A.N.: Aloe_dragons_G pointed out (in AO3) Oikawa's eye color on the previous chapter and I wanted to be sure everyone would understand where I got the hazel. Directly from allaboutvision: "Some say it looks like hazelnut, while others call it golden or brownish green. One of the reasons it's so hard to describe hazel-colored eyes is that the hue itself seems to change(...)" And if you check Eye Color on Wikipedia, you can see that a eye that has a mixture of brown/gold can be considered "hazel". As Haikyuu is animated with a base color + shadow pallet for the characters' eyes, I took a poetic liberty of defining Oikawa's eye color in the hazel spectrum. I wondered if I should go with amber instead, but I see amber eyes as being more light toned than Oikawa's (like Tsukishima's or Hinata's). Apologies for the ones who pictured green or blue. That was not my intention.

Let's get on with the angst! (Because I have nothing better to write ahahaha). I promise after all this angst, there will be some love (and porn! *O*)!

Chapter 2
'Til somebody loses their mind

26th of October, 2002
Karasuno High 2 - 1 AobaJousai High

Oikawa walked out of the court with his head high and his face dry. He heard the coach's words in silence while sobs coming from the rest of the team surrounded him. He slapped Iwaizumi's back, giving him comfort and support, right before thanking the spectators for all the cheers and screamed love during the final match of his high school career.

He coordinated the team to get ready to leave and, as he dumped into Ushijima Wakatoshi, he even put on his insignificante pride to give the ace of Shiratorizawa some valuable piece of advice. Oikawa was strong and collected, confident when his entire team was falling apart around him and he was picking all the smithereens up, one by one, to make sure everyone would be ok. He gave them words of encouragement when they arrived at AobaJousai High, words of hope, words of enthusiasm. He made them promises of better days, of days when the preliminaries will not stop them, of days when their team will shine at the Nationals.

Iwaizumi knows those are lies, but he doesn't stop Oikawa to make his teammates feel better. Oikawa has the power to make people believe and hope and, in such a dark and lost moment, that isn't a bad thing.

They leave the school together, as they always did, after Oikawa convinced the other 3rd years that their careers are far from over and that a lot of universities are looking for players like them. Hanamaki and Matsukawa tell him they want to play in the same team as him and Iwaizumi, and Oikawa tells them that they still have time to see about the university choices and - who knows! - maybe they all would end up on the same team again.

As they walk home, alone and side by side, Oikawa's mood started to dispel. The night fell slowly around them and Iwaizumi watched as the darkness took over not only the streets and the sky but also Oikawa's soul. He wanted to send the darkness flying away from his friend, but what could he say that Oikawa hadn't said himself? That he could still play in college? Or that his career was far from over? Or even that they could still arrange match practices with other schools? It was all true and even though… it didn't help. None of it helped.

Iwaizumi knew Oikawa had the acceptance letter for Chuo University on his desk for over a month. Oikawa had been talking about Chuo University since the beginning of the year. The private university that had one of the best sports programs in the country and prided in having several Olympic gold medals as part of their alumni. The university that most contributed with young talents for National Teams. The university that had awarded Oikawa with a volleyball scholarship when the scout saw their game against Shiratorizawa at the Inter-High preliminaries.

"Your team lost, but your performance was out of this world." The scout said. "We would be very honoured to have you as part of the Chuo University's volleyball team."

Oikawa's eyes lit up in silent expectation at those words and Iwaizumi didn't need to be told that Oikawa had the next 5 years of his life already decided.

But Chuo University was elite and he knew neither Hanamaki or Matsukawa would even try to apply there. Iwaizumi did, of course he did. His grades were good but not impressive and his dream of going to university with Oikawa was getting farther and farther away. Deep inside his heart, he knew the ugly truth he wasn't brave enough to admit it. The truth that was so overwhelming and painful that it was starting to break through Oikawa's iron defences and leaking its poisonous liquid into the setter's blood.

That had been their very last game together.

