Thanks to all who reviewed! Now, let's get under way with the next episode!
Cue the theme!
...
Come on! I want to go home!
No quips?
Just DO IT.
Fine. Jeez.
...
When Thomas puffed along his branchline, he always looked forward to something special. Mrs Pritchard's Famous Chip and Fish Supper.
Also, the sight of the river.
The river itself had not looked very nice since before the war. Which one depended on whether you talked to a optimist or a pessimist. Several environmental agencies had gotten angry at Sir Topham Hatt and had argued that he needed to fix the delicate ecosystem. Sir Topham Hatt had responded by sending in a army of Fishermen to raise money for said fixing.
As Thomas rumbled over the bridge, he would see the people fishing. And doing...other activities. Ask your parents. Thomas often wanted to stay and watch. The Fishermen, not the other thing.
Well, he wouldn't have minded seeing the other stuff, but he thought it would be a very good opportunity to roll a cigarette without getting into trouble.
His driver said "No! What would the Fat Controller say if we were late?"
"He'd say business as usual?" asked the Fireman innocently.
"Shut up." The driver was a bit of a prude.
Everytime Thomas met another engine (EVERY. TIME) he turned the topic back to that of fish. He was obsessed. "I want to fish!" He said in the tone of voice that most kids use when demanding a bright new toy.
But they all had the same answer. "Engines don't go fishing!"
Well, technically they had the same answer, but their reactions were different.
Edward had nodded at Thomas to make him feel like he was being listened to, casually began praying for the driver to hurry back and when he did, muttered under his breath that phrase.
Henry came down with a hacking cough most of the time and through splutters said the phrase. Thomas would then shoot back "Well, maybe it would improve your health, slugbreath!" and ran away before Henry could get his breath back.
Gordon looked at Thomas like he was crazy, said it self-importantly and pulled away. Thomas shouted after him that at least he wasn't bursting his safety valve or smashing into Sir Topham Hatt's car. Gordon hissed.
And to James, who looked at him with a mixture of disgust and boredom, he said "Silly stick in the mud! By the way, there's some on you."
This would leave James in a terrified nervous breakdown for the rest of the day as he frantically searched for the mud.
...
One day he stopped as usual to take on water. As he did so, he quickly stared at his crossword. Ten down was a real pain in the caboose, it was 3,2,5, and the clue was 'Usually used to indicate problems'.
"This one's a toughie." He looked up and by luck, spotted it. "Oh, right! Out. Of. Order- OUT OF ORDER?!" He flicked back up to the sign hammered into the water tower. "What the hell's this railway coming to?! I was here yesterday and it worked just fine!"
"Well there was a incident and someone-" The Driver glared at the Fireman, who looked sheepish. "-thought it was a wrestler. And threw it over."
"BOTHER." declared Thomas, dropping the B-Bomb. "I'm thirsty!"
"Calm yourself oh overly dramatic one. We'll get some water from the river."
"Thank god, more crossword time!" shouted Thomas as they took off.
...
They found a bucket (The janitor's) and some rope (The...adventeruous lovers) and parked on the bridge. Thomas, out of breath, pulled out the one thing that could help him. A self-lighting cigarette.
"Thomas!" Annie shrieked shrilly.
"Blow it out your chassis." said Thomas wearily.
Then the driver lowered the bucket down to the water. He turned to the Fireman. "So, this is why you don't watch wrestling!"
"BUT HULKAMANIA WAS RUNNING WILD. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?!"
"Act like a normal human being?"
"HOW DARE YOU."
The bucket was old and had five holes. Also, it smelt of pee. So they had to fill it, pull it up and empty it into Thomas's tank as quickly as they could several times over. Thomas took a long drag on his cigarette and sighed contently.
Also, the Fireman needed a wee at some point, so he added his own water to the tank. Thomas felt very disgusted and angrily started forward, knocking the Fireman back and smacking his head against the whistle.
The driver said he deserved it, and sent him back to the cab. They finished at last, slightly later than expected, and many of the passengers inside the coaches were baffled by what was going on.
