Hey guys - sorry it's been a long time since I updated this. I've been super busy, and when I do find time to write I usually focus mainly on "If You EveR Want To Fall In Love". But this idea came to me last night so I decided to sit down and write it today.

It is set in "Winter" after Luke and Lorelai get back to the Diner when he saves them when Kirk's car breaks down. They have they "kid" talk. And it occurred to me that maybe there was more to the story. Maybe they had tried when they got back together but it didn't work...maybe there was a reason they couldn't bare to talk about it.

Warning - some very sad parts and memories.

Will try and update again soon if I get inspired.

"Hey, Luke did you ever want a kid?"

"I have a kid."

"I mean a fresh kid."

"What the hell is a fresh kid?"

"A kid that's fresh. A kid with me. We never had a serious conversation about it, I don't think.
That moment at the Twickham house, but since then I figured if you wanted another kid you would say something."

"I brought it up once."

"When?"

"Five, six years ago."

"I don't remember."

"At the little league game. The kid playing right field walked off mid-inning to use the bathroom. I turned to you and I said, "That's the kid."

"That's the kid""

"Yes."

"That's the kid" is how you say you want to have a kid?"

"In so many words."

"No, that is not you saying you want to have a kid. "That's the kid" is acknowledging the kid about whom you said, - "That's the kid.

"I thought you knew what I meant."

"Impossible, because I don't speak "huh"?"

"Well that's what I thought and you didn't pursue it, so -"

"It was up to me to pursue it?"

"No. Sorry."

"Well, how do you feel about it now?"

"What?"

"Do you still want a kid?"

"Oh, well, I mean I mean, isn't it, uh, too late?"

"I don't know."

"Look, forget it. I have kids. I have April and I've always considered Rory to be a little bit mine, so…"

"Yeah, but she was so much fun to raise. Don't you want to have that kind of fun?"

"I have fun. Look at all the chairs I get to put on tables."

"You don't wanna toss a ball around with your son?"

"There's Jess."

"I said toss a ball "with" not "at."

"I'm fine."

"You'll never see your kid's graduation."

"I went to Rory's graduation."

"It's not the same."

"I know it's not the same."

"I don't want you to miss out on anything."

"Nobody gets to have everything they want in life. All in all, I think I did pretty good."

Lorelai watched him get up from the counter and begin to get back to cleaning up the Diner. She stood back and nibbled on her sprinkles. Something in her heart still ached. Why was this bothering her so much? Why now?

She looked over at the little whiteboard calendar April had made Luke get years ago. She saw the date and suddenly her heart clenched in her chest. Now she knew why…

8 years earlier…

Luke and Lorelai sat in the OBGYN office. Lorelai was laid out on the little examination table waiting. Today was the day they would see their baby on the little screen for the first time, hear his or her heartbeat. When they got back together, they had barely discussed having a family. They were too focused on trying to fix what they had so terribly broken.

However, when Lorelai found out she was pregnant there were tears of joy. There was an unspoken agreement that this was exactly what they both wanted. Luke was sitting beside her, his feet bouncing on the floor. She smiled and reached out to grab his hand. "Breath babe."

He sighed, "What are all these machines?"

She giggled, "Hon seriously...I'm fine. She's just gonna do a few little things and then we'll see our baby up on that screen there."

Luke smiled, "Is it gonna look like an actual baby or like a little squishy thing?"

"More like a squish thing." She said with a laugh, "But I bet it will still be adorable."

"Do we find out of it's a girl or a boy?" Luke asked.

She shook her head, "Still too early." She paused, "But I thought you didn't want to know."

He smirked a little, "I think I might now."

She laughed again, "Good. Because I was going to make her tell me either way."

He rolled his eyes, "Should have known."

The door opened and Lorelai's doctor walked in, "Good Morning Lorelai. And this must be Luke?"

"It is indeed." Lorelai said with a smile, "My handsome baby daddy."

