Everyone one was still talking about Fred and George's escape when Ginny went down to Breakfast the day after they left. She was feeling tired, but she supposed that was only to be expected after a long night of staying up and talking about Fred and George's escape.
Ginny found a spot at the Gryffindor table and sat down at an empty spot, moving some sausages onto her plate and starting to eat them. Without pausing, her hand moved causally down to the fake wand in her pocket for the fifth time that morning. She didn't actually touch it, but she felt its outline through her pocket. Satisfied, she speared another sausage and bit into it, enjoying the taste until it occurred to her that she might have just been feeling her real wand. Freezing with the fork halfway to her mouth, she reached down and felt her other pocket. With a feeling of relief, she felt the shape of another wand.
She resumed eating, but then paused again, as she started wondering which wand was her real wand. She was pretty sure that her real wand was in her right pocket, but the more that she thought about it, the less sure she felt about it.
After all, if she had grabbed the fake wand first, she would have put it into her right pocket. On the other hand, if she had grabbed her real wand before she had grabbed the fake one, which was likely since that's what she always did, she would have also put it into her right pocket.
"But that's only I was sure I would use it first," Ginny muttered to herself, dismayed. She let out a groan and rested her head against the edge of the table, carefully holding her fork away from her.
"Bad time?" asked a voice next to her ear, and Ginny looked up to see Parvati's dark eyes looking at her questioningly.
"Forgot something, that's all," said Ginny, straightening up and noting with a bit of surprise that Lavender wasn't with her. "What's up?"
"It has to do with what's going to happen in Umbridge's class today," said Parvati, settling herself down in the seat next to Ginny and pulling a stack of toast toward her.
"How'd you know what I was going to do?" asked Ginny in surprise. She noticed that she was still holding her fork with a bit of sausage, and quickly set it down on her plate.
"Wait, what?" said Parvati, turning to look at Ginny, both eyebrows lifting up in surprise.
"You don't know that I'm going to do something?" asked Ginny, cringing a bit at her own blunder.
"Now I know you're going to do something," replied Parvati.
"But you didn't know that I was going to do something until I told you?" said Ginny.
"No," admitted Parvati.
"Oh," said Ginny.
There was a pause while they both digested what had been said.
"So, what are you going to do?" prompted Parvati, leaning forward.
"I was going to switch Umbridge's wand for a fake one, that's all," said Ginny. "I know it's nothing special, but I want to keep her from getting too comfortable here."
"Huh," said Parvati thoughtfully. "Me and Lavender may have done something that might help you with that."
"Really?" said Ginny, a little warily. Though she didn't know either Parvati or Lavender very well, she wouldn't put either of them in the category of people whose plans she would trust.
"We put some of your brothers' Snackboxes into the desks," said Parvati, smiling proudly.
"Which desks?" asked Ginny, picking up her fork again.
"All of them," said Parvati.
"I—wow, that's actually really good thinking," said Ginny, mildly impressed.
"You know, you don't have to sound so surprised," grumbled Parvati.
Lavender came up behind Parvati and sat down on her other side.
"Colin's more than happy to spread the word," she said, reaching over for a bit of toast.
"Thanks for this, it'll really help," said Ginny.
"Help what?" said Lavender.
"It also might help to know that the boards have been enchanted," said Parvati offhandedly.
"Yeah," said Ginny wryly, "That might also help."
"Help you do what?" asked Lavender again.
"I'll tell you on the way down to Herbology," said Parvati. "We're going to be late as it is."
"Damn it," whispered Ginny to herself, checking her own watch as Parvati and Lavender left. She looked sadly at her half-eaten plate before getting up; she was still hungry, though she was getting the feeling that this Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson might be done better on a empty stomach anyway.
The other fourth years were already lined up outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom when Ginny got there. Ginny joined the back of the line, feeling perfectly cheerful, though a little hungry.
Ginny spotted Colin Creevey near the front of the line, talking energetically to a crowd that was surrounding him. Ginny caught his eye, and he grinned at her before looking back to his group, miming out the act of vomiting.
The door flew open and Colin stopped immediately, looking guilty. Someone nudged him and they all started filtering in, casting disgruntled looks at Umbridge as they did so. Umbridge herself was still looking smug, though the departure of Fred and George, and her subsequent inability to remove the swamp on the fifth floor seemed to have taken some of the smugness away.