"Where are your parents?" Iwaizumi found his voice and asked when they arrived at their street and he saw Oikawa's house completely dark. He heard a delicate sigh before Oikawa smiled delicately.

"They're at my sister's for the night. They will be back tomorrow." And oh god, how much Iwaizumi hated that fake smile and that fabricated calmness. "Don't worry. They left me dinner and I won't go to sleep too late. I'll see you tomorrow, then!"

Oikawa hadn't even turned around to pass through the front gate and Iwaizumi's hand was already closed around Oikawa's arm. The hold was strong and Iwaizumi knew he was shaking, but there was no way in hell he was going to leave Oikawa alone.

"Either you come with me, or I go with you," he said in a low tone. His hand was going to leave bruises on Oikawa's skin, but that was not important at the moment. "I'm not letting you alone tonight."

"You don't need to worry, Iwa-chan," Oikawa waved his free hand and flashed another fake smile. Iwaizumi felt desperate with how easy it was to read through the lies. "I'll be fin-"

"But I won't be fine!" he declared, pulling Oikawa closer so they were face to face and Iwaizumi could see the curtain of tears behind those hazel eyes he knew better than the palm of his hand. "I won't be fine without you. So, decide! Are you coming with me or shall I go with you?"

Oikawa's muscles flexed under his touch and he felt his friend's hand hold his arm back gently before being pulled into the dark and empty house direction. They didn't speak for the minutes that followed as they took off their shoes and left their bags on the couch. They ate in silence and Iwaizumi showered first. He sat on Oikawa's bed, his back against the hall, and turned off the lights, allowing the street lamps to be the only illumination of the room.

He told himself that he was tired, that his eyes hurt, and that was the reason behind the room in dim light. He forced a little annoying voice out of his head, a voice that was telling him that Oikawa cried in the shower and he would have red and swollen eyes when he returned to the room. A voice that reminded Iwaizumi that Oikawa would not look at him, or talk to him out of embarrassment for the tears he held back since the end of the game. They have seen each other cry countless of times before, but… something was off that day.

The bathroom door was opened and closed and, in no time, Oikawa was back into the room. He didn't say anything regarding the lights and he didn't turned them back on either. He sank his body next to Iwaizumi's on the bed and looked at the ceiling. Oikawa was cold, his skin was cold and his body that always felt so warm every time they sat next to each other, was close to stone. Iwaizumi tried to see the expression on Oikawa's face, but it was dark and the setter's wet hair was over his eyes. Suddenly, Iwaizumi felt anxious, almost lost. Oikawa wasn't ok and he didn't know how to help. He didn't know what to do. And that was one of the most scary things he could possibly ever feel: not being able to help Oikawa.

"H-Hey…" he tried and his voice failed him, sounding harsh and outworn. He leant his shoulder against Oikawa's, green eyes never leaving the setter's face. "Are yo-"

"Numb," was all Oikawa said and Iwaizumi felt a lump in his throat. Oikawa was still looking at the ceiling, body sprawled, exhausted. "I feel numb. I thought I would be mad or sad or angry, but… I'm just numb."

"Is that… good?" Iwaizumi questioned, worried. Oikawa sounded so distant and weak.

"No… No, it's not," he breathed and bit his lower lip, tilting his head forward. "I want to feel something, anything! Anything but this numbness, this apathy!" his voice was firmer but no less weak, no less desperate and Iwaizumi was certain his own heart was breaking at each new word coming from his friend's mouth. He felt Oikawa shifting slightly and a hand closing tightly around the collar of the t-shirt Iwaizumi had borrowed for the night. "I need to feel something! Anything at all!"

"Oikawa…" he didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to say, or how could he help. Oikawa was slipping like water through his fingers and Iwaizumi had no clue on how to keep him safe, protected, away from the despair creeping in the air around them. "Oikawa, wha-"

"I don't know. Just do something to take this numbness away!" Oikawa implored, fisting his second hand on Iwaizumi's t-shirt. "Punch me, or kick me. You can break my nose, I don't mind! Just-"

"I'm not going to hit you, are you out of your mind?!"

