6. Confessing Thoughtlessness
With a heavily pounding heart Severus arrived at his Master's study. It was already late and the possibility of being cursed for daring to disturb him at such an ungodly hour was running high. On the other hand Severus had gained important information and his Master had ordered Severus to inform him as soon as the Potter boy had made up his mind.
If he would chose to wait and tell the Dark Lord the next morning, his Master would not take too kindly to this and curse Severus for making him wait. There was no way out of this situation without the high possibility of getting cursed and tortured in the process.
It was better to get over it and the sooner the better. Furthermore, the Potter brat's time was running out and quickly at that. Should Severus decide to wait it could easily be that the boy would not live to see the Dark Lord's reaction to his decision.
And this would clearly cost Severus his life. He was, after all, the boy's personal healer and would therefore, of course, be solely held responsible for the well-being and lifespan the boy possessed.
With a long suffering sigh Severus straightened his shoulders and braced himself for the pain and horror that soon would come. He hesitated one last futile time before he brought his fist to the wooden door and strongly knocked before bidding entrance.
"Enter!"
The voice was sharp and angry and immediately caused Severus to flinch beside his firm control over his troubling emotions. He bent his head lightly before he opened the door so that he would not be able to look directly into his Master's eyes and then slowly entered the room.
The room was only scarcely lit. A handful of candles were drifting through the air. They burned lightly and emitted light from their place in the air. Three additional candles were standing on his Master's desk. Not for the first time and probably not for the last time either Severus idly wondered to himself how his Master was able to work with such little light to see.
The Dark Lord had made it a habit to read through every single of the reports his Death Eaters were sending him and most of them, especially the newer and less educated ones, didn't possess the neatest writing. How was the Dark Lord even able to read and decipher them?
As soon as Severus had reached his place in front of his Master's desk he knelt down and bowed his head. It wouldn't do him any good to anger or even enrage his Master this early during his report. Keeping his head bowed Severus could hear the well-known and terrifying sound of dry skin consisting of scales slithering around the hard and cold stone floor. With a little bit more than dread Severus realized his Master's pet was also there and obviously bored as she would normally sleep through such meetings. Her active state did nothing to calm his nerves. He had to be careful otherwise Nagini would bite or strangle him a little just for fun.
It wouldn't be the first time for her to do so.
"My Lord, I came here to report about the Potter boy's progress and decision."
A short hum from his Master informed him that he had gained his Master's attention. He could hear a quill being laid down and a stack of parchments being placed aside. Robes shuffled as his Master leaned back in his armchair with his hands resting neatly in his lap and his wand in his pocket. He looked well rested and calm even though Severus imagined he could feel the waves of tension rolling of his Master.
"Is that so, Severus? Then please enlighten me, what is Mr. Potter's decision?"
The voice was so sickly sweet and calm that Severus was immediately reminded of Umbridge before she had been run over by the Hogwarts herd of Hippogriffs. His Master wanted an answer but it wasn't just any answer. The Dark Lord knew exactly what he wanted to hear from his follower. The calmness and the sweetness in his voice were strong indicators for this.
That moment Severus knew with utmost certainty that should his answer displease his Lord it may very well be that he wasn't going to live until the sun was to rise again the next morning. The very thought made Severus tense and swallow nervously.
It took all of his willpower to refrain from clearing his throat awkwardly. "Potter's state of health is a lot worse than I first thought it to be. Without help he would not be able to live to see the next week." Severus stated in a calm and detached way. The Dark lord despised emotions on one of his good days. He outright abhorred them when he was stressed or feeling pressured.
"I first thought Potter would rather die than become your son through blood seeing as his mentors, his family and his friends lost their lives in this war." Severus chose to refrain from mentioning the Dark Lord's involvement. Both of them knew who was responsible for this spilling of blood.
Severus took a deep breath and emptied his mind. There should be nothing in his thoughts besides the necessary information for his Master. "However, I have to admit that Potter surprised me, my Lord. He feels betrayed and cheated by the powers that be as he never had the chance to just live his life without having to serve. He feels he owes it to his family and friends to stay alive and to be happy for once in his life."