Ginny sat down in her usual seat, next to Emily Ward, who looked at her glumly. Ginny gave a sympathetic look, before she checked for the Snackboxes in her desk. Sure enough, they were right were Parvati had told her they would be, and Ginny, after checking that Umbridge was busy watching the last few students find desks, snuck a Nosebleed Nougat into her pocket.
"Good morning class," said Umbridge, a wide smile stretching her face as she looked around the room.
"Good morning Professor," came the dull chant back, perfected by the number of times they had done this now.
"Very good," said Umbridge, waving her wand at the board. "Today we will be covering chapter 14 in your book—"
She didn't get any further as the class let out a snort of laughter that quickly died away, as Umbridge glared at them.
"What is it?" said Umbridge sweetly, glowering at the room. "Is there something funny?"
Ginny, grinned and lowered her head as the rest of the class shook their heads and did their best to look blameless
"If there's nothing, would you please get on with the reading," said Umbridge, pouchy eyes flickering over the class before coming to rest on Ginny, as if suspecting that she was up to something. Ginny looked back at her with wide eyes, the very picture of innocence.
"The—the reading on the board?" said Emily carefully.
"Yes Miss Ward," said Umbridge, in a tone that didn't quite conceal her annoyance.
"You want us to do what it says?" asked Colin.
Umbridge drew in a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment with the look of someone who was rapidly running out of patience. When she opened them however, her voice was as sickly sweet as ever.
"That is correct, Mr. Creevey."
"Alright then," said Ginny, standing up and reaching for her wand.
"Miss Weasley, what are you doing?" snapped Umbridge, her composure slipping.
"Doing what it says on the board?" said Ginny, making herself look puzzled.
Umbridge stared at her for a moment, looking confused, before she whirled around to face the board, eyes widening. There on the board, in neat lettering, were the words 'Class is over, please hex your teacher and leave.'
Ginny quickly sat down as Umbridge turned to face her, her wand in her hand and a murderous look on her face.
"I don't know how you did this, Miss Weasley," she started, waving her wand behind her to get rid of the words. The rest of her threat was cut off as the class snorted with laughter again.
Umbridge shut her mouth, a pained look on her face. She turned slowly to face the board once again, where an untidy scrawl was making a comparison between her face and pickled toad.
Umbridge made a sound of deep annoyance, and advanced toward the board, her wand waving in front of her to clear it. Instead, another message, this one postulating about Umbridge ancestry, spelled itself out. Letting out a much louder noise of anger, Umbridge actually started tapping her wand against the board. Each time she did so another message spelled itself across the board, writing itself out and only reluctantly fading when Umbridge had hit it a few times.
Ginny, after checking that Umbridge was completely occupied, leaned over to nudge Emily Ward. Emily looked over and Ginny reached into her own desk and pulled out another Snackbox. Emily brightened and reached over to grab it from Ginny, but Ginny pointed at Emily's desk.
Ginny glanced up at Umbridge (Who was trying to remove an exceptionally foul-mouthed message from the board) then leaned over and whispered "They're in all the desks."
Emily looked as though Christmas had come again early. Her eyes widened, and a huge, slightly psychotic smile broke up on her face. She quickly leaned over to the other side of her desk and stared whispering urgently to Craig Williams, gesturing toward his desk.
"Who did this?" asked Umbridge, turning to face the class, putting down her wand and clutching the desk so hard with her squat fingers that they turned white as she surveyed the class.
"Maybe it'll tell you if you hit it again Professor?" suggest Ginny,
"Detention, Miss Weasley," said Umbridge, without looking at her. "This will not be tolerated at my school. Whoever did this will be punished, and—"
She was cut off as the class let out another snort of laughter. Nostrils flaring, Umbridge swiveled to face the board, which now said 'Peeves was here.'
"Who did that?" snapped Umbridge. No trace of a smile, fake or not, on her face.
"Look Professor, it answered your question," Ginny called out.
"Another detention, Miss Weasley," said Umbridge, toad face twisted in anger as she advanced on Ginny, wand forgotten on the table behind her. "I'll not—"
But she was cut off again, this time as Colin suddenly vomited spectacularly. Umbridge looked revolted, but walked over, though she didn't look sure what to do.