"YES! YES, I AM!" he yelled and shook Iwaizumi again and again. "I'm out of my goddamn mind! I don't know what's wrong! I can't feel anything! So, punch me! Iwa-chan, please!"

"I'm not punching you…" he muttered and felt a hand letting go of his shirt and a fist connecting with the left side of his jaw. "FUCK- OIKAWA!"

Iwaizumi caught Oikawa's fist when he was diving for a second hit. Immediately, the other hand tried to mimic the first one and Iwaizumi pushed Oikawa to the side to avoid the punch. He tried to reason with his friend, tried to make him stop, to make him calm down, but Oikawa was not listening. He wrestled, pulling both of them into a fight Iwaizumi wanted nothing more but to avoid. They rolled over the bed and fell on the floor, Iwaizumi getting most of the impact with Oikawa falling on top of him. He was punched again before he could lace his legs around Oikawa's waist and spin them around, pinning the taller boy under his weight. But Oikawa wasn't stopping anytime soon. He was able to land another punch and a kick on Iwaizumi's ribs. He wasn't screaming anymore, but his silence was more painful than his words.

Oikawa was suffering. Deeply suffering and Iwaizumi was so lost he had absolutely no idea what to do. He felt his eyes burn and his bruised lip quiver before tears fell down his face. Oikawa kept fighting, kept pushing, kept hurting in order to try to feel and to forget and all Iwaizumi could do was stand there, defend from the blows while desperately trying to make Oikawa stop. But he wouldn't, not even when Iwaizumi was crying and calling his name over and over again.

Oikawa wasn't listening.

And Iwaizumi wasn't thinking anymore.

His hands closed around Oikawa's face, fingers tangling into wet hair, thumbs grasping over heated cheeks. Their noses bumped and their teeth clashed as Iwaizumi swallowed the frustrated grunt coming from Oikawa's throat before their lips locked. His tears fell on Oikawa's face and he felt Oikawa's blunt nails digging deep into his arms before he pulled back to breathe and kissed him again, between salt and despair. Oikawa was still after the third kiss and Iwaizumi dared to look him in the eye.

"I'm not punching you, shittykawa!" he declared in a hoarse and exhausted tone. "I'm not going to hurt you! I'm not doing it!" Oikawa's eyes were wide and poignant and his breathing failed for a moment. Iwaizumi saw his chest spasm and his lips pressing together like he wanted to avoid the flood of emotion that was about to take over him. "It's ok. Breathe. Please breathe, Oika-"

It was Oikawa's hands on his hair and Oikawa's lips on his lips and they were kissing again. Iwaizumi didn't have time to process what was happening before Oikawa's teeth sank on his lower lip and he groaned into his friend's mouth. And the legs that were pushing them apart and kicking him in the fight were suddenly smashing their hips together, grinding their bodies. Iwaizumi tried to pull away, but Oikawa's hold on him was strong and that hot and wet tongue licking his bruised lip was not helping.

"Oik-" lips were on his, Oikawa's tongue in his mouth, hands pulling his hair, and he had no possible escape. Because Oikawa was kissing him, and pulling him, and moaning his name and Iwaizumi didn't have the strength to avoid the crash.

Tears dried as lips swelled and clothes disappeared. It was all young, immature and desperate and they couldn't stop. The air was hot and sticky, the moans were louder and the intensity grew bigger at every new lick or caress. They tasted each other's bodies and marked each other's skin. Bites, scratches, bruises. Strong muscles moving in tandem, making their bodies burn with a need they didn't know they had. Hair was pulled, breaths exchanged, red swollen lips in messy kisses and hard erections leaking without being touched.

Fingers coated with saliva, nails leaving long red lines behind and silent pleas. And then it was hot and tight around his throbbing erection and Oikawa's back was arching and he just couldn't stop. Oikawa's voice was panting his name and Oikawa's hands were on his shoulders and neck and Oikawa's body was against his and it was all too much and too intense and too surreal.

