Chapter 4 - Kill Santa Claus

Stewie napped as Brian drove.

"We're not seriously going to the North Pole?" Barbara asked. "There's no such thing, is there?"

"Stewie doesn't know that", he said as they drove past a sign.

"Burriville, Rhode Island, home of Santa's Village and Gift shop?"

"It's just a theme park. Stewie won't know the difference."

Brian parked the car and gently shook Stewie awake.

"Hey, Stewie", he said. "Wake up. We're here. We're at the North Pole."

Stewie yawned as he woke and opened his eyes.

"North Pole?"

He looked out the window to see the entrance gate to the theme park. Stewie jumped out of the car excited.

"North Pole!" he said jumping. "North Pole! There it is! My word, I really must've been asleep."

Barbara and Brian followed Stewie as he ran to the gate. Stewie kept a smile on his face as he looked at the snow covered area and stood in front of the sign that said North Pole.

"Ah, look at this, Brian. The tip of the earth. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus."

"Alright, let's go", Brian said.

Barbara held Stewie's hand as they walked through the park. She looked at him worried and leaned over toward Brian.

"What's going to happen if he finds out this is all fake?" she whispered.

"Don't worry about it and don't say anything to him", he whispered back.

"Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?" Stewie asked looking around. "Small."

The smile on Stewie's face went away as he looked at all the attractions. There was a sleigh ride you had to pay a quarter for. There was a goat with antlers tied to its head.

"Look, it has to be small because of all the tiny elves", Brian said trying to keep him happy.

"Ah, that's right. Good point. Elves."

"Yo, yo, what's up, ya'll?" they heard.

In front of them stood a teenager dressed up as in elf. He stood behind a souvenir stand selling t-shirts.

"Ya'll ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear?" he asked.

"Brian, why does the North Pole have black teenagers?" Stewie asked.

"Uh…" Brian said thinking. "Um…from Katrina?"

"No one ever said the elves were all white", Barbara shrugged.

"Ah, of course", Stewie nodded. "Alright. I just have one more question, then."

He pulled out a ray gun and aimed at Brian.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?! Do you?!"

"Look Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous—"

Stewie hit Brian across the face, knocking him down.

"Hey!" Barbara said. "No rough-housing! Santa sees this, you won't get anything you want for Christmas!"

"You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus", Stewie said. "There's a ferris wheel here and a guy hosing vomit. Nobody vomits at the North Pole, except for Santa's wife because she has an eating disorder!"

"What?" Brian and Barbara asked confused.

"Yeah, because he can have anyone he wants and she knows that!"

"Stewie, just pull yourself together!" Brian said.

"I won't, Brian! Now get back in that hippy car of yours and take me to the North Pole, now!"

"Okay, look I know you're upset. Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list and I'll be sure I send it to Santa."

"I can help you if you want", Barbara suggested.

"Screw that", Stewie said. "This was never about Christmas."

"Well, then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole?" Brian asked.

"Because…I'm going to kill Santa Claus."

"You can't be serious", Barbara said. "Just because Santa blows you off at the mall, you have to kill him and destroy everyone's Christmas?"

"If I can't be happy, then no one can."