A/N: So chapter 18... I can't believe it got this far! And it's mostly thanks to YOU, lovely readers, because you motivated me to keep writing. So I owe you a huge THANK YOU! For every favorite and follow and review...and even for those who just like to read quietly in the shadows... thank you so much for reading! This isn't the last chapter, but the story is slowly coming to an end. Please please pleaseee let me know what you think! Your feedback is priceless to me. Escpecially since I've decided to write more Malec fics... I have 2 new stories in mind, one of them is AU, I'm really excited about them and I hope some of you will read them too. ^.^

I'd also like to make a special shoutout to Holly0114 for motivating me and helping me through the difficult parts of this chapter. You really should check out her Malec story called "Mad World", because her writing is beyong amazing, I love her style and the story!

Enjoy!

Chapter 18 – Love Him More

Alec rushed down the stairs before the door of the Institute closed behind him. It was a chilly evening and a light breeze disturbed the hair that Izzy had so carefully arranged. Alec was secretly grateful for Izzy helping him to get ready for his first date with Magnus. She even got him a new pair of dark jeans and a new blue t-shirt. Alec was really excited this was finally happening. He couldn't wait to spend more time with Magnus. So when he got a text from him saying 'Sorry, darling. Can't do tonight. Very tired.' Alec felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Was Magnus really tired, or was he getting cold feet? Now that he was safe again, and they could really be together was Magnus still interested in him? Maybe the thrill of wanting someone he couldn't have was the only thing that had gained Magnus's interest, and now that the barriers between them were gone Magnus had moved on.

Did Magnus really think he was going to back off now? Alec's need to find out what was going through Magnus's head was bigger than his insecurity, so after a few moments of hesitation he decided to see him despite the uninviting message.

Magnus poured himself another drink after pressing send on the text to Alec. He couldn't face talking to him with the weight of the secret on his shoulders. He still hadn't told anyone about the atrocities he had committed and the people he had killed during his time as Valentine's hostage, and he intended to keep it that way. No one else had to know. He had to live forever knowing what he had done, he couldn't bear people's judgment on top of it.

He had to find a way to distract himself, to stop him from thinking about Alec or his terrible deeds. He attempted to read a book, but to no avail. He caught his mind wandering back to Alec or the people he had murdered almost every other page, and every few minutes he would realise with a start that he had been staring out of the window for a whole 30 seconds, not taking any notice of the book that lay discarded in his lap. With a sigh he snapped it shut loudly and chucked it towards the bookcase, waving his hand and channeling his magic to make it slide neatly in between the surrounding books. However, instead of being put away neatly it fell to the floor with a loud thud. Magnus forgot about his lack of magic at least once an hour, and he cursed loudly at his forgetfulness. He walked across the room and shoved the book back into the bookshelf roughly, not taking notice if it was put away properly.

He walked to the balcony and looked down at the empty street beneath him, watching the occasional car roar past. Maybe he could stay here forever, loathing didn't feel like he deserved anyone's company. Even Ragnor was gone since he had gone home. Magnus assumed it was for the best. He didn't need anyone to share his misery with, especially not Alec. Magnus closed his eyes and let his head tilt back so it was facing the sky, breathing in the night air and he felt how much the pain and the guilt had exhausted him. And the nightmares… He was just replaying the nightmare that had woken him up last night when the doorbell pulled him back to reality.

Magnus turned around and stared at the door with intrigue. He had no idea who this could be. He was just going to ignore it, but after the fourth insistent ring he sighed and put down his drink. He opened the door to face a messy haired Alec, and every feeling of aversion to seeing Alec vanished instantly.

Alec didn't let Magnus's eyes escape his from the second he opened the door. He wanted Magnus to know he really wanted to be there. He admired Magnus's perplexed face for a second, then held up the take out bags he brought with him from the Ethiopian restaurant they were supposed to meet at.

"I brought food," he said and waited. Magnus blinked at him a few times before letting him in, not totally sure that Alec was actually there. Alec walked in, relieved, and let Magnus take his jacket. Without a word, Magnus took the food from him and tipped it onto two plates, which then he took to the living room. It didn't go unnoticed by Magnus that Alec had brought food from the Ethiopian restaurant where they would have gone to their first date. He was touched by the thoughtful gesture.

Alec followed him to a new mahogany wood table with short, square legs accompanied by oversized sage green floor pillows, elegantly embroidered with gold thread. It was a much different look than Magnus usually chose, frequently preferring vibrant colors with more sparkle, but somehow it completely fit the warlock.