Severus drew a shaky breath. He knew he hadn't answered his Master's question yet. And his Master hated having to wait for information he desired. However, it was important that his Master understood Potter's reasoning even though he wouldn't approach the boy and curse him for making this decision.
He really would have to hurry if he didn't want to get cursed himself soon.
"After some consideration Potter has agreed to take the blood-adoption potion to become your son and heir, my Lord." Severus hid his glee over his success well. He knew that it wouldn't be appreciated by his Master. "Potter is prepared for everything. I ordered the house-elves to put a small amount of sleeping draught into his meal so that Potter will be well rested when the transformation begins."
Severus paused to give his Master the opportunity to ask question should he desire more information. When the Dark Lord remained quiet, Severus heaved a mental sigh of relief and continued.
"Tonight would be the best time." He declared. "The potion still needs to simmer for five more hours before it will be effective. Until then Potter will be sleeping and I would be able to prepare everything that might be necessary. By tomorrow morning the boy would be yours in everything through magic and blood."
A small nod of agreement and contentment was the only response Severus received for the first part of his report. Glancing up carefully from the floor Severus could see that his Master was smiling lightly to himself, obviously very pleased with what Severus had told him so far.
"That is good to hear, Severus, very good." His Master praised. "I'm merely curious as to why Potter is suddenly so willing to leave everything of his old life behind."
His Master's voice was still calm, but a look of confusion had currently spread over the Dark Lord's face. His brows were lightly furrowed and his eyes narrowed in thought. The fear in Severus' heart intensified especially as Nagini started to slither closer and flick her tongue teasingly at him. She could smell his fear, Severus reminded himself. He should calm down before she informed her Master.
"Potter, it seems, has had enough." Severus tried to explain what couldn't be explained. "He feels that his position and role in this war were not what he wanted them to be. He wishes for a fairly normal life, to be able to attend classes, get a job, marry and have children sometime in the future."
Severus chose his words carefully. It was a dangerous balancing act of finding the perfect words to emphasize Potter's willingness to become someone else so that he might live his life and his Master's need to control the lives of the people he considered important. Not to forget that Potter wished for liberty and protection – a contradiction in itself.
"The way the light side has tried to mold him into a warrior and the way the dark side always chased after his life seemed to be too much for him." Severus finally decided to relate to his Master. "Potter is ready to leave all this behind him and to start anew. In fact, the boy wishes to become someone else, a completely new person. Someone who wouldn't be forced to do someone else's bidding. He wishes to be normal."
A fine layer of sweat appeared on Severus' face. He could clearly feel how his hands started to become wet and how his throat suddenly became very dry. What he was going to tell his Master was nothing they had spoken of before. Severus might very well be killed for bringing it up.
"Potter doesn't want to be himself anymore." Severus opted for a smooth prelude. "In fact he wants to change his identity so that no one might ever find out that he is still alive. He wishes to change everything about him. That is why he has agreed to take the blood-adoption potion and become your heir so easily. He wants to have a complete new start and a whole new life."
An almost inaudible shuddering and shaking breath escaped Severus' lips. He had to do it. He had to inform his Master of what he had Potter convinced to do. It was only for the best, the best for all of them. Sadly only he didn't know whether his Master would appreciate his hard work.
"Potter wishes to become a whole new person." Severus chose to repeat himself. "He therefore wishes to take the gender changing draught and become your daughter and heiress instead of your son and heir."
A shell shocked expression would have suited the Dark Lord's face in the current situation. But the Dark Lord wouldn't be the Dark Lord and the soon to be ruler of the world if he could be shocked this easily. His face remained almost completely void of emotions.
However, Severus was able to tell from his position on the floor that this information didn't leave his Master unmoved. His eyes were slightly and unnaturally wide as they darted aimlessly and almost invisibly through the dimmed room. Whereas his face was a nearly perfect emotionless mask, his rapidly clenching and unclenching fingers gave away his distress.
The Dark Lord finally hummed softly. "Well, this is quite the surprise to me." The Dark Lord admitted openly. "Potter truly wishes to become a woman, Severus?"
Nodding curtly Severus still kept his eyes cast to the floor. His black hair was falling into his face and his dark eyes hiding them from his Master's piercing gaze. He was sure that his eyes would give him away if his nervousness didn't before.
