This is the continuation of the last chapter.
Hospitalized!hurt!Adam, lost of angst.
Last chapter:
Before falling to unconsciousness sleep, he is attacked with a rush of emotions.
Selfish. That's Adam's last thought before closing his eyes.
He is not worth of his family's care, he's selfish and weak and not only his family's care, he is just not worth.
His last wish is to never wake up again.
••••
"Am I talking with John Winchester?"
"Who's asking?"
"My name is Nora, I work for the Harmony Hospital, I'm afraid your son Adam was brought in earlier tonight."
••••••
Chapter 5
They make it to the hospital in half of the time they should.
Dean insists he'd be the one driving. It calms him, makes him feel like he's doing something.
He wanted to take a shower, eat something and hit the local bar. No, breaking speed limits and nearly, ironically, crashing his own car on the way to the hospital because his brother has gotten himself into only God knows what was not part of his plan for the night.
••••••
He hates hospitals. He hates the over sterilized smell mixed with illness, he hates the bright white fluorescent lights. He hates the stress, gurneys everywhere, beepers and people yelling, ambulance sirens, always a baby crying somewhere in the background. He just hates it all.
They turn to the first nurse they see, "Adam Winchester. He was admitted earlier. Where is he?" It comes out harsher than he meant it to be, but it's not like he thinks about controlling his voice right now.
"Sir please go to the recept...Wait you said Adam Winchester,?"
He nods his head anxiously.
When her expression softens, and she answers "Please follow me" with a sad smile, Dean feels like punching the wall.
Sad smiles are always bad smiles.
•••••
One of the factors that encouraged Adam to the twisted decision he made was the fact he was not driving the Impala. Adam would never do this to Impala.
There's too much of emotional value and meaning and just home in the Impala, and Adam would never do it to their family.
He is so lost in his own little hell, self destructive thoughts, he doesn't see that harming a car would mean absolutely nothing to them in the compare of harming himself.
But it's not even dad's trunk, they actually had to rent a car while the GMC was in the garage.
So with the force of a car that has no meaning what so ever, Adam had allowed himself.
He had let himself go over the top.
•••••••
The doctor suggest they should seat, but the Winchesters pride, disagrees.
The car was found completely smashed, crashed into a tree. Total loss.
The rescue team had to work really hard, Adam was trapped between the cars metal and the tree.
" I won't lie. He is in a very critical stage. Adam suffers multiple injuries; minor neck injury, severe concussion, and multiple, complicated brakes in his left shoulder, clavicle and the humerus.
Our biggest concern though is a severe penetrating abdominal trauma. A big piece of glass from the window door penetrated Adam's abdominal cavity, Adam is now being transferred to an emergency surgery, in which we will determine further damage, and what organs were harmed and to which extant. Unfortunately, as I told you it took quite a long time, and a crucial time until Adam was rescued from the vehicle. Causing intense blood loss."
It felt as if they've hit by every word he said.
John is about to say something
When something about the doctor changes, full of compassion, and is it a hint of, grief?
"It's the hardest thing to hear, but you have to understand just how serious the situation is, it is possible for Adam to not make through the surgery."
Dean and John wished to be seating.
"I know it's a lot to comprehend. Do you have any questions?"
Dean could actually feel himself becoming paler and paler by the moment. John was stunned, frozen.
He cleared his throat, "Is it, just..."
He's having hard time in finding the right words. Probably because there's no right words, it's all so wrong.
One moment your kid is there, and he is ok and healthy and fine. And now, now he has to ask:
"Doctor what are the chance for Adam to survive?"
Again, sad smile. Dean knew. He just knew, sad smiles are always bad signs.
"We are doing everything in order for Adam to make through this. I know it must be extremely hard, and a lot to take in, but I really need to go back and join in Adam's surgery."
They physically feel it, as if being stabbed and shot and hit to their most precious, delicate place.