"Mr. Creevey, are you—" she started, only to draw back as Colin vomited again, drowning out the rest of her words with a series of loud retching noises.
The students closest to Colin all leaped back, hands, and the Snackboxes clenched in them, jumping up to their mouths. Ordinarily, this would merely have looked funny, but on this occasion, it was followed by a massive amount of nose bleeding, fainting, and vomiting that seemed to explode from all around Colin.
Using the students in that side of a room as a distraction, Ginny darted forward and stopped in front of Umbridge's desk. Quickly, she nudged Umbride's wand under a pile of papers and reached for the wand in her pocket. Her hand was halfway there when she paused. For the life of her, she could not remember what pocket the fake wand had been in.
She chanced a glance up at Umbridge, but she had frozen momentarily, apparently stunned by the amount of chaos going on around her. Quickly, Ginny looked back down and, picking a pocket at random, yanked a wand out of her pocket. The cloth wrapped around it told her that it was the fake one. Heaving an internal sigh of mingled relief and congratulations, she hastily unwrapped it and placed it about where Umbridge's real wand had been.
Then, just as quickly as she had come, she moved back into her chair. Though the whole thing had taken less than twenty seconds, Ginny looked around to see if she had been noticed.
She hadn't; it wasn't just half the room that had horrible symptoms happening to them anymore. Every single person (except Umbridge) in the room now had some kind of nosebleed, fever, fainting spell, or else were busy vomiting. All in all, even Ginny had to admit that the effect (not to mention the noise and smell) was overwhelming. Umbridge was dancing on the spot, trying to flick off some vomit that had someone had managed to land on her.
Ginny quickly stuffed half of the Nosebleed Nougat into her mouth. Almost instantly, blood started dripping gently out of her nose. Umbridge finally managed to turn toward her, suspicion written all over her face, and Ginny gave her the innocent, 'I-didn't-do-anything-but-I-have-nosebleed' look.
" ENOUGH!" shouted Umbridge, tearing her gaze away from Ginny and yelling in an attempt to be heard while she stormed back to her desk. Ginny's classmates didn't seem to have had enough yet though, and several of them seem to be having a contest of how far they could get their vomit to fly. Colin shouted piteously above the commotion that he had to go to the Hospital Wing, and another of the students staggered up in front of Umbridge and fainted.
"ENOUGH!" bellowed Umbridge, finally reaching her desk. "None of you need to go to the hospital wing."
Umbridge reached down to scoop up her wand; as soon as she touched it, it turned into a bright yellow rubber duck, which let out a loud quack. Ginny's classmates stared at it in surprise for a long moment, and then remembered that they were supposed to be dying and resumed their previous behavior.
Umbridge didn't quite scream, but Ginny judged that it was a close thing. Seething, Umbridge slammed the duck down upon her desk and started rooting around for the real one.
The class didn't like to be ignored, and the anarchy reached new heights. Many of the class were holding their noses and complaining loudly as blood continued to drop from their noses. Several people staggered over to the window and opened it, sweating heavily, though it was still cool in the castle. The people who had taken the fainting fancies, well, they mostly just lay there, but Ginny liked to think that they added just the right touch to the chaos.
Several loud bangs sounded off as Umbridge finally found her real wand, but they could barely be heard over the tumult, so the class disregarded it, and one of the braver people even stumbled over to Umbridge and threw up. Shrieking, Umbridge dropped her wand and leapt back.
She recovered quickly, leaping forward to grab her wand. Naturally, Umbridge managed to grab the fake wand again, which, for the second time, turned into a rubber duck.
"ENOGUH," yelled Umbridge, grabbing her real wand at brandishing it at the duck.
"ARRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG" the duck made a horror-laden shriek as it burst into flames, and Ginny burst into a fit of the giggles at the look on people's faces when that happened.
"SHUT IT," screamed Umbridge, looking quite at the end of her tether. Sensing this, the class quieted down, and even the people who were busy being sick were doing so as quietly as possible. Those out of their seats hurried back, stepping over the piles of sick and fainted people that were in their way as they did so.
"Now, what is the problem?" said Umbridge, before quickly adding as half of the class started to speak, "Mr. Creevey."
