The cows have chewed me bloody feet, man! Next time you want ambience, get a megaphone and shout moo!
Someone's a little gruuuummpy.
Man, what happened to you over the two years?
...
One morning, Edward was waiting to pick up passengers from Thomas's train. Several passengers were getting more and more angry as they paced back and forth in the express coaches. Edward himself was growing steadily more and more grumpier, mainly because he hadn't slept much the previous night.
I wonder why that was.
...
THE PREVIOUS NIGHT.
"TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE ON MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" belted out James
"Take on me!" followed Gordon and Henry.
...
"Peep peep! We're late! Where is Thomas!? He doesn't usually keep us late without giving us some sign of why!?"
Inside Edward's cab, his driver, fireman and guard were beginning to go slightly insane. For they too had been at the karaoke party with James, and thus were worse for the wear. And unfortunately, Sidney Heaver had passed the point of sobriety a while ago.
"OH DEAR! WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE!?" He belted out. "JOHNNY'S SO LONG AT THE-"
"Never you bloody mind about Johnny!" snapped the driver as he laughed. "Just you climb on the cab and look for Thomas!"
"Why don't you do it?"
"Because-" said Charlie Sand "-my head is aching like hell this morning and I can't be arsed!"
"But why can't Barry-"
"Barry has GUARD things to do! NOW JUST DO IT!" Charlie winced in pain at his own shout. Sidney decided not to argue, and climbed up onto the cab as carefully as he could when drunk.
"CAN YOU SEE HIM!?"
"No need to shout." Sidney said mildly. "And no." He peered across. "There's Bertie Bus in a tearing hurry! No need to bother with him though. He might be on a coach tour or something. Or more likely, he needs the toilet."
"Oh I wish you hadn't said that." said Charlie, clutching his stomach.
"You know-" Edward remarked. "-statements like that could lead to some irony later on."
"Ah, leave off Edward." The fireman clambered down into the cab, missed the window and smacked his body on the ground.
Once he had climbed back in,, Edward started off. "Ah well." he reflected. "We shouldn't wait too long...you know, someone needs to have a word with Sir Topham Hatt about how hypocritical it is."
"What do you mean?"
"Well if we go before the train comes, we get in trouble because there wasn't a train there. But if we stay until the train comes, we get told off for being late."
Neither driver nor fireman could argue with that in the state they were in.
...
Edward pulled out of Wellsworth station and headed through the Suddery Junction. He glanced back at the level crossing, and then ahead, tuning out all sounds except those that he considered important so that Charlie's wailing about his need for a toilet did not distract him.
So he did not hear a horn honking, and a sound of screeching tires.
"STOP! STOP! I'VE GOT THE BLUE BASTARD'S PASSNEGERS!" wailed Bertie.
"Did you hear something?" Edward asked his driver.
His driver groaned, and sped up.
Bertie stared, realizing that it was no good. Edward was gone. "BALLS!" He declared. "BOTHER!" Bertie said once more. As Edward rounded the next bend, he spoke aloud once more. "BOTHER THOMAS'S FIREMAN BEING A LAZY ASS AND NOT COMING TO WORK TODAY? Why did we agree to help the passengers catch the train?"
"That'll do Bertie!" said his driver.
"No seriously, why? I was not consulted on this!"
"A promise is a promise and we must keep it!"
"Must we?"Bertie grumbled as the crossing gates opened and he drove off towards the next station. Lower Suddery. His passengers were actually rather excited, as this had been the first bit of excitement in a while. Mrs Kyndley whooped and waved her handbag about, nearly taking the Barber out. Jem Cole, a local farmer/fixer upper, looked across at Jerimiah Jobling and held out his autograph book, which Jerimiah graciously signed.
"I'll catch Edward or BUST!" said Bertie as he raced on down, for he had spotted a bikini clad woman parading around outside her house.
As he continued onwards, racing faster and faster, he raced up the Hackenbeck Tunnel. "I feel like I've been here before." he reflected.
Minutes later, as he climbed yet another hill, he groaned out. "OH MY GEARS AND AXLES." As he toiled up the hill, he moaned aloud "I'll never be the same bus again!"
"And a-god forbid that happen!" sighed the Barber.
"Bloody hell, he doesn't stop does he?" muttered Jobling.
