I remembered the way the frigid water seemed to swallow me whole, encompassing me into its watery depths. I could feel the water soaking through my skin, the cold seizing my muscles, and the salt burning my nostrils, even though I was currently swaddled tightly in a thick blanket.
I had almost died. It was difficult to grasp that, especially now that I had "almost died" several times, most cases in the past year. If Jacob hadn't been there, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be dead. The thing that was nagging me in the back of my mind, however, that forced itself into the forefront of my thoughts, was that I wasn't sure whether I was better off here than I was in the water. In the water, I had Edward. Now, as I tried to recall the way he had looked in that moment, his features were blurred, as though the water had smeared him away from my memory. Here, I didn't even have Jacob. He was off protecting me from Victoria. I wondered if he would ever realize that the real danger was in my mind.
I hadn't been trying to kill myself. That's what I told everyone. That's what I told myself. I couldn't help but wonder now, though, whether being suicidal was the road I was steering myself down on. At first I had started out with the little risks, the ones that teenagers are expected to take. I'd been taking things more and more extreme, however, just so that I could see him. That's when the question hit me; would I do something like this again?