He saw, in pure ecstasy, those hazel eyes roll back before Oikawa breathed out his name as he came, pushing Iwaizumi over the edge as well. The impact of the orgasm was overwhelming and they stayed still, in silence, bathing in the bliss of it before the hard reality came crashing down on them. Iwaizumi swallowed dry as he felt Oikawa starting to shake.

"I'm sorry," he heard, like a whisper. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't- God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Iwaizumi bit his lip and pushed Oikawa against his chest, holding him tight, trying with all his will to protect Oikawa from himself. But little did he know how lost Oikawa already was.

Eventually, Iwaizumi was able to drag Oikawa to the bathroom. They showered slowly in silence and in the dark, hoping that the water would wash the pain away. It didn't. They walked back to the room and laid down on Oikawa's bed, Iwaizumi lacing his arms around his friend, in a dire attempt keep the darkness away. The sun was about to rise when he was finally able to fall asleep and when he woke up, in the next morning, Oikawa was nowhere to be seen.

He found Oikawa at the Sendai gymnasium, hours later. Of course, he would be watching the final match and Iwaizumi felt a wave of relief when he realized Oikawa was back to normal. He was wearing his glasses to hide the soreness that remained on his eyes. But aside from that, nothing else could remind him of the night before. Oikawa was pissed, but he was not falling into the black hole of rumbles and nightmares he had been tiptoeing around. It gave Iwaizumi a false sense of security, a wrong notion that Oikawa was fine.

The weeks that followed felt normal. They kept going to class, they kept going to practice and, aside from some new daily study session (because the graduation exams were getting closer), their routine didn't seem to change. Only Oikawa was staying more and more at the gym. The usual 30 more minutes he always stayed behind became 40, then 60, then 120. And this time, unlike the time before when Iwaizumi was able to drag Oikawa home, the setter's mindset was unchangeable and he was not giving up on those extra hours. Iwaizumi started to push him, trying to convince him - again! - that he was being stupid, but Oikawa wasn't listening.

Their first argument had been at the end of November. They were alone at the gym, already too long past the normal end of practice time, and Iwaizumi tried to drag Oikawa away from the court. It was the first time he actually saw Oikawa truly furious at him. In all honestly, it scared him. Scared him so much he had no reaction to it, so he just stood there and watched as Oikawa screamed at him.

He wanted to hug him. To brush those locks of silky hair away from hazel eyes and wrap his arms around his friend. He wanted to hug him so close and so tight that Oikawa would be protected, safe forever, and he didn't need to worry anymore. He wanted to breathe on Oikawa's neck and tell him that everything would be ok, that their future was not scary, or dark or dangerous. That they would have each other and that alone would be enough.

But he didn't and Oikawa stormed out of the court, into the clubroom, and away from him.

Iwaizumi wanted to punch himself for that.

"I'm not your enemy," he said, minutes later, standing in front of his locker, his back turned to Oikawa. He opened his mouth again but he wasn't sure what to say. I worry about you? You don't have to do this? All that was crossing his mind sounded futile and stupid. All that crossed his mind were things he already said to Oikawa time and time again. He clenched his teeth hard and yanked his practice t-shirt over his head. He hated not being able to do something, to take Oikawa out of that ridiculous I need to be better phase, to reach out and actually make a difference. He hated it so much he was actually starting to feel nauseous. And then, Oikawa's breathing brushed the back of his nape, sending a shiver down his spine.

"I know…" Oikawa whispered as his tongue licked the tanned skin of Iwaizumi's neck. His entire body flared awake under that. Wide eyes, gooseflesh, heartbeat loud and strong, a sledgehammer breaking his rib cage from the inside. He inhaled deeply through his nose and closed his eyes as Oikawa's hands slid gently around his waist, teeth scraping the skin on his nape.