Luke rolled his eyes, "Geez…" He stuck his hand out to the Doctor, "Nice to meet you Doctor-"

"Please, call me Erin." She said with a smile, "It's nice to meet you too." She pulled on some gloves and sat down on her stool, "Okay. Let's see here. This is going to be a little cold, and you may feel a little pressure."

Lorelai smiled, "Been a while but I remember the drill."

Erin smiled and clicked on the screen beside her, "Okay. Well then let's take a look here."

Lorelai heard Luke take a deep breath as he sat down beside her again; she reached out and took his hand. He seemed to calm down slightly, but she felt his fingers squeeze around hers tightly. She smiled and looked at the screen, waiting patiently.

"Alright." Erin said moving the wand around, "I can see a little sac here...let me see if we can get the heartbeat."

Lorelai smiled, "See that? That sac is the baby."

Luke scrunched up his eyes, "Looks like a vegetable or something."

"Which is ironic seeing as I hate vegetables." She said as she stuck out her tongue, "This kid better not take after you when it comes to eating habits."

Luke smirked, "I'd prefer it if it did actually."

She smiled and turned back to the screen, "How's it looking Doc?" She turned and noticed the expression on Erin's face, her heart thumped hard in her chest, "Erin?"

Erin turned towards her, "Um...I'll be right back Lorelai. One second."

Lorelai exhaled sharply, "What's wrong?"

"I just want a second opinion on something." She said quickly before exiting the room.

Luke shifted beside her and squeezed Lorelai's hand, "What's happening?"

Lorelai swallowed hard and looked at the screen again, "No…"

Luke turned back to her and frowned, "No what?"

The door opened again and another physician walked in, he smiled at Lorelai, "Hell Miss Gilmore. I'm just going to take a quick look here, okay?"

All she could do was nod slowly and squeeze Luke's hand beside her. He leaned closer to her trying to understand what was going on. But her eyes never left the screen. He heard Erin whisper something in the other Doctors ear and he nodded slowly before turning back to them.

"Lorelai, I'm uh…" He sighed and sat down in the empty stool beside her, "We can't detect a heartbeat."

"No." She said quickly, "No. That can't be right."

He frowned, "I know that this is difficult to hear. But sometimes this just happens...there is no specific reason as to why."

She shook her head again, "No. No that can't be right."

Luke squeezed her hand and licked his suddenly very dry lips, "I'm sorry...but can someone tell me what the hell is going on?"

Lorelai leaned her head back and sighed, "The baby's…" Her voice broke off and she started to cry harder. "Oh God…"

Erin looked at Luke, "Luke I'm sorry but...the baby that is in there won't come to term. He or she...has no heartbeat. There is no sign of viable life."

Luke swallowed hard, trying to wrap his mind around what was happening, "I don't understand."

"Luke I'm sorry…" Erin whispered, "But the baby is gone…"

A strange noise echoed in the back of his throat, he looked down at Lorelai. She had her hands covering her hands as she cried quietly. The other doctor and Erin stood up, "We'll leave you alone for a minute…"

After the door closed, Luke looked back up at the little screen again. He had been expecting to see his child. Their child. He had never dreamed of this possibility. A sob from her made him snap out of his daze, he looked down at her.

"Hey…" He whispered as his hands shook and he reached out to here, "Lorelai...it's okay."

"I lost our baby." She hiccupped, "I did this."

He leaned down and kissed her head, "No. No you heard them. They said sometimes it just happens...it wasn't anyone's fault."

She could hear him trying to sound confident, sure of himself and brave. But she could sense that pain, that rough sound in the back of his throat. The one that told her he was breaking inside just like her. But he was trying to stay strong.

For her. Just like he always did.

She hiccupped softly and pulled her hands away from her face, "I didn't realize how badly I wanted this until right now…"

He swallowed hard and looked down sadly, "I know."

She trembled slightly, "Luke it hurts…"

Leaning forward, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close, "I know."

Neither of them knew how long they had sat there together but it felt like forever, just trying to wrap their minds around what had happened.

