A/N: Wooweee these chapters are long! I just wrote and wrote and wrote for this chapter and the previous one and then had to decide where to cut it and once I got going I couldn't stop. I actually wrote most of the third chapter as well, or the eleventh rather! I found a lot this episode to work with, more than last ep! As I upload this, I have finished all four chapters for this weeks ep. I'm not entirely happy with the last two parts, so I'm going to go re-read and edit and try to improve them tomorrow when I'm less headachey and grim feeling! I kinda feel like I can't top this chapter and the following two compared to this are just so...eh. But we'll see!

Right. So. Some of the stuff I've used in this scene is from the one shot I did based on the promo for this episode. Because it's what I wished had happened, I've just adapted it for this. I feel like I should apologise and warn you guys for how dark this gets. I feel like this season of PLL is pretty dark, and I feel like Hanna's in a very dark place, and I feel like the show isn't showing as much as it should. So I'm trying to explore that here, and it doesn't help that I take an actors approach and try to get in to the characters head. So yeah...I'm really sorry for this chapter. But...Caleb's in the next one so hold tight!

They finally made it back to the barn. Emily and Alison had quickly cleaned up before Emily took her car and headed off to Welby to sneak Alison back in. As soon as they'd left Spencer put the chain on the door. Hanna was just standing and staring at the mud all over the floor of the barn while Aria was close by trying to work out how to help Hanna. Hanna knew what Aria was thinking, Aria was thinking that maybe she should call Caleb and get him to help, she knew it because Caleb had been the one helping her this entire time. But Hanna didn't want Caleb involved, she wanted him as far away from this as possible so he wouldn't go down too. So he'd be safe. So he wouldn't have to know what she did. Wouldn't be dragged in to it. Wouldn't look at her and see a murderer. See the blood all over her.

"Han….do you want to take a shower?" Aria asked. Hanna was snapped out of her thoughts, and at the memory of His blood hitting her face…she nodded and started to head for Spencer's bathroom.

"Don't call Caleb, promise me" Hanna whispered to Aria as she passed her. Aria nodded.

"I promise" but Hanna could tell Aria didn't agree with the decision. She had to hope Aria was the good friend Hanna thought she was. She didn't know when it had happened but Hanna had come to rely on Aria the past few days.

Hanna closed the bathroom door behind her with a soft click. She stared down at herself, then slowly walked towards the mirror, and peered at her reflection. She saw the blood on her face. His blood. Her breaths started to come faster and she started to panic. She wanted it off. She didn't want the blood on her, didn't want it there on her skin, touching her. She practically ripped her torn and dirty clothes off, pushing them out of the door when she was done.

"I don't….I don't want to see these again" She said abruptly. Spencer nodded.

"It's okay Han…I'll take care of it and…I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier, I know you panicked…it was nothing to do with Caleb I was just….stressed and scared." Hanna nodded, not entirely sure she believed her, this was, after all, the second thing Hanna had screwed up for her, then retreated back in to the bathroom. She glanced at her reflection again and then threw herself in the shower, fumbling with the water as she put it as hot as it would go. She felt like she'd never be warm again.

Hanna spent a long time standing under scalding hot water, scrubbing her skin over and over again until it was practically raw. No matter how hard she scrubbed she couldn't get the feel of his blood off of her. She couldn't feel clean. She felt…dirty. Eventually the hot water started to run out and Aria tapped on the door.

"Han, you okay in there?" she asked worriedly.

"I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute" she replied, turning off the water and wrapping herself in a towel. She went over to the mirror and wiped some steam away, so she could examine her reflection again. Her face was clean. No blood, no dirt. It was gone. But it didn't feel like it was gone. It felt like it was permanently embedded on her face. She closed her eyes and opened them again…then checked her reflection. She still looked clean. Maybe she was on the outside…but she wasn't on the inside. Hanna went to move her hair off her face, and as she did she felt something. Something hard and small. She felt around in her hair, then managed to grasp whatever it was. She pulled it out carefully, and looked at it. It was a shard of glass. From the windshield. She swallowed and brought it to eye level. There was blood on it…..his blood. She stared at it. Hearing the glass smash….feeling the blood hitting her…seeing his face. His blood was on this shard…this shard that had clung to her no matter how much she'd washed her hair and body. It had clung on. Because she murdered him. She killed him and she would never be able to forget it. She shook her head a little and threw the shard in the trash, not wanting to be in contact with it for any longer. She was breathing heavily and she jumped when there was another light tap on the door.