Colin looked quite nonplussed as he looked around the room. Ginny noticed that he had somehow 'magically' managed to stop vomiting, though he was now sporting a nosebleed of fantastic proportions.
"Well, Professor," he said, holding his hand beneath his nose as blood dripped into it. "I think that we're all having symptoms of some sort."
Umbridge took a deep, deep breath, and held it for a long moment before letting it go.
"Can anyone else tell me what's caused this problem?" asked Umbridge.
Ginny raised her hand so fast that even Hermione would have been impressed.
"I think that it's caused by Umbridge-itis," Ginny offered, smilingly sweetly at Umbridge.
Umbridge started to brandish her wand at Ginny, but got her hands confused and instead waved the half-melted duck at her. "Miss Weasley, ten points from Gryffindor."
If Umbridge thought that this still mattered to them anymore, Ginny figured that she couldn't have seen the house points recently. There was a pool in the Gryffindor common room to see how soon Gryffindor would have no points. The outside bets were on a week.
"Miss Ward, maybe you can tell me what you're suffering from?" asked Umbridge, nostrils flailing as she took deep breaths.
"She's fainted," said Craig Williams, reaching over to feel Emily's pulse. "I think she's suffering from Umbridge-itis too"
"You were not asked, Mr. Williams," snapped Umbridge, squeezing the burnt duck tightly. It let out a soft squeal, which she ignored.
"I think my Umbridge-itis is getting worse," said Colin thickly, holding his nose. "Please, professor, can I go to the Hospital wing yet?"
"You are fine, Mr. Creevey!" shouted Umbridge, looking extremely frustrated now. "It is not possible for every single one of you to get sick all at once. Now, is someone going to tell me what is really happening here?"
"We all have Umbridge-itis," said someone, voice unrecognizable due to either a nosebleed or vomit, Ginny couldn't tell. Around Ginny, everyone was nodding in agreement.
"ENOUGH!" shrieked Umbridge, hand closes so tightly around the dick that it was now issuing a nonstop series of squeaks. "Is anyone here going to tell me what's really happening?"
"We told you, we have Umbridge-itis," said Ginny. "And I think I need to go to the hospital wing too."
Umbridge glared at her, then slowly at the rest of them room. It had calmed down a little from earlier, and most of the people had returned to their seats, but it was still looked as though someone had let a Skrewt into the classroom, and then everyone had defended themselves by vomiting at it.
"'Umbridge-itis' does not exist," Umbridge said, every word articulated clearly. "Everyone who does have 'Umbridge-itis' is lying, and liars deserve detention."
She glowered at the class, which all stared right back at her, minus the people who had fainted.
"Now that that is clear, does anyone have something else then Umbridge-itis?"
The class was silent, except for the occasional snuffle, rustle of clothing, and sound of someone being sick.
"DETENTION," screamed Umbridge, finally losing it. "IF YOU'RE GOING TO LIE, YOU"RE GOING TO GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU."
'So, does that mean that I can go then?" asked Colin, looking very pale. "Because I feel worse than ever."
"Go," snarled Umbridge, pointing a stubby finger at him. "All of you get out, get out!"
The class needed no further urging, and they all quickly packed up and picked up the fainted people, dragging them out of the room. Ginny helped Craig Williams pick up Emily, and the three of them made their way out like some odd six-legged monster, leaving a very angry Umbridge to clean up the mess.
Once the door was safely shut behind them, Ginny reached into her pocket and crammed the other of the Nosebleed Nougat into her mouth. Her nose stopped bleeding instantly. Around her, her classmates were doing likewise, all looking very much like they had just been in a battle worthy of an epic story.
Ginny reached down into Emily's bag and rooted around until she found the other end of the Fainting Fancy, and stuck it into Emily's mouth. She came awake with a start, suddenly supporting her own weight.
"What happened?" she asked, then. "Did I faint?"
"We got out of class early, and yes," said Ginny.
Emily let out a muttered curse.
"If you excuse me," said Ginny, I need to go find Luna."
"Luna?" asked Emily. "Luna Lovegood? Why"
"She has class with Umbridge next," explained Ginny. "And I want to warn her about the Umbridge-itis."
And leaving Emily looking very confused, Ginny trotted off, grinning wildly.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed it. I know that it took a while for me to put out, but you should probably be well used to it by now.
Thanks for reading, and feel free to leave a review.