ok...in response to reviews i started an epilogue...which turned into a fourth chapter and a fifth will follow. curse my creativity! *shakes fist* anyway...here's chapter four or 'One in the Same'! enjoy!

Donatello and Raphael sat side by side on the couch, Don was messing around with a small gadget while Raph sat with his head in his hands, and his elbows on his knees, looking at the floor. Leo was currently pacing back and forth in a long, drawn out lecture.

"I mean, it was a bit important that you had a telepathic link guys, not to mention zarr narron in your heads, why'd you keep that from us?" donnie looked up from the gadget.

"Oh, because we wanted to be possessed leo. It looked like so much fun when april tried it." the now purple masked turtle rolled his eyes and Mikey burst out into laughter. Leo seemed unsure whether his brother was kidding or not. So Donatello continued, "leo, if we'd known she was in our heads we never would have kept it from you, but we just wanted to mess around a bit with the telepathic link. We never wanted this to happen ok?"

"So, you do still have the link?" leo wondered, donnie sighed.

"Yes, we do, see, april didn't separate us, in fact, she only removed the avon. Nothing else. It's exactly the same as it was when it started." he began working again, "why?" the leader in blue cast a worried glance at his red masked brother.

"Just wondering." he replied. Mikey followed leo's gaze and jumped over, landing next to Raph.

"You ok pal?" he asked, putting a comforting hand on his brothers shell, Raph lifted his head and looking into the baby blue eyes of his brother, guilt wracked his body and he slumped forward, bending almost in half. "Take that as a no?" Donnie looked at his brother in concern.

Raph? You ok?

Don't you get it? It's everything but ok. Raph responded waspishly. Donnie sighed and looked at leo, shrugging.

If you don't want help then, but maybe talk to april. She would understand more than any of us. Raph lifted his head again and seemed to contemplate this, leo seemed annoyed but said nothing.

Maybe i will. Raph sat up and rubbed his eyes, Leo's gaze flicked from one brother to the other.

"So...feeling better?" he asked, Raph shrugged.

"Yeah, i guess." he said, "sorry guys i guess I'm still a little out of it."

"Makes sense." Donnie reasoned, "seeing how you were possessed by an alien about, oh i dunno, seven hours ago? Give or take-"

"A few minutes." Raph finished, giving half a smile. "I know don."

"Right." donnie said, looking sheepish. "Sorry." he looked yet again down at the thing he was working on and Raph grimaced when his other brothers looked away for whatever reason. He stood abruptly.

"Splinter's in the dojo?" he asked, the other three turtles seemed a bit surprised, but Leo nodded. Raph nodded and walked out of the room, into the dojo. Leo looked questioningly at Donnie, who stared back innocently for a moment before sighing.

"Leo, I am not going to spy on Raph for you, for one thing, i can't. For another thing, i wouldn't. Ok?" mikey evidently saw an argument in the making and excused himself to make a pizza.

"Fine." Leo snorted, "but i want to understand what's going on with him."

"Cut the guy some slack leo." donnie said quietly, leo jerked his head up and narrowed his eyes. "We don't know half of what he's been through. Give him some space."

"What he's been through?" leo echoed disbelieving, "you have to be kidding. Don't you guys have that link?" donnie sighed.

"Yeah, but i don't pry. He lets me see what he wants me to see. In return, i let him see i what i want him to see. I can only tell he's a troubled guy. So like i said before, cut him some slack."

Raph knelt in front of splinter and opened his mouth to speak, but he closed it again. Donnie was right, he could tell enough of what was going through Raph's mind to tell what was troubling him. And he was right about april too, she had the same guilt, probably more. Raph got to his feet and walked out while his father was still in a deep trance, Leo and Donnie were arguing so he managed to sneak out without them noticing. Raph walked through the sewers for a while, finding himself walking towards April's house. He peeked above the street, it was evening, that was ok, not too dark or too light out. The red masked turtle jumped onto the street and almost immediately onto the fire escape of the nearest building. He scaled the building quickly and stood on the rooftop for a while. Then he reached out to his brother, wondering how far away they had to be to make the link stop working.