"Han? I got you a robe" Aria said. Hanna slowly opened the door.

"Thanks" she muttered taking the robe from Aria and closing the door before she could say anything else. Hanna stood with her back to the door, clutching the robe while she tried to level out her breathing. She couldn't have another episode, not right now. Not without Caleb to help me. Her brain whispered before she shut it up. Hanna finally wrapped herself in the robe, towel dried her hair as best she could and emerged from the bathroom.

Aria and Spencer had cleaned themselves up while she'd been in the shower and now Spencer was on her hands and knees trying to clean up all the mud everyone had tracked in while Aria paced anxiously near the bathroom door.

"How does it feel to be clean?" Aria asked, trying for light hearted.

"I wouldn't know" Hanna responded, feeling bad she hadn't played along with Aria, but unable to lie. To act so….casual after killing someone. Aria nodded understandingly. Hanna figured Aria understood at least some of what was going on with her now, and tried a weak smile. Hanna turned to where Spencer was cleaning the floor.

"Spencer I should help you with that" Hanna said in an empty voice.

"No, I got it, please just sit down Hanna, okay" Spencer said, trying to smile reassuringly. "Besides if anyone should help me it should be pacey over there" she nodded in Aria's direction.

"Hey! I was going to offer…"

"Sure you where" Spencer shook her head. Hanna sat down heavily in the armchair, staring at the ground. At the mess she'd helped create, that Spencer was having to clean up. She looked up, about to insist Spencer let her help again when she spotted Aria staring at her hand.

"What?"

"Hanna….please tell me you didn't lose your ring when we where burying a dead body" Aria's calm voice deteriorated in to a panicked hiss. Spencer's head snapped up.

"Aria, remember Caleb said…." Spencer trailed off looking meaningfully at Hanna's ring. Aria's face flooded with relief as she remembered the conversation from the other day.

"Sorry….I guess with everything that happened it slipped my mind and then…..I panicked" she said sheepishly.

"Caleb said what?" Hanna asked quietly.

"We just…we noticed you weren't wearing your ring and Caleb said you'd called Jordan and we asked Caleb and-"

"What did he say?"

"He said you'd tell us when you're ready…" Aria nudged Spencer.

"It's okay Han, you don't have to tell us anything, I just panicked when I saw your hand is all" Hanna was silent. "Han?"

"I guess it doesn't matter now….I broke up with Jordan. I…I was debating putting it on but then Emily…and…I forgot about it"

"Debating?"

"I didn't want you guys to know…I thought if I put it on you guys wouldn't think anything was wrong….I thought I could carry on like everything was normal and you guys wouldn't worry about me or….or pity me"

"But?" Aria prompted, settling on to the arm of the chair Hanna was sitting in.

"But at the same time…it felt wrong to wear it because…." Hanna glanced at Spencer.

"Because of Caleb" She finished for her. Hanna nodded.

"I'm sorry Spencer"

"It's okay Hanna, I'm not mad at you….I'm mad at myself and at him…but not at you. You suffered so much and you still tried to put me before you, and….I should have known better. I didn't…I didn't even ask what happened between you guys." Hanna didn't say anything. Spencer shared a look with Aria.

"About Caleb…"

"We're not calling him, okay. He can't be involved in this"

"Hanna, I know you want to protect him but-"

"NO. Okay. NO. Caleb and I…I….."

"Hanna, we know you love him…and he loves you…so what's the problem. He told me he's-"

"It doesn't matter Spencer. It doesn't. None of it matters"

"Han-"

"No Aria. It doesn't matter how Caleb feels about me or how I feel about him. I always screw it up. Something always goes wrong or comes between us. If Caleb and I got back together, he'd be a target. I can't let anyone else get hurt because of me"

"Is that why you broke up with Jordan? It has to be more than just your feelings for Caleb because if you want to keep Caleb away the smart thing to do would be to keep up the engagement with Jordan but you didn't…" Spencer asked and Hanna nodded.

