Follow the Orange Brick Road
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: Even if we were in Kansas, Toto, I still don't own Castle. Rating: The occasional M. Time: Following I, Spy.
They continued their walk down the Orange Brick Road, stopping for lunch at a small roadside inn run by a friendly family of cats. Rick and Kate kept an eye on Roy, but he didn't seem to be bothered by the cats and vice versa. In fact a kitten crawled up into his lap and went to sleep.
"You like kittens?" Kate asked.
"Oh, I like all kinds of children. One of these days, when I'm done rambling around, I'll get married and have a couple of litters of puppies. Me and the missus will live in an ivy covered cottage with a white picket fence around it. Just like my mom and dad, I guess."
"What do you do for a living?" Castle asked, fascinated by this picture of canine domesticity.
"Right now, I do whatever will pay me. But, I'm an artistic type at heart. Let me show you." He reached into a satchel he'd been carrying over his shoulder and pulled out a battered notebook. He flipped through the pages and settled on one drawing. It was of a tall, slender Irish wolfhound, dressed in skinny jeans, a black leather jacket and boots with four inch heels. Before either Rick or Kate could say anything, Roy tapped the page and the figure began walking through a city. You could see a badge and a pistol at her waist.
"Magic?" Castle asked.
"She's a cop?" Said Kate.
"Yes to both questions."
"Does she have a name?" Rick asked.
"Nikki."
Rick and Kate stared at each other.
"Does she have a last name?" Kate asked.
"Not yet. I haven't found one I like."
"How about Heat. Nikki Heat. Detective Nikki Heat." Castle said with a grin.
Roy shook his head. "Nikki Heat? You gotta be kidding me."
"What's wrong with it?" Rick demanded.
"You obviously don't have your paw on the pulse of the populace. Nikki Heat? What's it mean? It's a stripper's name."
Kate just laughed.
"What about Nikki Beckett?" Simone suggested. "Your detective is an Irish wolfhound and Beckett is an Irish name."
Roy nodded. "Nikki Beckett. I kind of like it. It sounds good. Yeah. Nikki Beckett."
"Nikki O'Ryan would be a far better name fer an Irish lass, boyo." Declan put in.
"Nope. She gonna be Nikki Beckett."
"Nikki Heat would be far better." Castle insisted.
Roy pushed the notebook across to Castle. "Oh? Well, let's see you do a magical Nikki Heat then."
"Magical?" Castle said. He picked up a pencil and tried to draw, but nothing happened.
"Ye've no magic in ye, laddy buck." Declan said. "Oi kin see that."
"You're just not the artistic type." Roy said, putting his notebook back into his satchel.
"We need to be on our way." Kate said, having stopped laughing.
They hadn't gone far when they heard a loud humming headed their way.
"An acapella choir warming up?" Rick guessed.
"With just basses?" Rollo said.
Roy nodded. "I smell something headed this way."
Suddenly Rollo broke into a grin. "Bees! Those are bees. That means honey." The bear licked his lips in anticipation.
They were bees, indeed, but not like any Castle had ever seen before. They were a good two feet long, and were towing some kind of a cart.
When Castle saw who was in the cart, he moaned. "It can't be."
The cart stopped and a slender, bearded young man jumped down. "Hello, folks. I'm Simple Simon, the Pi-Man. I have a wonderful assortment of pies for you. What can I get you today?"
"Would you have anything with honey in it?" Rollo asked, starting to drool.
"No, I have to save my honey for the bees."
"Maybe some pies with oil?" Asked Ann Hasty. "WD 40?"
Simple Simon made a face. "Sounds gross."
"How about something with corned beef and cabbage?" Declan inquired.
"Beef?" He was obviously shocked. "Never. I make my pies with fruits and vegetables. Food as nature intended."
"Perhaps something with carrots?" Harvey asked.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I sold my last one to some rabbit that kept looking at his watch and muttering about being late."
"How about a chicken pot pie?" Castle asked.
Simon just ignored him.
Neither Kate, nor Simone nor Katie asked for anything.
Simon thanked them for their interest and went off on down the road.
"I could have used a carrot pie." Harvey said sadly as he took a long drink from his jug.
"No corned beef and cabbage?" Declan said dismissively. "He'll find no trade in the Olde Sod."
"No oil pies." Ann Hasty began. "What does he think…." She stopped and looked down the road. "There it is."
Sitting in the middle of the road was a large red tool kit, on wheels. Ann ran to it and just as she arrived at it, it disappeared. Then Ann saw it right by the edge of the road and leaped for it. Again, the tool kit disappeared and Ann went right through where it had been. There was a loud splash and an anguished cry from Ann.
Rushing over, her friends found her face down in a stream. Pulling her out, they dragged her back to the road.
"How are you doing without your tools?" A voice called, ending in a cackling laugh.
"You!" Ann screamed. "I'll tear you limb from limb." She started after the man, a short dark haired sort, just standing there. But as Ann took her first step, her knee locked up. She tried to take a step, but the other knee locked up.
"Oh, dear me, Ann." Cried the man. "You seem to be rusting up from your little swim. You should be more careful. When your friends leave you, I'll have my way with you."
"We don't leave our friends behind. "Rollo announced, glaring at the man.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth, than the whole group began to glide down the Orange Brick Road, leaving poor Ann behind.