Jeremiah Jobling was onboard and he had already begun preparing his next song, entitled 'Fireman on a Bridge'. Clarabel was very annoyed by the singing, and sighed as they started off at last.
"That's good, that's good!" droned Thomas as he tossed his cigarette away. Annie and Clarabel ran happily behind. Their wheels were sore.
...
As they puffed along the track to Ffarquhar, suddenly Thomas began to feel a pain in his boiler. "Sweet salty cinders and ashes!" He cried, his insults having got a bit more longer now that he had time to think. "That last cigarette must be repeating on me something terrible."
Steam began to hiss from his safety valve in a alarming way. The driver frowned. "I know he's been smoking but it's not supposed to come through there." He said thoughtfully.
"There's too much steam!" said his driver.
"BUT WE'RE A STEAM TRAIN!" shouted the fireman.
"Ohhhh." groaned Thomas. "Gordon is never going to let me live this down- AAAH! I'm going to burst! I'm going to burst!"
"You should have gone before we left! Your fireman did!"
They damped down his fire and struggled on. "I've got such a pain! I've got such a pain!" moaned Thomas.
"This is what comes of-"
Annie was silenced when Thomas roared out a whole line of obscenities at her.
...
They stopped just outside the last station, for whatever reason Thomas couldn't be arsed to go the few extra yards. They then uncoupled Annie and Clarabel ("Did you see the way he talked to me!?" "I know, Annie. I know.") and then ran Thomas, who was still hissing fit to burst onto a siding out of the way.
Thomas moaned. "What did I ever do wrong?!"
"Short or long version?"
"NOT FUNNY."
Then while the guard telephoned for a engine inspector (As opposed to the regular inspectors who just stood there looking like a bunch of prawns) found notices in large letters. And no, they weren't pulling mail, I mean large writing letters. He hung them on Thomas's front and behind, and they read:
DANGER. KEEP AWAY. ALSO, MOCK SAFELY FROM A DISTANCE.
Soon the Inspector and the Fat Controller arrived. Inspector Ringo looked suspiciously around him. "Wait, ain't I narrating at this point?" He shrugged. "Ah who cares? I'm here to see a driver about a engine?"
"Cheer up Thomas." They said. "We'll soon put your right."
"BLEURGH." replied Thomas succinctly.
The driver told them what had happened. Hatt looked puzzled, angry and then reluctantly ready.
"So the feed pipe is blocked." said Inspector Starr. "I'll look in the tanks." He climbed in and peered in. Then he climbed down. "Scuse me sir." he said. "Please look in the tank and tell me what you see."
"Aside from water?!" The Fat Controller laughed, but no one else found it very funny. "Of course." He said.
He clambered up, looked in the tank and nearly fell off the ladder in surprise. "Inspector." He whispered. "Can you see...fish?"
Thomas's reaction indicated that he believed this all to be one long drug dream and hopefully he would wake up soon.
"Goodness gracious me!" said Hatt. "How did the fish get there driver?"
"They must have come up in the bucket." said the driver, hoping that the worst option was not true.
Hatt turned to Thomas. "So Thomas. So you and your driver have been fishing." Thomas groaned. "But it is not good for you, we must get them out at once!"
"THANK YOU." said Thomas, drenching his words with as much sarcasm as possible. They all took turn fishing in Thomas's tank, while the Fat Controller looked on and told them how to do it. Thomas was very angry. Not the least because the Inspector had stolen his cigarettes.
When they had caught all the fish, they had a lovely picnic supper of fish and chips from Mrs Pritchard. Thomas was not allowed any. It was torture for him to hear Hatt make weird mmm noises with his mouth.
"That was good." said the Fat Controller.
"I wouldn't know." said Thomas wearily.
"Fish don't suit you Thomas, so you mustn't do it again."
Thomas almost exploded in rage, but swallowed it down and started to back away with the help of the driver and fireman. "No sir, I won't. Engines don't go fishing, it's too uncomfortable."
...
It may interest you to note that all four recipients of the fish supper later came down with food poisoning. Because of this, Sir Topham Hatt reluctantly agreed to fund the cleaning up of the river.
Which just goes to prove...
Something.