"I can't let Caleb get hurt because of me. Whether it's A doing the hurting…..or me. I know he wants to protect me…but I want to protect him. I want to keep him safe so he doesn't get hurt because if he got hurt….I'd…I'd…I've hurt him enough" Aria put her arm around Hanna.

"Han, Caleb can take care of himself, and you know he'll involve himself anyway, to keep you safe. He already has by getting Mona to look in to Rollins" Aria winced after saying the name.

"That's why I have to keep him away. Keep him away from me and all this, before he gets in too far. "

"And how's that working out for ya?" Spencer found herself repeating the same sentence from hours ago.

"I just…I….."

"You can't help yourself" Aria said knowingly.

"I need to. I need to keep Caleb away. If I don't screw things up between us A will….oh wait…A won't need to screw anything up…this dead body and the fact I murdered someone should do it" Hanna said voice rising, letting out a slightly hysterical laugh. "I can't do this with him again, I can't, not when everything gets screwed up and I'm so broken and damaged and…and messed up after what he….what Rollins….did. And now…now I killed someone and Caleb can't know, he can't, because if he found out he'd never look at me the same way again, I can't even look at me the same way again…I'm a murderer" Hanna started to cry. Aria wrapped her arms around her as best she could from her angle, while Spencer looked horrified.

"Hanna….I know what I said but I was just scared and frustrated and…..I know it was an accident"

"But I don't think it was" Hanna sobbed.

"I….I…..I saw him and I-I-I was back in the barn, back in a cold dark room being….being….." Aria and Spencer shared a look.

"Being what Hanna?"

"He…he…..the dollhouse, I told Aria it was completely different to what happened in the barn, the dollhouse…it was all mental but in the barn…he…he…"

"Hanna it's okay, you don't have to tell us anything" Aria soothed, removing her arms from around Hanna and opting to rub her back soothingly instead. But Hanna wasn't listening. Spencer was staring at Hanna, unable to look away.

"I knew it was him…..when we where outside the house while you where inside Aria…I knew it was him when he looked me in the eye….I could see it in his eyes…he…he…he was gloating…triumphant..he knew me. He knew me on some…some other level. It was him it had to be, and I knew it was a guy because…because…." Hanna choked on a sob.

"Han, stop" Spencer commanded.

"He kept me in the dark….it was always dark….the sun didn't even come through properly it was always dark and shadowy and the light hurt my eyes so I had to…I had to stay in the shadows with…with…" Hanna took a huge breath, tears coursing down her face while Aria stroked her hair. "There where things…in the shadows…in the dark…I think…think they where rats. Things where moving….I was too scared to try and look properly…..I wasn't alone even when he…he wasn't in there with me. It was always dark….I was always in the dark but he…he could always see me…always. He always knew exactly where I was…so….so I could never get away from him…could never avoid it." Aria looked at Spencer.

"Night vision…had to be. Must have been how he took that photo too" Spencer practically whispered. Hanna was oblivious, lost in her own world.

"I woke up…and it was cold, and dark and I was alone. I was alone and I hurt all over, and I was bruised and he mustn't have cared if I got hurt when he knocked me out and dragged me through that hole or maybe….maybe he…he….maybe when I was unconscious he…"

"We get it Han, it's okay" Aria again.

"I couldn't get out….I was trapped and I couldn't get out and I was alone and it was so cold. I kept crying for help…crying for….you guys and for….for…for Caleb" Hanna sobbed out. "But no-one came except for…..him. I had to sit with my back to the wall because it was so dark and I couldn't see and..and…and…I didn't want anything to creep up on me, I wanted to be facing….it…him. I couldn't tell if anyone was there and I was shivering all the time because he…he…he took my clothes"

"The doll…." Spencer realised.

"Do you think Caleb realised because…."

"He must have or he'd have gone-" Hanna cut them off.

"So cold. I guess I should be grateful I was cold…the vent thingy was how I got out after you showed me Spence"

"Wait, what?" Spencer interrupted but Hanna ignored her.

"Save it for later, okay Spence?" Spencer nodded at Aria and they turned back to Hanna who was continuing as if they weren't even there. Hanna couldn't see or hear anything except for the barn and Rollins and…..and electricity.

