She stares at the pink, puckered flesh between her breasts in the mirror, wondering how long it will take to go away. Wondering if the scar left behind will ever truly fade or if the reminder will haunt her forever. She gnaws on her lower lip, knowing that she doesn't need the physical reminder for her shooting to haunt her.
Kate hears the bathroom door open and knows that she's been caught. She hears his sharp intake of breath as he appears in the vanity mirror behind her. This is his first time seeing it and it still has a lot of healing to do.
"How's the pain?" he finally manages to ask, his hands bracketing her waist.
"Manageable," she shrugs. "But I just took a pain pill."
"Does it feel like it's tight or itchy?"
"Not yet, but I'm sure it will start to be soon."
"But it's healing though? Getting better?"
She spins in his grip, pressing her palms flat against his chest as his arms tighten on her waist. Concern has been permanently etched into his features ever since she woke up in the hospital, and they only seem to be getting worse with each passing day. She gets short of breath or he wakes without her next to him and he panics. And she has to remind herself that she may have been the one to actually get shot, but he's going through it all same as her. He's imagined a life where she dies on him and now he flinches at her every mention of her mother's case.
He's terrified of losing her and she's terrified of losing herself.
"Yeah, it's getting better. Think you'll write any while I'm at PT?"
Castle seems to consider this for a moment, his gaze lingering a little too long on her scar.
"Do you think it's too on the nose if I have Nikki get shot?"
She knows he works out whatever's going on between them in his books. That much was evident with the first two. But this idea feels too personal.
"A little bit," she confesses.
"Thought so. Maybe I'll shoot Rook instead."
She can't read that. She lives out that horror on a rotating basis of nightmares. She can't stomach him writing about how she would feel if he got shot. The guilt would eat her alive first, she's sure of it.
"Why does anyone have to get shot?" Kate asks.
"Just toying with ideas," he shrugs. "All part of my process. But maybe I'll just go to the store instead until your appointment is over. Did you make a grocery list?"
She nods, almost thankful that he doesn't want to write about what's on his mind right now. "It's in the kitchen."
"Okay good. Now do you want me to help you find a shirt or do you plan to go in your bra?"
Kate huffs at him, entirely too grateful when his playful side returns. "I was debating if I should wear a sports bra or a regular bra because I don't know how vigorous this first session is going to be. But then I got distracted by the sight of my scar and that's when you walked in."
"Pick whichever one you think will irritate your scar the least. I don't think they're going to have you running laps straight out of the gate."
She sighs, residing to keep her regular bra on and reaching for her ratty NYPD T-shirt to put over it. She scrapes her hair up into a messy bun and then heads to the closet to pull out her tennis shoes.
"I'm a fan of the workout Beckett look," Castle muses from his new spot in the doorway. "She's like a very sexy looking slob."
"Watch it," she grumbles while she ties her shoes. "I may not be back at my full strength, but I could still take you down."
"Ooo she's even full of threats."
She stands up, brushing past him out into the hallway. "Yeah. Ones I fully intend to act upon when you least expect it."
"I look forward to it."
The sky is overcast when she steps out of the physical therapy building. The air is thick with the impending threat of a storm. Storms out here really used to freak her out when she was a kid. She had somehow convinced herself that being by the lake would turn the storm into a hurricane. Her parents had to do everything in their power to distract her. She's sure they were quite relieved when she finally learned about hurricanes in school. After that, she learned to love experiencing storms out here. No longer being afraid of them, she found falling asleep to the low rumbling thunder and pitter patter of the rain rather soothing.
Castle pulls up alongside the curb and she can see that the back is filled with grocery bags. From the looks of it, he definitely went off list.
"Did you leave anything in the store, Castle?" she asks, sliding into the passenger's side.
She's not used to him driving. But at the doctor's orders she's supposed to wait a few more weeks before getting behind the wheel again. And she'd rather be safe than sorry.
"I only needed one of everything," he teases right back. "Plenty of duplicates left for other shoppers."
Kate laughs a little at that before turning her gaze back up to the sky. "It's going to storm soon. I can feel it."
"How bad is it going to get?"
"Well I'm no meteorologist," she starts with a smirk, "but those clouds look pretty ominous."
