… later that night…
"So grandma," I said in a very loud whisper. "Maybe do talk about the force. I think Freya really needs an explanation, however weird it is…"
"Nope," said Freya, pointedly looking up at the starlit sky instead of the two of us. "I'm fine. I don't need the universe to make sense."
"Oh. Alright then…"
"Obviously that was sarcasm," said Freya, punching me on the shoulder without ever glancing in my direction.
"So do tell – how is the force responsible for me surviving my ordeal in one piece and almost no traumatic memories or lingering side-effects…?" I said to grandma, ignoring Freya's sudden laughter.
"I'm just going to go ahead and assume you know how the force works," begun grandma.
"I think that's exactly the wrong approach. You know we don't. You probably don't understand it either. Who knows if Luke didn't leave because he suddenly realized it makes absolutely no sense and he wasted his life…" said Freya and I found myself nodding in agreement.
"The force flows through us all," continued grandma.
"Yes. Us and trees and rocks and creepy swamp caves," muttered Freya. It was my turn to hit her for ruining the mood. "You know that means force sensitive people get really terrible deal, right?" she added thoughtfully.
"As I've been telling you…" I said, because I was saying that just the other day. And had to stop due to Freya's death glare.
"Oh no," she said, turning to me with the exact same expression again, "you don't get to have a say. You disqualified yourself with your sympathy-for-the-devil thing over Kylo Ren. And don't tell me how terrible he looked after a teenage girl kicked his ass, that's not going to endear him to me."
"I don't think it was all down to how badly he lost to a total start-up," I said, sounding defensive even to myself. "I think it had more to do with the fact that his father just died. And don't… Don't say it. I know. I also know it wasn't that simple. He didn't just move on to the next evil thing on his to do list. It's something that's still with him. It always will be."
"He told you that, did he?" said Freya sharply. But she immediately turned slightly ashamed, hearing herself.
"You know he didn't. I never spoke to him. Which is really strange, now that I think of it. I mean… considering what a big role he played in my life over the last three months. Oh, go ahead, blame it on the force," I said, turning to grandma. "You know you want to…"
"I think you underestimate the force, thorny," said grandma, smiling at me. "It can't be you underestimating your own importance. I find that simply inconceivable."
"Oh I know I might not be the bringing-balance-to-the-force important, but I'm still pretty damn important," I replied with a grin. "Someone, somewhere out there is still putting out a fire I set. Remotely. From the other side of the galaxy. Just to screw with Hux," I said, pausing dramatically after adding each new piece of information to give them time to fully appreciate how awesome it was.
"Well, that would be one way to explain why Kylo Ren cared whether you live or die. Just to screw with Hux," added Freya after catching my confused expression.
"Oh please… How would he know…?"
I stopped right there before giving Freya excuse to raise her voice in exasperation again. Because after taking a peak into my brain it must have been pretty clear to him how likely it was for me to be a well-behaved First Order drone. And what little damn I would give even as I was speaking to a superior officer… "I think you might be right," I said to Freya. "And so are you…" I added as grandma begun to laugh.
"That definitely counts as abuse of force powers, though," said Freya. "But hey, that is a Sith thing to do. So… wait? Did we actually solve this?"
"I say we did," replied grandma, sounding more than a little amused. Which had a lot to do with whatever expression I was currently wearing, because she didn't seem to be able to take her eyes from it. "Unless you have something better, thorny?"
"Nope," I replied grudgingly. "This should really piss me off, you know? Last time I found someone tried to use me for psychological warfare I was ready to start punching walls. Why am I so okay with this…?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"What?" I said, looking at Freya, who sure sounded like she had an explanation.
"It's because you refuse to get angry at Darth Fanboy…"
"Don't call him that," I said – and immediately realized I fell into her trap.
"You used to call him that, remember? Right. Since we're reminiscing, why don't you at least try to explain to me what's the deal with you always jumping to his defense these days?"
… long time ago aboard Finalizer…
"Oh wow… that's one impressive scar."
I've been in that situation a thousand times before. Saying something and realizing even as I was saying it that I just gave someone pretty solid case for murdering me on the spot. I've been doing that for as long as I could remember. Of course never before to someone with actual force powers.
Powers he currently wasn't using to strangle me from the other side of the room, which was quite a surprise. Not a big one, though, not when I took in his current look, mainly consisting of bandages and emotional turmoil so intense that it immediately made me forget I was not quite done being furious at everyone who ever wore First Order uniform.
With the anger gone I did yet another thing I didn't quite see coming until I heard myself saying it. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean to wake you. Look, let me help…"
Very bad idea – not because of the force powers he looked too confused to remember he had, but because if he couldn't walk of his own volition there was very little hope I would be of any help. I surrounded myself with droids so I never had to do any of the heavy lifting that came with the job, which left me uniquely unprepared to help someone twice my size to walk to the nearest flat surface he could collapse on and perhaps go unconscious again. He looked like he was at the point where that would seem his best course of action.