Back in present time, Luke was lifting more chairs up on tables. He looked at her and saw the faraway look on her face. The look he hadn't seen in years. But he knew it. Because sometimes he felt it too. He pretended not to feel that pain...they both did. It was easier that way.

And no one else even knew about what had happened all those years ago. Not about the first or second time…and the second time was worse. So much worse...

7 years earlier...

Luke had spent the last two three days in New Mexico with April. They were having a father daughter weekend for Father's Day. He had loved spending time with her, but he had missed Lorelai. Now more than ever. She was pregnant again. Just about 9 weeks along, they had told no one yet. Just in case…

But Luke felt hopeful about this time around. Lorelai wasn't experiencing as much morning sickness. She wasn't anxious. She was glowing and excited. She was careful and taking all the necessary precautions. It occurred to him that next year on Father's Day...they'd have a baby to celebrate with. He imagined Lorelai parading their son or daughter into their room bright and early with some breakfast concoction. Some adorable card with the child's hand or footprint. And quite frankly...he couldn't wait.

Climbing the porch steps, he walked into the house. It was quiet, which was unusual. It was early afternoon and yet the house seemed strangely dark. Paul Anka did not rush to greet him. And Lorelai...she was nowhere to be seen despite the fact that her car was out front.

He walked into the kitchen, set down his bags and looked around. And then his eyes fell on the table. A bag, a pharmacy bag. He walked over and emptied it. Different pain meds, and instructions. The same type of instructions he had remembered from the year before and his heart sank into his stomach.

He turned quickly and dashed down the hall and up the stairs. He walked into their room; his eyes fell on the empty bed. She had washed the sheets the day before he left. She wouldn't have done it again so soon unless…

He looked around for her, but the room was dark and empty. The bathroom door to his right was open slightly, he heard a soft cry. He swallowed hard and walked over to the door, pushed it open and saw her leaning against the tub. Her knees were pulled up against her chest, her forehead rested against them and she cried. Paul Anka was lying beside her, his head resting on her feet.

"Lorelai…" He whispered softly into the room.

She didn't lift her head, she didn't acknowledge him but he heard her whisper, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

The sob pulled at his throat and he sat down beside her, pulling her into his arms, "Shhh…"

"It's me. It's something wrong with me. I'm sorry Luke. God I'm so sorry." She sobbed as she clung to his shirt.

He closed his eyes tightly and held her, "There is nothing wrong with you." She started to cry harder, "Why didn't you call me?"

She hiccupped and pulled away, pulling at the hem of her shirt she sighed, "I didn't want to ruin your weekend with April."

He frowned, "But...you were alone?"

She licked her chapped lips and nodded, "I woke up this morning...and I knew. I knew something was wrong. The sheets…" She cringed and lowered her head again, "I went to the hospital. They called Erin and she…" She shook her head, "She said it just happens...just like before. No real reason. Just nature's course of…" Her voice trailed off and she sighed.

He swallowed hard, "You should have been alone Lorelai. Why didn't you call Sookie or your Mom?"

Her face crumbled again, "I couldn't. I couldn't bare it Luke. They didn't even know...and I couldn't admit it to myself." She ran her hands through her hair, "Luke…"

He swallowed hard and reached out to rub her back, "It will-"

"I can't do it again." She whispered softly, "I can't get my hopes up. I can't feel this pain again…"

He was quiet for a moment, "We don't know that it would-"

"It would." She whispered, "I feel it in my gut. It's me...maybe my age. I don't know." She sniffled, "But I can't even take the chance. And if you want to leave-"

Luke gripped her tighter, "I am NEVER leaving."

She glanced at him and reached out to touch his face, "I wanted this baby. For us. For you. I swear Luke I tried...I-"

He reached out and put his hand over hers, "No matter what happens next, we're in this together. Okay? You and me. We're going to figure this out."