••••••
Dean doesn't smoke. He is not a smoker, no, he will light up a cigarette once in a while, but he won't agree to own that title.
The doctor left him speechless, almost emotionless, he just felt so much, to a point his body shut everything off. Making him feel empty.
But when his mind regained power back, wave of it all came rushing into him, he was glad for the cigarette pack always kept in his jacket.
He motioned Dad if he wants one too, and it gets him a "fuck yes" kind of look.
So they both step out, in silence.
It's freezing outside so when they blow the smoke out it adds up with the cold steam.
If Dean's mind up until now was Adamadamadmadam it now becomes- Sam. Sam Sam Sam Sam, he should call Sam.
One hand holding his cigarette and one holding his phone,
"Who are you calling?"
Dean waits. Praying inside for Sam to answer.
"Dean" his dad continues
Dean almost hear the voice mail, and then
"Hello?"
"Sam" he looks straight at his father, when saying his son name, his face expression becomes surprised, and guilt all over.
Deans voice reveals so much more than he intended it to be.
He doesn't wait. He can't, all he can hear is the doctors words. So he blurts it out
"Adam was in a car accident. Bad. You need to come"
It sounded before like Sam was walking, or doing something, cleaning, some sort of background noise. It stops.
"What"
Before talking Dean closes his eyes in order to keep tears at bay. "Sammy... he's hurt pretty bad. He was driving alone. You just really need to be here" he doesn't add the- because he may not make through this. Even though is the thought that's being repeatedly coming up in his mind.
Dean wonders how he can look so defeated when having such a fierce inner rage inside, he wants to hit something, someone.
••••••
Sam takes the midnight bus. It's a long drive but he should be there by midday.
He likes Stanford, Stanford is good Stanford is what he always craved.
At times like this though he doubts. There's is no other way to put it, he left his family, and now, for example, when, his little brother is in life danger, and it's only for luck that they are not on the complete other side of the country, he could've already been there. There's a man sleeping on his shoulder, drooling. Everyone in the bus are long asleep, but Sam can't even bring himself to close his eyes.
•••••••
"They can't just leave us here and except that we just wait" pacing. Always pacing.
"Dean! You have to sit. You're driving me crazy like this." And John might be sitting but his leg won't stop bouncing.
They change positions. Dean is the one bouncing his leg, and John is the one pacing.
The doctor finally comes out, surgeons cap still on.
Dean stands up immediately.
John and Dean look at him with eyes of fear. Concern it's for the simpler cases, but fear, fear is preserved for situations like this. For terms like- "life danger" and "survival chances"
Dean curses his brain for the horrible images in his head of funeral, and mourn and his family just utterly and completely falling apart. Sam dropping out, 24/7 drunk John, and Dean... Dean would try to handle it all, while dying inside
He hates on just how fast his brain makes out the worst scenarios.
It seems like forever but then the doctor speaks. "He's stable." And they don't need anymore. Whatever comes next is not important. Adam is ok. He is, he is ok and stable and ok.
And now if his mind would allow he can stop the train wreck of thoughts going on up there.
"We were able to stabilize Adam though it was not easy. There has been a lot of damage to his liver and spleen and major blood vessels, and while we were able to mend his injuries for now, he will have to undergo more surgeries in the future. It's an extremely delicate position to be in, and there are still a lot of risk factors, a lot could go wrong." He is leading them through the ICU, and stops in front of a door. Again, same pity, sad smile. Dean really wish to ban those sad smiles.
The doctor then takes a long breath.
"Now before letting you in I have to warn you first, he had trouble breathing so we had to intubate him. You have to keep in mind he's been through a lot, and he looks like this."
It's such a movies cliche.
Then the door opens and they both can feel their heart skips a beat.
Dean tries, to swallow down the lump in his throat, but none the less he can feel the familiar sting in his eyes.
Dean wished it was movie though, because in the movies they always look so clean, hair always combed and neat, looking peaceful and really just model- like.