"What the hell happened to him?" I asked Hux who took one look at what I was trying to do, put on his best I-hate-this-job expression, and took over. "I mean… those are lightsaber wounds and they can't possibly be self-inflicted."
I stopped talking. I had to take a moment to think about why the hell did I sound so concerned. I should be happy about this. This was one of the bad guys. I should be delighted to see him like this. So why the hell was I looking around for med droids…?
"Could you get away from him? You look like you're contemplating pressing a pillow over his face. I know that's just your default expression, but it's making me really uncomfortable," I said a minute later, looking up from the screen full of readouts that told me absolutely nothing. Hux answered with a glare that promised murder, but that was kind of an improvement, really. He looked at me like that since day one, yet here I was all the same.
"What you think you're doing…?" he asked as I turned my attention back to the screens.
"Looking for some way I can help. Oh what? Do I have to explain people to you? Again? Alright," I shrugged. "Human beings – those capable of empathy – take one look at that and want to help. Need to help. Because seeing someone reduced to bloody mess…"
"And how exactly do you think you can help?" he interrupted. "You're just a fixer…"
"Well first of all I'm an engineer. Not my fault I was underutilized, because the First Order refused to acknowledge what an awesome skillset I have. And of course I can help. He's more machine than a man… Oh wait, that was the other one, wasn't it…?" I said forcing a smile, because with the near-unconscious Sith in my field of vision I had some trouble accessing my sense of humor.
"Get out," ordered Hux.
"And leave you here without any witnesses? Hell no. I know all about that juvenile sibling rivalry you two have. I'm not leaving you here alone. If anything happens to him…"
"What? You'll take it personally? Of course you will. After all this is someone you've never spoken to…"
"For a second there you almost sounded like me, general," I said with a grin that might have been a little on the evil side. It did its job though. He walked over to me, grabbed me by the arm and proceeded to drag me out of the room. "Well that was mature," I muttered.
"You're staying out of the med bay."
"Is that an order?"
Judging by the glare it definitely was. I shrugged. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to stay in that room anyway, with its antiseptic smell and its bloodied occupant. I wanted Hux out of it though. He was the last person in the galaxy anyone should have looming over them while passed out – with the possible exception of His Supreme Evilness…
I looked down at my hands that were shaking for some inexplicable reason. There was blood on my palm I didn't want to think too hard about. "Is he going to be alright?" I said in a voice so small and shaky I barely recognized it as my own. "I mean, he is, isn't he? You'd be looking a lot happier if he wasn't…"
"He'll live," replied Hux disinterestedly. That wasn't what I asked, but I managed to stop myself from pointing it out.
"You're not… you know… taking him along as a distraction. So Snoke forgets that you just lost a whole planet. Because I don't think that will work. I mean sure, he lost a fight pretty badly… but…"
"I'm taking him along because those were my orders."
"Seriously? And here I thought I had a terrible boss," I smiled shakily. "Did he actually go I know you're under attack and everything, but before you evacuate go get Kylo Ren, wherever he is…?"
Hux didn't answer, but that was an answer in itself. I just shook my head. No way this evil empire was going to last if this was how it was run… "Oh what? I'm staying out of the med bay," I said, feeling his hand on my shoulder.
"Go find something to fix," he said.
I gave him a look that must have conveyed what was the only broken thing in my vicinity and what I thought about my chances of ever fixing it. Though… I'd love to have a go all the same. With a blowtorch, preferably.
"If you were anyone else I would have you shot just for that," he said.
But I wasn't anyone else and we both knew it.
"Felt good, didn't it? Getting that out in the open…" I smiled. "I mean, sure, it made you sound emotionally compromised, but who cares, right? At least now we know where we stand. You hate the fact that I'm still drawing breath – and I'll do anything to keep you alive. Oh don't look so shocked. What… is revenge on the list of things you're not human enough to understand?"
He didn't reply. Apparently it was. "You're going to live to see the end of this war. A war you're going to lose, by the way. You're going to live to regret it all – everything you ever traded to become this. You're going to live to realize these are the years you'll never be getting back and what future you have left will not be…"
"You're going to stop talking," he said in a dangerous tone that pretty much implied I'll be taking a trip out of the airlock if I didn't.
I just shrugged and turned my attention back to the med bay and the Sith. It felt a safe thing to do, what with him being the only person around here that didn't make me go all dark side just by existing. I didn't actually go inside again, not wishing to give Hux an excuse to have me quietly executed for insubordination, but that didn't stop me from watching him. And worrying. And just generally doing a great job of forgetting he was one of the bad guys.