"He wouldn't give me any food….but I…I managed to get water. I got lots of water….if I…..if I kept my mouth open sometimes I could drink some. I probably should have cared that it was dirty or…or diseased but I was so thirsty and so…so…tired. I…I told myself I needed something to keep me going….to keep me….keep me functioning so that when I escaped I could….I could do it…..when I was running after I got out I thought I'd pass out…I didn't think I'd make it and I could hear someone following me and I was so weak I didn't think…but I made it" Hanna said as if reassuring herself. The robe shifted and Spencer saw Hanna's skin for the first time.

"Is that….."

"It's a burn mark….Ezra said…he said" Aria swallowed unable to finish.

"There are others, I have them all over" Hanna's empty voice was back.

"Hanna…what happened?" Spencer asked, not entirely sure she wanted to know the answer.

"Spence I don't think-"

"The first time it happened…I didn't know what was going on. But after that first time…I learned what to expect. Knew what was coming..it…it made it easier to deal with but that first time….that's the one I remember. Over and over and over again…that and the….the….." Hanna swallowed, breathing hard. "I heard the door open and I thought….I thought…." Hanna started to cry again, "I thought it was you guys…that you'd found me and come to rescue me. I could hear someone moving around and I….I called your names. But no-one answered. I heard….I heard a laugh…but it was distorted and….and it was creepy and then I knew it wasn't any of you…that none of you had come for me and…and then…I couldn't hear him moving anymore. I didn't know where he was and I backed up to the wall to make sure he wasn't behind me, and it was so dark I couldn't see. I was trying to see…..see where he was when this torrent of water hit me…..it slammed in to me and it was freezing and I couldn't get away from it and it hurt and he kept on spraying and spraying and spraying and I swallowed some whenever it hit my face because I was so…so thirsty." Hanna paused, trying to breath through her tears, "It…it felt like forever but then it stopped and I…I thought that was it and I was confused because….I couldn't figure out why he'd spray me with water. I was already freezing….I didn't understand. I was….I was trying to wipe water out of my eyes so I never even saw it coming but I….I-I heard this weird sound and-" Hanna broke off with a sob, Aria took one of Hanna's hands with her own and soon found it gripped by both of Hanna's. Spencer looked like she might be sick, Aria had been forewarned by Ezra's comment but Spencer…she had no idea.

"He used it on me….he used it and…and….he shocked me with it. Over and over and over again with that…..the…..cattle prod. I kept asking him to stop, I was crying and I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn't, he kept doing it over and over and he kept hitting different spots so I couldn't….I couldn't try and block him and I couldn't see. Arms, legs, neck, stomach, ribs…he kept hitting me with it and…and….and it hurt so bad and….and he wouldn't stop and I….I…."

"What Hanna? You can tell us anything" Spencer said reassuringly. Moving closer and resting her hand on Hannas, with Aria's clasped between. Hanna looked at Spencer apologetically, but before Spencer could scold her for it, Hanna continued, tears falling faster down her cheeks.

"I wanted Caleb" Hanna sobbed.

"Oh Han" Spencer said, unsure how to comfort her.

"No matter how much I cried, or pleaded or begged he wouldn't stop and I kept….I kept wishing Caleb would come and…and…and save me but he didn't and Rollins he kept…he kept hitting me with that…that prod and I kept telling him I didn't know who killed Charlotte. I told him….I…I told him, but he wouldn't stop. I just wanted him to stop….and eventually he did and he left but I…I couldn't move I just…I slid down to the floor and I couldn't move" Hanna cried. Aria and Spencer doing their best to comfort her, but not knowing how.

"He came back a few hours later" Hanna said quietly. "He spoke…his voice was disguised but…it was him right?" Aria and Spencer nodded. "He asked me again and again about Charlotte. How she died. When. Why I killed her and I told him I didn't know…..I didn't kill her. I swore I didn't again and again. I couldn't answer any of his questions and I kept saying I didn't over and over. Then I think….I think he believed me or….or he already knew because he started to ask me who killed her. He asked me over and over and over and he kept hitting the wall around me each time….and it kept making me jump because I…I couldn't see him or…or where he was aiming and I kept thinking he'd hit me next…but he just kept hitting the wall and asking me again and again and again and then he must have started to believe me because he…he…he got really really mad and he…he.."

"Hanna, I think you should stop okay?" Aria tried. But Hanna was lost in her memories again and she stared at the floor blankly, tears wetting her face as she recounted what had happened.