Leaning over she rested her head in the crook of his neck, "I'm so-"

"Shh…" He whispered as he rubbed her shoulder, his lip trembled when he felt her shake against him and heard the tears, "Shh…I'm here now."

Luke swallowed hard and pushed the thoughts from his brain. He hated to think about that. He hated to even remember that it happened. A week after the last time...they agreed they wouldn't try again. It was too hard, and Lorelai insisted that no one knew. Not even Rory.

He knew it was her way of protecting herself but he had worried about what it would do to her, to them. Luke had pushed those feelings and emotions down. Way down. Just like he did with all his pain. It was what he had done with his parent's death, and when he and Lorelai first broke up and she married Christopher.

Yet this pain had felt different. More severe...more life altering.

Snapping out of his daze, he turned and saw her standing still behind the counter. Her lips curved downwards and he walked over to her. Wrapping his arms around her from behind, he kissed the back of her neck, "I know."

She sighed and leaned against him, "I try so hard not to think about the what if's. What would have happened if I had…" She sighed and turned to look at him, "I told myself it was better to pretend that it didn't happen. That we didn't lose…" She looked down and placed a hand on his chest, "And sometimes it works and other times like now...it comes to the surface again and it hurts Luke. It hurts so damn bad."

Luke nodded and reached out to touch her face gently, "I know."

She took a deep breath and stepped back, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought any of this up...it was stupid."

"It wasn't stupid." Luke whispered, "You brought it up for a reason."

She knew he wanted to know why, she composed herself for a moment before saying, "Do you remember that fight I had with my Mom? After Dad died?"

Luke nodded, "I do."

She sighed and leaned against the counter, "She talked about me being a natural disaster...blowing in and out of people's lives. Ruining them wherever I went." She bit her lip and frowned, "She brought up you...our relationship. Our lack of marriage and...children."

Luke sighed and leaned against the back counter, "Why didn't you tell me?"

She swallowed hard and shrugged, "I don't know. I was so angry with her...but angrier at myself I think. And I just...buried it all away again. But then being there tonight with Rory...I had to tell her about what happened that night. And it all came rushing back to me." She frowned and looked up at him slowly, "Maybe I should have tried harder. Tried again...for you."

Luke shook his head, "Lorelai, stop."

She sniffled, "I know how badly you wanted it. How bad you wanted a baby...you didn't get to have that with April."

Luke stared directly at her, "I told you before, I think I did pretty damn good."

Sighing, she stepped up to him, "Do you ever think...if we had just gotten our shit together sooner…"

He nodded slowly, "Of course I do."

"But...you're happy?" She asked in a choked voice, "Despite...despite what we don't have. Are you still...do you still?"

He nodded slowly, "You know I do. And yes Lorelai. I am happy."

She sighed and leaned forward to bury her face in the crook of his neck, "Suddenly I'm exhausted."

He nodded and rubbed her back, "Okay. Let's go home."

Pulling away, she finished cleaning up what she was doing. Grabbed the rest of her donut and turned to wait for him. Luke followed her and closed up the Diner. He held the door open for her and she climbed into the truck beside him. They rode quietly to the house; neither of them knew quite what to say.

When they got home, Luke offered to take Paul Anka out. She went upstairs and began her nightly routine, totally lost in thought. He came up to their room a short while later, and smiled at her. She climbed into bed and turned on the TV. When he came back in, he pulled the covers back and lay down beside her.

"Why didn't you tell your Mom?" He asked softly, she turned towards him, "I mean I understood then. But why not now? Maybe she'd understand...maybe it would help."

She frowned, "Or give her another reason to hate me."

He reached out and squeezed her hand, "She doesn't hate you and you know that."

