K.C's notes: So this chapter is quite scary. It focuses on Dorian getting caught my the elite Venatori who starred in the last chapter. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 13: A Helping Hand
Dorian stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the Venatori appear. He was suddenly overcome with shame when he realised that not only was his current situation a result of his heinous lustful desires to have sex with himself...but he was now standing in the middle of a semen filled fortress with a dracolisk head stuck up his ass whilst his ex-mentor Gereon Alexius looked on in confused and morbid horror. He just stood perfectly still and hoped he could cast an invisibility spell to shield him from the judgemental eyes of the Venatori...but he remembered he was three-quarters dracolisk, and he couldn't do magic. Because he had no hands. The Dracoman was anything but still and was still trying to mount a full scale invasion of Dorian's colon with his head; it squirmed this way and that whilst trying to push it's head further into the Tevinter's bowels. It tried to growl in frustration but realised that it couldn't open it's toothy maw because Dorian's muscles were squeezing too tightly. It then realised that it was suffocating and surrounded in a mat of fecal goop and began to panic.
Trying to pull is head from Dorian's poop chute proved impossible. One of its horns had become seriously lodged in Dorians rectal walls and thus the creature would be stuck in it's current ridiculous position until some great force managed to propel it out. The burlap sack however was no longer a problem for the Dracoman, for it had come loose and was now circulating in Dorian's bloodstream happily. The creature grabbed Dorian by the rear legs and started to push with his hands whilst trying to pull his head backwards and out of the stinky darkness. It was mostly futile but it did cause some oddly sexual noises to emanate from the Tevinter's anus and Dorian to help in pain.
Venatori stood unimpressed by the sight in front of them. Once Crassius Servis had recovered from a fit of raucous and bizarre laughter he spoke, words punctuated by giggling,
"THIS was your apprentice, Alexius?! This half-man, half-crap THING?!" Servis turned to Alexius as he clasped a hand over his chest, thinking he would have a heart attack from the hilarity of it all. Alexius continued to gaze into the distance with his battle-weary thousand yard stare, wishing me was back home in Tevinter. He eventually replied though when Servis accidentally hit him in the arm with his staff,
"Shut the fuck up, Servis! It wasn't always like this. Dorian and I were friends. We worked on the time magic together until we went our separate ways. He was one of Felix's only true friends. It pains me to see such a talented and promising young mage like this..." Alexius did a double take as he looked over his shoulder at Servis, "Wh...what are you doing...?! Stop your fuckery, we have a job to do!" Slapping Servis around the head, Alexius encouraged his compatriot to stop baton-twirling his mage's staff and concentrate on the matter at hand. Servis, caught off guard by the slap, fell down the steps that led from the main gates to the courtyard and broke some of his ribs. Alexius started to gracefully and imposingly descend the stairs,
"Dorian of House Pavus, we have been sent here by our grand and all-powerful master Corypheus. Our mission? To take you by any means necessary to Fort Revasan. The reason? So that Corypheus can brainwash you into his enlightened army and cult, the Venatori. Why you? Because I vouched for your talent as a mage and...because you were such a good friend to Felix before...before..." His voice trailed off slightly as if briefly lost in dark and mouldy memories, but he quickly recovered, "...before the end. I couldn't allow you to be destroyed when Corypheus blows up the world. But we have to take you back to Fort Revasan alone. This crazy fucking thing you've glued your ass to must remain here." As Alexius finished speaking, Dorian opened his mouth to reply, but the Dracoman chose that exact moment to move jerkily inside his anus - trying to free itself - and caused Dorian to bellow like wounded ram instead,
"MRAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!" Dorian hollered, as the Dracoman waved it's arms around in protest at being unable to dislodge it's head from Dorian's rear passage. Servis had picked himself up off of the floor and was casting a healing spell on his nibs when the noise emanating from Dorian caused him to devolve into a giggling wreck once more. This caused his spell to go haywire and - as well as healing his ribs - caused two more ribs to grow out of Servis' collar bone. Alexius shook his head in despair,
"Quit this tomfoolery! Servis, help me corner him so we can extract that man from his butt. Dorian, stop being an idiot and cooperate!" The two Venatori started to close in on Dorian with their staffs pointed at him menacingly. Dorian decided that speaking was pointless as he'd only end up shrieking as the Dracoman attempted to move inside him, so he began galloping away - dragging the enraged Dracoman behind him again. Alexius and Servis began chasing the horse-dragon-man-centipede-thing, wading through piles of the semen left over from Dorian and the Dracoman's recent love-making. Servis started laughing at Alexius, falling over as he did so,
"At least my robes are white, Gereon. The stains will never come out of your wonderfully laundered crimson clothes! Oof!" Alexius' foot collided heavily with Servis' chest, breaking one of his newly formed collar bone ribs in the process.
