Follow the Orange Brick Road
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: Even if we were in Kansas, Toto, I still don't own Castle. Rating: The occasional M. Time: Following I, Spy.
"You….You….You're him?' Castle gasped.
"It seems to me that I just said something like that. You hard of hearing, pal?"
Castle shook his head.
"What can we do for you, Mister Spade?" Kate asked.
Sam pushed his hat up to get a good look at Kate. "You're a nice looking dame and you have great pins. How about you and I go cut a rug? The Palladium has a new band. Really hot, I hear."
Kate shook her head. "This is my husband, Rick. And he suits me right down to the ground."
Spade raised an eyebrow, "Rick? Say, is he the jamoke who owns Rick's Café Americain?"
"No, that's another Rick entirely."
"You didn't answer her question?" Rick spoke up. "What do you want?"
Spade smiled. "You dropped a box of tools on a gunsel by the name of 3UK a while back. His partner didn't take kindly to that."
"Wait a minute." Castle interrupted. "Gunsel is a slang term for a gay prostitute not a gunman, no matter what you may have thought it meant in The Maltese Falcon. That was just Dashiell Hammett's way of putting one over on his book editor."
"My husband knows all about book editors and getting the better of them."
"Your point being, pal?" Spade said with a smile.
Rick blushed slightly.
"Look, the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy, mixed up world, but…."
"Just what do you want, Mr. Spade?" Kate asked, getting a bit peeved.
Spade reached inside his coat. "I have me a .44 magnum magic wand here."
"The most powerful magic wand in the word?" Castle asked. "It would blow your head clean off?"
Spade nodded slowly. "You're good. You're really, really good."
"So you'll help protect us from 3UK's partner?" Declan asked.
"We don't need any help." Rollo said, slamming one bear sized fist into his palm.
Spade drew his magic wand. "Go ahead, make my day."
"That's enough!" Kate said, stepping between Kate and Rollo. "How much, Mr. Spade."
"Twenty gold pieces a day, plus expenses."
"Pay the man, Declan."
Declan grumbled but paid Spade forty gold pieces up front.
They resumed their march, but as they walked on, they noticed that the skies were getting darker and the wind was rising.
"That's odd." Said Declan. "The weather aboot the palace is usually excellent."
"I've never written anything exactly like this." Castle said.
"But if you had, something bad would be about to happen." Kate finished for him.
"Are you ready to die?" Screamed a voice from the woods by the road. A figure dressed all in white stepped out into the road ahead of them.
"Crap. It's Kelly Neiman." Rick muttered.
"Feeling lucky, punk?" Spade yelled, pulling out his .44 magnum magic wand. A burst of light flashed from the wand and a purple haze settled over Neiman. Castle found himself humming All Along the Watchtower.
Neiman smiled at Spade, then shrugged. The purple haze vanished and Spade's stiff wand went limp.
"Typical man." Neiman laughed.
"Try this." Kate pulled out the submachine she'd picked up at the Wicked Witch of the West's gingerbread house and fired a whole clip into Neiman. With no affect.
"Is that all you've got?" She said.
"Excuse me, but can I try?" Harvey asked, deferentially.
The woman in white laughed again. "An attack rabbit? Sure. Why not?"
Harvey reached into his satchel and drew a colorful pistol of some sort, walked towards Neiman and opened fire. The woman screamed and began to melt. Harvey kept firing and Neiman kept melting. Finally, she was gone.
"What kind of a weapon is that?" Rick, Kate and Simone asked at once.
"A Super Soaker 5000." Harvey said proudly. "I bought it online at for twelve gold pieces back at the pub. It was delivered by a giant eagle just before we left."
"Just the thing for getting rid of witches." Rollo said.
"I was going to fill it with whiskey and shoot it in my mouth, but I wanted to make sure it worked first."
"Keep it loaded with water." Rollo advised. "Just in case."
They came over a small rise and suddenly saw the palace before them. It was all in pastel shades, with tall, slender towers, blocky high rises and a river running past it.
"Wow. Nice place." Castle said.
"Ye wouldn't be expectin' the wizard to live in some dump, would ye?"
The palace was large and it took them over an hour to walk to the front gate. A large, bearded man stood by the gate. "Name and business?" He asked.
"Declan Niall O'Ryan and me friends." Declan introduced them all. "An' we need to be getting' puir Katie to see the wizard. She's hurt somethin' awful."
The gate keeper nodded. "Go right on in, but Red Princess is not happy and the Queen of Hearts is in a snit."
"We'll be careful." Declan said.
Declan led the way and seemed to know where he was going, leading them through hallways, libraries, vast dining rooms, and ballrooms until he suddenly stopped at a large landing with two staircases on either side.
"By Jayzus! I hear her. It's herself."
Harvey pointed his large ears towards one staircase. "I think I hear something as well."
"Maybe we should leave and try another day?" Rollo suggested.
"Fee, fie, foe, fum. I smell the blood of an Englishman." They heard very softly, as from a distance.
"Fee, fie, foe, fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman." The voice was coming closer.
"FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN."
Suddenly, there before them was a slender redheaded girl that Rick, Kate and Simone recognized at once.
"Alexis?" Castle gasped.
The redhead snapped her head around on hearing her name. "Who are you, to call me by my name and not by my title?"