Turning back to him she smiled sadly, "There was one time...when I almost told her. Soon after we lost…" Her voice hitched in her throat, "The second time…" She sighed and shook her head; "We were over at their house for their fourth of July party. She kept talking about her friend Darla and how she had just had a new grandson. How adorable he was...how he had the cutest laugh." Her eyes welled up with tears as she spoke, "And she kept looking at me...as if trying to figure out if I would react. I swear every nerve in my body was on edge. It was like I could feel the baby all over again...like it was still there but I knew it wasn't. I opened my mouth to say something...to tell her what happened and instead…" She laughed sadly, "I asked if she had any more tequila at the bar." She reached up and wiped at her eyes, "Seemed safer...easier. If I had told her...I would have had to really admit to myself what we had lost."

Luke sighed and squeezed her hand tighter, "I almost told April once."

She frowned and looked over at him, "What? When?"

He sighed, "When she called to tell me she couldn't get an extra ticket for her graduation. I was so damn excited to see her ya know? I was going to watch my kid graduate and she was so upset on the phone. And I played it off like I was fine with it which of course I wasn't." She frowned as she watched him, "And suddenly I had this image of our kid...of what could have been. And I started to say something...but all that came out was that you and I would throw her a party when she came to Stars Hollow."

She sighed and lay down beside him, her eyes locked with his as their hands met in the middle of the bed, "Do you hate me for giving up?"

Luke shook his head, "No. I get why you did." He frowned, "Because I think deep down I couldn't do it again either. Get my hopes up...feel that loss. As much as I wanted it...as much as I wanted a baby of our own I couldn't do it all again."

She sighed again and reached out for the clicker, "Life goes on, huh?"

He watched her slowly, "It's okay to feel sad. Anyone would feel that way about this...about what we…"

She settled on some old movie and nodded, she turned to see his eyes beginning to close, "I know." She reached out and rubbed his arm, "Go to sleep Luke. You woke up early today."

He reached out for her, "Are you-"

"I'm good." She said trying to sound convincing, "We're good. Go to sleep."

He sighed and rolled over, his mind was muddled trying to figure out what to say or do but nothing came to mind. So he closed his eyes to try and go to sleep, push it all down again. It's what he did best…

Lorelai turned to the TV and watched the screen aimlessly. Until some words floated to her ears and she began to wonder again...

"Okay, Sandy, see you then."

"Who's Sandy?"

"Do you have to know everything?"

"I'm your best friend and business partner, so yes."

"Sandy is our surrogate."

"You're doing it."

"We're thinking about it."

"Exciting!"

"I just hope it works. A baby would really help everything."

The words slipped out of her mouth before she had time to think it through, "What about a surrogate?"

Luke mumbled in his sleep, "Huh?"

She turned and rubbed his back affectionately, "A surrogate. We never thought about other options. We just assumed it wasn't in the cards because we couldn't…" She cringed and said, "Because I couldn't…"

Luke turned back to her, "We've had this discussion before, this wasn't your fault. It wasn't anything you did."

She shook her head and said, "Luke listen to me. Just...I mean what about surrogacy? Or even adoption?"

He sighed and sat up, realizing he wasn't going to get any sleep, "A surrogate?"

"Or adoption." She said quickly, "That's an option too."

Luke rubbed the back of his neck, "Now?"

She shrugged, "Why not? I mean Luke...why couldn't we at least look into it? You want to see your kid graduate."

"I told you that I was okay with the way things were." He said quickly.

She shook her head; "You want to play ball with someone. With your son...or it could be your daughter if you wanted. You know we can have a modern girl. A tomboy. That would be cute!"

He sighed, "Lorelai…"

"I mean there are so many kids out there who need a family, right?" She asked hopefully, "We could give one of them a home...we have the room."

"Right but isn't adoption a lot of money, and a tough process? I mean don't they say it's not guaranteed?" He asked trying to keep up.

"Yeah I guess. But we could also go for the surrogacy thing." Her face brightened, "Hey! Paris is like some surrogacy guru! She's got a huge empire. Helps people all the time. Even celebrities! I bet we could call her and she'd totally help."

Luke stared at her for a moment, "Lorelai…"

She sighed and scooted closer to him, "I just...I have all these what if feelings Luke. I shouldn't and I know I said I tried to push them away. But I think they might always be there and so...why not try?"