It's not the case. Adam's hair is shaved near his right ear, stitches showing. He's got dripping dried blood down his cheek.
Hair sticking in all directions.
Big dark bruise already forming on his left Jawbone. He's wearing a neck brace.
As the doctor told him, he's intubated.
His right shoulder and arm, propped on what Dean could only describe as torture device, pins sticking out through out it all.
There's complete silence and the only sound is the heart monitor Adam's connected to, together with all kind of other machines and the IV line.
He's wearing a gown, and Dean can only try to imagine Adam's stomach where the gown is hiding his main, most critical, still crucial injury.
They spend the night in his room.
Dean is sitting next to his bed, some time along the night, he must have fallen asleep, arms and head on Adam's bed. Dad is sitting on the other side of the bed, he's lightly snoring and mouth open.
They both jump and confused when Dean's phone is ringing.
"Yes" his voice so hoarse.
"Hey. Sorry, you were sleeping?"
Sam sounds tired.
Dean runs hand through his hair before answering, his gaze fixed on Adam.
"Uh, yes, you're getting close?"
"I'll be there by 10. How's Adam?"
A soft sigh, gentle hand tucks hair behind Adam's ear.
How's Adam? He doesn't know how's Adam. He is pale and even though he's asleep Dean can see the ever so tiny twitch in the brow, Adam's trademark for being in pain, Dean can so easily recognize from years of experience tending Sick/Injured Adam.
"He's..." And he has to stop, because he can feel his voice breaking.
"He'll be ok. He will. He will be ok." It's more for his own good Dean says rather than to Sam.
•••••
As he's getting closer Sam realize he's been so caught up with Adam, he forgot about another thing. Another person.
Truth is it's quite secondary to say the least, but it will be the first time in 3 years he'll encounter his Dad.
Upon arrival he calls Dean. Even just the thought of John brings back Sam's childish fears. All at once he's the 12 years old version of himself, fantasizing about normalcy. 14 years old teenager, shaking after his first, real hunt. 17 years old fearing for his father to find the letter acceptance from Stanford.
They meet in the hall.
Something about seeing Sam is the breaking point of Dean. With one brother in life danger, and the other not by his side, up until now, seeing Sam healthy and breathing and not laying practically lifeless on a cold hospital bed, something in his defending walls, falls apart.
They hug, you know those hugs? The important events kind of hugs. Full with emotion, and meaning and power and just finding the so strongly needed comfort in each other arms.
For what seems like forever they stay like this.
When they finish they look at each other eyes, Sam trying to read all Dean wouldn't say in the phone, or just wouldn't say at all.
For the first time since last night, he is not trying to hide.
He hopes, thinks the worst is over, but it remains. The full terror in his eyes, like a deer caught in the headlight, the fear of losing a brother, sure they all had their fair share of hospital visits, but this, the ״might not make it through" never.
"God. Sam, I was thinking about how hungry I am, he was supposed to be back already and I was thinking about my damn food." There's a humorless short laugh.
"Then we come here, and as far as I know he could've been here for I don't know, sprain ankle. And then, then this." Every word comes out in a rush. Slowly fading in the end.
"He's strong. Adam is strong. It will be ok."
The way Sam says it, like he is not fully sure, just makes it all worst.
They walk the hall, and Sam is seeing Dad coming back from the vending machine, he can't help but feel a bit of anxiety.
Sam is the first to break the silence.
"Dad" small nod.
"Sam" even smaller nod back.
They enter the room and Sam gasps.
••••••••
"So this Jessica girl, getting serious huh?"
Sam turns to look at him, pure and honest and so very much in love, ״yeah. Getting serious." He adds a small shy smile, dimples showing for a brief second.
Lighting up the room.
It's when John stands up suddenly "Hey." Motions to Adam's hand, finger slightly twitching. They stop their conversation at once.
