K.C's notes: sorry I've not posted a chapter a day like I said I wood. I'm staying at my sister's apartment in town for two weeks whilst my house has major building work (we're having it extended), so my last two days have been spent settlong in. Now on with the story thought!
Chapter 8: Inner Conflicts
Eventually Blackwall was ported off Leliana, but it took the combined efforts of Josephine, Sera, Iron Bull, Ken and one of the groundskeepers to do it. Cullen had refused to help as he was still enraged and was missing part of his leg (Solas had run off with his shin bone into the Deep Roads). They had given the Grey Warden some special-brew Feralden beer and then Josephine had insisted he went to rehab. He went berserk again at this suggestion and proceeded to kick one of Leliana's crows until it blew up grossly all over the wall. Ken and Iron Bull managed to wrestle the stingy plant off of Blackwall before he could start berzerkly beating Leliana with it. Again. Blackwall then bit Iron Bull nastily on his bicep and gnawed for a while, hoping to draw the dregs of left over liquor out of the Qunari's blood. Iron Bill starved backrests through the wall, landing on a bollard which penetrated his rectal area. His pelvis was already fractured from the intensive therapy with Krem the other day, now it was completely shattered and he feared he would never recover properly again! He decided to wait until Ken came to potty him off the bollard. The row continued above,
"Blackwall you idiot! You're going to rehab in Val Royeaux! I've had quite enough of your retardedness. Krem and Cullen spent all day searching for you in the garbage and you repay them by almost killing Cullen, stealing his leg bone and pudding Iron Bull out of the window?! Something is wrong in your brain!" Josephine was fuming with rage as she screamed at the mess of a man in front of her. Blackwall was undressing in protest as he really did not want to go back to the rehabilitation ward. He had also managed to throw up all over Krem because he was allergic to Qunari blood and now Blackwall's face was beginning to sell horribly. He gargled,
"It wasn't meeeeee...*bleaugh*...Dolad...he's changed horribly...*blegh*...I have part of his ear in my pocket as...*bleee*...proof. He attacked Cullen...*breeeagh*...and I tried to stop him. He...*blegg*...soiled himself and then ran...*bleeeem*...into the Deep Toads. Solas had become a...*blini*... Darkspawn!" Blackwall threw up radially as he spoke. However nobody believed him because he was a bum and so nobody checked his pocket where a putrefying piece of Solas's ear lay. Cullen would have backed up this story if had been present, but he was jellying his leg and was in an unkempt rage...and Krem's ears were full of vomit and so he could not testify for Blackwall's truthfulness.
"Take this ridiculous liar away and put him in the cart. I'll have someone take him to Val Royeaux tomorrow." Said Josephine, but Blackwall made a naked and foolish bid for freedom out of the window, vomiting in 360 degree rotations. Leliana was quick to bring in reinforcements!
"SERA NOW!" Shouted the bard and Sera appeared from where she and been perched in the rafters. She drew her bow and shot Blackwall with thirty tranquility darts, which she used on nobbers occasionally to knock them unconscious whilst she robbed them. He wailed like a wounded buffalo, honked, and then fell naked onto the floor where he vomited again and was finally still. Krem and Sera got paid by Josephine for cleaning up the horrific and unimaginable mess that Blackwall had created, and were told to go and lock his corpse up in the travelling cart until morning. They did this and then they went for a drink together. Blackwall's acidic bowels released themselves in the back of the cart. Tomorrow he would bound for Val Royeaux...and the rehab run by the Chantry sisters. If Josephine had her way, Cullen would be accompanying him as he needed treatment for his anger management problemo too.
