Follow the Orange Brick Road
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: Even if we were in Kansas, Toto, I still don't own Castle. Rating: The occasional M. Time: Following I, Spy.
They left the Great Dismal Forest at last, and as they did, they heard singing ahead of them. After a while they could make out the lyrics.
"Treat me like a fool,
"Treat me mean and cruel,
"But love me."
"Is that Elvis?" Castle asked. "Could it be?"
"Elvis Who?" Asked Ann.
"Elvis. The King. Who else."
"Babe…." Kate began.
She was cut off by Ann. "We have no kings here." She said sharply. "Just the Queen of Hearts, and don't you ever forget it. Because if you do, all the leprechauns, bears, bunnies and brunettes in the world won't help you. She's a mean mother…."
"Watch your mouth." Said Rollo.
"I'm talking about the Queen." Ann said, with a steely glare.
"We should go see who's singing." Castle said, heading off with both Kate and Simone. The rest followed them.
There by the side of the road was a large table. At the head of the table was a man in a purple leather jumpsuit with a mink cape around his shoulders. On his head was a massive top hat of many colors, with a large blue feather on one side. He wore aviator sunglasses, but Kate thought she recognized him.
"Oh, no…"
"What is it?" Rick asked.
Suddenly, the singing stopped and the man greeted the new arrivals. "Thank you. Thank you very much. Darlin', is that hunka hunka burning love with you?"
Both Kate and Simone grabbed Castle. "Yes. We're with him and he's with us." Simone said quickly, spotting Declan out of the corner of her eye.
"Well, love him tender, love him true."
"And you are?" Asked Kate.
"Who am I? Are you actually asking who I am?"
"He's not on first." Muttered Castle.
"I'm Elvis. Elvis Vaughn, thank you. Thank you very much."
"You're welcome." Rollo said. He introduced everyone to Elvis.
"We're having a little tea party here. The Mad Hatter was hosting, but he was a bit over medicated and they came and took him away."
"Who came and took him away?"
"They did." Elvis replied. "Just like they do everything."
"He's right, you know." Rick said. "How many times have you blamed something on what they did?"
Kate thought for a moment. "So they have an actual they to do the things they do?"
"Thank you. Thank you very much, pretty momma." Elvis said." Now for my next song…."
"You ain't nothin' but a hound dog,
"Cryin' all the time,
"You never caught a rabbit,
"And you ain't no friend of mine."
"Hey!" Cried Harvey. "What are you? Some kind of anti-rabbit fanatic? Them's fighting words around me, buster."
"Oh, don't worry about of Elvis there." Said another voice. Slowly a dog managed to raise himself up to the table. "He's just mad about the mad March hare. You know what those March hares are like."
Harvey nodded. "Mad." He looked at the dog more closely. "Say, aren't you…?"
"You got it." The dog said with a smile.
"Declan!" Cried Harvey. "That's the dog that bit me."
"Didn't they bite you?" Declan sounded puzzled.
"Wait." Cried Castle. "You're Royal, the dog."
"Don't say that!" Cried Royal." You don't want to call me royal, because if the Queen of Hearts ever hears about it, "Royal made a slashing motion across his throat, "I'm history. Just call me Roy."
Roy pulled out a jug from under the table. "So, this is a tea party, but would you like a little hair of the dog that bit you, from the dog who bit you?"
Rollo, Declan and Harvey accepted at once. Harvey waved to the others. "Come on over and have a sip. It's good."
Ann Hasty shook her head. "I'm made of steel. Alcohol does nothing for me."
Roy reached under the table and drew out another jug, which he tossed to Ann. "Try that."
Ann cautiously took a sip. "Wow! This is great. What is it?"
"Twenty year old WD 40 oil. It'll fix what ails you."
"Do you have any vodka?" Simone asked. "I'm still Russian." She said to Rick and Kate.
"We should look after Katie." Kate said, pointing to the woman floating in the air beside her.
"She'll be fine." Rollo said. "There's mead for me, fermented honey and we have some Scotch for you, Rick. Do you like 30 year old Talisker, some 40 year old Laphroaig, or perhaps a Macallan 1946?"
Castle's mouth hung open and his eyes were blank. "You have Macallan 1946?"
"Doesn't everyone?" Rollo replied.
Kate took Rick's arm. "Is there enough for two?"
Rick and Kate woke up the next morning in Rollo's spacious handkerchief tent. Simone had gotten her own room in the tent.
"I don't have a hangover." Rick said, feeling his head. "My head should be pounding right now."
"Me either, but I'm not going to complain about it."
"I'm not complaining, I'm really getting to like this magic."
Kate grinned. "Why, Castle. You sound like you didn't believe in magic before."
Rick pulled Kate close to him and kissed her. "I believe in the magic we make."
"Toime ta get oop?" Declan yelled from outside. "We need ta be goin'."
"He really is a lot like Ryan, isn't he?" Kate muttered as she got out of bed.
As they got ready to go, Roy the dog came over to talk to them. "Where are you bound for?"
"We're headed for the palace to see the Wizard. We need to do something for poor Katie here. She was shot and hurt bad. We got her some blood, but she needs fixin' real bad." Rollo said.
Roy nodded. "I've never been to the palace, nor seen the Wizard. I hear he puts on quite a show. Mind if I tag along?"
"You don't happen to need a brain or some courage, do you?" Castle asked.
"Is he always this insulting?" Roy said with a glare.
"He's just trying to help." Kate quickly said, taking Castle by the arm and leading him away.