Magnus placed the plates on the Japanese styled table and Alec followed his steps and sat on one of the fancy green pillows. He shivered slightly, a breeze drifting through the open window from the chilly night outside. The apartment was colder than he cared to admit, but he saw Magnus raise his eyebrows at him. Magnus raised his hand, his palm splayed, and a little crease appearing between his brows as he concentrated.

After a second, Magnus's face fell and he lowered his hand. Alec realised with a start that he must have been attempting to use magic, and felt a burst of sympathy. He didn't know how it must feel to be deprived of something that was an essential part of one's soul.

"Right." Magnus regained his composure and stood up. "Wait here." He left the room, and Alec could hear him shuffling around outside the living room for a minute. He returned quickly, holding a thick purple blanket in one hand. He draped it awkwardly around Alec's shoulders, and then seated himself next to Alec.

"How's your back?" Alec asked after deciding not to start a 'why did you cancel our date' discussion.

"Better," Magnus murmured unemotionally.

Yep, fantastic date so far, Alec thought bitterly and wondered what he should do to make it better.

Magnus took a deep breath, he looked like he was mentally preparing himself for something.

"Why are you even here?" He asked. "Does my immortality not bother you anymore?"

Alec looked up at him, slightly caught off guard by Magnus's bluntness.

"I'm not gonna lie to you or myself. It does bother me. But I've decided not to worry about it for now," He answered in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.

Magnus studied Alec for a second, then pushed a plate of food toward him. Alec caught hold of it, and they ate in silence. Even though the food was delicious, neither of them could bring themselves to eat much. Magnus was unnaturally quiet, and Alec sneaked glances at him whenever he could, only to see him play with his food. Alec decided it was enough, so he took a deep breath and forced his next words out.

"If you don't want us… dating anymore… you should say so," He said quietly and looked down at his half-full plate.

Magnus's eyes snapped up to meet Alec's in surprise.

"It's not that I don't want to, Alec. It's just…. So much has happened." Magnus hid his emotions pretty well, forcing Alec to look up to read him better.

"I know. But it's over now," Alec said softly.

"It's not over until the Clave finds Valentine."

"Yes, but that's only a matter of time now. He's powerless. Thanks to you," Alec said matter of factly.

Magnus rolled his eyes and stared at something behind Alec as he replied.

"Yes, thanks to me… Many people are dead. I shouldn't have done what I did," He said and the amount of bitterness in his voice shocked Alec so deeply he was unable to speak for a moment. Why was Magnus feeling that bad about destroying Valentine's army? Alec couldn't figure it out.

"What are you talking about?" He said finally, shaking his head. "You stopped him from attacking us. You saved us."

"That is not all that happened." Magnus focused on Alec again. His sadness was passing on to Alec.

"What does that mean?" Alec asks confused.

Magnus didn't know what to do. Every trace of the happiness Alec showing up had brought him had vanished by now. Magnus was miserable. Part of him wanted to tell Alec; perhaps he would feel better if he shared what troubled him. But another part of him was too concerned about Alec's possible reaction to his confession. Magnus dreaded seeing the look of repulsion he felt with every fiber of his being expressed on Alec's perfect face. As he faced a confused Alec all Magnus could think about was losing Alec again. And he knew he couldn't bear that a second time. He had barely survived it the first time and was sure he would not survive it again. His heart felt heavier as he looked into those beautiful hazel eyes, making him let out a sigh.

"You can tell me, Magnus." Alec sat up straight on the pillow looking determined.

Can I really? Will you judge me? Will you still want me after you hear the truth?

Magnus took a deep breath after deciding to risk everything.

"Your sister was right. Creating the portal Valentine wanted was beyond my abilities. I am powerful, just not that powerful. And Valentine knew that. So he… forced me to use dark magic."

Alec stared at him cluelessly.

"That involved…" Magnus couldn't continue. He broke off the eye contact with Alec and got on his feet to walk away from him. He wouldn't be able to continue if he had to look him in the eye. So he faced the wall instead.

"I killed people, Alec. I killed downworlders. I killed Hodge. And I killed one thousand innocent people." Magnus's voice was filled with pain.

Alec was overwhelmed by all this new information. He shifted uncomfortably on the pillow as he processed it all. Magnus killing downworlders? And Hodge? The knowledge hit Alec suddenly and fiercely. He certainly wasn't expecting to hear that. He just couldn't picture him hurting anyone; he was still not over the fact that Magnus had killed Valentine's entire army. But then again… if it wasn't for Alec none of it would have happened. Alec let out a long sigh and forced himself to get over his own guilt loaded reaction.