Severus was stiff as a board and his hands and forehead were still sweaty. One wrong word, one single wrong tone or look would give him away and sign his death.
"Yes, my Lord." Severus muttered to the cold stone floor. "Potter wishes to become a woman this very evening."
The Dark Lord remained silent even though a tornado of different emotions was storming through his purple eyes. There was shock, a lot of surprise, a little bit of suspicion, denial and even desperation. His Master was currently battling a futile battle, a battle of his mind against his heart. His mind was obviously telling him that with Potter becoming a woman nothing could possibly go wrong anymore. Everything would turn out like he wanted it to.
But his heart was telling him something else. It was questioning his resolve. He had sworn to himself he would treat the boy like his son. But would he be able to treat Potter as his daughter without breaking in the process or trying to mold Potter into someone else?
"I understand, Severus." The words were surprising soft as they broke the silence. "Is there anything else I need to know?"
A small smile etched over Severus' thin lips. His Master had accepted Potter's decision. It was the first step into the right direction.
Suddenly Severus felt like a misplaced matchmaker. But instead of bringing together a pair of lovers, Severus tried to bring together a family. Potter needed stability and someone to guide him and to take care of him in times of need whereas the Dark Lord needed someone he could care for and cast all of his protectiveness upon. To have a father and to have a daughter would both do them some good.
"There is one last thing, my Lord." Severus remarked softly, almost unable to keep his voice emotionless with the giddy feeling spreading through his body. "You might take the last remaining hours to think about a suitable name. Potter wishes for you to baptise him."
Had it been possible, the Dark Lord's eyes would have widened even more. As they were already wide open all his Master could do was nod a little dumbly. He seemed to need some time to rethink all the information Severus had presented him with. Naming the boy, well, soon to be girl seemed to have been the last straw on his Master's already fragile emotional state.
His Master seemed to suffer a flashback, memories of his daughter and his wife replaying in front of his eyes. Severus wanted to help his Master, he deserved a bit of happiness in his life but he feared he might just make everything worse.
The Dark Lord closed his eyes briefly and took a low breath. "You may go now, Severus." He dismissed the Potions Master. "Inform the Malfoys of the actual state of progress and then return so that we can set the changing process into motion. I shall be there at midnight."
With a final curt nod Severus bid his Master farewell and left the study. He couldn't believe his luck. Not a single curse or one bit of torture had been afflicted upon him. Either his Master was discovering his softer human side, a thought that was absolutely ridiculous itself, or he was just too shocked to notice what was going on around him. Whatever it was Severus was very thankful that it had spared him unnecessary pain and torture this evening.
Walking through the sheer endless corridors of Slytherin Manor Severus arrived at his personal study and working place. His quarters at Slytherin Manor could be considered small but they held everything he needed to work and live. They contained a small bedroom and a library. A living room and a bathroom were connected with his study making it possible to live there during the holidays.
The fireplace in his living room was lit. One of the house-elves must have known that he was about to use it. Taking a handful of flew powder out of the small box standing above the fireplace Severus threw the powder into fire, waited until the flames turned poisonous green, called out his destination and then left with a swirl of his robes.
When the spinning finally stopped Severus stepped out of the fireplace and carefully dusted off his robes. The little house-elf that had appeared as soon as he had crossed the border belonging to the Malfoy Estate was sent away with the task to bring its Master and Mistress.
While Severus was waiting for them to arrive a sudden wave of contentedness and relief swapped over him. He had fulfilled his lifelong promise and vow to Lily.
Shortly before her son had been born and she had been killed, Lily had visited him. He remembered the night only too well. It had been raining, thunders had echoed through the night and lightning had illuminated the dark sky. He was about to change and go to bed when a knock at his front door caused him to halt and forced him to open the door. Lily had been standing outside, her clothes soaking wet through standing unprotected in the rain. She had been shivering lightly, however, whether that was due to the coldness or her fear of what the future might bring, Severus didn't know.
He had let her enter, offered her something warm to drink and dried her clothes with a swift motion of his wand. They had been sitting in front of his rackling fireplace for some time in peaceful quiet when all of a sudden Lily had broken down. Her sobs had been heart-breaking. Her hands were clutched firmly over her largely swollen belly as if she was trying to protect her unborn child.
