I wasted so much time. I spent so many nights fighting my demons alone. Leaving Peeta alone. Keeping him at a distance.
I'm sitting on the edge of my bathtub as Johanna washes the blood off my face with a cloth. She reset her nose herself, because she's Johanna, but now she's turned her attention to me. She's never been particularly maternal, and comforting words escape her. Instead she just cleans my face. She grabs a blade and trims my broken nails. She runs a shower, and we both step inside. There's an intimacy in our friendship that I've only known with my sister. I know she is still petrified of water after her time in the Capitol, but she washes my hair and runs my head under the faucet until all the soap has swirled down the drain. There's no talking. There's nothing to say.
Johanna dries herself off and helps me out of the shower. She runs a towel over my body and through my hair. She brushes my hair out and weaves it in a braid down my back. She digs through my drawers, finds an old t-shirt, and pulls it over my head. I'm not here. I see her. I feel her. But I'm not here. Johanna leads me to my bed and pulls a sheet over me. It's too hot and sticky for a blanket, but she lays on top of the sheet next to me. Her cropped hair dampens my pillow. I don't care. I don't care about any of it. She reaches out and takes my hand.
"I got you, stupid," she whispers.
The next morning, Haymitch and Gale are already in my kitchen when we come down. Gale is working on installing my phone back on my wall. He tells me that he hasn't heard anything from my mother yet. He's the only one with a house that has a phone. I take our group in. My face is swollen and my lip split. Johanna's nose is bruised so badly it reaches her eyes. Haymitch sips on his coffee with his head down. Gale's arm is in a makeshift sling Johanna finagled from a kitchen towel. Apparently Peeta nearly ripped his shoulder from its socket. Not Peeta. The Mutt.
The hours drag on. I rest my head on the kitchen table. Johanna lays hers on the table, too, and faces me.
"Did you have a sister, Johanna?" I ask. Johanna never talks about her family. I know they were butchered by the Capitol in an attempt to earn her compliance, but if anything it made her rebellious streak swell.
"Yeah, I did," she says quietly. "She was nine. Her name was Poppy." A tear escapes from her eyes, and she just lets it fall to the table.
"You can be my big sister if you want," I say in a hush.
"Okay, Mockingjay." She squeezes my hand.
The phone rings and I'm up out of my chair in an instant. "Hello? Hello?"
"Katniss, dear." It's Effie. I was expecting my mom. I don't have an update to give her. I tell l myself not to rip the phone off the wall again.
"Peeta's alive," she says.
"He is?" I choke out through a sob. I slide down my kitchen wall and drop to the floor.
"He's not out of the woods yet. Your mother hasn't left his side. That poor thing hasn't slept at all," she says. All I hear is he's alive. Effie continues on, "I lied and told the doctors I was still his legal guardian, so they are keeping me up-to-date on everything. I flew to 4 immediately after Haymitch called." I didn't even know Haymitch called her. "Dr. Aurelius will be here in a few hours. The doctors here believe that the tracker jacker venom sent Peeta's system into cardiac arrest. He had so much of it during," she gulps, "his time in the Capitol. He is lucky he didn't drop dead right there!" I sob into the receiver. "Oh Katniss, I'm sorry. They said his ability to tolerate the toxicity of the vemon has been compromised after his hijacking. His system is so debilitated that it's not able to form an adequate response to the toxins, and instead it started shutting down. They've got him on an intravenous drip of a new antidote, and they are re-oxygenating his blood per Dr. Aurelius' instructions. At this point we just have to see if he responds." I'm not able to formulate a reply. I just cling to the receiver. "Your mother says you probably saved his life, Katniss. And I'll be right here with him. Your mother and I won't leave his side."
"Thank you, Effie."
"Of course. I'll call as soon as Dr. Aurelius gets here."
I update everyone through a mess of snot and tears. We make camp in my house. Haymitch takes my mom's room. I'm sure it makes him miss Effie. I think you really have to love someone to get sentimental about the flu. Gale takes the couch and Johanna sleeps with me. The first day is quiet. Johanna locates a jigsaw puzzle in one of the closets and dumps the pieces on the table. Sae drops off a giant vat of stew. Thom brings us a basket of eggs from his chickens. That night, when the phone rings, I'm expecting Effie.
