Okay, Mr Starr, I'd like to apologize for the fact that we brought you a non-vegetarian meal earlier...and I'm sure the five men you put in hospital apologize too.
Sorry bout that mate.
...
Wellsworth is probably the best place to have to wait for a train. It doesn't smell like weed like Vicarstown, doesn't have a lack of toilets like Lower Suddery, has not the stench of shame that Knapford contains and is not Tidmouth. However, with all that said, even waiting there, you're struck by the feeling that whoever came up with the idea of sentient trains should be shot, and then run over by said train.
One day, James had to wait at the station until Edward and his train came in. This made him cross (Well okay, crosser) and so when Edward arrived with the new standard red express coaches, James glared at him with the force of a thousand suns. Or so he believed. "LATE AGAIN!"
Edward laughed. "Sorry mate, got a little stuck at a signal. You understand."
"Bloody hell!" James snapped as he fumed away, letting out curse words. One may wonder why James was waiting there for so long, and that would be because he wanted specifically to be able to complain to Edward that he was late.
...
After James had finished his work, and had gotten called out for bringing in a express train fifteen minutes late, he headed back to the yard, and in particular towards the shed. He puffed onto the turntable, and glanced around nervously in case the wind started going particularly bonkers.
He stewed as he turned around. Literally, his driver had decided to cut out the long waiting hours and cook his stew in his boiler. He was still feeling very bad tempered, and not just from the stew. "EDWARD IS IMPOSSIBLE!" He grumbled.
"Pretty sure he exists."
"He clanks around like a lot of old iron! And he's so slow he makes us late!"
Thomas and Percy, resting at the sheds, were cross. Because they had chosen this day to find some respect deep down in their hearts for Edward.
"Old Iron!? Slow?"
"Why Edward could beat you in a race anyday!"
"Really!?" scoffed James. "I should like to see him do it!" And he angrily clanked into the shed, to sulk and sleep. Before he did so though, he smiled gleefully at Thomas's face mask. An idea had crept into his mind, and he was beginning to think that such a prank would make him the top dog among the tender engines.
...
Next morning, James's driver was suddenly taken ill. "WHAT WAS IN THAT STEW!?" he wailed, as he could hardly stand. The fireman rolled his eyes, dragged him out and shoved him over to Thomas's driver, who was having his own trouble as Thomas's sleep mask had stuck his face into a constant smile, no matter what his emotion. The fireman uncoupled James, ready for shunting. James was impatient to get started so he could finish.
The fireman turned away for a second to get a towel to wipe his face. Suddenly the signalman shouted and he spun back around. There was James puffing away down the line!
"OI! JAMES! COME BACK!"
"Wait, NO SHUNTING OR ME TODAY! HOORAY!" cheered James, blind to anything but his own escape.
...
"All traffic halted!" the signalman announced at last. He turned around, and then he told the fireman what had happened. "There were two boys on James's footplate, fiddling with the controls!"
"It's always boys!" wailed the fireman, before wiping his brow once more. "Phew!"
"They tumbled off and ran, when James started up." Signalman shook his head. "My kids would never do stuff like that!"
"Aren't your kids in borstal?"
"Besides the point." There was a loud ringing, making both jump, and then the signalman answered the telephone. "Yes. He's here! Right...I'll tell him." He slammed the phone down. "They've somehow managed to get hold of a inspector, and he's coming at once. He wants a shunter's pole and a coil of wire rope! Also, some extra tea."
"What for?" wondered the Fireman.
"Perhaps he wants to film a naughty film. Search me mate, but you better get them quickly. I know this Inspector. He's pretty much Chuck Norris."
...
The fireman was ready when Edward arrived, carrying Inspector Norris on board. The inspector saw the pole, the rope and the tea. "Good man! Jump in!" He paused. "And pour me a drink as well."
Edward peeped and started up, Percy and Thomas whistling behind him to encourage him. "We'll catch him! We'll catch him!" puffed Edward gleefully.
Further on, James was laughing. "So then I said to the horse, hey dude, why the long face?!" he howled once more.
He sped through Knapford, scaring Gordon and Henry right out of sorts.
"Didn't know he was scheduled to come through here?"
"And if he was, on time too!?" gasped Henry.
"What a laugh! What a laugh!" James chuckled as he raced through onto a stretch of straight track. "Hang on, am I going faster?" Indeed, he had suddenly began to go faster and faster. "Uh, driver, slow-" He realized with a sudden jolt of horror that he had no driver. "Uh, oh, uh- WHAT SHALL I DO?! I CAN'T STOP! HELP! HELP!" He wailed, sounding for all the world like a damsel from a old 30's film.
...
"We're coming, we're coming!" called Edward. And no, that's not a example of his super engine hearing, but rather because James was shrieking so loud that the normal laws of sound had broken. Gordon and Henry looked at each other as Edward rushed through Knapford.
"Huh."
"Huh."
Edward was puffing. Never before had he puffed this fast, not even when he had been young and fitter. He felt his boiler rattle and clench, as the firemen shovelled in more and more coal, and Charlie Sand sped up the process even more. His face was red, and Edward was panting up behind with every ounce of breath and steam that he had, even as he felt some of his wheels buckle from the pressure. Sparks flew, not only from his funnel but from the very rails themselves. He rounded the bend and at last, he caught up with James.
"EDWARD!" wailed James. "i! CAN'T! STOP!"
"YOU THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED!" snapped Edward, or tried to, whatever passed for lungs were hammering out breath so hard that he was running out of the ability to talk. His tender bounced as it hit the little bumps and curves on the rails, and he felt as though his entire body was about to collapse from sheer exhaustion.
"Steady Edward!" called his driver, who himself was holding down all the necessary controls to keep up with James that he could. As Sidney and James's fireman once more went at the fire with a vengance, having to maintain this exact speed just to keep in front of James, Inspector Norris took his moment! Edging along, making sure not to place his hand on the boiler, the inspector stood on Edward's front holding a noose of rope in the crock of the shunter's pole
"YOU BETTER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" bellowed Sidney.
"I HOPE I DO." He was trying to slip it over James's buffer. But the engines were swaying and lurching so much that it was nearly impossible to do so. Once the inspector narrowly avoided slipping off, and he closed his mouth to fight back the bile that rose. He swung the pole once more, and at last- "GOT HIM!" He shouted. He pulled the noose tight, and it was only by Edward grabbing hold of the pole with his mouth at that very moment that his own arms weren't ripped off from the strain of having to hold back the engine.
"Now!" snapped Sidney, and Charlie rushed forward. Gently braking, Edward's driver checked the engine's speed, and the second that James was level with the cab, James's fireman scrambled across and took control.
"You did it Edward!" called the driver. Norris sat down with some relief on James's cab floor. "Edward!"
Edward was still holding onto the pole for dear life, his eyes wide with panic and his entire being shaking wildly. He dropped it and struggled not to throw up.
...
"So the old iron caught you after all." moaned Edward in a chuckle as he swayed once more, leading James forward with the rope. James was unusually humble.
"I'm sorry Edward. Thank you for saving me"
"S'alright."
They pulled into Crosby as they arrived side by side. The Fat Controller was waiting. "A fine piece of work." he said to the artist drawing his picture. "Oh and you two. James, you can rest and then take your train."
"At this point I'll shunt for a week!" James said gratefully.
"I'm proud of you Edward. You shall have your worn parts mended."
Edward, aware that that meant all of his parts, whistled. "Oh thank you sir! It'll be lovely not to clank." He swayed, and then collapsed.