"Title?" Castle was a bit confused.
"I am the Red Princess, dolt! Everyone knows who I am and everyone calls me by my title and not by my name, you oaf."
"But, Alexis….." He got no further. Alexis was suddenly in front of him, lifting him off the ground with one finger.
"You will call me Red Princess, or I'll turn you into a frog." She screamed.
"Anything, Pumpkin." Castle babbled.
Castle suddenly found himself ten feet in the air. "What did you call me? Did you call me Pumpkin? Are you trying to get turned into a frog, moron?"
"Um, Your Highness, that is, Red Princess." Rollo said." I believe our friend is unfamiliar with the…unfortunate incident with the pumpkin."
"Unfortunate incident? How dare you call what happened to me an "unfortunate incident"? I get all dressed up to got to Prince Charming's ball, hoping for a little action. I even magicked up a coach made out of a pumpkin, and some mice for attendants and a few feral cats I turned into horses, and what happens? Prince Charmless spends all of his time with some blonde bimbo who's magicked nothing but her chest. So, I leave and I'm halfway home and the damned warranty on my magic spell expires. I'm left sitting in the middle of the road with my head sticking out of a pumpkin and some damned cats licking my face. The news media was all over it. It'll be online forever."
"A tragedy, to be sure, Red Princess, but…"
Rollo got no further before the Red Princess began screaming. "Turning him into a frog is too good for him. I'll turn him into a rat. And arthritic rat, and I'll gather hungry feral cats from all over the Kingdom, then I'll…"
"You'll do no such thing." Said a familiar voice.
"Mother!" Cried the Red Princess, stamping her foot.
Declan bowed low. "Your Majesty." The rest bowed as best they could.
"What seems to be the problem here?"
Declan spoke. "We have come many a mile to ask the wizard to help us wi' puir Katie here. She's a might bit oonder the weather, so ta speak."
The Queen of Hearts ran her gaze over the assembled group. "How odd." She said, walking over to stand in front of Kate. "This appears to be me." She then gazed down at Katie. "As does this one."
Indeed, all three women were identical, other than the Queen of Hearts having darker hair than the Kate or Katie.
"Declan Niall O'Ryan." The Queen said, her eyes narrowing. "I hadn't expected to see you around here again."
Declan gulped. "Oi paid me debt to society, Your Highness. Tis a free man I am now."
However, the Queen's eye was now focused on Rick. "And this one looks like my husband."
The Red Princess shrieked. "He does not! He looks nothing like my poppa. Nothing!"
"Don't be too sure." The Queen said, making a magic sign with one hand. Instantly, Rick had a beard that went down to his belt and a wild mane of unruly hair.
"Hey! I don't do beards."
The Queen shrugged, and beard and hair disappeared. "Better?" She asked, then turned to Declan. "Explain how you came to be here with these people. And remember, you cannot lie to me."
Declan blushed, but began. "Oi was runnin' a still wi' me pal, Rollo, when yon Katie appears in a blue flash. She sees us an' yells that we should run as there's bad folks comin' fer her. Naturally, I…" Declan suddenly couldn't talk.
Rollo took over. "Declan hid behind some trees, but we bears being made of sterner stuff, I stood right by Kate. She told me she came from another world. Not a world such as the astrologers know, Hermes, Aphrodite, Jove and the rest, but an alternate Earth, much like our own Earth in many ways, but very different in others. We talked for half an hour and we believed that whoever was chasing her had lost her trail. Declan came out of hiding…."
"I weren't hiding, ye furry….." Declan made a strangling sound and said no more. The Queen glared at him.
"I told Katie that she'd be safe in our world and that Declan and I would see to it that nothing would happen to her. Declan did not contradict me, so by our laws, he agreed."
"How did she become injured then?" The Queen asked.
"We were about to head for Declan's wee cottage when there was another flash of blue light and two men, armed with very odd weapons attacked us. They used no magic, it seems, but propelled a lead slug at great speed, injuring poor Katie, but just a bit. Declan used his shillelagh on them and turned them into owls. They flew off."
"Oi meant to turn them into bluidy pigeons." Declan managed.
Rollo continued. "Katie had a wrist band which she said could take her to many Earths. She said that a man named Richard Castle could help her. She made some adjustment to the band and was about to leave when another two villains arrived in a flash of blue. They shot poor Katie badly. I grabbed Declan and had him hold her hand so as to have company. She disappeared, along with Declan."
The Queen turned to Rick. "So your name is Richard Castle as well?"
"Yes. Um, as well as who?"
"My husband, of course."
"The guy with the beard?"
"Yes." The Queen said quickly. She turned back to Declan. "So, how did they come here to this Earth?"
Declan described how he'd arrived outside the Castle's loft mere seconds before a banshee and told of how he'd brought everyone back to his own world and described how they had picked up new members of their group as they went.
"A world with no magic?" The Queen said, wonderingly. "How odd." She looked thoughtful. "Do you suppose they could help with my husband with this science of theirs?"
"Does he need a barber?" Castle asked, getting a nasty glare from the Queen.
"Nothing so simple. My husband was pricked in the finger with a magic quill pen some seven years ago and fell asleep. He has not woken in all that time. I have had every magician, mage, wizard, wise woman, sorcerer, and thaumaturge in the land and no one can help."