Don? You there?

Huh? Raph! Are you ok?

Yeah...i guess

Where the shell are you? Leo's on a rampage!

I bet.

I'm serious raph! Everyone's worried, sensei says you never talked to him! Where are you?

Out.

That's not an answer raph.

Who are you? Leo?

The word is worried raph, at least tell me where you are!

Out.

Raph.

Fine, i'm going to april's house, gonna talk and then maybe hang with casey for a bit. Tell mother hen that i'm gonna be fine.

Fine. see you raph,

Donnie's mind left and raph turned to the horizon. He could see April's house a block away and sighed again, he was horrible at words, granted, not as bad as donnie was, though he didn't have a crush on the girl, he still sucked at this whole 'feelings' thing. He shrugged it off and ran over the rooftop. He jumped across the street, barely making it to the other side, he caught himself and pulled himself up with his arms, taking a moment to appreciate how strong he was, and then he was going again, he found himself sitting on the roof of April's apartment and sighed. What was he gonna say?

'i almost reduced my brother to a quantum smear, kinda like what you did to me, any pointers?'

Yeah, he wasn't that insensitive. Raph shook his head, this wasn't the right plan. But he was spotted anyway.

"Oh! Hi raph!" April called, Raph turned, she was just inside the door to the stairs. "I was gonna look at the stars, do you need something?" april walked to him and studied his face. "Or do you want some space?"

"April-" Raph sighed, "how do you do it?" April's brow creased in confusion.

"Do what?"

"Deal with the-" raph held his hands in front of him and stared at them as if he could get an answer there, "deal with the guilt?" he asked, April sighed.

"Oh, that." the redhead said, and looked at the sky. "It's...hard." she admitted, "i stay awake at night thinking that if i hadn't sensed you and donnie, you would have died, i can hardly live with that guilt."

"What about.." raph hesitated, "what about the feeling you had while you did it? How do you deal with that guilt?" april frowned deeper.

"Feeling?" she echoed, "i...i didn't feel anything, no joy, no sadness, no anger, i wasn't in control." Raph growled in annoyance and turned away, running an agitated hand over his hairless head. "What raph?"

"I don't get it." he mustered out, "how did you do that?"

"Do what?" april was confused even more now.

"Devoid yourself of emotion?"

"It wasn't my choice." april said, looking carefully at raph, "why?" Raph growled in frustration again and sighed, spreading his hands helplessly.

"What do you think?" he sighed, "i almost killed Mikey, April,. I almost killed my baby brother!" April took in a breath. "I almost reduced him to a quantum smear and he doesn't even know it, the worst part is…" raph stopped, "is that...i knew what i was doing and i wanted to do it. How is that fair? You don't have that guilt april, it's only me."

"Raph-" april said, reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder, "it wasn't your fault, Zarr Narron was controlling you.

"More like egging me on." Raph growled, "it was like some part of me actually wanted this, that i wanted to kill my family, part of me hated-still hates, donnie for getting in our way and escaping her control, another part of me is jealous." his voice grew bitter. "Did you notice that leo only begged him? He only wanted Donnie to come back, he ignored me until Donnie was ok, and then i bet it was for hi good, not mine."

"Raph." April said softly, "I'm sure leo loves you just as much as he loves Donnie and Mikey."

"That's the other thing!" Raph said, "if he does he shouldn't! I don't deserve it! I hate myself april." he whispered, "i hate what i did," the red masked turtle looked at his hands, "i hate that i wanted to kill mikey, i hated that my soul was so tainted she took control easily, Donnie was fighting her the whole time, but that part of me...he took control, it was me april." the hot headed turtle said, almost sobbed, "it was me."

looks like Raph's having a guilt problem...what will happen next? ooooooh...! (cheesy i know) anyway, until next time- au revoir!