"I told you not to make me lose my shit, Crassius! Things have been hard for me since Felix died and I've really got no problem with going off the fucking rails anymore." He kept booting Servis for a while and then resumed chasing Dorian. Servis got up, fixed his face, and aided Alexius in coralling Dorian into a corner.
"You're both making a huge mistake!" Yelled Dorian as the Dracoman started flailing his arms around once more, "By serving Corypheus you're condemning yourselves to a lifetime of slavery and corruption." He thought for a moment, weighing up his current situation, "But if you two will help me remove this creature from my anal walls then I'll gladly go with you and I'll even debate joining the Venatori!" Dorian stopped struggling and allowed the two agents of Corypheus to come up behind him. Servis grabbed the Dracoman's neck whilst Alexius grabbed both of its legs. Dorian braced himself for the unavoidable and unthinkable pain that would occur as his colon was amputated - speared as it was on the Dracoman's horn. Servis called time,
"After three. One...Two..." There was a suffocated whine of pain as Servis tugged on the creature's neck prematurely. Alexius retorted,
"You absolute Muppet! Were you never taught how to count?! You pull on the count OF three, not before!" It was at this particular moment that the burlap sack in Dorian's circulatory system reached his heart and he unexpectedly began to go into cardiac arrest. His front legs buckled beneath him and he fell into unconsciousness. He remained held aloft solely by the superhuman strength of the Dracoman. The creature thrashed and growled inside Dorian's rectum as a response to this increased pressure on its puny human knees. Alexius swore evilly again and have a massive pull on the Dracoman's legs, dislocating one of its hips as he did so. Servis pulled the creature's neck and - inside of Dorian's ass - the thing started to choke on its own saliva and faeces. It bucked is head back and forth rapidly, as if he was making love to Dorian with it...but this was just one last ditch attempt to free itself before it died horribly.
"One last pull and it should come free!" Giggled Servis, who sounded more and more like he was high on too much deathroot or something. He braced himself to pull the Dracoman's neck again. Alexius counted down,
"Okay. One...Two...And..." Servis pulled prematurely again, bumping into Alexius and knocking him to the ground. However, Alexius kept hold of the Dracoman's legs in a vain attempt to steady himself and thus accidentally pulled with all of his weight as he fell. The creature's hideously weird head popped loose with a stomach-churning 'plopppp' noise. Dorian-centaur's butt hole had been stretched to such an insane size...and the unexpected shock of having the Dracoman suddenly dislodged meant that the poor unconscious Tevinter could no longer hold onto his bowels. The unthinkable happened. A river of molten hot diarrhoeal sludge shot out of Dorian's colon and bathed an unsuspecting Crassius Servis from head to toe in deep brown horrors. The Venatori had no time to react, let alone take evasive action, and so was blasted to the floor by the force of the bowelly hosepipe. His face was frozen into a visage of pure, unadulterated terror. Alexius had managed to spring to his feet when he saw the poop hosepipe unleash itself and was currently standing on a nearby barrel laughing like an evil genius and pointing at his bowel-covered ally,
"Hahaha! Let's see THOSE stains come out if your fucking pearly white robes, you bumbling craphead! And you are quite literally a CRAPHEAD, Servis! You deserved that." The Dracoman took a moment to readjust to the bright world outside of Dorian's colon and then turned it's attention towards Servis who was still coated in poo and lying in the floor, but who was now bawling his eyes out like a baby. He had also defecated on himself in shock. Theacoman began to vibrate oddly as though he too was laughing at the miserable sight in front of him; he then began to stalk towards Servis - who was startled by the ugliness of the thing's head - and started chasing the younger Venatori around Suledin Keep. Servis made a squelching noise as he ran.
Alexius was in the process of ignoring the pleas of his countryman and had begun casting a levitation spell on Dorian's corpse...when suddenly he felt the ground beneath him shudder. He stopped what he was doing and listened, but he couldn't hear over Servis' screeching.
"Shut the fuck up, Servis you hole full of dicks! Something odd is happening!" Alexius readied his time magic in case it would come in useful when suddenly the floor cracked open into a huge earthquake chasm; Dorian would surely have fallen in and died if it wasn't for Alexius' levitation spell! Something in the chasm was screaming. It was an even louder and shriller noise than Servis was making. An unnatural, blighted and unholy noise...
...Darkspawn Dolad leapt from the chasm with his wings extended! His broken ear wept dark green pus and he was now wearing an eye patch as well, for unknown reasons! He would seek revenge and buggery on Dorian and the Dracoman...but Alexius and Servis were hopelessly caught in middle! Alexius didn't know what was going on and quite frankly he didn't even care. All he knew was that he wasn't going to let this naked corrupted elf-thing bugger him!
Alexius readied himself for battle!
K.C's notes: I've been really ill with food poisoning so that's why this chapter is so late! Sorry guys! It's also what provided inspiration for some of the scenes actually. In the next chapter the archdemon is back and attacking Skyhold, and Alexius faces off against Darkspawn Solas! Can he even hope to win?!