I will continue Adam's sick story from the previous chapter I started writing it!, but then this idea just overtook everything so I had to do it.

As usual its full on sad angst serious shit.

this also should have part 2

Adam 16

Sam 21

Dean 25

••••••

When celebrating his 16 birthday Adam Winchester could never predict what a meaningful year he's about to have.

Meaningful is a cute way of defining it.

This year would be the one he will have to lie about forever, he would deny and would never talk about.

Shame and regret and pain, would be added automatically every time he would contemplate the events that will follow him for his entire life. Because Adam may not speak about it, and no one may realize just how much, of effect it had on him, but his brain would not give him the pleasure in forgetting, and therefore, there was not a day, he would not think about what happened. Every day, for the rest of his life.

We all have them, the moments that shape us. Make us who we are.

-••••••

It's funny how perspectives work. If you were to ask Dean and John they would say it was a good day.

Adam would snort at that thought, Dean would even mention the amazing pie he had at that town. That damn pie. That damn town. Dean could not shut up about that damn pie for weeks.

-••••••

He was told to stay in the car, and if he was a smart kid he would stay at that damn car.

But if and if and if and if, he could not think about the if, because that would not change anything. It's just that for the rest of his life he wished it didn't.

It started as a boring case in north Oregon. 2 bodies were found in a lake.

John was even about to leave it, almost certain it was not their kind of a case.

And then he got a call, from a fellow hunter. Apparently there was a vampire nest in town, they thought they were all killed but what they didn't know was that a few hours before the original nest was destroyed, one of them has bit Joe and Leanne Delacruz.

Making them vampires, making them responsible for the bodies found in the lake.

-••••••

John and Dean hunted them. They located their home, their working hours, their nightly routine. They were ready. It was their first time dealing with vampires, so they needed to be ready, prepared.

•••••••-

He can see John and Deans shadows in the dark, moving in the second floor.

But then there was a movement from the front porch. They were them! Joe and Leanne. They were escaping.

We all have them, those moments, we really have no idea, what led us to do them, what we were thinking, as if being led by some sort of hidden force. Our bodies actions but mind is blank. Autopilot, unaware.

••••••-

There's running and hiding and they end up in a shed.

Adam, Joe and Leanne.

He's got an axe, and he knows what should happen next. It's more than what he's ever done. Decapitation. It's a whole another level of gore.

Then the door opens to reveal a small child, not more than 6. He's holding hands with a toddler, a girl. They're both wearing footie pajamas. The girl is holding stuffed animal, clutched to her side.

Leanne gasps then swallows. "Brook. Go."

Tears well up in her eyes.

Adam is stuck. Frozen. Tiny mouths with huge petrified eyes, form frightened expressions on the kids faces. They're looking at him, and then they move their gaze to their parents and then, all of the sudden, breaking their trance, Joe is jumping at him, he hears the kids screams and sees Joe's fangs millimeter from his neck and then, again, the autopilot mode controls him.

It happens so quickly but when he hears the kids screams intensity, and blood splatter, tiny drops on his hands, face, entire body is when he realized what had happened.

There's a split second where he breaks.

And then it dominates him again, years of John's trainings and army survival sense overpower emotions in these critical moments.

It's when a second before the axe falls harshly on Leanne's nape when he hears the heavy short breathing, and then a whisper, it's so small and quite and weak and hopeless. 3 words. "Mommy. Please, no"

It's dark but he can see, the hazel eyes stare, cut through all of the layers of his soul. It's the visible change in the boy's stare that makes his knees weak. One moment it's just a scared look, and then all at once becomes furious and broken, sad, scarred.

Then the kid takes his younger sister and they run away.

When it ends he's about to throw up. He feels the bile rise in his throat, burning.

When the door is open with a kick, he reales a breath he didn't know he was holding when seeing it's Dean.

-••••••

It gets him a "Way to go kid" and an approving look, mixed with pride, from his father. Dean is a pat on the pack and "atta boy".

Adam doesn't want either. Adam wants reassurance and amnesia. He wants to wipe out his brain. He wants to forget it all.

It's the first time he doubts if he can even be a hunter

-•••••••

It haunts him. It's a punch in the gut, to the most painful never fully healed point.

He would spend his time thinking about it.

That look, he wakes up with it and goes to sleep with it and follows him in form of nightmare. It's there every time he closes his eyes, it's there staring at him in the mirror, through window reflections. It's constant and permanent and just always there.

It's eating him from the inside. He tells himself again and again it was the right thing to do, but then the 8 year old kid version of himself who lived that moment, who saw his mother die as well, steps in.

They were vampires, and that's just what they do, they hunt the supernatural creatures, how come he is not strong enough to be able to comprehend Joe and Leanne he killed, are not Joe and Leanne, the parents kids, they were monsters, they were killers. he feels so fucking pathetic and fragile.