"You have no idea." grunted Bertie's driver
"Hooray! Hooray! I see him!" cheered Bertie as he reached the top, causing the humans to let loose a whoop of triumph. "Oh balls, Edward's at the station! Wait, no...he's stopped at a crossing!"
"He's not taken his medication recently." the driver sheepishly explained to the passengers, who all nodded wisely.
"HOORAY!" Bertie said once more as he tore down the hill.
"Well done Bertie!" shouted the passengers. "Go it!" Bertie skidded into the yard
"WAIT! WAIT!" he called, but he was just in time to see Edward puff away. Edward looked back, and was about to say something when he heard his driver scream out in more pain at the agony, for some reason the Lower Suddery station refused to include a toilet.
"I'm sorry!" wailed Bertie. "I'm the WORST BUS EVER!"
"Oh get other yourself!" snapped his driver.
"Calm down!" Jem said, handing the driver some tablets.
"Never mind!" said most of the passengers.
"After him quickly!" Jobling encouraged.
"Third time lucky, you know!"
"Mrs Kyndley, that's a tree. Bertie's over here."
"You think we can catch him at the next station?" they asked the driver.
The driver thought for a moment, and waved over the stationmaster. "Well there's a good chance." he replied. "Our roads keep close to the line and we can climb hills better than Edward."
"But isn't Edward a bank-a engine?" asked the Barber.
"Shut it, Mario. I'll just make sure." The driver turned to the station master and spoke to him. Bertie and the passengers waited impatiently. Because apparently waiting two or three seconds was too much for them.
"Yes! We'll do it this time!" said the driver exercising that rare trait known as optimism.
"HOORAY!" cheered the passengers. At this point, they would have hooray'd anything. A meteor comes down? HOORAY! The train dies? HOORAY! They play one of James's songs? ...No.
Bertie started up with a roar and chased after Edward once more.
There was a pause, and then Bertie sheepishly returned to actually let the passengers get back on him. Ignoring the dark looks from them, he took off like a shot as he began praying to himself that this would work.
...
"Bloody hell, there are a lot of hills!" panted Bertie as he drove through the seventh by road that went through the country. As he rounded the corner of the latest road, he spotted Edward leisurely taking his time crossing the tier bridge. Putting on a grin, Bertie rushed under him.
"Almost there!" Jobling trilled happily. "I shall write a song about this!"
"Oh god save us." muttered Mrs Kyndley, who was not a fan of this new age rock and roll m'larkly.
...
"This hill is too steep! This hill is too steep!" grumbled the coaches.
"I've been up worse! I've been up worse!" snapped back Edward as he snorted in front. Not cocaine mind, though he did severely wish that he had some right now. At last, they reached the top and ran smoothly into the station.
Edward glanced over at the sign, Suddery. He sighed and relaxed for a moment. "Peep peep! Get in quickly please." he whistled as the driver rushed forward into the toilets and locked himself in there.
Sidney sighed. "Thank god. He was whining so damn much!"
At last, Charlie returned, much calmer, climbed into the cab and waited. The guard blew his whistle (Resembling Ringo Starr to quite a extent.) and the driver looked back. But the flag didn't wave.
"Maybe his arm is tired. Listening to you, I know that every part of me feels bloody cream crackered." snapped Sidney.
Then they heard Bertie. Everything seemed to happen at once, not the least that Bertie swerved so many times it looked like he was drunk. Maybe it was to do with the fact that his driver had collapsed from all the stress. The Stationmaster, a omnipotent being, told the guard and driver what had happened...last night on the latest episode of Doctor Who. And then about the Bertie saga.
"Sorry about the chase, Bertie." Edward said sheepishly.
"And...so...you...should be!" panted Bertie.
"Same to you mate."
"Nah, it's my fault...late at...junction, you didn't know...about Thomas's passengers."
"Or what a idiot his fireman is."
"Oh we knew that."
"Peep peep! Bye Bertie, we're off!" whistled Edward
"Three cheers for Bertie!" called the passengers. Bertie waited until the pesky passengers and Edward were gone, and then raced back to tell Thomas that all was well.
...
At Tidmouth, Thomas smirked. "He won't have-" His eyes widened as Bertie rushed in. He glared at Gordon, who smirked and mouthed 'Five pounds'.
"Thank you Bertie." Thomas said through gritted teeth. "You're a very good friend indeed."
"So what happened to your fireman?"
"Oh, apparently some idiot locked him in our shed after that party last night."
Bertie groaned.