Chapter 7 - No Santa?
Barbara got up rubbing the bump on her head. She saw Brian laying on the other side of the car.
"Brian!" she gasped.
She ran to him and helped him up.
"Brian, are you okay?" she asked.
"A little banged up", Brian said. "Are you okay?"
Barbara said nothing as she hugged him. Brian smiled and hugged her back. Over her shoulder, he saw Stewie brushing the snow off.
"Oh my god! Stewie, are you alright? What the hell happened?"
"Ah, just some stupid stuff went down", Stewie mumbled.
"You could've been killed!" Brian said. "I could've been killed! Barbara could've been killed! Look at my car!"
"Well, you know, if you had just taken me to the real North Pole to see Santa, none of this would've happened."
"Stewie, I'm starting to get tired of this attitude of yours", Barbara said getting fed up from Stewie's behavior.
"Then don't stick around to put up with it", Stewie said standing on the side of the road with his thumb out.
"What is this?" Brian asked. "What are you doing?"
"Hitching a ride", he answered. "I'll keep heading north till I see Santa."
"Stewie, you're not going to find him."
"You do what you want. I'm going to the North Pole and I'm going to kill that bastard!"
"Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here", Brian said. "And I have no choice."
"Brian…" Barbara said.
"No, he needs to hear this. He can't let this go on."
Brian looked Stewie in the eye and said what he tried so hard to hide.
"You're not going to kill Santa Claus because he doesn't exist."
Stewie looked at him and started chuckling.
"Really, Brian?" he asked. "He doesn't exist?"
"That's right", Brian said. "He's not real."
"Oh, interesting. Interesting theory, Brian. Who else isn't real? You going to tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? Spongebob? Is he not real? Is Spongebob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business? Hmm? And what about Curious George? Does he not really exist? Is Curious George really not out there making little boats out of newspapers he should be delivering? Educate yourself, you fool."
"Stewie", Barbara said kneeling in front of him. "Please listen to reason. I always thought Santa was real too. When I was a puppy, all I ever wanted was for Santa to take me away from those dog fights and give me a real family. I waited for him every year hoping my wish would come true. But, it never came true. Santa never came for me. I was left there to fend for myself until I met Brian. I can tell you Santa Claus is not real."
Stewie sighed and looked down for a minute. He turned to Brian.
"I'll tell you what", he said. "You take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you."
"What?" Brian asked.
"When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding when she doesn't even open her eyes or even wake up? I'll let you take that for me, Brian."
"Are you serious?" Brian asked with his eyes wide.
"Quite."
"Okay, you got a deal."
"Hell no!" Barbara said grabbing Brian's ear. "Brian, if you keep this up, I will take you to the vet myself and get you fixed!"
Brian lifted the hood of the car to see what was wrong. They were stuck halfway through Canada and the engine wasn't working. They heard a truck pull over to the side of the road.
"Oh, hey there", the driver said. "Having some car trouble, eh?"
"Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole", Stewie said. "I don't suppose you're from AAA, are you?"
"Who?" the driver asked.
"AAA, you know? A-A-A?"
"Oh, AA, eh? Yeah, I just came from AA."
"Not AA", Barbara said. "AAA."
"That's what I said", the driver said. "AA, eh?"
"Stewie, I think he's just a drunk", Brian said.
"Drunk or not, can he help us?" Stewie asked. "We just need some help with the car."
"Oh, I see", the driver said. "Looks like you got some water leakage. You might need a hose, eh?"
"Jose, Roberto, whatever", Stewie said. "If you know any Latinos up here that can help us, that'd be great."
"No, what you need is a part, eh?"
"Look, when we're done fixing the car, we can celebrate some other time."
"Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car", Brian said ending the craziness. "We're kind of on our way to the North Pole."
"Oh, a car won't take you there anyway", the driver said. "But if you want, you can take my snowmobile."
"A snowmobile?" Barabra gasped happily. "I've always wanted to ride one!"
"Really?" Brian asked. "You'd just give it to us?"
"Oh sure!" the driver said. "That's what Canadian hospitality's all about. If you like, you can have all my money and my leg."
Brian, Barbara and Stewie looked at him with wide eyes. This Canadian drunk sure was weird.
"Alright", Stewie answered.