Not knowing what else to do Severus had placed an arm around her shoulder as he tried to ease her pain and comfort her. Between sobs she had told him that she feared she might not live to see her baby grow up. It hadn't been a vision or anything of that sort. Just the gnawing suspicion that something terrible would happen. She had made him promise her that he would protect her baby and that he would always be around so that nobody might harm it.
And Severus had promised it.
Now, seventeen years later, Severus had finally fulfilled his promise. Potter was about to change into a girl and be adopted by his Master. There would be no other place on earth where he, well she, could be better protected. The Dark Lord had accepted Potter as his future daughter and seeing as he had once failed to protect his daughter, the Dark Lord would never let this happen again. Adding to this Severus would still be there for her should she ever need him. A heavy stone had been lifted from his chest making it easier for him to breathe. At least he wouldn't have to worry about this anymore.
"Ah, Severus" Lucius smooth drawl filled the silence. "To what do we owe the pleasure of having you here at such a late hour, my friend?"
Lucius and Narcissa had entered the living room unnoticed while Severus had pondered the new developments of his situation. When he looked up, he couldn't help but smile a little at their appearance.
Both were only wearing their night gowns and some light robes for the late evening. Narcissa's hair was undone and her make-up had been vanished whereas Lucius had his hair bound and his cane was missing. Both looked more than a little ruffled and displeased at his sudden and unannounced arrival.
Bowing lightly in greeting Severus still tried to hide the small smile on his face.
"Good evening, Narcissa, Lucius." Severus greeted his friends smoothly. "I'm very sorry to disturb your peaceful evening at such a late hour, but the Dark Lord sends me. He wishes for me to inform you of the newest developments and the state of things at the moment."
At the mention of the Dark Lord both Malfoys briefly stiffened before their eyebrows rose fractionally. With a curt nod Narcissa motioned for Severus to take a seat.
A house-elf immediately appeared out of nowhere and brought a plate of small snacks, wine and tea for them. The house-elf put the plates and glasses in front of the two wizards and lone witch and then left without another word after a small bow. While Narcissa motioned for Severus to try some of the snacks, Lucius took a small sip of his wine.
"Has your visit per chance something to do with our mission to retrieve Potter from Hogwarts, Severus?" Lucius asked directly for once deciding on the direct approach.
Severus, too, took a small sip of the delicious red wine and sagely nodded in confirmation. He leaned back in the comfortable leather armchair, crossed his legs and then placed his hands into his lap. Inwardly he was bracing himself for what might well come.
When his Master had ordered him to inform the Malfoys of the actual state of things, a sudden thought flashed through his mind. With a painful swallow Severus had the unwelcome misgiving that his meddling might cause him, his Master, the Malfoys and Potter some severe problems.
He hoped he was fearing in vain.
"You are correct, Lucius." Severus replied equally suave. Lucius wasn't the only one who could play this game. "It has everything to do with Potter. The Dark Lord wishes for you to know what he had planned for the boy and what will happen in the near future."
Severus took another small sip and relished the taste on his tongue. "Some weeks ago our Master found out per chance that the Potter boy was bound to him by ancient magic and a piece of our Master's soul due to what occurred nearly sixteen years ago."
Lucius and Narcissa nodded swiftly. Their eyes were focused on Severus as they listened intently to their friend's report. "That night Potter became a living horcrux due to the repelled killing curse." Severus chose to ignore Narcissa's shocked gasp and Lucius startled intake of breath. "For the last sixteen years the Dark Lord's magic and the boy's magic have been battling for dominance. During the last few months our Lord's magic was gaining more and more power causing the boy to die slowly and painfully."
Another light gasp could be heard. Narcissa looked shell shocked despite her severe control over her facial features. Her hand which had flown to her mouth almost immediately when Severus had mentioned the horcrux was shaking badly.
"Oh, by Merlin. The poor boy." Narcissa gushed lowly. "That was the reason he was fighting so weakly from what I heard from you, Lucius. He is dying already." She shook her head softly, her blue eyes still wide with shock. "The poor boy, he doesn't deserve to be punished in such a horrible way. There has to be something we can do to help, Severus? Our Lord devised a plan that will rescue the boy from Death's door?"
