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And cue the theme!
...
So.
Hmm?
That stuff about not paying me?
Well the thing is, Mr Starr, OH LOOK ANOTHER EPISODE!
...
Henry the Green Engine was feeling sorry for himself. Shockingly. Ever since he had arrived on the Island (In mysterious circumstances, it must be said), he had not felt as good as other engines felt, but recently he had been feeling worse and worse. Maybe it had something to do with constantly being trapped in tight enclosed spaces where dirt and germs gathered quite often.
One morning he was feeling especially sorry for himself. Sometimes he could pull trains, and sometimes he had no strength at all.
"I suffer dreadfully!" he wailed. "And NO ONE cares! NO ONE at all!"
"Rubbish." snapped James. "You don't just work hard enough!" He puffed away angrily, to go and look at himself in a mirror again. Though Henry was too busy locked in his self-pitying mood to really absorb this, if he had listened, he would have reflected upon how strange it was being lectured like this from James of all engines.
He even considered writing some poetry to express his feelings on the matter, but he wondered where. He had been kicked out of the Sodor Angsting Poem Society for being too grim.
...
One day, the Fat Controller arrived to speak with him. Mr Carlin was in the cab, fiddling with Henry's controls. Therefore, every so often a loud burst of rage would come through to interrupt the conversation.
"Well Henry...there's a little matter of costs I need to discuss with you-"
"SON OF A MOTHERLESS *****!" raved Mr Carlin as a spanner flew out the window.
"To be blunt, you're too expensive Henry!"
"That caviar I ordered was CHEAP!"
"Honestly, we're still having trouble with that National Health Service being implemented on the Island."
"GREAT **** ON A ******* BALLS!" roared his driver Henry's tender was smacked backwards.
"Ohhhhhkay, we've given you new parts and new paint too. But they've done you no good."
"Why are you smiling?"
"Hmm? Sorry, thought of a funny joke, that's all." He cleared his throat. "If we can't make you better, we must get another engine to replace you."
"WAIT WHAT!?" screeched Mr Carlin.
"WelllookatthetimeImustbegoing!" Hatt made a undignified exit. This made Henry, his driver and his fireman very sad. And angry, as they spent the next few minutes turning the air blue with curse words.
...
"Think they'll get rid of Henry?"
Gordon frowned. "Not if they want to have the unions on them like a hawk."
"With what you did, I'd be surprised if you were even still in contact with the unions." snidely noted Percy.
"Watch it, pea-green, or I'll ram you so hard you'd wish that you were getting scrapped." Gordon frowned. "Hang on, isn't that Fatty?"
It was indeed. The Fat Controller had changed out of his normal suit and into a pair of blue overalls that looked as though they hadn't been worn for years. He had even removed his hat. This was a descion that he was regretting, as several small children were staring at his bald head in fascination.
Henry backed down in order to take a train of green coaches on a run. Sir Topham climbed into Henry's cab and tried not to stare as Carlin smoked his seventh cigarette of the day, and the Fireman pulled out a dirty magazine.
"Ahem." He coughed. Both men jumped up and hurriedly tried to look like they were busy.
Henry had managed to start, but as they puffed through the countryside, his fireman was not satisfied. Mostly because he hadn't had the chance to finish reading that magazine of his. "Henry's a bad steamer." He said. "I can build up his fire like a pro, but it makes no difference, there's not enough heat."
"That's what she said!" snapped Carlin, who was also unsatisfied.
"I...see." said the Fat Controller, who wondered if he was slightly out of his comfort zone here.
Henry tried very hard, but it was no good. He coughed and spluttered, the lack of steam was hurting him. He came to a sharp stop outside Edward's station. Edward nodded in what he hoped was a sympathetic way.
"Oh dear!" wailed Henry once more. "I shall have to go away! Oh dear! Oh dear!"
"Oh get on with yourself, you ham!" laughed Edward. He suddenly sobered up when he realized that Henry was being deadly serious for once. "Well." He said awkwardly. "Maybe they'll find something."
"Edward." said Henry mournfully. "If I leave, I want you to have my CD collection."
"Oh." said Edward, touched by this odd gesture.
All he could do was go slowly onto a siding, and Edward took charge of the train. As he backed down, his tender bounced against the wall. "OH!" He shouted angrily. "WATCH IT!"
"WATCH YOURSELF!" rudely snapped Carlin.
Edward moved over to take control of the train. And while he did, the Fat Controller and Henry's Fireman went into discussion once more, as Carlin was busy cursing at Henry's moping.