"He….he grabbed me and he…he…I couldn't fight him off..and…and he was really strong and…..and…he didn't look that strong not when…when I….when I killed him. I could….I moved his body so easily….to tip it in the hole…he didn't look strong then. But he was…when he-he-he pinned me and I struggled but I couldn't get away….I was so weak…so tired…I couldn't get away and I thought he…..I thought he was going to kill me" Hanna choked out. "I thought he'd kill me but he didn't and it….it was so much worse…it…it made me wish he would just to make it stop." Spencer and Aria had tears in their eyes but no matter what they said, Hanna wouldn't stop…couldn't stop. She'd started speaking and she couldn't stop, not until she'd gotten it all out, not until she'd told them everything. It was like the floodgates had been opened and she couldn't stop speaking or crying.

"He pinned me and he…he…he pressed the rod to my back and he-he-he-he held it there. He held it there and he kept asking the same question over and over again…shouting…over and over again. 'Who killed Charlotte? Who? Who killed her?' I told him…I told him I didn't know….I swore I didn't know….I kept saying over and over, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. But he kept asking and he kept….he kept pressing it to my back and…and…he wouldn't stop" Hanna cried. Aria wrapped her arms around Hanna again, tightly, as tightly as she could without hurting her. Hanna raised her head and looked Spencer dead in the eye. Spencer swallowed at all the pain she could see there. Hanna spoke in a very quiet voice, breath hitching as she cried.

"I saw you in there Spencer. I had a dream, and you where in there with me and you spoke to me and sang me to sleep and you stayed with me and you told me how to get out. It was you who told me. If you hadn't I…I wouldn't have been able to get out. You said I wouldn't die in there. You said you wouldn't let it happen and you told me how to get out of there" Spencer exchanged a confused look with Aria.

'Han you got yourself out that wasn't really-"

"You asked me if I was telling the truth….if I told them the truth and I…..I said…I said…"

"What is it Hanna?"

"I can't tell you…because….because you'll be so disappointed in me" Hanna cried.

"No Hanna" Aria comforted, "No we won't, we're your friends we would never be disappointed in you" Hanna chewed her bottom lip.

"I said….that it was a good thing we didn't know who killed Charlotte because…because….I'd tell if I did. To make it stop…I just wanted it to stop. Even if it had been you….or….or you Aria or….or….or Caleb" Hanna let out a sob, "I'd have told to make it stop" Spencer moved to the other side of Hanna and joined Aria hugging her. The both of them trying to offer as much comfort as they could.

"It's okay Han, you got out"

"But I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't…what he…..what he would have done next"

"You're safe now Han….you're safe" Spencer murmured.

"Yeah because I….because I killed him. Some really scary things happened in that…that…..in the barn and when I saw him I….I knew I should stop…I knew. But I…I…..I could see that cold, dark room, I could see it and I…I kept seeing what he did to me over and over and I….I hesitated. I didn't move my foot….I….I left it. You where wrong Spencer….I did know the difference between the pedals and I….I started to press down…it was only for a moment but I started to press harder…but then I…..I…..I realised I couldn't do it…I couldn't kill him no matter what he did to me or to Ali….I couldn't do it….I couldn't be that person….I didn't want to be that person…I didn't want another secret to hide I didn't want to make another mess….so I braked, but because I hesitated it was too late and I….I…the car…it wouldn't stop…I kept pressing on the brake but the car wouldn't stop and then it…it hit him and his blood was all over me and it feels like it still is, I feel like I'll never be clean again, like I'm tainted and if Caleb found out…if he found out he'd never look at me the same way again…he'd….he'd look at me like I'm a murderer like he doesn't even know me….he wouldn't look at me like I was Hanna anymore" Hanna started to sob harder. "How am I supposed to go back to my apartment….I….I…I don't even want him near me because I feel like….like if he touches me he'll be tainted too". Hanna couldn't stop crying, she wanted to, she didn't want to be this weak, this…broken but she couldn't stop. She kept hearing Caleb saying he loved her and saying all those incredibly sweet things, and seeing the look in his eyes when he gazed at her…but interspersed with that were scenes from the barn from….from killing Rollins. Aria and Spencer where hugging her tightly, not sure what else they could do or say. They where all so caught up that they jumped when the door was shoved open and was stopped short by the chain.