The very first thing I think when I enter my house is that I need to shower. My fingernails are filled with dirt, my body is sweaty from the exertion of the trip to the woods. I go up to my bathroom and peek out the window. Peeta is cleaning up in the yard. He piles the tools in the wheelbarrow and pushes everything back to his house. I wonder if he's even been inside yet. He must have, I don't see bags. Of course, I didn't come with anything more than my pajamas, so who am I to judge? I watch as he hammers the dirt from his boots and heads into his house.
I had been thinking of a shower, but instead I run a bath. The is the first bath since the incident with the morphling, but I don't feel afraid. I may be alone in this house, but I'm not alone. I have my boys - Haymitch on one side of my yard and Peeta on the other. I add some of the smelly liquids Effie has sent me, and bubbles burst with scents of lavender and lemongrass. I slip my body into the warm water and can't help when a sigh escapes from my mouth. My muscles instantly relax, and I feel calm for the first time in months. I use a sponge to scrub my fingers and toes. I take a few drops of the lavender oil and work it through my hair. With a little patience, I'm able to work out the knots, and the I slowly lower my head into the water again. I feel my hair billow around me. I feel light.
After I'm sufficiently pruned, I towel off and empty the tub. I dig some clean clothes from the bottom of my dresser. They don't fit great, but they don't smell either. I walk into the kitchen and boil some water for tea. While I wait, I stare at the drawer holding Peeta's letters. I don't know why I didn't read them. I lied to myself and said it was to help him move on from me, but I think I didn't have the strength to read them. Now, with Peeta yards away from me, curiosity wins over and I open the drawer.
I bound all the letters in a piece of twine and tied it in a fancy knot Finnick taught me. I pull the loose string and the knot elegantly unfurls. I guess I'll start at the beginning, and I reach to the bottom of the pile. The kettle screams it's ready, and I make myself some mint tea before settling on the couch with the letters.
Dear Katniss,
I'm not sure this letter will even get delivered to you. I'm told you are being held in our old suite while your trial is happening. I just wanted to say I know. I know why you voted the way you did now. I'm sorry I didn't figure it out then.
Please don't be mad that I threw your nightlock pill. I know that was your out, but I'm not ready to be without you.
Anyways, hoping you are well and you aren't stir crazy. I know I am. I just want to go home. I want to smell the soot in Twelve. I want to be in a familiar bed, surrounded with things I know. It makes it easier to remember who I am when I'm with things I know.
Well, I guess that's it for now.
I miss you.
Peeta
Dear Katniss,
Dr. Aurelius has been helping me a lot with sorting things out. I think Prim is ultimately the one who saved me though. Her idea of showing me real memories while using a calming agent has made a big difference. She was smart beyond her years. I think she would have made an incredible doctor someday.
Prim used to come see me every day in Thirteen. I'm struggling without her here, which I know is selfish of me to say to you, but she was kind of like my little sister too. She used to sneak Buttercup into my room to cheer me up, and once she stole an apple from the cafeteria for me. I remember scolding her, "Primrose Everdeen!" and this mischievous smile creeped across her face. It was the most like you she's ever looked.
It's really hard here without her. It's really hard without you.
Peeta
Dear Katniss,
I hope my letters are getting to you. I haven't heard back, but I'll keep trying. I know you close off when stuff gets bad. I just hope you aren't closed off. There's so much left here worth fighting for.
Peeta
There are dozens and dozens of letters. I start to feel guilty that I ignored them for so long, but I never would have written back, even if I had read them. I'm not sure how to sort through what I am feeling. I am glad Peeta is home, but at the same time I'm not sure who he is anymore. I'm not sure who I am anymore. We certainly aren't the same kids that were reaped for the Games. I know whatever there was between us, whatever we were kindling in the Quarter Quell, is gone. He can't love me anymore. And I don't deserve that love anyway. Even if I didn't return the feelings, or know how to, always having Peeta there was something I could rely on. But now... he deserves much better than the shell of what I once was. I've always been cold and off-putting. I can't imagine loving a damaged version of that will help him heal. I can't help anybody. I can't even help myself.
Evening has fallen outside, and I turn on a lamp in my living room. I peer back out the window at Peeta's, and I see his light is on. There is a shadow in the kitchen. I'm sure he's baking. Motion to my right catches my eye, and I see Haymitch making his way across my lawn to Peeta's house. He knocks at the door, which Peeta opens. The two embrace in the doorway for a long time. Finally, Peeta opens the door wider and Haymitch goes through. He closes the door. Haymitch must be there late into the night, because I doze off and when I come to he is still there. I'm sure they are catching up, playing chess, arguing. I feel a pang of jealousy, but I know I'm not ready for that. I shut off the lamp in the living room and head to bed.