Narcissa obviously hadn't intended for her voice to sound so shocked and for her face to show the turmoil of emotions she was fighting against. But Lucius and Severus knew that Narcissa wouldn't be able to fool herself in such a situation. She was a woman, after all, and a mother nonetheless. The thought of losing an innocent and helpless child must be hard and unforgiving in her eyes.
"I can assure you, Narcissa, the boy will live." Severus tried to sooth her frayed nerves. "The Dark Lord found a way for Potter to survive. He wouldn't let the boy die now that he knows he is a horcrux and contains a piece of his soul."
Had it been any other way, the Dark Lord couldn't have cared less if Potter survived. He might have been displeased that he wasn't the one to kill him but that would have been the extent of his worries.
"The Dark Lord did everything in his power to guarantee the boy's life." Severus informed them. "He searched through each and every book he could get his hands on. In one of them he finally the solution for his problem. It's a little bit tricky and may not turn out at all how we might expect it to but it's the only solution we have."
Sighing lightly Severus leaned further back in his chair and levelled his friends with an intense gaze.
"Potter can only survive if his magic changes." Severus explained carefully. "The Dark Lord offered Potter to blood-adopt him. The blood-adoption would change Potter's magic from light to dark through the potion. Potter would be the Dark Lord's son and heir in everything through the blood they share."
Severus took another sip and waited for the alcohol to sooth his frayed nerves. He was stressed and under pressure and the worst was yet to come.
"It is a radical way." Severus had to admit with an uneasy feeling in his stomach. "However, it is the only way we have to safe him. What might be the strangest aspect of this plan is that Potter agreed to it in the first place. This night at midnight Potter will receive the necessary potion to become the Dark Lord's son. Everything is prepared already, we are only waiting for the potion to finish simmering and for Potter to be rested enough to survive the process."
Two pairs of wide eyes stared at him in incredulity. Whatever the Malfoy pair had expected, this hadn't been it.
Lucius coughed lightly and shook his head a little. "Well, at least will the boy be safe and alive." The man couldn't help but drawl. "Personally I wouldn't want to even imagine how it must feel to have two kinds of magic types battling against each other in one's body." Lucius shuddered openly, probably more for show than through real emotional turmoil. "It has to be a terrible experience. And the knowledge that one won't be able to survive shouldn't anything change has to be rather impairing. Magic is part of one's personality. I couldn't even imagine changing it for anything in this world. It wouldn't be mine. I wouldn't be me."
Narcissa nodded solemnly as her blue eyes were still cast upon her firmly knitted hands.
"It will be hard for the boy to become our Master's son, but it should have several positive aspects for us." Narcissa couldn't help but add. "The Dark Lord should have more time to think about more important things and plan them through. We won't have to endlessly search for the boy anymore and we won't have to think about abstruse ways to kill him or to retrieve him from his home."
Severus would have snorted at the inelegant way of phrasing her displeasure with the way their Master had handled the Potter affair so far but seeing as he had been about to tear his hair out in frustration, Severus refrained from voicing his thoughts.
Oblivious to Severus' thoughts, Narcissa continued her mild rant. "This cursed prophecy should be nullified and the Dark Lord should be unstoppable." Narcissa concluded with a startling sereneness. "With the boy becoming his heir there should be more stability for the two of them. I think it might even be good for our Lord." Narcissa dared to venture a guess. "The boy might help to distract his mind. And our Lord's sanity might even improve with another part of his soul near him."
They passed some minutes in silence and each person followed his or her train of thoughts as they thought about what might come to be and what the future may bring. Severus, however, still felt rather nervous and was desperately thinking about how to best approach the topic that was weighing on his mind.
"Just out of curiosity." Severus finally decided to throw caution into the wind and to just ask directly. "Are there still active magically binding contracts between the Malfoy family and our Lord, Lucius?"
Lucius and Narcissa seemed to be quite surprised by his sudden change of topic as they both pondered his question. In the end it was Lucius who answered, a smug and self-content smirk on his lips and a faint glint in his silvery grey eyes.
