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And cue the theme!
...
All right Mr Starr!
Yeah, just...me and Babs had a bit of a night last night, if you know what I mean.
Oh dear god, I can smell the alcohol from over here!
Leave off man.
...
At the end of Thomas's branchline, there is a part of the line that leads to a quarry. It can go for some distance along the road, and Thomas was always very careful to whistle here in case anyone was coming.
He had had a bad experience with crossings. Especially considering that his lack of cigarettes was beginning to make him a bit antsy.
On this particular morning, he was pulling along the line with a series of trucks, and far at the back, Annie and Clarabel.
"Why are we stuck at the back instead of the trucks?!" shrieked Annie.
"Because." Thomas growled. "We ran out of breakvans, and you're the only two that can act as one! Now shut up and let me conce-" There was a loud bumping noise as Thomas hit a speed bump. He growled as his undercarriage bounced. "Well great!"
He frowned as he looked around. "What the hell happened to the Quarry!?"
His driver shrugged. "I don't think we've got the budget to go there today. Let's just circle round and shove this stone in the river!"
"I like this plan!" Thomas now had a irrational hatred of fish as a result of that incident. As they turned, Thomas saw a large policeman sitting close to the line.
"COO-EE!" shouted Thomas. "What a fatso!"
The fireman lightly whacked Thomas's side. "Bad Thomas! They prefer the term large, and HUSH. I HAVE A PERFECT RECORD."
Thomas 'liked' policeman. In the same way that most people 'like' going to the dentist. You acknowledge that they have to exist for a purpose, and you vaguely hope that one day they'll give you a lollipop. He had especially liked the constable who had just retired, who was known for being a giver of cigarettes and for being blind as a bat. His cousin, co-incidentally, had been the recently fired signalman at Wellsworth.
Thomas hoped that he could bribe the officer to allow him to cadge more ciggies. "Peep peep! Good morning!" He hoped that the policeman hadn't heard his previous remarks. Thomas hoped that the new constable would be friendly too.
He was not. He was red in the face and very cross.
"DISSSSSSSSGRACEFUL!" He bellowed loudly, and nearly tripped over his own shoes. "I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK LAST NIGHT! IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOO QUIET!" Thomas winced instinctively. "AND NOW-" He pointed a chubby finger at Thomas. "AND NOW ENGINES COME WHISTLING BEHIND ME! I had enough of that job WHEN I WAS A SOLDIER!"
Thomas frowned. "But technically, I've contributed to the lack of quiet. Now it's not quiet! Jeez, I'm sorry, sir, I only said good morning!" Thomas muttered something under his breath about where the policeman could stick his whistle behind him.
The policeman swayed forward, and grabbed onto Thomas's buffers for support. He looked at his wheels and pointed to Thomas. "WHERE'S YOUR COW CATCHERS?!" he demanded. Though to Thomas it sounded a bit like "WHERE'SCHYERCOWCATSHERS?"
"But I don't catch cows sir."
The fireman sniggered.
"DON'T BE FUNNY!" snapped the policeman, as he sat down on the grass. He glared at the wheels also "NO SIDEPLATES EITHER! IT'S A BLOODY DISGRACE!" He pulled out a notebook that looked as though it had been dipped into a school cafe and wrote in it.
"ENGINES." He said loudly. "GOING ON PUBLIC ROADS MUST HAVE THEIR WHEELS COVERED AND A COWCATCHER IN FRONT TO PROTECT PEOPLE, EVEN WORTHLESS MAGGOTS LIKE YOU, AND ANIMALS FROM BEING DRAGGED UNDER THE WHEELS WHEN STRAYING ONTO THE LINE!" He jabbed Thomas's side. "YOU HAVEN'T! SO YOU. ARE. DANGEROUS!"
The driver stepped forward, part of his hat falling off. "Rubbish piggy!" he snapped. "We've been along here hundreds of times and never had a accident! Except for when my fireman needs to take a leak!"
"AND THAT-" declared the policeman, sucking his finger where he had injured it "-MAKES IT WORSE! I AM PLACIN YOU UNDER ARREST!"
"Eh?" asked the Fireman. "How are you going to lug this engine in!?"