Both standing up, all gazes fixed on him, intense and fierce, waiting.
Dean whispers, mainly for himself "come on come on comeoncomeoncomeon"
Slowly, blinking, fluttering heavy eyelids open to slits. Reveling just a tiny bit of his baby blues.
There's confusion at first, which a second later changes to full on panic.
He is choking and his right arm moving forward to grab the tube.
Dean acts quickly, there is not need to put much power, so he gently press Adam's body back to the mattress. Adam's eyes are the perfect mix between terror and tears and Dean tries to gain his focus
"Hey. Adam, ADAM, look at me, hey, it's ok, ok? A nurse will remove the tube ok?"
Dean can't hide the nervousness from his voice.
It seems to work and Adam relax, but the tears are there, and he look straight to Deans. The panic is over, but the realization sets in. It's such a weird thing, to be disappointed to be alive.
He will never say that, but his eyes, his eyes will tell for him.
So he locks eyes with Dean, and there is nothing but pain.
He hangs on until the nurse is finish changing the tube to the nasal cannula, and drifts back to sleep.
•••••••
The second time he wakes up its only John. He had forced Dean to go and eat something, and Sam went with him.
He is by his side in an instant, "Hey,"
It's the gentle, warm, barely used voice.
Adam's not sure when he last heard him use it actually.
"How are you feeling?"
Bad.
"Tired" it's not more then just a whisper and is all he's able to slur out.
John snorts. "Yeah, I bet" but then his voice breaks and he looks at Adam, and cries. It's a few tears, there's no sound, but he's crying.
Adam thinks, it must have been bad. It must have been, if his dad is crying.
Then he leans in, to place a kiss on Adam's forehead.
And all Adam can think, once again:
It must have been really, really bad.
•••••••
If ignoring the circumstances, his entire family by his side it's almost like old times.
Then Sam asks the question he is been dreading, "So, what exactly happened there?"
He's been planning this, practicing what to say, and yet his heartbeat is getting faster.
Isn't it just appropriate that he is connected to an actual heart rate monitor?
"I actually don't remember at all"
He had planned out stories, scenarios, and then he ends up with this?
In a way it's better, it's not a total lie.
•••••••
It takes 3 weeks in the ICU, 3 and half months, hospitalized in total. Restless sleepless nights, never leaving Adam alone.
Hidden tears and openly ones. Frustration and concern, and fear.
Dean is not sure how they are even left with emotions in stock with all they had felt last months.
4 abdominal surgeries, one of which was an emergency surgery, after a nasty, scary, infection. Security almost was called after the doctor told them "it's time to say last goodbyes" and Dean might, just a bit, lost it.
3 surgeries on his left arm and shoulder and shit load of physiotherapy;
It's a long, long road to recovery but he makes it.
Adam's "innocent" car crash, receives honorable place in the Winchester history pages, up along with other meaningful events just like Sam's leaving.
They all say he's a hero, brave and strong.
It hurts him to think its the actual complete opposite, the whole reason he ended up in hospital was because he was, coward and weak.
It doesn't matter though, because he finally, finally understands.
He appreciates, realized just how much they care for him.
He notice the amounts of worry and pain he caused them. He decides to do it for them.
Over time, it becomes something they don't bring up quite often.
Adam would think he wants to tell them. The truth about what happened the night that had led him to the accident night.
Tell them, what had made him cross the line.
He never did.
One day in the hospital, it was when he had the infection. He was pumped up with all kinds of drugs, he was in so much pain, and fever. He started crying, they were all there and he was sobbing "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"
When asked about he was so sorry about he just continued on crying. It was the closest to confessing he was.
He would never forget either, it's just that with time passing, and Adam getting better he could see how the constant fear they were all holding on the possibility of losing him, was fading away.
He would not bring it up, he would not want to bring back that fear with telling them the truth.
That the car accident he was involved in, was, in fact, not accidental at all.