"Well, yes, of course, Severus, there is a still active contract between our family and the Dark Lord. My father was the one to conclude it with our Lord." Lucius openly boasted, an unpleasant trait he only showed when he felt extremely superior. "Father and our Lord wanted the families to mix seeing as the Malfoy family is one of the last true remaining pureblood families and our Lord is the one to fight for our very existence."
Lucius took another sip from his red wine. He was too engrossed in his family's grandness to notice his friend's face pale drastically. "Through this contract my father and the Dark Lord wanted to guarantee that our two families would always be magically bound together and would always stay on the same side in a possible war."
Lucius' smugness quickly changed into a quite proud expression. The sinking feeling in Severus' gut intensified and with a lot of dread the Potions Master imagined how to best drop the bomb without getting killed in the process by either the enraged Malfoy parents, his godson, the Dark Lord or even Potter him- well, soon to be herself.
"My father and the Dark Lord both signed a magically binding marriage contract." Lucius unwittingly confirmed Severus' fears. "In the event that a girl was born to one family and a boy was born to the other family within a certain timeframe, the contract would be activated and both heir and heiress were to be wed."
Narcissa sighed and all of a sudden a rather dreamy look appeared in her blue eyes. She stroked a strand of hair mindlessly out of her face while her eyes didn't seem to see anything at all as they were too clouded.
"This contract is an honour." Narcissa simpered and Severus felt nauseated. "However, it seems to be of little use to the present day. I always wished for Draco to find himself a nice girl, to settle down and become a father. I could have well imagined any daughter of the Dark Lord to be a fine candidate for Draco's affection. Sadly, this will never happen seeing as the Dark Lord doesn't have any children and is going to adopt a son."
Once again Lucius nodded sagely. Both Malfoys seemed to be too lost in their own thoughts to notice the look of utter and pure horror crossing Severus' features.
"You are right, my dear." Lucius addressed his wife as he took her hand into his and stroked softly across the delicate fingers. "Our Lord will be a father soon. But seeing as Potter is male it won't make any difference to Draco's current situation. And seeing as Narcissa and I won't have another child, our Lord's son's existence wouldn't be of any consequence for us." Lucius needlessly emphasized. "Even if Narcissa and I were to have another child that per chance would be a girl, the contract would be inefficacious. Our Lord's son would be in his late thirties by the time that our daughter would be old enough to marry."
Lucius shook his head and sighed dramatically. "You see, Severus, it would have been nice but the contract won't be activated in this generation."
With a lightly flushed face Severus was nervously knitting his hands in his lap. Sweat was slowly appearing on his forehead, his hands were becoming unpleasantly wet and his left eye started to twitch lightly in a dangerous fast rhythm. All of a sudden his lips and mouth felt extremely dry causing Severus to try and wet them with some painful swallow and his dry strokes of his tongue.
"Well, it might be possible for the contract to be activated in this generation, Lucius." Severus addressed his hands as he finally dropped the bomb.
Two pairs of wide open eyes, one blue the other silvery grey, stared at him in utter incredulity. Lucius had placed his wine glass harshly on the table whereas Narcissa had nearly choked on her small but extravagant snack which she had been currently eating. As he tried to help his lightly coughing wife by patting her softly only the back, Lucius turned to Severus and stared at him with much more than disbelief and suspicion in his narrowed eyes.
"What did you say, Severus?" Lucius asked dangerously calm and composed.
Noticing the look of utter suspicion in his friend's eyes Severus started to laugh awkwardly. He could well imagine what the two of them would have to say about his actions and frankly he could understand them.
But, well, what was done was done. He couldn't turn back time to change it and even if he could, he wasn't sure whether he would change any of his actions. He had acted in the best interest of Lily's son and while it may be true that his actions would have consequences surpassing the Potter boy, those consequences would be of less drastic and severe impact than Potter's decision to remain a man would have been.
As harsh and unforgiving as it may sound, but the Malfoys – that included his godson Draco as well – would have to learn to live with those consequences, unpleasant and unwelcome as they may be.
"You see, Lucius, Potter did not only decide to to take the blood-adoption potion but a gender changing draught as well." Severus finally chose to explain. "By midnight tonight Potter will become the Dark Lord's daughter and heiress."
Proclaiming that the Malfoy family wasn't as pure as they claimed to be couldn't have caused a bigger uproar.