The policeman ignored him, and wrote 'Regular Law Breaker' in his book. "I SHALL GIVE YOU TIME TO PACK YOUR BELONGINGS!"
Thomas puffed away, feeling very sad and having no idea what the hell had just happened. Clarabel looked at Annie. "Do we get a bad reputation if we're the coaches of a jailbird?"
...
The Fat Controller was having breakfast. He was eating toast and marmalade with his soon to be ex-wife. A last gesture before they went his separate ways, though Sybil had been giving him a angry eye.
The butler came in. "Scuse me sir. You are wanted on the telephone. Also, two thugs are here to pick up your wife." The Butler bowed stiffly to Sybil, and left.
"BALLS TO THAT TELEPHONE!" grumbled the Fat Controller. He ignored his wife's dark glare and listened to the conversation from the angry driver, but to be honest, it sounded a lot like a chipmunk with a hangover was talking.
"Right. Be there in a second." He glanced at Sybil. "Sorry dear!" He said cheerfully. "Thomas is in trouble with the police, and I'll be able to use my years of watching Rumpole to help him!"
Sybil walked over, threw her ring off in a dramatic moment, and when that failed to interest him, she stormed out, slamming the door.
Topham took a moment to celebrate the complete silence, and then ordered the butler to set out a table for he and his soon to be girlfriend.
...
When he arrived at the station, he clambered aboard and listened to the driver rant about what had happened.
"Dangerous to the public indeed! We'll see about that!"
He spoke to the policeman. He tried several things. Bribery ("Look, it's a perfectly good pound coin! What's wrong? ARE YOU ANTI-QUEEN?!"), threats ("LOOK, MY BEST FRIEND IS THE MAYOR. HE WILL END YOU), logic ("So, no one else has prosecuted us yet. I mean, all of my engines don't have- you know what, never mind.") and other tactics.
At one point, James whistled to Thomas, laughing over Thomas's misfortune.
No matter how much they argued, the policeman wouldn't budge.
"THE LAW!" He declared. "IS THE LAW! AND WE CAN'T CHANGE IT!"
"But you just did. I mean, has anyone tried to arrest a steam engine?" The Fat Controller, exhausted, turned to Thomas. "Sorry driver. It's no use arguing with this guy. We shall have to give Thomas those cowcatchers, I suppose." He rolled his eyes. "Even if it does look stupid."
"EVERYONE WILL LAUGH!" wailed Thomas. "They'll say I look like a tram!"
"Racis-" The Fat Controller stared. Then he laughed. "THOMAS YOU GENIUS! We want a tram engine!"
"EH?!" asked everyone assembled.
"See, I was on holiday recently, I met a wonderful tram engine named Toby. The buses and lorries are taking over most of his work! He could do with a change! He has cowcatchers and sideplates. I better write to the sub-manager at once."
"Now hold on a minute!" protested the policeman.
...
As they pulled under Title Screen Bridge, Toby grinned so wide that it hurt. Henrietta laughed alongside him, as they pulled into the nearest station. It was now a few days later when he had officially arrived.
He looked around his new home, and then to Sir Topham Hatt.
"That's a good engine." the Controller said approvingly. "I see you brought Henrietta!"
"You don't mind, sir? The Station master wanted to use her as a henhouse. And that would, well, never do!"
"No indeed!" agreed the Fat Controller, who was not in favor of cannibalizing his engines. "Now, off to work!" He laughed.
Toby smiled, and pulled away.
He made the silly trucks quickly snap too it even faster than Thomas did. He soon got used to working with a full schedule, and did it with a smile on his face. He spotted a fat policeman riding his bike up the hill, and rang his bell loudly.
The policeman jumped loudly. "OI! YOU!"
"Try and stop me!" Toby laughed cheerfully. "Come along m'dear!"
At first, Thomas was jealous, but he was so impressed when Toby scared the pants off of the policeman (Currently working traffic lights thanks to his decision to bring in a steam engine) that they were firm friends ever since.
"SEE!" said Annie. "HE TAKES HIS COACH FIRST!"
Thomas growled. "Looks like things are back to normal."