It was a whirl after that. Oikawa's skin was too hot on his, strong hands marking his body, teeth biting his neck and lips stealing the last of his sanity. They ended up against the shelves of the clubroom and then, on the tatami floor. Their lips were swollen and bruised, dark spots around their necks, shoulders, chests. The burns from the tatami straws marking their backs and knees and elbows. They were exhausted, covered in sweat and hurt. So damned hurt.

They walked home in silence and Oikawa followed him into his house. They showered, they ate and they slept in each other's arms. No questions asked, no hesitations, no half-truths. And in the next morning… they were, again, back to normal.

Deep down, in the core of his being, Iwaizumi knew it was far from over, but he hoped. Oh yes, he hoped. Hoped that Oikawa was done being reckless, done trying to surpass himself, done getting hurt - both physically and emotionally - because of that obsession of his. He hoped… and it all came crashing down two weeks later when the same situation repeated itself.

The Winter was long, that year. And with every snowfall, they fell harder and harder into that addictive and painful routine of losing themselves in each other's arms. Iwaizumi knew it wasn't right, he knew they shouldn't be doing that for all the reasons and then some more. He knew Oikawa was using him as an escape when things took the wrong turn and they would end up crashing down, but… It was Oikawa. How could he ever deny anything to Oikawa?

It was around Valentine's Day that Oikawa's knee suddenly gave up. They were in the middle of a game when Oikawa jumped to set a ball and fell hard on the floor, his knee completely strengthless. He jerked his leg a couple of times, laughed the matter off and sat for the rest of the practice. The coach forced him to go to the school infirmary and, from there, he was sent to the hospital. At the hospital, Oikawa was told he needed to stop playing at the rate he was and he needed some physiotherapy. Oikawa promised to follow all the recommendations and lay back a little on his volleyball practice.

Two days later, Iwaizumi found him at the gym, practicing like a maniac.

They fought again and it was nasty. There was blood on their shirts, coming from their noses and lips. There were black eyes and bruised jaws. And as they kiss and fuck into oblivion, there were tears and fears and broken dreams.

March was the worse month.

Their fights became a daily routine, their sex came with the same intensity. Oikawa was acting like an insane, maniac person and Iwaizumi was doing all he could to stop him. Which was almost like he was doing nothing as Oikawa kept pushing all his limits for a dream he was so close to destroying completely. It was like he didn't even believe that his knee could break apart like he believed that if he ignored his problem hard enough, the pain would be gone and he would be fine.

It was so stupid, so childish, so immature.

So painful.

Graduation day arrived. They were all smiles and happiness for the photos. Their parents were proud, their classmates were exploding in enthusiasm and they were dreading and hoping for the future which would start with April, a week from that day.

It had been a cold Winter, so no sakura trees had bloomed yet. They walked shoulder to shoulder through the campus, the final conversation regarding their university choices happening. Matsukawa had been accepted in Sendai University, so he was going to stick around. Hanamaki landed a place in Tohoku University - which had one of the best volleyball programs in the country - but he wasn't sure he would be able to join the team. Oikawa announced that he was going to Tokyo, for the Chuo University. And Iwaizumi told them that he decided that he was going to join the National Police Academy, also in Tokyo.

(What the others didn't need to know was that the National Police Academy, in Fūchū, was less than 45 minutes away from the Tama Campus of the Chuo University. And that if he hadn't been accepted in that one, he would have tried Tokyo GaiDai, which was right next to the Police Academy. Or Tama University. Or any other bloody university that was on the west side of Tokyo, so he could be close to Oikawa.)

Matsukawa and Hanamaki cheered and cried a little. They all hugged and promised to keep chatting and writing and meeting whenever they would be around. They parted ways at the gate of AobaJousai High and, without looking back, each one of them went their own way.