"They weren't innocent people," He said, wishing Magnus would look at him. "They joined Valentine. They knew the consequences."

Magnus stood there in silence, and Alec felt his concern towards him grow. He stood up and approached Magnus warily. He didn't want to invade his space, but he also wanted to be there for him to provide some level of comfort since it was apparent Magnus was struggling.

"Valentine was just going to use them to kill all of us . You had no choice, Magnus," He said.

"There were children there." Magnus's voice was thick with the sound of unshed tears. "About your brother's age… And even younger. Do you think they wanted any part of that? Do you think they deserved it?"

No, I don't, Alec thought closing his eyes for a second. This wasn't easy on him, but he imagined it must be even worse for Magnus, so he felt the need to help him.

"You did what you had to do to survive. I admire that." Alec stepped closer to Magnus and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "And this is a war, Magnus. There are no easy choices. Trust me, you did the right thing."

"It doesn't feel like it." Magnus finally turned to face Alec with tears in his eyes. "I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see them, screaming. What I did woke something in me I didn't know was there. I'm glad my magic is gone, because… I don't want to hurt anyone else. That's my worst nightmare."

Alec gazed at Magnus in awe. It had never occurred to him that Magnus might fear what he was capable of, that his demon half was a constant source of fear. The vulnerability that Magnus showed affected his soul deeply. Alec was touched by his honesty and the depth of emotion his words revealed. He knew it was rare to find someone who dreaded hurting others more than even hurting themselves. The unselfish way Magnus cared about others was one quality that drew Alec to the warlock in a way no one else ever had. Alec had always found himself drawn to Magnus but this was different, more intense. The way he was willing to sacrifice himself to save others yet feared causing pain filled Alec's chest with warmth. His heart swelled as he watched Magnus's tears fall down his cheeks and wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Magnus and protect him from all the evil of the world. Alec had an overwhelming need to comfort Magnus and explain what his words meant to him, even if he couldn't put into words what he was feeling himself.

"Your worst nightmare is that you hurt people?" He asked incredulously.

Magnus gave him a small nod, somehow sensing the revelations that were currently occurring inside Alec's head and didn't want to disturb them.

After Magnus's confession Alec felt the burn in his chest intensify, filling him with emotions he had never experienced and couldn't understand. The only thing he was sure of was how much Magnus had grown on him. He had become far too precious and Alec didn't care anymore what terrible deeds Magnus had committed; he had done them all for him and Alec and felt himself falling even further for Magnus.

He was so grateful to have him in his life, he pulled him close and kissed him sweetly on the lips. Magnus was too shocked to kiss back at first, but as Alec wrapped his arms around him, his body relaxed and he returned the the kiss eagerly.

Alec managed to pull Magnus gently against the couch without separating their lips. He he felt the taste of Magnus's tears and the wet on his skin from the friction against Magnus's, wishing to soothe his pain away. He was completely lost in the bliss of Magnus for what seemed like hours until a bitter thought broke through the perfect fluffy cloud he was floating on with Magnus, making him break the kiss reluctantly.

"I… I should go," Alec said groggily.

"You can stay if you want," Magnus replied softly after catching his breath.

"I can't… We have new recruits arriving first thing in the morning. I have to be there." Alec pulled away from Magnus to attempt the difficult task of recomposing himself.

"I understand." Magnus nodded and took Alec's hand to lead him out of his loft. He figured it was best to walk him out now or he might not be able to do it later. But when they stepped out of the entrance door and Alec turned to him to say goodbye Magnus leaned in and kissed him again. It was a slow, but burning kiss. All their previous kisses had been so desperate, always heated with the need to confirm what they had was real. Magnus was happy that now they got to enjoy each other properly. He finally allowed himself to relax, thanks to Alec's incredible support. Magnus loved him even more after this and he could feel a bubble of happiness bursting in him as he cupped Alec's face.

"Thank you," Alec said hoarsely after pulling back a little. Their noses were still touching and he was happy to notice that Magnus's tears had been dried up.

Magnus lowered his hands from Alec's face and looked into those bright brown eyes he loved so much, seeking clarification.

"For saving my life," Alec whispered and pulled away to squeeze Magnus's hand.

"Anytime, Alexander," Magnus answered with the sweetest smile Alec has ever seen on him, making everything inside him melt instantly.

A/N: Shaky first date, huh? Hope you liked it. Hope you'll be nice and review too. ;)