"Do we have indoor activities planned for the day?" he asks, looking over at her as they hit a red light.
She shoots him a look, sensing the innuendo they still have to wait a few more weeks to act upon.
"Oh I'm sure we'll think of something," Kate sighs.
He grins, accelerating as the light changes. "How was your session?"
"Pretty introductory as I expected. She said we'll do more tomorrow."
"I know you know this, but don't overdo it, okay? It's not going to help you any."
She finds herself wondering if he would still be this concerned if they hadn't gotten together before she was shot. Or if they were just friends and he didn't love her. Because she's never seen him act like this before, and they've had their fair share of brushes with death prior to this. But then she remembers what he told her back in the hospital. About how he'd watched her die in that ambulance. Something that didn't happen when her apartment got blown up or she passed out in that freezer.
She understands why he's suddenly so overprotective. She does. She's way too familiar with dealing with the death of someone close to you. She just wishes there was more she could do to get him to realize that she's okay now. Sure she has nightmares, they both do, but physically her body will continue to heal just fine.
"Babe." There's that pet name again. She's still not sure how that developed or why he still hasn't called her out on it. Maybe he actually likes it. Hopefully he does because she's starting to. "I know my body. I know my limits. I have no intentions to make the pain worse."
That seems to ease him a bit, just as the first raindrop of the storm splashes onto the windshield. They don't beat the rain home. It's pouring by the time Castle pulls up to the cabin.
"Any chance there's an extra umbrella somewhere handy?" he asks, looking into the back seat at his bags upon bags of groceries. "We're gonna get soaked bringing all of these in."
"Let us," she shrugs, pushing open her car door and stepping into the torrential downpour.
The water slips over her skin and she can feel her clothes start to cling to her. She stares up into the abyss from which the droplets fall, closing her eyes and letting it wash over her.
"I had no idea you loved rain this much," she can hear Castle close the car door and yell over the storm.
"When's the last time you went outside and just enjoyed being in the rain?" she calls back to him.
"Um never?" She can hear his laughter and she shakes her head at him.
"I was afraid of thunderstorms when I was little. I always thought they would turn into hurricanes out here and we'd drown. And my mom thought if she could just get me out here in the rain, that I might be able to see the peace behind it instead of the fear. And when I got over that fear, we always used to rush out here in the first moments of a storm before the lightning started and get soaking wet, just so my dad would have an excuse to turn on the fireplace. She'd chase me around and I'd laugh and laugh, jumping in every puddle I could find. Now rainstorms just remind me of her. It's almost cleansing in a way. And right now, I could use some cleansing."
She feels his arms wrap around her from behind and it startles her eyes open with a laugh.
"What are you trying to cleanse yourself from?" he asks against her ear.
"This case. The nightmares. All of it." She spins in his grip, watches as the rain rolls right of his nose. "All of it except for you. You're the one good thing in my life right now, Castle. You're the only thing that's keeping me grounded."
He smiles, bending his head to press a soft kiss against her lips.
"I think the memories associated with this place, with your mom, are helping ground you too," he tells her. "I would love to take all of the credit, but like I told you when we first got here, this place has a life. And it's helping."
The first rumble of thunder adds itself to the music of the rain. Kate looks from Castle back over to the car.
"We should probably carry in the groceries before the lightning starts," she suggests.
"Yeah probably," he agrees. "And then you can teach me how to start that fireplace."
They sit around the glow of the fireplace, both of them having changed into dry clothes. Kate sits with a blanket across her lap, her hair tugged out of its messy bun and now curling against her shoulders as it dries. He'd been mesmerized by it earlier, watching her finger comb through the strands while she watched the fire crackle to life in front of her. Two days into this vacation or retreat or whatever is, and he's already learning so much more than he knew before. Like today he learned that he loves the look of her natural hair, the way it curls and crimps with a mind of its own. And he can tell that she doesn't by the way she runs her fingers through it every couple of minutes, trying to smooth out the frizz.
"When did you stop wearing your hair like that?" Castle asks.
She pulls a strand between her thumb and index finger, examining the end of it. "High school, I think. Part of that whole trying to fit in thing I suppose. And then I decided that I like my hair better when I style it."