"Who are you?" Demanded Castle.
They stopped moving and were turned to face the man.
"Who am I? You really don't know who I am?"
"Not a clue." Rick replied.
"Amazing. None of you have heard of me?"
Everyone except Rick, Kate, Simone and Katie admitted to knowing who he was.
"The rest of you really have no idea who I am?"
"And no interest in finding out." Kate said.
"Guess, then. Guess who I am?"
"Rumpelstiltskin?" Rick said sarcastically.
"I'm Three You Kay."
The three shrugged. "Okay. You're 3UK. So?"
"I'm the most dangerous wizard there is. I'm always messing with people and I never get caught. And I never will."
"What kind of a name is 3UK?" Simone asked.
"It's not my name, stupid. It's what people call me. Three You Kay for Three Un Knowns. The three things about me that are secret. They're the source of my power. If anyone ever discovered them, I'd be powerless. Go ahead and guess, but if you guess wrong, I'll do something nasty to you." The sentence ended in evil giggles.
"So what are the three?" Rick asked.
"My real name, the name of my girlfriend and the color of my mom's hair."
"Jerry Tyson, Kelly Nieman, and blonde." Rick shot back.
3UK screamed and began to shrink. He shrank until he was about six inches tall. Then the red tool kit landed on him, crushing him. Then a safe, followed by a piano landed on him. Castle noticed that all three objects were marked, "Acme Corporation."
"Get me some oil." Ann said slowly as her body began to rust up.
Before anyone could do anything, a slender, rather beaten up coyote, came out of the woods, muttered, "Bummer", and took his piano and safe, and left.
"Was that….." Castle pointed at the retreating coyote.
"It must have been." Kate said.
"Oil." Ann croaked.
Harvey ran to the tool box and got out an oil can. Soon Ann's joints were as good as new.
He hugged Rick, bruising him with her nipples. "Thank you so much. I have my tool kit back and I can work now. How can I ever thank you?"
"Try not mauling my husband." Kate said.
"Oh, sorry." She took a step backwards. "I've never been to the palace, or seen the wizard, so I'd like to continue on with you. Is that all right?"
Everyone agreed and they all went off down the Orange Brick Road. In the distance they could hear the rather tinny sounds of a honky-tonk piano.
"Hey, it's some kind of a road house." Castle said enthusiastically.
That was all that Declan, Harvey and Roy needed to hear. Rick looked at Kate and they both shrugged.
"I guess we'll go in." Kate noticed that Katie had started to drift to the road house as well. She looked at Ann. "Coming?"
"I hope they have some decent oil."
"Coming, Castle?"
"Always."
By the time they got inside, their three companions had already bellied up to the bar. Rick, Kate and Ann followed suit.
Suddenly, the piano music stopped as the swinging doors opened up to let three strangers in.
"Well, look at that." Said the one in the middle. "I heard you were a low down, dirty Yankee, Shane."
"Who?" Rick asked.
"Shane. You're Shane."
As the man stepped forward, Rick recognized the man and his two companions. "It's you."
The man nodded. "That's right. I'm Wild Black Jack Hunt the Kid and these are my pardners, Rocky and Bull."
"Really?" Castle said, shaking his head. "A squirrel and a moose?"
"A flying squirrel, and you'd better smile when you say that." The little fellow tapped the leather flying cap on his head.
Ann stepped forward. "He isn't Shane, I am. And I've heard that you're a low down, dirty Yankee. Now go for your guns."
The three drew, but the bullets just bounced off of Ann Hasty's steel body. She grabbed their guns from their hands and crushed them.
Ann smiled at them. "Now get out of town."
The three left.
"We should go, I think." Ann said, turning to her friends.
But as they left, they heard a voice calling, "Shane. Shane, come back."
Soon they came to a bridge over a deep chasm with a rapidly flowing river far below. Looking up and down the river, they could see that this was the only way to cross for quite a ways. When they stepped onto the bridge, a voice stopped them.
"That's far enough. In order to cross, you'll have to get by me. Special Agent Jordan Shaw, T.R.O.L.L."
Castle looked at this edition of Jordan Shaw. She was younger and much hotter than the one they'd met on his Earth. "You're a troll? And aren't you supposed to live under bridges?"
Special Agent Shaw shook her head. "I'm not a troll. I work for T.R.O.L.L. That's Transportation Rehabilitation Organization and Landscaping, Limited."
"So what do we have to do to cross the bridge?" Rollo asked.
"You need to pay the toll."
"And how much is that?"
"One thousand gold coins."
"Pay the woman." Rollo said to Declan.
"A thousand of me gold coins ta cross yon bridge? I'll not pay a single farthing!" The wee man screamed angrily.
"Does anyone else have money?"
Ann shook her head. "I haven't been able to work without my tools."
"I just got here." Harvey said.
"Who ever heard of a dog with money?" Said Roy.
"We have no gold coins and you don't take plastic around here." Castle said. He turned to Shaw. "Is there any other place to cross?"
"Yes, but you'll have to pay the same amount to cross there."
"We don't have the money. Is there anything else we can do? Work it off, maybe?"
"You could try to answer the three riddles, but no one has ever succeeded."