Luke stared at her for a moment, "Surrogacy…"

She nodded, "Someone else would carry the baby…"

He frowned, "Do I have to have sex with the person?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, "Hell no. It doesn't work that way. But with surrogacy we still get our own baby...I mean if you don't want to adopt."

He frowned, "I'd want our baby…"

She nodded, "Me too. But...you know…"

He looked up at her and frowned, "Surrogacy…"

She shrugged, "Maybe it sounds crazy Luke. But...can we at least go and talk to someone? See what our options are?"

Luke looked deep into her blue eyes. For years he had dreamed of a little baby of their own. A little baby with her eyes. Those eyes that melted him, those eyes that breathed life back into him. Losing their babies had taken that dream...and maybe if he hadn't screwed up so badly back then...and she hadn't run away things would have been different. But this was their life. This was where they were and like her...he had those what ifs.

But was this right? Did it make sense to do this now?

He loved the life they had. He loved her more than he thought it was humanly possible to love another human being. Things had not turned out the way he had planned all those years ago but it was enough for him. She was more than enough for him. Every day with her was an adventure. Every moment he spent with her made him feel like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.

But lately, since Richard had passed away something about her seemed different. In some ways it felt like she was slipping away from him. Would a baby fix this?

She was his everything and it scared him to death to think that he could lose her. If he said no would she leave?

He didn't know how he felt about this...he had given up those dreams a long time ago. He wasn't sure if now was the right time. But the hopeful look in her eyes was so different than the devastated look he remembered from all those years before. For a week after they had lost both babies, he had lay with her in bed, held her close and they both cried. And it hurt like hell. And now he wanted to know if they still had that possibility.

Could he see himself hold a baby now? He wasn't sure...but he sure as hell could see her with one. With their baby. And so...he said-

"Okay." It came out of his mouth before he could second guess it.

Her face lit up, "Okay?"

Luke laughed a little but nodded, "Okay. We can go...we can see what this all entails. See if we can do this."

She scooted closer to him, "Luke-"

"Surrogacy...I'd want one of...of our own." He said with a trembling voice, "They way I pictured it before…"

She nodded slowly and took his hand, "I get that."

"But…" He said quickly, "I'm not saying that we are definitely doing this. We need...we need to talk about it. To discuss the implications and-"

"I know." She said quickly, "And I agree. This would just be us going to see what happens. See what our options are."

Luke frowned, "But if we are going to agree to this...if we decide to do this I need you to promise me something."

She nodded quickly, "Okay. Anything."

"I need you to remember that you did nothing wrong." He whispered and reached for her hand.

She looked down sadly, "Luke…"

"I know you think it was your fault." She cringed and tried to pull away, "Lorelai." She stopped and let her eyes lift to his, "Look at me…" She lifted her eyes to his, "I know that all these years you've walked around with this guilt. That you've felt like it was something you did. But it wasn't. It just...wasn't meant to be. You have to know that. You have to let that go."

She swallowed hard and sighed, "I felt like I let you down…"

Luke leaned forward and touched her cheek, "You could never let me down."

She breathed him in and sighed, "I love you Luke Danes…"

He smiled and rested his forehead against hers, "I love you too."

She reached out and flipped the TV off before snuggling under the covers. Luke lay down beside her and pulled her into his arms. She rested her hand on his chest and let him play with her long black curls.

"We'll be okay." She whispered softly, "No matter what happens. Right?"

Luke nodded and kissed the top of her head, "Right. We always are." She clung to him a little tighter and he gave her another squeeze, "And we always will be."

She sighed against him and let her eyes close wondering what would happen next. He lulled her to sleep like he always did when she was upset. And whatever happened tomorrow, she would be able to face because he was right beside her. He was her everything and she was his. But now she wondered if there was a possibility of more…

Just my take on things. I don't know why the idea popped into my head. It just...came together for me. I wish they had gone through with the surrogacy thing...but hey. Not my story to tell! Will update soon when I can.