At 16, he used to always take pride in his ability to deal with situations, to cope, to handle. He now rolls eyes at how arrogant he was.

This just hits way, way, way too close to home.

That's what it takes to shatter him.

There are two kids in the world, for which, Adam will forever be the cause for all that is wrong.

They would never know their parents were not themselves anymore. They would never know nor care about vampires and supernatural, about the fact that Adam basically saved their lives.

Their parents were killed infront of their eyes. "Murdered" by Adam.

Adam who knows first hand what it feels like to witness death. He ruined their life, just like his life was ruined many years ago.

It physically hurts because its not just the guilt, it's also the fact that it makes him revive his own private experience. Over and over again.

The look is the only thing he sees, so naturally the kid's whisper is the only thing he can hear.

He might talk with someone, and it might even seems like he's interested in whatever the conversation is about, but it's there in repeat, tiny voice, a small whisper, nearly voiceless, begging, "Mommy, please, no".

-••••••

He can't keep like this forever. It seems like he's doing a good job in disguising, because no one is asking him if anything is wrong.

At times he wished they did, because he would answer everything is wrong.

••••••-

It's been a month, and Adam's little play is falling apart.

He's getting slower and slower, quieter.

He gets worried looks from Dean asking him if he's sick, and Dad yelling at him he need to keep his pace up.

It getting harder. To cover up.

He's in school when he writes in today's date and it's all just too much.

Everything hits him in the same time, nausea and chest pressure. His heartbeat racing and he can feel himself starting to hyperventilate. The room is closing in on him, shit shit shit, he needs to get out. Now. Now.

He can feel the eyes, everyone's eyes in the room are peeling him, but even 10,000 eyes won't make him feel what that single set of eyes would make him feel.

He can hear someone talking to him, can feel someone putting hand on his arm.

No no no, he needs to run. So he runs.

He needs fresh air.

When outside his phone ring. Sam. What a perfect timing.

He hangs up. Causing him to receive a text.

-can't talk?

Adam find it somehow funny because he literally can't talk. can't breath. Can't. So with shaky hands he somehow and for some reason writes:

-can't breath

He feels bad. After his own encounter with pneumonia they take respiratory distress situations extra serious.

So he adds up immediately:

-sorry moms birthday today. Bad day

It's not a lie.

-ah shit sorry adam

sorry about what? It's not Sam's fault, he's not the one who killed her. Adam on the other end is the fault for the same misery in other family.

-sam

-yeah?

-it's too much

-what's too much?

He's not sure how he wasn't crying up until now.

He stares at his phone, and then Sam calls. He answers.

"Adam." It's the calling you on your shit kind of 'Adam' like when as a kid he would hide the tv remote as a game and Dean and Sam would 'Adam' him. How he wished now to hide remotes.

At least his breathing has calmed down and he doesn't sound like a fat kid having mild asthma attack anymore.

"Hey." It comes out strained.

"What's too much?"

He huffs out a breath.

"Nothing. It's just you know, mom."

"That's it? Nothing else?" Adam is trying so much not to let his voice break.

"No. It's just not a good day." but everyday is not a good day.

He hears from the other line someone talking with Sam, "Ok well, I really have to go but call me if anything ok?"

There's real concern in his voice. He cares, he worries.

"Sure." And he hangs up.

-••••••

At Adam's 14 birthday Dean had let him drive the Impala for the first time.

He was ecstatic. By 16 he was a good driver, getting his drivers license literally the day after becoming 16.

He loved it, driving, such a shame it was rare occasions for him to actually drive.

So naturally every time a chance for him to sit behind the wheel would pop up he would take it without a doubt.

When his dad asked him to go and get them something to eat, it wasn't different.

••••••-

When starting the engine Adam realized just what a bad idea it was.

He could feel his body tense, and mind floating to all the wrong directions.

He did stop at the diner though. Ordered 3 roast beef sandwiches and fries.

Instead of taking the turn back to the motel, he continued on driving. It was the same ride, over and over again. After an hour his phone starts to buzz.

-••••••

There's honking and lights and his phone is ringing repeatedly, but his mind is clear, peaceful.

He gets lost in the moment, but yet it's so bright. He knows what he wants and what should be, his consciousness is elsewhere, he's happy.

-•••••••

Dean is pacing. He is stressed and where the hell is his brother?

"Dad. He should be here by now."

••••••••-

Before falling to unconsciousness sleep, he is attacked with a rush of emotions.

Selfish. That's Adam's last thought before closing his eyes.

He is not worth of his family's care, he's selfish and weak and not only his family's care, he is just not worth.

His last wish is to never wake up again.

-••••••••

"Am I talking with John Winchester?"

"Who's asking?"

"My name is Nora, I work for the Harmony Hospital, I'm afraid your son Adam was brought in earlier tonight."