The night was dark and cold, but Oikawa and Iwaizumi escaped to the rooftop of Oikawa's house anyway, wrapped in blankets, looking at the clear skies above them. Serenity was dancing around them, and the mood was light and cozy. Iwaizumi was wondering how many chances would he have to do that with Oikawa in Tokyo? To just sneak to the rooftop and sit there and watch the stars. Innumerous, he hoped, a silly smile drawing slowly on his lips. That moment was perfect. So perfect he wanted to keep it going forever. But life's a bitch, right? And all good things must come to an end.

Oikawa's mouth opened and he spoke of volleyball. Of playing volleyball for the Chuo Team, of doing a special integration camp, of weeks and weeks of exhaustive work. He spoke of how much he was excited about it and how much he was going to do his best. How his unspoken dream and obsession was getting closer at each new step he took.

Iwaizumi watched his friend talking with widened eyes and his mouth agape. He asked about the physiotherapy and about the doctor's orders and Oikawa simply dismissed him. He waved his hand like he always did and smiled that fake everything-is-gonna-be-ok smile and laughed in a high-pitched tone on top of that.

Iwaizumi felt his blood freeze on his veins and his heart ache more and more with each thunderous heartbeat. He was left livid and stunned by Oikawa's words. And this time, this time only, he didn't punch him. Or yelled. Or made a scene because Oikawa - fucking, fucking Oikawa! - was being delusional and stupid. Plain stupid! He didn't know exactly what he was feeling. He was past the furious point, past the angry, the mad, the raging. He was past the desperate and the worry and the sad. He was…

Numb.

"Iwa-chan?" Oikawa asked when he got up and climbed down from the rooftop. "Iwa-chan where- where are you going?"

"Home…" he muttered, walking inside Oikawa's room, to the corridor, and down the stairs. Oikawa followed right behind him, interrogation marks all over his face. Oikawa asked what was wrong, why was he acting like that, why was he leaving without a word. He simply kept silent.

At the street in between their houses, Oikawa grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Yelled at him, demanded to know what was going on, cursed and pushed Iwaizumi against the wall and kissed him. Hard and bruising, like all those times before, bodies pressed, hands pulling hair and despair filling the air around them.

Iwaizumi pushed him away with so much strength Oikawa actually fell on the floor. And then he yelled. He yelled all that was stuck in his chest, all the pain and the sorrow of seeing Oikawa sink that low without being able to help, or to make him stop, or to make his fucking dreams come true. He yelled all the anguish that he was feeling because Oikawa was destroying himself for a dream that would certainly not come true if his knee broke down. He called him a coward and an asshole, he told him that all he wanted was for him to be happy and that he would fight hard against anything or anyone that would get in the way of Oikawa's dreams. But that he couldn't fight against Oikawa himself and that he couldn't keep fighting a battle that was only going to end in sorrow and tears. He was tired, so, so tired. Tired of doing his best for someone else, of giving him his everything, of living and breathing for him. And all Oikawa was doing was pushing him away and destroying himself.

His face was completely wet when his voice broke and he couldn't talk anymore. A couple of neighbours were sneaking at the windows, trying to understand what was going on. He attempted to clean his face and hide his eyes with shaky hands.

"Go d-destroy your body, I-I don't care," he whispered in between sobs, sore throat and heavy heart. "Go join the National Team a-and win fucking Worlds with a wrecked knee! I don't- care!"

He turned away and walked home.

He never saw Oikawa's tears washing his face.

They didn't speak again. Iwaizumi was too hurt. Oikawa was too proud. And when Iwaizumi tried to reach for him, Oikawa wasn't there anymore.

University started.

Twelve years passed.

Funny how one can be so close, yet so far.

To be continued

A.N.: "'Til somebody loses their mind" - Wonderland, 1989 by Taylor Swift

On the Universities' distance - Tokyo Metropolitan Area is *massive*! I studied in Tokyo GaiDai and some of my classmates commuted from Adachi or from the border close to Saitama to the GaiDai campus every day. This is over 2 hours of commuting time each way! So Iwa-chan staying just 45 min away from Oikawa, for Tokyo/Japan standards, they are practically neighbours :)

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