Dithering
Whenever Sendoh came across a seemingly unsolvable question, he retreated to either one of two activities. The first activity he frequently indulged in as it was his passion and sport. Heading to the courts and repeating layup after layup was a good way for him to expend excess energy and clear the fog in his head. Sometimes however, the problem persisted and despite getting a good sweat out of the court, the solution failed to present itself. In these cases, Sendoh resorted to his other activity, fishing. Fishing was an exercise of patience. And while he waited for the fruits of the sea to take interest in his bait, Sendoh often found that the long hours required in this act of patience provided the perfect opportunity for one to re-examine a question from all angles. For the most part, Sendoh found that participation in either one of these two activities was sufficient to provide him with the clarity of mind needed to approach his problems. It was most unfortunate then, that on a day where he was saddled with questions that he wanted answered, he found that his engagement in either activity had brought him no closer to a firm conclusion. Instead he found himself circling round and round, iterating over and over again on a question that had yet no answers.
"You know there's no such thing as train buddies right?" This statement uttered so seriously by Koshino continued to plague Sendoh as he tossed a basketball from one hand to the other. Quickening his step, he began to dribble the ball before bursting into a dead sprint and driving the ball hard through the hoop. It was a very neat power play but Sendoh drew no satisfaction from it as the same insistent question continued to preoccupy his thoughts.
Was their relationship not normal? Could he even call it a relationship? Sendoh bounced the ball back and forth. For the longest time, Sendoh had not questioned his daily interactions with Ayako. It had seemed natural, two people who were acquaintances, growing to enjoy each other's company and becoming friends. Yet it was recently brought to his attention that what he was doing was not normal, and that most people would and should expect more.
Except... should he? "Should" was such an obligatory term. Sendoh didn't know if he was opening Pandora's box. Thus far, he had been very comfortable with the way his friendship with Ayako had progressed. Yet, he understood Koshino's point. Most people didn't confine their interactions and conversations to just train rides. In this day of modern technology, people stayed connected in so many ways and at so many levels. It would have been so easy to reach out after each ride with a tweet like "hastag-trainbud", or send a selfie of himself alone on the train after her stop and get some kind of response. And yet here he was, without her telephone number or email, choosing mainly to count the short moments he spent with her on the train. He had not attempted to contact her outside of those rides and on her part, she had very much acted the same.
Was that strange? Those moments never felt awkward. And yet what was he afraid of losing if he stepped outside of those bounds. Then again, was there even a need to step out of those bounds? It was incessant questions like these that continued to plague him. Every time he thought he had settled on a line of questioning that seemed sensible and right, he would double back and wonder if that was even the correct question to be pursuing. After all, he had never heard of an established protocol for relationships, although at this point he sincerely wished he was aware of one because it would certainly cease this endless round-about chain of questioning and self-doubt.
Sendoh closed his eyes and imagined an opponent in front of him, ready to intercept his shot. He decided that his imaginary opponent for the day was his damn self-doubt personified. In his mind, 'Doubt' was big and hairy, and had a really high-pitched whiny voice that kept mocking him with a constant refrain of "So whatcha gonna do now?". He thought about how immensely satisfying it would be to defeat this opponent and silence that tinny voice once and for all. Opening his eyes, Sendoh sprang into action. He feinted to the left and spun back towards the right before charging like a freight train towards the basket. He slammed the ball through the hoop and landed lightly on his feet while the basket rattled violently from the force of his dunk. As he stood under the basket panting, Sendoh tried to sort his thoughts and differentiate what he wanted from what everyone else expected.
He knew this. He liked comfort. He liked the unassuming. He liked things that moved at an unhurried pace... like when one went fishing. He liked that two people could sit silently and still be at ease with each other.
"But do you like her?" Koshino's voice cut into Sendoh's thoughts. Damn Koshino, and his incisive questions. His friend's inquiries the previous afternoon had unearthed too many things that Sendoh didn't know. With his thoughts continuously swimming around in his head, Sendoh decided to sit down under the basket and close his eyes. One of the techniques he had learnt in basketball was to envision the game and how he would move in it. He wondered if he could apply that to his relationships with friends as well as he shut his eyes tight and tried to visualize a conversation with Ayako. Thankfully, she was a lot more pleasant to think about than big and hairy Doubt.
It was easy to call up what she would look like. She was always wearing her blue school blazer whenever they met at the train station. Her long wavy hair usually hung loose around her shoulders and she always had an olive green book bag that weighed a ton. They were on the train of course. He could see them easily starting a conversation about basketball or talking about things that happened in their individual schools over the course of the day. But since this was in essence most of what their interactions were like, Sendoh decided he had to imagine something different to verify his doubts.
He focused on calling to memory her face. Her eyes were usually twinkling with amusement, sometimes she had a smirk on her face especially when she thought she was winning an argument. He tried to imagine a scenario for why she would be sitting with a smug smile on her face.
"I bet I can guess what you're thinking" Imaginary Ayako said, looking like the cat that just ate the canary.
"I bet you can't." Sendoh imagined replying as he reflected on all the tumultuous thoughts that had led to this mental conversation.
"Oh. I think I do know" He watched in his mind's eye as she edged closer, the mischief never leaving her eyes. "You're wondering what this feels like". Before he could help himself, Ayako closed the distance between them and gave him a soft kiss. Although her lips merely ghosted over his, he felt himself involuntarily catch his breath as his heart hammered against his ribcage and a red hot feeling pooled in his lower torso.
When Sendoh opened his eyes to see the empty basketball court and the ball that he had shot earlier sitting forlorn on the grass, he realized with a gulp how tempting wanting more could be.
Author's note: Last post before travels! Next post will be two weeks later when i get back. Thanks for reading!