"Well don't feel any pressure to continually style it while we're out here. I like this look on you."
"You like it like this?" she asks, combing her fingers through it yet again. "But it's so frizzy."
He shrugs, stretching his legs out in front of him from his spot on the floor. "I like knowing all of you. Even the parts you try to hide away."
"Well now, that was deep," she laughs.
"I aim to please," he smirks back.
Lightning cracks across the sky, shortly followed by a rather loud burst of thunder. It sparks an old memory from his childhood.
"I remember this thunderstorm we had back in the city when I was about 10 or so," Castle starts. "It caused power outages all over the place and our block was one of places that got hit. And Mother was freaking out because she had a show that night, but she had no idea if the theater still had power or not. Eventually she got a call, thankfully the landlines were still functional, that the show had been postponed due to the outage. So we lit a bunch of candles and stayed up telling ghost stories until the lights came back on. Hers were all theater related, of course, and quite a few of them involved Macbeth, but sometimes I catch myself thinking about that day and wondering if it played a part into my love of mystery."
Kate smiles down at him, her foot sneaking out from under the blanket to nudge his thigh. "I'm sure there were a lot of things that played into your love of mystery. And I don't doubt that was one of them. You and Martha have always been pretty close, haven't you?"
He nods, nudging her foot back with his elbow. "She can be a pain, but I can't even begin to imagine losing her."
"It's not something you'd want to imagine," she sighs, staring back at the fire. "It sucks. And no matter how many years go by, it continues to suck."
"Do you think things will get any easier when you bring her killer to justice?"
She hums, pulling the blanket tighter around her. "If I ever get the opportunity...it might help, but it won't bring her back. And getting the chance to take down her killer just seems to be slipping further and further away these days."
"You starting to doubt your abilities?"
Kate pulls down the v-neck collar of her shirt, exposing her scar. She traces over it with her fingers. "They don't want me looking into this. Gave me this neat little reminder." She lets go of the collar, allowing the shirt to settle back into place. "There's a part of me that wants to drop the whole thing and knows that's what I really should be doing. But I look at those pictures," she pauses looking at the mantle, "and it makes me sick because I know it was more than random gang violence that took her from me. How am I supposed to just sit back and let them get away with it? They tried to shut me up and they failed. It's so much more personal now than it ever was before. Her case has become my case. And I still don't know how I feel about that."
She shakes her head, scrubbing her hands through her hair. "I'm sorry. This conversation started out so light and I had to go and make it all heavy."
Castle pushes himself off of the floor and moves to join her on the couch. "You don't need to apologize. You've been through a lot, you're going through a lot, and you need to work through it all. I'm here to listen and offer my support or advice or whatever it is you need."
She rolls her head along the back of the couch to look over at him. "What do you think I should do?"
"As your partner? Don't back down. As someone who loves you?" He reaches for her hand. "Your life is more important than avenging hers."
"You're no help," she mutters with a smirk, squeezing his hand back.
"Okay, I'll say this. I'm invested in this case now. I want to know who's behind it, I want to see them taken down. I want both you and your mother to get the justice you deserve. But whoever it is has made it pretty damn clear that they don't want to be found out. If you're going to keep digging, if we're going to keep digging, we have to figure out a way to do it without setting off any more alarm bells. I can't watch you die again, Kate. I won't."
She curls into his side. "You have to be careful too. You have your daughter to think about here. I shouldn't be dragging you into all of this."
"Like hell you're doing this without me. I'm already in this."
Another loud crash of thunder outside and he feels her flinch beside him.
"You okay?" Castle asks, skimming a hand up her back.
She nods, curling in closer. "I'll be fine."
"Maybe we should talk about something else for a bit, huh?" he tries, nudging her with his elbow. "I've got plenty of stories involving my mother."
"Ooo yes do tell."
He tells her about the time his mother thought sailing lessons would be a good bonding experience for them, when really it was her way of telling him she had started dating the instructor. And Kate listens to him with such rapt attention, it makes his heart swell. She really does enjoy his stories and he's grateful for that, for her. The more time he spends with her, the more he gets the urge to call the guy they locked up for imitating murders from his books and thank him for allowing their introduction.