Callie awkwardly made her way over to the fridge and opened it. She reached for a water bottle and closed the fridge again, twisting the cap open in the process and leaning against the refrigerator door thereafter. She had an idea of what she wanted to say but everything Mariana just said was making her second guess herself. How could she possibly make things right with Lena after what she'd put her through?
Lena attempted to appear as unbiased as possible, wanting to cast aside all of her own hurt feelings that seemed almost irrelevant at this moment. "Why don't you have a seat?" Lena suggested.
Callie thought about her suggestion as more of a question. Why? The teen thought to herself. Because I need to prepare what I want to say to you first. That's why, she answered her own question in her mind. But instead of saying that out loud, she obliged and sat down on the seat directly across from the woman, taking a sip of her water to keep her hands busy so that Lena couldn't see them trembling.
Lena studied Callie's body language. She noticed her refusal to make eye contact and the way she fidgeted with the water bottle in her hands. The woman couldn't help but feel guilty for basically putting both of them in this position. Of course, Callie would feel uncomfortable after what Lena had said.
"Look," Callie broke the silence just as Lena was about to open her mouth. She knew she had to do it sometime or another so it was best to get it over with than deal with worrying every second that went by. "I'm really sorry…about everything," she started off slowly. "About what I put you through and what I put the family through. And if I could do everything all over again, I would change everything… I wasn't thinking about the consequences and I didn't realize how selfish I was when I left or when I refused to read your letters or refused to talk to you and Stef when you came to see me. I just thought…" Callie paused, not really wanting to go on. Because if she did and Lena didn't answer or agreed with what she thought, it would make her want to leave. And Callie was trying so hard to stay... for Stef, for her siblings and for herself.
"You just thought?" Lena questioned as she waited for Callie to continue. She wanted to push her into telling how she really felt about all of this. Lena wanted answers but she also wanted the girl to be completely honest with her and feel comfortable enough to do so. It was the only way they were going to be able to make things better.
"I just thought you… you and Stef didn't w-want me anymore," she stuttered. "I didn't want to see you or read your letters because I didn't think I could take it. I didn't want to have the words glued to mind. I thought it'd be easier to pretend they didn't matter to me, that you didn't matter," Callie wiped away her tears before they could fall down her cheek. "Its sounds so stupid now that I say it out loud."
"Trust me, it doesn't," Lena admitted as she reached for Callie's hand and held it into her own. "You were just trying to protect yourself from getting hurt."
Callie couldn't help but feel confused about Lena's behavior toward her. It was as if she had done a complete 180 on her. Why had everything suddenly changed? It was just yesterday that she and Stef had to leave the house because Stef had brought Callie with her.
"You don't have to feel sorry for me," Callie was quick to say as she brought her hand back to her side.
"Honey," Lena attempted to prove otherwise. "I don't."
"Then why are you being so nice to me? Mariana and Stef told me about how awful I made you feel when I left. I know you don't want me here. And you're right to feel that way. I screwed up everything."
"I don't feel that way," Lena retorted. "I did," the woman confessed she stared Callie in the eyes, wanting nothing more than to comfort her. "And I can honestly say that I'm ashamed of that... I love you, Callie. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I didn't. I love you. I don't want you to ever think otherwise. And I apologize if I ever made you feel that way. This was hard on me too."
"I know," Callie said.
"No, you don't," Lena disagreed. "And I hope you never will... When I brought you home with us almost two years ago, it felt like I was doing the right thing. I hoped that you would stay safe when you were with us, even if it was for a little while... I didn't expect..." Lena paused. "To end up caring for you and Jude as much as I did. It happened so fast and then before I knew it you were gone. Was that it? Was it because all of this was happening so fast that you felt like you couldn't come to us about this kiss with Brandon?" Lena hadn't wanted to go there tonight after learning about what she had about Tommy, but her mind kept running over it. Callie would've never been in that mess if she just stayed a Girls United or better yet, never run away in the first place.
"No, that's not it," Callie voiced shamefully. "I just couldn't tell you. It had nothing to do with you or Stef."
"Really? Because I'm the one that brought you home with me, Callie. I started all of this and I honestly thought you felt safe enough to come to me with anything. It felt like we had a connection. I thought I understood you."
"I did feel safe. I've never felt more safe anywhere else since my mom died," Callie voiced sternly.
"Then why didn't you come to us?" Lena asked.
"Because it wasn't about just me... I couldn't let my own feelings get in the way with Jude's safety. I already made that mistake once when I wrecked my foster father's car. I promised him I wouldn't do it again. He deserves a good home and I thought I was doing the right thing. The right thing for everyone."
"And you think you don't deserve a good home?" Lena questioned her next.
Callie shook her head slightly. I don't matter, she wanted to respond but decided not to.
Then teen knew that if it ever came down to the two of them, Jude was always the priority.
"Callie, I understand why you didn't come to me. I understand why you would put your brother's needs first. It's one of the things I've always admired about you. It is. But I don't understand why you wouldn't trust us when we had you sent to Girls United. I don't understand why you shut us out and refused to read our letters. We came to your hearing Callie. Didn't that give you some idea that we still cared about you."
Callie thought back to those times she received a letter from her parole officer and chucked it out of the window while he was driving. She thought back to when she received even more letters and ripped them to shreds without ever thinking twice. She wanted to wipe them from her memory completely.
"I just need to know what you were thinking. Did you really think that we didn't want you?"
"That's what I needed to think," Callie finally answered.
Lena furrowed her eyebrows and stared blankly at her daughter. "I'm sorry but I don't understand... You needed to think that we didn't want you?" She repeated for clarification.
"Yes," Callie answered sternly. "I needed to believe that you were mad at me because it made my anger towards you and Stef justifiable. I was so mad at you two for what you said in that courtroom. You said all of these nice things about me... that I brought so much love into your home and then you said you didn't want me to come live with you anymore… I needed to feel like it was my decision to leave because you and Stef hated me. I had to hold onto that because I didn't think … I didn't think I could handle getting hurt again."
"We said we weren't prepared to bring you home yet. We had every intention to bring you home, Callie. We just weren't ready to. We were afraid that something else would happen which would cause you to run away again. We needed you to learn how to control that impulsivity and that there were consequences for your actions. We also wanted it to be your decision to come home. It wasn't up to us to force you to be a part of this family." Lena sighed, "And that was what you were supposed to work on in Girls United."
"But I didn't stay long enough," the girl thought to herself as she recalled running away from there with Amanda soon after arriving.
"No, you didn't," Lena agreed as she put her hand on top of Callie's hand and squeezed gently. "But you did come back. That counts for something. Still, you have to learn to trust us. I can't promise you that you'll never get hurt again, Callie. I can't promise you that nothing bad will ever happen. But I can promise you one thing… Stef and I will never intentionally hurt you," Lena finished as her eyes became teary.
"So you're not still upset?" Callie asked cautiously, not entirely sure if she wanted to know the answer.
Lena let out a deep breath. "No. I think I just needed to understand what was going through your mind before I could fully let go, myself. How could I be upset with you for something that I am guilty of as well? We both tried to flip a switch and turn off our feelings and look where that got us? Don't ever doubt how much I love you, Callie. No matter what I may say."
Callie nodded.
"I am sorry, Lena."
"I am too. I have so many regrets about the decisions we made back then, but going over them again now with you won't change anything. I think there are bigger things on our plates now anyway."
"So… we're okay?" Callie asked.
Lena stood up and walked to stand behind Callie, wrapping her arms around her. "We're better than okay," she answered before kissing her forehead.