"Hello?" I say.
"Katniss. It's Delly. Delly Cartright?" I don't know that I have the energy for this. "Peeta hasn't called me in a few days," she says. "I hope you don't mind me calling. I'm just getting worried."
"Oh. Yeah." I knew he called her almost every day. I should have thought to reach out to her already. "Listen Delly, Peeta's in the hospital in 4." I explain to her what happened.
"Don't worry, Katniss. I'll be right there," she says.
"Oh no you don't have to…" the receiver clicks. "...Do that." I look out to the room. "Well, we are expecting a visitor."
That night we sip tea and put the puzzle together. It's a serene picture of a forest. Johanna, Gale and I each find solace in its quiet setting. Gale gets a phone call from Paylor about business from 2, which is awkward for everyone. Effie updates us that there is no change. Dr. Aurelius is there now. Peeta is still under. In the morning, Johanna is scrambling eggs when Delly arrives carrying a suitcase larger than her body. It barely fits through my front door.
"Welcome to the saddest party you've ever been to," Johanna says in a deadpan.
Delly drops her bags and rushes across the room to me. I'd expect I'd want to push her away, but when she wraps me in a gigantic hug I just sink into her arms. She cares about her best friend. Everyone here cares about Peeta in a different capacity. Even Gale, whose relationship with Peeta can best be described as rival, will never forget the day Peeta stood between him and Thread's whip.
Delly keeps our spirits from spiraling down. She is habitually effervescent. She brought us books and puzzles. She even stopped at the sweet shop on her way from the train station and acquired loads of candy. The one thing we all want - white liquor - remains prohibited from my house. Haymitch wants to be here for this. I almost laugh watching Delly try to interact with Johanna. Two more different people could not exist in the world. That night, Gale gives Delly the couch and takes the floor. Prim's bed is off-limits.
Our crew remains this way for nearly a week. Effie calls frequently, but the news is never any different. The doctors are starting to whisper about brain damage when they think Effie's is out of earshot, but they don't know her proclivity for gossip. She passes along everything she hears, even when it's not good. I appreciate her candor. She's never been tactful, but at least she's honest. Dr. Aurelius has been making adjustments to the antidotal serum. He's optimistic. I try to be.
Later that night, I sneak downstairs to the kitchen after everyone is asleep. I want to be near Peeta, and I can't. I curl up on the mat in front of the oven. I'm wearing a shirt he left at my house a few months ago, but it still faintly smells of cinnamon. I barely hear him coming, but Gale makes his way into the kitchen and slides next to me on the floor.
"Couldn't sleep?" he asks. I shake my head no. My nightmares have kept the whole house up at different points throughout the week, but tonight I couldn't even get to sleep. He keeps his voice low to avoid waking Delly.
"I never understood how people had the strength to do this part." I don't have to explain. Gale gets it. "When someone was brought to my mother and she couldn't give them any answers… how did they not lose their minds waiting? I'm losing my mind, Gale."
"I know," he says.
I rest my head on his shoulder. He leans his head on mine. We sit that way for a long time. Every day he's here my anger seems to dissipate a little. There are so many more important things in this world than resenting Gale. I think of the weeks Peeta and I spent not talking, not touching. I'm wasting time with Gale not being friends.
"I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone," I whisper.
I hear Gale swallow the knot in his throat.
"I meant to hurt people. I didn't mean to hurt Prim."
He's being honest with me. He's always been honest with me. I think back on what Haymitch said - that I never really knew Gale. I don't think that's true. We have the same roots, we just grew in different directions. I reach my hand into his lap and intertwine my fingers with his.
"I forgive you anyway."
Gale turns his head and presses a kiss into my hair. "Thank you, Catnip,"
"I just didn't expect this. I've spent most of my life thinking I could lose anyone I love at any moment. But with the War over, I guess I just settled into this place where I thought we were all finally safe. And then something stupid like this happens and he's just gone." I muffle my sob with my hands. I rage against the randomness of it all.
Gale wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him. "He's going to pull through this, Katniss. He's been on the brink so many times, and he always makes his way back. Believe me, I find it really annoying, but the man doesn't quit."
I want to believe him, but I don't know anymore.
"Peeta's coming home to you."