The next morning Haymitch and Sae are in my kitchen. I assess Haymitch, who looks, if possible, even more groggy than usual.
"I didn't expect to see you here so early," I comment, pouring myself some coffee.
"Why's that?" he asks.
"Just seemed like you had a late night, that's all." Sae eyes the both of us, easily picking up there is more to this conversation than meets the eye.
"Yeah, I went to see the kid. What's the big deal?"
"No big deal," I say as casually as I can manage. Keeping up my feigned disinterest, I sip my coffee. "Since you brought it up, how is he?"
He smirks at me. I'm still not used to a sober Haymitch, but if anything he's even more quick-witted than the drunken version of himself. "Why don't you ask him yourself?" he retorts.
"I'll be too busy today," I play it cool. Sae and Haymitch both give me the hairy eyeball. "I'm hunting," I explain. "Any requests?"
"Well, if I knew all it took to get you out of the house was to put you in close proximity to the boy, I would have pushed for him to come back long ago. You do have a way with avoiding your problems."
A bit peeved, I scowl back, "Peeta is not my problem. And I'm not yours."
I storm out of the room, and I hear Haymitch call behind me, "That's not what Paylor says!"
I slam my bedroom door. Haymitch hangs around downstairs, finishing his breakfast and the pot of coffee. I think he's found a new addiction, but since it doesn't result in his vomiting and blacking out, I don't pester him about it. I stay up in my room much too long, and I realize Haymitch is probably reveling in the rightness of his assertion about me. I do avoid my problems. I'm avoiding him right now. I throw on my hunting jacket and storm out of the house, but not before turning around and giving him my winningest smile.
I stomp to the woods. I still tire easily, but I push myself a little farther. If I do this every day I'll be to the lake by summer. I stop and realize that's the first time I've thought about the future in a while. I dig my old bow and arrow out of a felled tree trunk. I'm a rusty shot, but eventually I get a squirrel right through the eye. I load up my game bag and head back. I leave the squirrel on Peeta's doorstep, knock, and walk back to my house. I see him open the door, look around, and then see the squirrel. I catch his eye and smile before I slip back into my house. I skin my game, make some dinner, and fall asleep in my bed reading Peeta's letters. When the morning sun breaks through my bedroom window, I realize I've slept the whole night.
Sae is downstairs cooking breakfast, and Haymitch keeps his usual perch on one of my stools, nursing a cup of coffee. He taps his foot impatiently.
"I need you to come with me down to the train station today," Haymitch says.
"Oh?" I reply through a mouthful of eggs.
"The kid is gonna be there. Is that an issue?"
My heart thuds a little harder in my chest. "No," I say, "that's not an issue. It will only be for a few minutes, right?"
"Yeah, we are just meeting someone at the train. Peeta was sent home, but he's supposed to have a guardian too."
"Why? He didn't execute anyone." It shocks me how carelessly I refer to murdering Coin. I regret a lot of what I've done over the last few years, but I still have no doubt killing her saved countless lives. I'm not apologizing for it.
"Because of Mitchell."
"Oh." I say barely audibly.
"They are sending someone from the Capitol in today. I tried to insist that I could keep an eye on both of you, but apparently you're a handful. I think it would be a good idea if you were at the station with me. Make it look like I have some control over you." Haymitch uses pretend quote fingers on the word control, and he earns half a smile from me.
"I understand." I'm acquiescing a little easier than normal, but I don't have enough energy to fight every battle anymore. "What time does the train come in?"
"About an hour."
"Okay."
45 minutes later, Peeta, Haymitch and I meet at the gate of Victor's Village. We walk down the road together, Haymitch with a kid on each side. We get to the station a little early and take a seat on one of the benches. Apparently Peeta's new guardian will occupy one of the vacant houses in Victor's Village. We speculate on how they will take to District 12, and Haymitch suggests we prank by insisting disgusting dishes like goat tongue are "customary" in District 12. Peeta feels awful, but he laughs anyway.
The train pulls in, and we each hold our breath. I press down my shirt and try to look presentable. If they think Haymitch isn't doing well with me, I might end up with a Capitol guardian too. Once again, I'm putting on a show. I plaster a fake smile to my face and prepare to use all the guile Effie once tried so desperately to instill in me. A gloved hand reaches out from the train and grips that of the attendant. As he helps her down, my smile transforms into a genuine shriek of glee as the woman herself steps out of the train. Peeta's guardian is Effie Trinket.