The travelers had not gone far when Rollo stopped and cupped his hand around his ear. "Someone coming."
Roy nodded and inhaled. "Someone smelly."
Soon they could see a cloud of dirty smoke coming towards them and then they could hear a loud, mechanical racket.
"Oh, no." Declan cried. "Not her."
"Who?" Kate asked.
"I'm afraid it's the Wicked Witch of the East."
No sooner had Rollo told them this, than a woman riding a broom side saddle rode up, spewing oily smoke and making enough noise to raise the dead. Castle hoped that the dead weren't being raised.
"Okay, hand over your gold." Said a familiar redhead. "I need some fuel for my chopper. I've had to use leaded brass for the last fifty miles."
"Meredith?" Castle said, shocked.
"Who?"
"First base." Castle said automatically.
"You got to a lot more than first base with her." Kate whispered.
"What?" Meredith asked.
"Don't say it, Castle."
"Now, hand over your gold, silver and gems. Be quick about it. I don't have all day. I need to fuel my broom."
Declan laughed. "Be off wi ye, WW. We know that yer witchy powers is gone."
"Just for that, I'm going to turn you into a frog." The witch grabbed her magic wand and spouted some nonsense words. A small spark flew out of her wand on hit Declan, bouncing off.
"There!" She said. "See? I turned you green! That's the first step."
"He was already dressed all in green, WW." Rollo said, reasonably.
"Who asked you? Just for that, big boy, I'm going to turn you into a dog." She again waved her wand, chanted something and a small spark bounced off of Rollo.
"There!" She cried, pointing to Roy. "I turned him into a dog."
"I already was a dog." Roy said. "And he's still a bear."
"You only think he's still a bear. He's a dog, I tell you."
Castle reached into his pocket and pulled out some change. "Look, I have about a buck fifty in change. Take it and go. Okay?"
Meredith took it and glared at the rest. "You're just lucky that the big spender here came up with the silver. I was about to unleash all manner of plagues on you." She roared off on her broom, which seemed a bit less noisy and smoked less.
"That's the cheapest I've ever been able to get rid of Meredith." Castle said under his breath.
"Say, Declan." Asked Roy. "Is there a little puppies' room around here?"
"A what?" Asked Castle.
"I need to relieve myself." Roy said. "I need the little puppies' room."
"Can't you just lift your leg against a tree?"
"Do I look like some sort of savage to you?"
Declan rapped his shillelagh on the ground. "Right over there, boyo." He gestured to his right.
To Castle, the trees lining the road looked like an impenetrable wall, but Roy pushed a tree back and walked out of sight. There was a brief silence followed by the sound of a toilet flushing. Then the sound of singing and running water. Roy walked back onto the road. "Ah, the pause that refreshes."
"That was…odd." Castle said.
"Ye don't have public conveniences in yer world, boyo?" Declan said. "That's yer science fer ye then."
"We do….Just not like that."
"You know, cleanliness is next to dogliness." Roy said.
Rick just shook his head and they all resumed their trip.
Next, they ran into two very obese men, so obese as to appear to be round. They were oddly dressed as well, wearing red and white striped blazers, board shorts, green and blue striped knee socks, and short billed caps on their heads.
"Good day to ye." Declan said, doffing his hat.
"Hello. Who are you?" They said.
Declan introduced the party. "And you are?"
"We're Tweedledemming and Tweedleschlemming." They said in unison.
"I'm Tweedledemming." Said one.
"You are not. I'm Tweedledemming." Said the other.
"Am so!"
"Are not!"
"Liar!"
"Liar!"
They continued yelling until Rollo began to push them to the said of the road. "Sorry, guys, but we're on our way to the palace to see the Wizard. If you ever figure out who's who, tell someone else.
"You're headed to the palace?" They said.
"That's where the Wizard is, right?" Rollo asked.
"You might not want to go there right now."
"And why would that be?" Declan asked.
Both men laughed. "We just stole the Queen of Hearts very own ruby slippers." Each one pulled out a slipper with four inch heels. They weren't just ruby colored, each shoe was carved out of a ruby. "We're going to be rich. We'll open an oyster bar with a walrus we know. We even know a guy who can build the bar for us."
"I know a guy." Said one. "I always know a guy."
"No you don't!" Screamed the other one. "I'm the one who always knows a guy!"
They started yelling at each other again.
"I don't sound like that, do I?" Castle asked quietly.
"Just a little. But when you do it, it's cute." Kate whispered.
"Very cute." Simone added.
"Uh oh." Rollo said, looking up at the sky.
While the twins argued about who knew a guy, the others looked at the sky. Dark clouds were appearing from nowhere, the wind began to blow and while it had been comfortably warm a few moments ago, it was now getting chilly. They could see flashes of lightning and hear thunder.
A lightning bolt hit near them, finally attracting the attention of the twins. "Uh, oh." They said.
When everyone's eyes adjusted from the blinding flash, they saw a tall, blonde woman striding angrily towards them. She wore black leather platform knee boots, fishnet stockings and a brief patent leather bikini bottom. She had a corset that was laced very tightly, squeezing her waist in and pushing her large boobs out. In one hand, she had a whip.
"Is that Lash La Rue?" Castle asked, his eyesight not quite returned to normal.
"It's someone else, babe." Kate said softly.
"It's the Wicked Witch of the South." Muttered Rollo. "Someone is in trouble and I think I know who it is."
"So, you thought you could steal from the Queen of Hearts, did you?"