"What do you think is wrong, fireman?"
"I do have a name." But the Fireman suddenly felt braver, for no one had really asked him his opinion before. Carlin tended to, for lack of a better term, railroad everything he said. "Well scuse me sir, beg your pardon. Fact is, i think it's the coal."
He tensed. For the Fat Controller had often struggled with getting coal of a good quality, and he had always suspected that people who did not have the scruples of the controller had snuck in coal of a cheaper make. But Sir Topham looked on and gestured for him to continue. "Well, we've had a poor lot lately. Today it's worse. I know that doesn't excuse the constant coughing and spluttering and all the other problems, but those were caused by...well, certain incidents. Besides, the other engines can manage, they have big fireboxes. Henry's is small and can't make the heat." Edward gave Henry a slightly mocking glance. "With Welsh Coal, he'd be a different engine!"
"Never trust anything Welsh!" snapped Mr Carlin. "It'll give him the runs!"
"Oh I wish I could run!" wailed Henry, missing the point.
"Besides! That **** is expensive!"
"It is expensive." said the Fat Controller thoughtfully. "But I suppose that Henry deserves a chance. James shall go and fetch some."
Henry did not think the future would go well if it was left in James's power. Edward didn't either, but whistled cheerfully.
...
"I hope you appreciate how DIRTY I had to get to bring this!" snarled James as he puffed away.
Henry stared at the mountain of coal that was in front of him. "Are we sure this isn't a drug of some kind?" His mood wasn't helped by the fact that when the Welsh Coal came, his driver and fireman were 'excited'.
"Now we'll show em, Henry!" enthused the fireman. Carlin pulled out his pipe and began smoking it.
They carefully made his fire, putting large lumps of coal like a wall around the outside, then the glowing middle part was covered with smaller lumps. Meanwhile, Mr Carlin was staring into the distance as a flying elephant ran over a truck.
"You're spoiling my fire!" groaned Henry, who was beginning to wonder if this wasn't some increasingly complicated plan on the Fat Controller's part to use him as a drug mule.
"Wait and see." said the Fireman. "We'll have a roaring fire, just when we want it!"
"IS THAT SHED TRYING TO MAKE LOVE TO ME?!" screamed Carlin.
...
The Fireman was right, when Henry had reached the Knapford platform, he was boiling nicely. Gordon and Percy watched on with interest as Henry let off steam and caused both to cough and splutter.
"How are you Henry?" asked the Fat Controller.
"Peep peep!" Henry tooted. "I feel fine! So fine! HENRY YOU SO FINE."
Gordon lost the will to speak at that moment.
"Have you a good fire, driver?"
"Never better sir!" said Charlie Sand, having been drafted in to replace Carlin at short notice, as the latter was currently stoned out of his mind. "Plenty of steam too!"
"No record breaking." said the Fat Controller as Henry began to hype himself up. "There are laws about that. Don't push him too hard."
"Are you kidding?" laughed Sand. "I don't think he'll need pushing. We're going to have to hold him back!" and Henry took off as the brass band began to play.
...
As they left the station, Henry spotted Marklin moving past him. He whistled so loudly that the black engine thought that the cops were onto him and he began immediately preparing his escape from the Island.
Henry had a lovely day, even forcing his way onto Thomas's branchline at one point just to show off how great he was. He couldn't stop smiling, He had never felt so well in his life. He wanted to go faster, but his driver wouldn't let him.
"Steady old fellow!" he said. "There's plenty of time!"
"Wow. Can I transfer to you?"
"Sorry mate. Stuck with Carlin for the moment."
"Blow."
They arrived early at Elsbridge, and Henry spent the next few minutes laughing manically in delight at his new lease on life. Thomas pulled up. Before he could even open his mouth, Henry darted in with a biting retort. "Where have you been lazybones? You're too fat, you need exercise! Well, can't wait for dawdling tank engines like you. Goodbye!" And he took off once more, wheeshing with triumph over his new success.
Thomas stared after him, aware vaguely that Henry had turned his own insults back at him, but more shocked at how Henry was going. "Well." He spoke aloud. "Did you ever see anything like it?"
Both Annie and Clarabel agreed they never had.
...
Marklin puffed forward, angrily looking from left to right. He was almost to the docks. And then he stopped.
And thought.
"It's Kipper Night soon." He murmured. "And that means there'll be a lot of teething troubles. If Henry knows something..." He thought once more.
And then he grinned.
"Oh dear." He laughed. "Poor Henry! Whatever caused THAT accident?!"
TO. BE. CONTINUED.