Back in the Deep Roads, Solas was covered in aroused darkspawn and was tied to a stake. They vibrated and girated around him in some sort of fleshy orgy conglomeration and he had become tired of screaming and so now only uttered a low pitched peeping noise when able. His upper lip was completely gone. The archdemon was telling Solas to bugger the lot of the darkspawn hoarde...but he was unable to free himself from his bindings to get into a good buggering position. Many darkspawn had already ejaculated and their love-emission was busting Solas's skin (it is acidic). Solas had a brainstorm! What if he could get all of the darkspawn off at the same time so that their mythically bad ejaculations burned through the cotton bindings that held his arms?! He could get free and bugger thence with no fear of anally, bowelly pain because all of the darkspawn would already be satisfied and would be re-softened. Dolad sighed in despair and began rubbing his feet against the penis of the nearest darkspawn. The creature growled in approval and began thrusting at him crazily. At this point Solas's large and jagged formaldehyde toenails sliced into the creature's already half-grated shaft and ripped half of it off by accident. The creature died in agony and fell to the floor next to the Hurlock Alpha, it's penis now detached and hanging from Solas's big toe. The other darkspawn paid no attention to this whatsoever, and Solas continued to attempt to pleasure them sexually with his rancid feet.
Five hours later Solas's epidermis had distorted from the chest downwards and he now looked like a used teabag. His skin had been burned away by darkspawn pleasure-stuff and he was in immense pain. He was also soaked and squidgy with all the dark matter. His bindings had come free two hours ago but Dolad had gotten carried away in his darkspawn privy. He sprang loose and leapt on the nearest darkspawn...which turned out to be deceased, but that did not matter to Solas. The archon demanded buggeration! Much to the surprise of the surrounding flaccid-penised darkspawn, Solas began to rut and mount the dead darkspawn cops and the buggery began! The whole thaig turned into one huge buggerorium. Dolad was buggered as well several times but he was past caring and had no colon anymore anyway. It had remained attached to Sera's bow when the Arch-Demon had buggered him with it earlier that week. Solas reminisced as he pounded the darkspawn corpse with renewed fervour; it had been a busy week. He stopped mid-thrust as his senses started tingling...
... His arch-nemesis, Blackwall, was about to be taken to Val Royeaux where he would be beyond the reach of Dolad and the will of the archdemon! He had to stop this! His penis could not take the excitement anymore and -whilst beginning to run away - Solas coated himself in his own ejaculate and the darkspawn were left confused, soar and leaderless in the dark. Solas was deteriorated not to let the people of Skyhold take Blackwall away from him! He would kill his arch-meninges at all costs!
Worlds away in Enavuris, Dorian had only just managed to crest the nearby hill in his chariot. The dracolisk was eyeing him angrily as it was annoyed that Dorian kept making it practice coitus interruptus. The Tevinter magistrate was getting nervous that the horse-dragon-thing would try to mount him out of revenge if he kept making it pull his chariot instead of mating with the nugalope...like it dearly wanted to. He could see Cole in the distance as he floated across the plains towards the Emerald Greaves. Doris let out a yodelling battlecry as he charged the chariot down the hill and towards Cole. The dracolisk took this moment to take it's revenge and ran as fast as it could, catapulting Dorian out of his chariot-wheelchair when the reigns came to an abrupt end. It ran around in a circle and then came back towards where Dorian lady, sniffing at him angrily and trampling him deliberately.
Cole was watching this show from the sidelines and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Dorian had become feeblas. He quickly used his spirit powers and - quick as lightning - sliced the reigns off of Dorian's wheelchair chariot, causing the nugalope to run off into the beyond. Dorian was now without any transport and was alone and afraid in the vast expanses of South Olé. Without a means of getting to the nearest Inquisition fortress he would be doomed to an organ eating death of starvation and mud. He watched Cole run off into the distance until his form disappeared into the horizon. The dracolisk was still peasant, glaring down at Dorian like it despised the very moment he was born. If he was too have any chance of surviving, and of returning to Skyhold to warn his friend, Dorian would have to tame his arch-nemesis...the dracolisk...and ride it to the nearest friendly fortress. Suledin Jeep was probably the nearest he thought in his befuddled mind. He would get there, rally an army and then MARCH ON FORT REVASAN!
K.C's notes: So Dorian is raising an army to take on Corypheus!? Is he trying to usurp Josephine as leader of the Inquisition? Will there be an epic showdown between Blackwall and Solas? Will Blackwall escape the cat? Find out tomorrow! Please review for me!