again." A horrible thought occurred to me then. "Was that why Hux did this? Because I came back…? Became human again after being so completely gone...? What a twisted, evil bastard."
"I heard Kylo Ren ordered to keep you alive," she replied as a TIE fighter exploded above us.
"I better not find out they made a bet on how long it will take to break me again. They're both already on the top of my hit list as it is," I said as a few pieces of burning debris fell into a nearby snowbank. "So… Nala…?"
"I actually kind of liked Elsa."
I looked at her to try to determine if she looked like Elsa or not, but just then the last of the sunlight died dramatically. "I guess you'll get to see the stars after all," she said with a smile that was almost painful to look at, it was so innocent and pure and… human. I forced myself to look back at the sky so she wouldn't see my expression. If I wasn't vengeful before I most certainly was now.
"Do you think they started evacuating yet – or are they arrogant enough to let everyone die because they refuse to believe they could lose?" I said after a while.
"Of course they started evacuating. No one would be stupid enough…"
"I guess they never told you about the first Death Star," I said, finding it incredibly funny for some reason.
"I think it's time for you to go. If you're going to make it," she said. There was too much left unspoken in just those few words and I felt cold for the first time, even though I spent over an hour lying in the snow.
I didn't want to leave her here to die… But I knew better than to try to change her mind. I had no right to take this decision from her, not after so much was taken already. "Goodbye, Elsa," I said giving her a hug before I scrambled to my feet.
I gave her one last look over my shoulder as I left just to make sure, but she looked exactly as human as I thought she would. Not a hollowed out shell anymore - a real girl. In the faint starlight she was all the things they tried to take from her.
I brushed off the half-frozen tear before it got halfway down my cheek and picked up speed. There was a ship I needed to catch.